How can I stop feeling guilty for putting my mom in a skilled nursing facility?

Just realize you'll be in the same position one day if you live long enough. We all will. Basically, our choices in our elder years are facility living or ruining our children's lives by living with them. If I'm ever fortunate enough to have a child, I'm going to impress on them from a somewhat early age that they are to put me into a facility as soon as I cannot live alone.

What would warrant guilt is if you refused to place her where she can get the help she truly needs.

She’s where she needs to be.

I am sorry you feel guilty but you shouldn’t. She chose her path to being unhealthy.

putting this into perspective may help. Wouldn't you feel more guilty giving her your all in your home at the expense of your family?

wouldn't you feel guilty when she fell in your home and injured herself?

believe me, my Mom is bedridden in an assisted living and it is still at least a part time job

take care if your family and stop feeling guilty

I am so sorry for what she, and you, have been through. A care facility is vital for her given her current situation. You physically would not be able to look after her in the way that she needs right now, so there shouldn't even be a question of her coming to live with you. Running yourself ragged would not help her, you or your children. It is completely understandable that you want to do your best for her, just know that you are by letting professionals take the best care of her. They are equipped to deal with the extra needs that she will have while she recovers. You can still visit her regularly if you're able.
My mother is also a heavy smoker and alcoholic so I understand, and although she is thankfully fully independent at the moment I do think about what will happen in the future and what the options are. It's never easy but stay strong. You're absolutely doing the right thing.

Slothlover2019: Your mother requires a team of caregivers in a managed care facility setting 24/7 per her poor life choices.

Your distress and grief sounds cumulative from a history of relationship challenges with your mother affected by your mother's choices of substance abuse. You may want to look into AlaNon ( sp.) groups for support for yourself as these specifically support family members who are subjected to addicted family members. In this group they will help you let go of some of the distress, guilt and grief you are burdened with as described in your note.
Other support for you may come from other forms of grief counseling or via a faith based professional support. Since you identify your mother's addictions and substance abuse , ALANON sounds like a first priority to consider.

Take care of yourself ! And your family! Do not be guilt tripped by anyone. Your mother needs the care a NH facility can provide. Do not worry about her " getting kicked out"; be sure the faculty is aware of all of her addictions so they can get her help.

Peace

Speaks well for your self, shows that like many others in this situation you care, but sadly as you also said, you have no control over this state of affairs. Guilt can easily be misleading with what must be done, which at this stage appears the correct decision. Visitation helps a lot to both, and with luck the skilled nursing outfit might be an efficient and caring one. Peace and Good Luck.

You mother needs a great deal of care, which you are not in a position to provide for her. She'll be better off in skilled nursing where they have professional staff and 24/7 nurses. Maybe later, if she heals and improves you can reassess her care. Get therapy or speak with a trusted counselor about your own feelings of guilt. Personally, I do not think that parents should expect their children to give up their lives in order to be caregivers for the parent(s), unless the children have a calling for caregiving. Find a place near your home so that you can visit often and oversee her care. All the best to you both and your family.

Slothlover2019,

Your answers are in your own words: 'I have a 2 year old & 4 month old,' 'your marriage and wellbeing would suffer,' 'she requires skilled nursing care,' and you previously had a strained relationship.' You are simply unable to provide the cares that your mom now requires, through no one's fault, and you have to find a way to absolve yourself of this guilt.

Do not bring her home from the hospital for even one night because that will be where she stays. You need only read through this forum to understand the pitfalls. Mom goes from the hospital directly into a care home.

I understand how you feel. My now-88 year old Mom is in a care home, MC unit, and I feel some level of guilt every single day. No way that I can care for her at home even though I'm a retired RN. My adult daughter and 2 school-age grandkids live with me and at 65, I can't dedicate myself to being Mom's 24/7 caregiver, even though she's still relatively independent.

Once a person reaches the point of needing skilled nursing care, it's a 24/7 job and impacts every aspect of home and family life. Your mom is now in the place where she needs to be and with a transfer into long-term care, you can remain very involved in her life. You can advocate for her, love her, and provide for her emotional support and quality of life needs. I talk to my Mom every day, sometimes more often and visit her weekly or as able; I bring the great grandkids at least monthly.

Please don't worry about your mom's history of substance abuse and that causing issues for her at the care home, it's truly not all that uncommon and her care team will know best how to ease her into a prescribed medication regimen that meets her needs. With all the medical issues going on with your mom, it's quite likely that she's being kept comfortable. Do let them know of her history of alcohol use so that she doesn't go into DTs that is not recognized as such (it's likely that the window for that is passed), but it's good for her care team to know about.

We all know that substance use is self-medication for deep personal pain and she may have some underlying depression and other issues that she can receive help for. She may socialize with others there and even make important friendships.

No info here on DPOA or any of that or your ability to facilitate care for her. For you to be involved will require your being named her Medical POA; the room phone and TV charges would require estate funds that you can manage as her DPOA to provide her with those things that straight Medicaid won't cover. Depending on your own finances, you may be able to kick in that approx $50. / month for phone and cable to keep that lifeline open, if no other payment source.

Bring your mom the things from home that remind her that she's loved and part of a loving family, mags and books or other things that she enjoys. You can do a lot to spruce up her room with family pictures, pillows, bedspreads, plants, kid art, sweaters, shawls, small lamps, and coverlets. Provide her with the clothing that is practical for her physical condition and give her your love. You may not realize the extent to which your mom may be relieved to be in a care home and not be a burden to family. Talk with her about these things and develop an understanding that will bring you both comfort.

You're not abandoning her and you can help her acclimate to the SNF by visiting when able, talking to the unit SW to let her/him know the activities that your mom enjoys so that she's pushed a bit to be involved. Make friendly with the care staff, the CNAs and RAs, tell them about who your mom is and advocate for her. The quality of care varies so greatly from one home to the next and if able, do some research and try to get her into the best available place. Be vigilant on her cares.

Give yourself the grace to let go of guilt, recognize your limits and give your mom the love and support to help her settle into this new stage of her life.

Hello! I read a lot of responses, but haven’t seen any so far that talk about therapy for you. For me, I have an alcoholic and narcissistic mother and we have had a complex relationship my whole life. I am 38 and have no children, so I moved back in with my parents to become their caregiver when my mother got diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. It has been such a nightmare for years and the *only* thing that has helped is ME going to therapy and working through the resentment and issues buried so deep inside me from childhood. I had to accept that my mother would never change and I would never get the mother I deserved or remembered from my youngest years. Truly accepting that I had basically been trained from a child to believe that doing anything for myself ever made me a selfish person and that training has run my entire life. Relationships, friendships, work, family, everything. I am doing the work now to basically un-brainwash myself. It’s HARD. And ain’t cheap! But it’s truly changed my relationship with my mother and the shame and guilt she tries to put on me, even when I have done everything humanly possible to help her. Addiction a disease, it’s not her fault. It can feel easy to blame people for their perceived “choices” when they are behavioral, but she really doesn’t have a choice in the matter most of the time. An ER doctor once explained to me that her brain is alcohol starved and will do whatever it has to do to get the alcohol cells to eat. It takes over all other systems, because it thinks it needs the alcohol to literally survive.
Thinking of it this way does make it a bit easier for me to let go of some of the resentment I have with her. It certainly isn’t perfect and each day is a new challenge, but to me, going to therapy has been the biggest help in releasing a lot of the stuff I saw as “guilt”. That’s what I would suggest for you to try. It takes time and you have to really put the work in, but it will have positive effects on ALL your relationships, so I say it’s worth it!

Talk to the social worker of the rehab in conjunction with her doctor about the addictions and follow through to the best of your ability.

You are doing your reality check and you don't want/can't have
her to live with you, and that's OK - it's not a crime!
Question is, can she afford a nursing home? If so, then do it and
love her to the best of your ability from afar.

Often times, guilt is a nasty tool of the devil that can blind you
from seeing the things you CAN do, and as you do what you can, and
talking to others, you may find other ways to DO positive, loving things.

Don't be blinded by guilt; it really is a black-out curtain to your ability to
see what you CAN do. So focus on looking forward and seeing the opportunities to do good.

It's kinda like what Paul said, "keep your eyes focused on the goal".
Remember too, that looking at the waves, Peter began to sink.
Keep your focus - shake off the guilt like dirt on your shirt -
you don't need it to do the work at hand.

Do positive, and love yourself your family and her the best you can;
that's all you CAN do.

Talk to the social worker of the rehab in conjunction with her doctor about the addictions and follow through to the best of your ability.

You don't want her to live with you, ok, that's not a crime.
You're doing your reality check. Can she afford a nursing home?
Then do it and love her to the best of your ability from afar.

Often times, guilt is a nasty tool of the devil that can blind you
from seeing the things you CAN do, and as you do them and
talk to others you may find other ways to DO positive, loving things.

Don't be blinded by it; do what you have to do, own it, and look
forward and look for and see opportunities for good. Kinda like
what Paul said, "keep your eyes focused on the goal". Remember too,
that looking at the waves, Peter began to sink. Keep focused.
Look towards the good and the positive; shake off the guilt as dirt
on your shirt - you don't need it to do the work at hand; it's rubbish.
Do positive, and love yourself your family and her the best you can;
that's all you CAN do.

Your own little ones need your undivided love and attention. They should come first always. Your mother has made her bed - I suspect that she's probably quite young but her addictions and lifestyle choices have aged her tremendously and hastened her current situation. That's not your fault or your duty to correct.

I'm 63 and care for my 95 y.o. mother in my home. I can tell you for certain that I would not be able to care for her if I were still raising my children. There is absolutely no way.

My mother has never accepted being anything but first place - no matter who else had to be pushed aside - even her grandchildren.

She in fact lived with us 17 years ago for 7 weeks after an automobile accident that left her with broken bones. At the time, I was homeschooling my 12 and 14 year olds. My mother's presence, needs and demands during those 7 weeks totally upended our home, our schedule and our peace. There was so much stress on me I thought I would crack up. I was so relieved when she was able to return to her own home.

Now she is living with me once again - for the past 5 years - but my two children are now grown and gone and my dog is dead.

There is absolutely no way that I would voluntarily take on one more thing, at this time because my mother's needs are increasing as we go along, and once again she has no ability to tolerate not being first.

If you make sure that your mother has the care she needs, then you have done your part. You can't fix a lifetime of bad health choices in someone else that have now come home to roost.

One more opinion if I may......I would think twice before taking my little ones into a nursing home because it can be super traumatic for them and they are not equipped at their ages to process what they see that can be disturbing.

Peace.

This does NOT have to be made permanent! What your mother needs most right now is some therapy. Don't settle for them just taking care of her basic needs. Get her the help she needs. She will need physical therapy and people visiting her until you can get her out of there. You or her good friend should be there for her when she calls or needs you. I pray she will recover and be home soon. But, don't give up on her and think this is the end. It does not have to be. Once she is strong enough try to move her care back home where she can continue to get stronger and hopefully also get rid of her addictions.

God Bless!

#1 PLEASE take care of your/the children 1st.....let the professionals at the A/L center handle your mother..This was told to me so MANY MANY times, and its hard...prayers for you !!!!!!!!!!

I’m sorry this is so hard. She sounds pretty bad off. You shouldn't feel guilty for making sure she’s in a safe place where she’s taken care of. That’s that.

You have your own family to deal with. Visit her as often as you can. If she’s negative, make them short visits, but do visit.

True she can’t abuse drugs/alcohol in a facility, however it doesn’t sound like she’s able to get anything due to her condition. What has the Dr said about her addictions? Sounds like she’s already had to stop abusing due to all the health issues she’s had.

Don’t feel guilty about keeping her safe. She won’t like where’s she’s at, but who would? It’s for her safety. Do not under any circumstances move her into your home. You have your children, your husband and yourself to take care of. Let a nursing home take care of her, where she’ll get better care and visit her.

I say ditto to everyone else who replied You need to be a mom to your little ones Placing your mom in a nursing home is what needs to be done

Your mother's addictions should not cause a facility to kick her out unless someone supplies her with the cigarettes, alcohol or drugs she should not have. Wouldn't the Nursing Home restrict a patient's access to the things your mother should not have?

You are right to not accept having your mother live with you. When you really accept that this is the right decision, you will feel less guilty.

There is NO way that you could care for her at home. Leave it to the trained professionals in the care facility. She needs 24/7 care now. Keep tabs on her and her care, but do not feel guilty. Bring her flowers and things to brighten her day when you visit. Your Mom has had a life of her choosing, now go have yours. I know it’s gut wrenching, but It will get easier over time. Pray for peace and know that you have done the correct thing.

Ur doing the right thing(s).
Making the right choices.
Bereavement just takes time.

Correct me, if I am wrong. I had a parent with an addiction problem and other psychiatric problems. I loved him, but he was a royal pain in the neck much of the time. He made my childhood, and my mother's life, many times more difficult. My mixed feelings lasted much of my life. I was older than you, at least a generation I would guess, when he died. Thank goodness, we made our peace in the last FEW WEEKS of his life. In fact, he brought it up. I would feel very guilty about many feelings I had for him over my life. I don't any longer. I forgive him and myself. I would suspect you have felt painful and ambivalent feelings about your Mom for a long time. Long before she became so ill. Take the time to sort some of them out now, for the sake of yourself and your family, and the ability to free your love for her of the pain included. I suspect you have done as much as humanly possible for your Mom. If you are a praying person, and I hope you are, it eases these things, pray for her and for you and your family. Pray for help in sorting these feelings. See a counselor. There may be a social worker at the SNF that knows of some available. God Bless and good luck.

GOOD- you are acknowledging that there is NO WAY you could invite Mom into your home, much less provide for her safety and care while simultaneously taking care of your own husband and small children.

NOW- consider this. There are MANY SITUATIONS in geriatric care that have NO HAPPY SOLUTIONS. MANY of them.

When this happens you make the safest decision, the one that may potentially case hurt or anger or discomfort, or ALL THREE, and realize that you did the very best for her that you could, without causing more destructive processes to befall the others whom you love.

You might also consider that your mom has made a series of painful life choices for a very long time, and that her next poor choice, if left to her own devices, might result in far worse consequences than what will result for her decision.

The nursing home should be told in advance that you are willing for her to receive psychiatric evaluation and appropriate medication for her addiction(s) and the consequences of them.

After placement, you will hug your husband and children, admire and appreciate and nurture them, and move forward yourself. You will have done all that you could. No guilt, sorrow for what she did to herself.

I disagree what you’re feeling is grief and not guilt … it’s guilt and it’s something all of us who had put loved one in home live with … and you’re feeling guilt because you’re a good person … but your mom needs 24/7 care with 3 shifts … you can’t provide that in a safe environment.
know that in home she will get the care she needs and she’ll be safe.
so find best home you can … visit often … stay on top of things … and please forgive her !!!
it may turn out be healing for both !!

Your family ( kids and husband) comes first. I agree with a lot of the other responses, go visit her, take the kids. Just know she’s in a safe place with round the clock care.

When my grandma, who lived with us, fell and broke her hip, we all just pitched in to take care of her. But that was in another country and I realize that it's different here in the US. I agree, you cannot do this on your own, having also two little ones to tend to. If you had a strained relationship with your mother, it might be good for you to consider forgiving her. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting but it will help you tremendously. Once you do, you will be looking at things differently. Who knows why your mom made the choices she did. She might just long to be loved and forgiven. Even if you cannot bring her home to live with you, you could visit and spend quality time with her, maybe getting to know her for the first time.
I would like to add, that children can help as well, even when they are little. It is a wonderful blessing and it teaches them to care for others, they love to be included and given tasks. Given their age, they can help feed a person, sit with them, hold hand etc. By demonstrating love and forgiveness, they will remember that when they are grown with an aging parent. And it might not make you feel as though you are all alone. If you go visit your mother in the nursing home, include your children by talking to them beforehand, what to expect and they will likely enjoy going there. Your children will watch your actions and follow that example.
All the best to you.

I just placed my mom 4 days ago in a NH after she left the hospital after her 4th fall in 2 years which all resulted in hospital care. It’s grieving that you’re feeling. I was my moms caretaker before that. You’re placing her where she will be safe. A lot of these comments are heartless…that’s your mom regardless of her choices. I pray for you and your mom speace. God will look over you and her. Place her somewhere close so you can visit her and show your presence because it will make a difference. There will be an adjustment period for both of you. I’ve grieved the loss of my mom…the mom I knew my entire life for several years now. Love her while you can. Forgive her also…everyday…like God forgives us. Bless you in your journey.

I have said this in another post and will share advice again. Replace "Guilt" with "Goals". Your mother needs to be in an NH so you and your family can get on with your lives. Definitely do not bring her home.

As a smoker, she clearly doesn't care about her own health, so you shouldn't either.

Don't even think about bringing her into your home, not even for a second.

Your mother basically sent HERSELF off to a nursing home by repeatedly making poor choices throughout her life. Even if you wanted to care for her At home, and had the ability and the resources to, you CANNOT because her issues are wayyyyy too numerous and complicated for one human being to handle. She now requires a team of caregivers working 24/7 to manage her care.

Its ok to feel sad about how she's wound up due to her choices in life. It's not ok to blame yourself for any of it.

When my mom had a completely life changing stroke, I had elementary aged children, one of whom has (and still has) a complex health situation. My mother’s care needs were far beyond what could be done in a home setting, she was a two person assist for every move, couldn’t sit, roll over, feed herself, etc. She received intensive therapies but did not recover. It was profoundly sad that it all couldn’t be different or better, but nothing to waste guilt on. What we had to do was turn our focus to being her advocate in the NH. We have no doubt that it helped her care that the staff saw mom as a person who was loved and cared for. Our family visited often, saw to it that she had nice clothing (that didn’t mean expensive) her hair was styled weekly, we checked in with staff to address any needs or concerns, and basically just showed we cared. We were blessed that she received care that was compassionate and competent throughout such a hard time. Be mom’s advocate, see to her needs as you can in her new setting, and always prioritize your own family. I wish you both peace