How can I keep going?

I didn’t stay, and I have never for one second regretted not being there.

My mother was a fiercely determined woman, and if she didn’t want me there, I did her no good by staying.

I sometimes think that these “vigils” are a little self serving on the part of the living. Each situation is VERY DIFFERENT though.

Visit when you can, but yo do not have to be there every minute and every hour. Your mother will die hen she dies, whether anyone is with her or not. There some good suggestions here about talking to her even though she is unresponsive. Let her know she did a good job of being your mother and assure her you (and your brother) will be okay.

I feel as a social worker with hospice experience that there is a psychological component to dying. The first thing I would suggest is that giving permission to die is important. Saying goodbye is important too. Is is possible that she is concerned about leaving someone? If so, please contact that person and have them talk to her via phone. A person who is not eating or drinking cannot hang on forever although it feels that way. Sometimes people prefer to die alone because it hurts both of you to go. It is okay to take a breather from extended visiting. Maybe go for a few minutes or take turns with your brother. My mother had constant family presence when she was dying. She died in a 4 minute window when she was alone. There is no right or wrong in this situation.

Only the Good Lord knows the day and the time that He will call her home, and if you're there when it happens , or you're not there, that is how it was meant to happen. Our loved ones never die alone, as God not only sends His angels, but also other loved ones that have gone on before us to take us to our real home. Please take comfort in that, and please take care of yourself, as you still have lots of living to do yet. Praying for God's peace and comfort for you during this difficult time.

I am so sorry you are going through this. There is NOTHING harder than seeing a loved one die...especially your mom. I totally understand what you are enduring. I stayed by my mom's side in hospital hospice for 13 days and nights. I tried to sleep at night with two hospital chairs pulled together to no avail. Each day I secretly hoped the Lord would take my mom to end her suffering. Near the 13th day (Christmas Day, actually), I held my mom, sang her a song (her favorite), told her it was okay for her to go (as I did daily) and told her she was going to a beautiful place; one where's no more pain. My mom passed away seconds afterwards and it was so peaceful. To be honest, I felt guilty for wishing the Lord to take her but it was overwhelming. I was a basket-case daily.

I know most people don't understand. All that mattered was I was there for my mom and know she was not alone.

If you need to talk...please reach out to me. I get it...completely. It is exhausting and something one cannot explain. It's torture on the loved ones. I'm here for you even though you don't know me.

It took three weeks for my mother to pass away once we knew it was happening. She held on far longer than anyone thought possible. Though members of our family were there a lot, we couldn’t be with her around the clock. She was deeply asleep and not communicating at all and in the end she was alone when she died. I’ve come to believe that is okay, many people who are dying aren’t aware anymore, they just slip away. There’s no dramatic final moment like on tv. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If you can’t be there, gift yourself with knowing it’s okay. I wish you peace

Alpha, you have to do what you feel is right.

People saying you'll be sorry is so wrong.

Only we know our personal situations and what our loved ones would want for themselves and what we can deal with. I don't believe that we have to watch someone die to prove our love.

I am sorry for your loss and I pray that God grants you wisdom and courage right now to do what you are supposed to do.

It does wear on you. My Mom was on Hospice for a week before she passed and no, I was not at her side the whole time. She was resting comfortably. The family came in during the week and said their goodbyes. My nephew and I went on her last day and sat with her. My nephew had been living with her and she worried about him since both parents were deceased. He suffers from multiple disabilities. He told her he would be fine. I sang her favorite hymn. We said goodby and left. She was found 20 min later by the nurse. So you could be there all day and leave for a minute and she could have passed. I do not regret not being there all day. Its stressful sitting around in a room shared by 3 other people.

Maybe someone has mentioned this already ... i havent read every answer.

your mother may be “asleep” but you dont know for sure what she can hear.

tell her you love her and if she is ready to go to feel free to do that. Talk about good memories. Keep the bad stuff down the hall in the waiting area unless you feel it is helping her to be comfortable and ready to die.

My mother passed away about 2am this morning.
Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to post. Truly, every single response was helpful and made me feel less alone.
This is a wonderful forum.