How can I honor my mother's wishes when her mother doesn't agree?

So sorry to hear your story.

In your shoes, I would continue to honour my Mother's wishes.

I would seek grief counsellor/hospice nurse/pastoral care/faith leader - a professional in this area - have THIS person sit down & discuss things with Grandmother. Explain what Mother's wishes are. What is planned. Talk it through.

Maybe Grandmother will gain some new perspective.. or maybe not 😞. Either way, you will have removed yourself from conversations/disagreements about treatments & wishes. The difference of views is between your Mother & her Mother - I don't feel it is fair to you to be caught in that, or have to fix or smooth that. They are allowed to disagree. That Mother's plans do.not agree with Grandmother's wishes may cause her sadness, bit it could bring her pride - that her brave daughter has chosen her oath with knowledge & dignity.

Wishing you peace.

You are in a very difficult situation. I assume you have told your GM of your mother’s wishes?
Being a POA is not easy. Often the things we are called to do are not popular with extended family.
I think I would explain to GM that as your mother’s POA you are required to follow your mother’s instructions. That you understand how difficult it must be for her to know her daughter is dying but you must put your mom’s wishes ahead of your GM’s.
I would also watch for your mom’s reaction to GM’s presence. If possible let her reaction guide you. Is she glad to see her mom or is it stressful for her?
Do you need GM to help? Can she help in ways like running errands or doing laundry or making meals?
Realize that it is your mom’s situation that GM is really upset about. I am so sorry you are all going through this.

Grandma can feel slighted all she'd like. In this case, YOU are your mother's POA and need to abide by her wishes. Grandma needs to step aside and let you do as your mother wishes. If that means she has to stay away, then so be it; if it means she's not speaking to you, so be it.

I know this is such a difficult time, made even worse by grandma taking such a stance. Why is that 'loved ones' make our jobs SO MUCH harder by imposing THEIR WILL on us when we have a job to do that they disagree with? Makes things 1000x harder and more stressful than it has to be. Maybe grandma is suffering from dementia now and unable to step back and let you do as you must. Do what you have to do for mom, THEN worry about reviving the relationship with grandma. That's what I'd do. You can't do both things at once here w/o getting someone upset, so grandma is the one who has to lose out. The thought of doing to your mom what gma did to her son is absolutely unthinkable and cruel, and precisely why mom did not want her handling her end of life wishes.

Best of luck with such a difficult situation. Wishing you peace and Godspeed as you move forward.

My feeling is to minimise contact with GM at present but keep up contact with family who are more receptive to the need for YOU to follow MOTHER’S wishes. If GM cracks a fruity, cut off contact – you have enough on your plate without a me-me-me controlling elder. I'd forget about how badly GM treated her son, and it's bad effects on her. That's a pointless unwinnable argument. Your justification is your mother. With luck, relationships will settle after your mother’s death – or GM’s death.

Thank God your mother had the foresight to name you POA. I cant imagine the torture your uncle went through at the insistence of his mother to keep him alive no matter the psychological and physical cost to uncle.

Your number one job is to protect your mother from that same outcome. And you are doing the right thing. Grandma may or may not come around after mom passes and that is her choice.

Tough situation and my heart goes out to you. I agree that your mom's wishes are adhered to. GM is also grieving and I hope you're able to help each other. God bless

Mom told you what she wanted so you gotta stick with that. You can’t control Grandmas reaction so just let that go and minimize contact. She will accept it or she won’t. That’s on her not you. Very sorry your family is dealing with this.

I imagine grandmother has to double down on her belief you aren't doing enough in order to justify to herself that she did the right things for your uncle, to admit that a different way may be better would be admitting she may have been wrong.

Don't get into it with her, you have already explained to her what your mother's wishes are and I wouldn't keep explaining beyond a brief "no, that isn't what she wanted", then end the conversation. Hang up or leave the room if necessary, you don't need to fight, you can still be polite when you do that - "grandma I'm sorry but I won't discuss this any more, I'll see you later".

I'm coming back to ask about whether there is a hospice suite in the hospital or a hospice facility available to you? Being in a place that specializes in the end of life felt very different to me than being in a hospital setting. ((hugs))

Did your mother write down her wishes in an Advance Healthcare Directive? If so, show this to your grandmother and tell her it's no longer up for discussion. Your grandmother's (possible) mental illness shouldn't be driving your mother's bus. Period. You won't be able to appease both parties, so do what you know your mom wanted and have faith that your grandmother can get over it if she really wants to have a better relationship with you. I would not allow her to be in your mom's room unaccompanied on the chance that some novice nurse will make the mistake of thinking she's the MPoA and follows any of her directions meant for your mom. I'm so sorry for your family having to go through this situation. May you all receive peace in your hearts on this journey.

Are you serious here? I am so sorry, but I do not on ANY level understand that are questioning your duty of honor, love, faith to carry forward your Mom's wishes in this? If you don't understand your duty to your Mother I grieve she gave you the power to act for her.
Your Grandmother sounds a bit doty to me, that irregardless of her grief. She also sounds a bit self-centered, disregarding the wishes of her own daughter and the children of that daughter.
Honestly, I am sorry if this sounds tough, but you DID ask. You need to embrace the duty given you by your Mom and act EXACTLY as she directed you. Whether or not your grandmother still loves you doesn't figure in this. I shudder to imagine being your Mom, caught between a doty Mom and a questioning daughter. As an RN it makes me cringe.
I am terribly sorry for this grief, for all your Mom is and has been going through, and for your coming loss. I can only wish you the best, and the strength to embrace your duty to your Mom.

I have a slightly different take from Alva, but it may also be hard to hear.

Grandma sounds like she wants to be the star of the show. A reap all the "grieving mother" kudos.

Your mom saw what her brother went through when her mother was running things and arranged for THAT not to be her fate.

Please don't think about your popularity with your family; think ONLY about what your mom told you she wanted.

I saw your update below my original post,Sadly. I honor you for going right to Mom and having talked with her; wasn't aware so was so able still to do that, and to reinforce for you her wishes.
And it's really unlikely she is hanging on for anything other than that the body does NOT give up easily. It can adjust to an unimaginable amount of insult.
Good for you for embracing your duty of protection for your Mom. As to grandma, I simply couldn't care less. I honestly have no use for people who allow others to be in torment because they cannot let them go. While I can sympathize a bit with her I cannot empathize. I cannot imagine putting a loved one through needless pain and torment.

Sadly, ((((hugs))))).

I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way.

I think you need to become a boring broken record who says "this is what mom wants; this is what mom CHARGED me with doing. She recently confirmed this. This is not MY choice; it's hers."

Write that on an index card and keep it near your phone.

There are folks who believe that suffering is "good for the soul"; there are folks who are so fearful of death that they insist on fighting cancer despite terrible quality of life at the end. I doubt you can make anyone in your family see your mom's point of view, but get some materials from various hospice organizations and let them look at them.

Sadly: grief can be an ugly thing and people process it differently, I've noticed. Your family is taking their grief out on YOU, it sounds like, b/c you are the easiest target. Your mom is dying and they are angry/scared about it. So they are lashing out and trying to find someone to blame. People also don't want to be left with guilt after a loved one passes; and putting in 'feeding tubes' and taking heroic life extending measures, in spite of the loved one's wishes AGAINST IT, make THEM feel better about THEMSELVES after the loved one passes. They can say, "well look at me, I tried everything humanly possible to extend her life and it didn't work. My hands are clean, I can't blame myself and can now live life guilt free.' That's my belief; and I call that selfishness when they KNOW their loved one does not WANT feeding tubes and heroic life saving measures taken to extend their life.

So this is when you get to be the Bad Guy by doing what mom wants, and let the others cluck their tongues in response. They weren't tasked with the dreadful job you were, so it's easier for them to be the Armchair Critics and tell you what 'they would do' and what 'you are doing wrong.' You are simply carrying out mom's wishes, that's all, hard as it is to do.

Death is hard to deal with, hard to process, and the ensuing grief tends to come along with guilt and other assorted emotional baggage for the survivors.

Wishing you Godspeed with all you have to deal with, which includes a lot of grief of your own to process.

So sorry GM is being such a PITA. And the rest of the lot. Screw them. You are doing the right thing and need to continue doing so with your head held high. If others can't understand it or agree with it, that's their problem. Don't let them make it yours. Once mom passes, you can see where your relationships are with those fighting against you. I think I'd spend a LOT of time alone and lean on those in your circle that support you and accept you. Not people who are making your life difficult.

You all have been so helpful! I appreciate all of your kindness and encouragement. The family meeting went well. The physicians explained everything to us all, including the POA, advanced directive and next steps. They were excellent in their commincation. One said it seems like she took care of everyone and didn't want to even burden them with having the conversation of what to do if something happened to her.

I learned some new things about the active role my mom played in caring for her brother during the end of his life. It sounded very traumatic for all involved. Mom played the role of nurse even administering his morphine.

They acknowledged that what she wanted and how she planned it sounds like something she would do because of what they all went through with her brother. They said none of them would be strong enough to make the hard decisions and she took care of all of them, especially those that are questioning everything.

Some even thanked me for being strong and acknowledged my mom knew what she was doing in appointing me POA. I explained exactly what she wanted down to the details of how she did not want my grandmother to watch her die. GM broke down and said how she's still not over her son's death from 5 years ago.

No one really had any questions, so only time will tell if they fully accept where we are right now and where we are going.

I have so many mixed emotions from grieving mom and how others crucified me that I can't even cry anymore. I think I'm in shock, but will fall apart at some point.

Thank you all so much ❤️

Since you are trying to keep contact with the rest of the family, I’d encourage them to keep on with the prayer vigil. It certainly won’t do mother any harm. You don’t need to be there – you can pray to God any way you want.

It is OK for your grandmother to be angry with you.

If by honoring your mother’s wishes, your great relationship with your grandmother suffers in the process, that’s one of the lousy miserable rotten things that happen when people get old.

There are some situations in dealing with the problems of the elderly where none of the possible choices yields a happy ending.

You’re caught in the middle of this tragedy, and your feelings count too.

Unless your mother wants to be brought home, she needs to be where she receives the best care, pain management, and simple comforts.

Please try to be kind and loving to yourself during this painful time. You are doing an amazing job.

Sadly, consider asking the hospice social worker to arrange some grief counseling for Grandma. She is much in need of relief from her unremitting pain, but it's not up to you to do that. She needs some professional guidance.

Even though your mother gave you medical power of attorney, if she is competent to make medically related issues, she can tell her mother herself with you backing her up.

It's not clear to me what your mom wants, though. Does she want to be in the hospital? Does she want to go back to her own home? Does she want hospice care in her own home rather than her mother's? It sounds like she does not want her mother by her side all the time.

Sit down with your mother and find out very specifically what she wants. If she has a living will, go over that with her. Ask your mother if she would like to talk to your grandmother about this. If she says yes, sit down with your grandmother and patiently and kindly explain to her what your mother wants and, if possible, why she wants it. You might want to say that the kindest thing she could do for her daughter is to honor her wishes.

If your mom is mentally competent and doesn't already have these documents, she may want a physician orders for life sustaining treatment (POLST) document, a DNR on her hospital chart and in her doctor's files, and to make sure it is clear that she doesn't want tube feeding or ventilation assistance.

This must be a very hard time for you. I wish you, your mother, and your grandmother the best.

(These are suggestions and not legal advice.)

The cackling peanut gallery arrived around 9:00pm with visitation over at 10:00pm. (My GM sisters and eldest brother) I spent the entire day with my GM, we all met with the medical team, went over mom's POA document, Advanced Directive and explicitly explained in detail her wishes. Everyone expressed understanding.
I told everyone goodnight, including my grandmother around 9:40pm. I didn't see the nurse for our nightly chat to thank them and remind them of no overnight visitors.

I called the nurse around 10:20pm. The nurse told me my GM asked HER if she could stay the night. She replied, "let me check with her daughter to see if it's okay".
Excuse me, I spent the entire day with GM, not once did she tell me about this burning desire to be by moms side all night, which I explained to her in the family meeting goes against what mom wants.

At this point I'm getting angry because it feels like they are being malicious about everything. Showing up when I'm not there to slither in.

My GM didn't say much in the meeting so now I'm feeling my great-aunts are feeding things to her or GM just cannot accept everything that's going on. I'm thinking she may have some form of early onset memory issues. Of which I would love to help her with, but I am deeply hurt by all of this that has transpired.

Sadly, is grandma's behavior typical of how she usually has acted over the years (wanting to be in charge, dismissive of what othrs think) or is this new behavior?

Sadly, how are things today?

Can you show proof of your discussions with your mother? I think Grandma has to be told that decision was made by her daughter, at least in part due to what she saw happening to her brother! Get support from other family if possible, and acknowledge the difficulty Grandma has in losing yet another child - this has to be terrible, not only for her, but for you all. The right decision is in your hands, I think.

I am big on doing what a dying person wants, in writing or not. Several times I have been asked to do something involving money that was not stated in the will. In all cases I was the sole beneficiary.

I carried out their last wishes to a tee, no exceptions. I committed, I followed through. If someone did not like it so be it.

I am nor one to get all worked up if someone does not like it, sorry they need to accept it and move on. I have done my duty.

I suggest that your Mom put her wishes in writing. Would having your Grandmother present as your Mom dictates her wishes, be helpful?
Best wishes to you both.
Sorry, I had not read previous comments before I responded.
So sorry that you're going through this. I can only imagine how hard this is on you.

Sounds to me that Grandma dearest has gotten everything she wants over the years. I'd sit Grams down, and discuss all your moms wishes and tell grandma you WILL honor your moms wishes and NOTHING will change your mind because this is the last thing you can do for your mom and it WILL be done, whether she likes it or not. Then see to it! Don't let someone try taking away what your mom wants. If she gets mad and refuses to speak, oh well. I don't want you to go to your own grave with regrets just because you were trying to keep someone else happy instead of what you mom wanted. Stand up, stand strong and do what legally you should do. Good luck!

I’m sorry you have to go through this. My mother passed just a month ago, in hospice care, and fortunately my sister and I were on the same page with mom’s wishes. You have to be strong in this; keep the focus on what your mother wants. Let criticisms from others roll off your back - it’s NOT about THEM. Hopefully these relationships will survive after your mother passes, but they may not. However, you will have a clear conscience because you honored your mother by carrying out her final wishes. Peace to you…

Your mother made you Medical POA for a reason and as hard as it is to go against your grandmother’s wishes. You need have the tough conversation with grandma and explain gently that you love her and your mother, and as much as it pains you to not go along with her, your mother had clear instructions on how she wanted her end of life to be handled. She trust that you will carry out her wishes. I would tell grandma that I need your support rather than the fight. Stick to honoring your mom. You are POA and it's your job.

Sorry about grandma’s insensitivity to your situation as this only makes it harder. I've been in your situation with siblings and mother, and was my dads POA.

Is it possible to meet the family members somewhere in the middle without actually doing harm to your mom's wishes? Maybe you are certain that bringing mom home under hospice care is not best considering her wishes and care that would need to be provided, but allowing g'ma to stay overnight so that mom doesn't pass all alone at a hospital (or wherever she is) is something g'ma needs. I know that I would have had a very hard time knowing my mom was alone in her final hours or minutes. If g'ma is not being disruptive, what is the harm.

It's not clear from this post if your mom is awake and talking at this point. If she's out of it, g'ma would probably just be in the room, sitting with the daughter she brought into this world. Grief and how we deal with dying is totally different from one person to another.

Another post said you sat with your siblings and g'ma to go over mom's desires and they had a better understanding. Just because you are medical POA does not mean you can't bend a little to help all of them 'let mom go' in their own way. And, of course, those who aren't privy to medical conversations that you have been involved with will have questions of their own. Help them to get these answers.

I think it's very possible for you to maintain relationships with all of the family and still carry out the things mom wants. It's also very possible that when mom gave these directives her wishes were to not burden these folks. Yet, if she could communicate now, knowing the family members want/need to be closer to her in the final days, she may understand they don't feel burdened at all and need this for their closure. Try not to be so 'in charge' that you can't see some of what they need, too.

Not being critical at all. Totally understand that you are trying to do what you were asked to do.