How to help, not only myself, but someone else's father that refuses to take care of themselves?

Call social services and tell them you can no longer care for him.

Your saying "his son" instead of "my husband" shows you are feeling very dis-connected to your husband. I would feel that way too!

I was in a similar situation with my husband's father, for the last 6-8 months of his life. My hubby felt that I had plenty of time and energy to take care of his father (and two of our own daughters, who still lived at home) AND take care of our home and all that goes along with it.

I was completely unappreciated, by my hubby, and had his father not passed away when he did--I think this would have ended our marriage. Hubby said "family takes care of family"--but anything remotely related to caregiving, hubby would get faintheaded and have to lie down. Literally, he could not handle ANYTHING "gross" and was useless with care. I ended up going to dad's house 3-4 times a day (20 mile roundtrip) so he could get the care he needed. I absolutely refused to bring him into our home, something that is STILL an issue between hubby and myself. To this day he thinks his dad would still be alive if I had been a better caregiver. The truth is, he had leukemia and he outlived his sentence by 10 years.

I did not take time for myself, at all. I was on the go 20 hours a day---after dad died and we liquidated all his assets--I began having migraines, nonstop that lasted for weeks. Just PTSD. Hubby didn't get it.

I WISH I had passed a weekend of care off to my hubby. Several, actually. Simply tell him "You take care of your father 24/7 for 3-4 days. See how that goes". He would have fallen to pieces.

Do check into other areas for care. You are obviously burned out and unhappy. Sounds like your marriage is not in the greatest shape, either. My husband alternately liked/hated that I spent so much time on his dad. He wouldn't help, so he couldn't really complain, but he was a jerk most of the time. Dad was sweet and tried to not be a nuisance, but he was so sick. It was dealing with my hubby that was hard. 13 years later, he's still mad at me, on some level.

In retrospect, dad should have been in a NH the last year of his life. We tried to give him quality of life, he had it, but at what a huge cost to me, my health and my marriage. I do know that when my MIL gets to "that stage" I will not be here to help. Sounds mean, I know, but I HAVE to self preserve. So do you. Good luck.

You certainly need more help than a few comments on this forum. All *I* can suggest is try to get some hired help in and stop living a life of slavery. If that's not possible because your husband is against it, I would start saving up some money. I would call a women's shelter because you are being abused, and I would go stay there while I filed for divorce. Let your husband and father live happily ever after, you can do the same.

It doesn't sound like this is much of a marriage. Am i reading this correctly? Your husband is using you as an unpaid caregiver for his dad?

What resources has dad got? Would he qualify for Medicaid? Has he been examined by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes meds help with paranoia.

You have no friends? Do you have medical insurance? Find a therapist or mental health counselor and start going to therapy. Go to the public library. Walk in the park. Start getting used to GETTING OUT.

Everyone here has given you very good information, but I would like to add that you start documenting everything, I know that this is more work for you, but it's important, record the daily activities you provide, ie: dressi, showering, shaving, meals and what you served him. His general well being each day. Maybe even take pictures of him eating these meals, nif only there ever comes a time, when you have to prove, that you are giving him good care. This may come in handy, if ever you get Home health involved oer worst case, Adult Protective Services, should you be under investigation of Not providing good care. Now, check out your states Area on Aging, each state has one, though sometimes they go by a slightly different name. They can send out a case worker, who will evaluate him, his insurance, and what services they might be able to procure for him and you. If he is collecting Medicare only, he may well be eligible for Medicaid, and if he has a secondary insurance, the HOME HEALTH, authorized by his Dr, which you should insist on, will probably be covered at 100%. He may be eligible for PT, OT, A SOCIAL WORKER, AN AIDE, TO ASSIST IN SHOWERING, and many othe home health services. You must be proactive to get the help YOU need. Beyond that, look into Respite, sometimes, if ther isn't monies available, there are grant programs, and the Area on Aging can assist you with this. Adult day programs are also out there, though sometimes these cost money, but they can assist you with this also! If I were you, I would walk out that door, early every Sunday morning, and don't come back until evening, go to a park, the library, church, anywhere, but don't come back until evening, to give your husband a taste of what you do every day. Do this as many Sundays in a row, as you can manage to get your point access! Your husband has you in a position of slave, and slavery was abolished many many years ago! Read some of these posts to him, especially about caregiver burnout, it's real, you are facing it firsthand, and you need a break! He is acting like a complete @ss! I would wipe the floor with him if I were you, but I am a very strong and mouthy wife, who takes No BS, from any man! Stand up for yourself! The time is NOW! Soldier on, one foot in front of the other! Keep coming back here to vent and for more help and keep reading the threads that pertain to your situation. It will help you get stronger and more apt to help yourself! Take care of you!

When you refer to "his son" do you mean your husband? That is a bit confusing.

No one can force this on you. Are you on disability payments? Do you have a case worker?

The only thing I can think of to add is to contact the Crisis counseling at Social Services and let them know of the situation, or if the son is willing to sit down with a mediator and work out a solution that will take the burden off of you.

I have so many questions from your posts. You're on disability - do you get disability payments? What happens to that money? Your husband works 6 days a week, 12-hour days from what you're saying, is that right? Those are long, long hours. If that's true, your husband is probably pretty tired. I'm not excusing his behavior, just trying to understand the whole picture.

Are your husband/father-in-law from another culture originally, which might explain their behavior towards you, in expecting you to just take care of your father-in-law?

If your father-in-law has Alzheimers, which you say he has, you need to educate yourself about what that means for his behaviors. You are saying he's not doing for himself. If he has Alzheimers, his brain is broken and he may NOT be able to do for himself. The same about him being mean to you or saying you haven't fed him for two days. Anyone who knows anything about Alzheimers (or dementia) understands that you can't take what those folks say at face value.

My mom, who has no short-term memory, will say it's the first time she's heard something, when I've told it to her 20X. I'm not worried about anyone thinking she's telling the truth, because if you're around her for 10 minutes, you can see she's not remembering what happened two minutes ago. So quit worrying about what your father-in-law might say about not being fed, if he's of normal weight.

I would start checking with your father's insurance (Medicare, I assume) to see if outside caregivers can be brought in for a few hours a week, to give you a break.

Have you ever had friends? If so, start contacting some of them to reestablish contact. Your husband and father-in-law are happy with how things are, so don't expect any help from them. You have to be the one to change your life and it will take some major guts on your part. But you can do it!

Are you related? Are you being paid? do you live in this person's house?

Okay, I need to explain things a bit, since I'm "in a cloud" today. It's my husband's father. I do not get paid for anything I've done, have done, or am currently doing. It's our house (husband & mine) & he's staying here. He's been here for an extremely long time. My concern is, that when I brought up the suggestion of calling Social Services, his son got an attitude about it. I feel like this, being completely honest. It's like someone "beating" me down daily. If I mention it's too much or "complain" that I'm just unable to keep doing this, I get the attitude(s) from them both. His son doesn't care & that's apparent by his lack of taking care of his parent. Yes, he's his only child. So, he feels/thinks it's now my (personal) responsiblities to care for his father. His son watched his mother pass away at a nursing home (over) 16 year's ago. She did not suffer from what his father (currently) has. He said he lives with guilt of not taking her home, the day before she passed, because she asked him to take her home.

Now, while I can't relate to (personally) enduring/going through that, since I did mention I have no family of my own, I think he uses that as his (own) personal reason(s) for not doing that for his father. I however, feel/think that he's just refusing to see the "reality" of what's going on & how much this takes out of a person. I've been verbally abused by his father, been accused of doing things, that have never been done. His last hospital visit, amounted to him telling the nurse, I hadn't feed him in 2 day's. Reality is, he eats every 2 hours or even more most day's. He refuses to do, even the most trivial of things for himself.

I don't need to go to jail, because his father's confused about the reality of his own life. I don't need this much stress, being forced upon myself. I have (serious) health issues, that are just becoming worse, because I can't get a break for myself. I know, in reality, that it must be difficult for his son, as well as his father. Neither one of them can see how difficult it is for me. I feel terrible on many levels. I just want my life back. Is that wrong? I feel, so deeply, that it is. I know IF I don't take care of him, his son will not, because the past has proven just that.