How can I get my wife to take a bath or shower and to wash her clothes?

What changed a year ago?

Your wife is comparatively young for her diagnosis. If it was made five years ago, and was accurate, then her Alzheimer's Disease is most unlikely still to be anything like "mild." Does anyone besides you have eyes on how she is doing physically, or mentally?

In 2017 she was in the beginning stage, was in denial, she was probably able to do a lot on her own; housework, her bathroom agenda, dressing, showering. There is no mild case with ALZ, a mild stage is the start, it’s a progressive disease, so at this stage she probably needs assistance with bathing & dressing. There are steps involved, she may not know where to start, it’s overwhelming. Please don’t think you can beg, convince or re-teach her. Refrain from an argument, you will lose the battle & feel terrible afterwards. At this stage she may need & feel more comfortable with an aide, one experienced with Alzheimer’s, to bath & dress her. A daily visit is better for health reasons & habit forming, the goal being for the aide to become her “lady friend.” Try to keep dressing simple; elastic waist, baggy tee shirts, comfy. If she falls asleep in them, so be it, her rest & yours is best during this “new normal.” Read & ask questions to learn, there’s so much, this forum is great as well!
Blessings

The only way I could shower my mom was to give her one tiny step at a time, starting with 'could you come in here,' 'sit right there,' 'let's take your shoes off,' 'let's take that shirt off. It's dirty & I've got a clean one here' (ok, I know that's a stretch in your case...) Once the shirt was off, while she was feeling a bit vulnerable, I would have my husband walk down the hall or call out some irrelevant remark. Just hearing there was a man in the house made her quiet down and prevented the total breakdown that usually ensued. I assured her it was just my husband - I didn't want her scared, but like with an aid, just a little intimidated to throw a fit. Then I would say 'let's get some clean pants on.' In her case, once the clothes were off, and hearing someone else in the house, she was somewhat pliable. I would then show & tell her to just grab the shower bar, and basically break the whole thing down into tiny, doable steps. By the time the water came on & she realized a shower was coming, she was already undressed and a bit more vulnerable. I continued the tiny steps through showering, giving her the illusion of being in control, while I made sure everything got washed and rinsed. ...Husband or nephew making their presence known outside the bathroom door helped immensely. I'm sure an outside aid would've helped as well. Anyone but me! ...No reasoning about how she smelled or her clothes were dirty would move her at all. ...However, a small win: once when she was in the shower, I said, 'doesn't that feel good?' and she replied 'yes.' I could hardly believe my ears! Pamper and compliment afterwards for a win as well!
I do hope this helps you, K, but I also know that everyone is different.

I would definitely hire and aide once or twice a week to handle showering. They have their magical ways to get compliance with soooo many things. My mom fights me about just about everything - but does the same things with a smile on her face for a professional. Maddening but true.

Every time my mom wears ANYTHING, the rule is that is goes in the laundry. She either get food, pee or poop on virtually everything she wears so there's no reason to take any chances. It goes in the hamper, end of story. So anything I find on the floor of her closet, in the hamper it goes. I have the aides do her laundry and help her put it away too. It's such a relief.

Please get some help ASAP. Ask around for a private caregiver or hire through an agency. It will be a great help for both of you.

I'm sorry that your wife is so young to be this far into dementia.

You need to take control of the laundry and secretly find her dirty clothes and wash them without her knowing. You may need to heat up the bathroom with a space heater -- I found that helped -- she felt cold and did not want to shower. I also got a 'puff' on a stick/long handle -- apply liquid soap (like dove) on that for her and directed her what to do. You will need to set the temperature for the shower and help her in. Also, you will need to monitor and help her by putting shampoo it in her hand and explaining what she needs to do. Have a clean towel and clothes ready for after and get her quickly into them before she knows or so she doesn't have to think about it. You will need to find simple and comfortable clothes for her. I found simple, similar shirts and sweatpants worked from Walmart. I would launder them every other day because she would get food and urine on them. In sum, you will need to step up and take charge of the shower and laundry every step of the way. She likely can't remember the steps to shower or do laundry on her own.

K11384: An individual who suffers with Alzheimer's has lost the capacity to reason, of course. Since no amount of prodding by you is EVER going to be successful, perhaps you will have to employ an aide to come into the home and take over the bathing of your wife. Three hundred and sixty five days is a very long time to go without cleaning one's body before the skin breaks down. Hire the aide posthaste. Please attain someone who can also wash clothing; that may indeed have to a separate individual. Hopefully your wife is routinely being seen by her neurologist as having been dx'd five years ago is a looooong time as far as the disease of Alzheimer's is concerned.

"My wife was diagnosed with a mild case of Alzheimer's, in 2017."
Five years is a very long time to go without an update on a progressive neurological illness.

Please get her to a geriatric specialist - ideally one focused on memory care.
Work with a team (geriatrician, geriatric nurse practitioner, neurologist, and social worker) to create a plan of care for your wife.

Azheimers is often a disease that requires total care and you need a team to understand:
1. Your wife's current medical status.
2. The appropriate support she needs now - and what of those things you can do for her and what you must look for supportive care to do.
3. The indicators you need to look for to adjust the current care and know what plan will be next.

Too many people try to keep very sick loved ones at home without the proper care. This hurts both the dementia patient and the caregiver. Please find a team to help you.

Good grief! You need a big powerful aide who will insist

How about making an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist to reevaluate her mental health and medicate if that is deemed a solution?

Sounds like she's ready for Memory Care, but the professional can make that determination. Perhaps with medications, she could be accepted into Assisted Living, but I'm not sure.

Going thru same situation. Great answers. Gives me a little more ammunition dealing with her.

Lots of good suggestions here. I’m going to add one of my own that I use after I’ve asked my dad for the 5th or 6th or 10th time to stand and get ready to take a shower. (He’s physically fit enough but the mild dementia means he forgets pretty much right away that I’ve asked him, and that he would much prefer to just lay in warm cozy bed then to get out and get undressed and take a shower…). The only thing that really ever works is when I start talking about how it’s my duty as his daughter to make sure that he’s OK, that I worry about bedsores and UTIs and that he must keep clean if he’s to be in the same bed with his wife, and then I pull out the big guns – I talk about the mites… The mites that are feeding on the sloughed off skin cells that he’s been shedding for days since his last shower, and the way they are multiplying exponentially in the bed… If he hasn’t started laughing and got up by then, I pull up an image of a dust mite (magnify to gazillion times to look like a horrifying alien beast) on my phone and show it to him. “Ewwww….” he says, as his eyes go wide. “Can’t have THAT!” And off he goes to the pre-warmed shower where clean undergarments and a soft warm robe await. (While he’s in the shower, I take the opportunity to change the bed…)
Other times, it’s my moms offer to shower with him that finally gets him in there. But they are both 91, and mom can hardly stand so this is a nerve-racking proposition. I always stand guard outside the door, ready to pounce in case I hear sounds of distress or thuds of a fall. All I ever usually hear is giggling.

You don't give her a choice. She has Alzheimer's and is no longer in charge.
Do you have hired caregiver help? You need an in-home aide.
You and the aide tell her that it's shower time. If she refuses tell her that her doctor insists that she wash up and change her clothes otherwise he will put her in a nursing home. This usually does the trick to get someone washed and changed.
If it doesn't then you and the aide are going to have to be a little bit intimidating. Yes, sometimes being a little bit harsh is what it takes. Believe me, a person recovers a lot faster from a little mean intimidating a lot easier than from skin breakdown and UTI's from being filthy. I was an in-home caregiver almost 25 years and I learned from experience that sometimes you just have to force the person into the shower and let them throw a tantrum.
I had one client years ago whose family was at their wits end with her. She lived in her son's house. Her DIL was her caregiver and this poor woman was at the end of her rope. Her MIL refused to wash or change her clothes, and was incontinent. She'd sit in a soiled, peed and crapped through Depend all day and deny that it was soiled. She had mild dementia compounded with severe stubbornness.
I came in there and told her she crapped herself and needed to get changed. She denied it and started having a tantrum. I grabbed her arm and put her hand in her pants. Then I put the hand right up her face so she could see and smell it for herself. It took some battling but I was able to get her into the shower with her DIL to help. I showered her twice a week for five years. Her DIL was able to get her to change the Depend when she's crap and pee in it because she learned what to say. I told her to threaten her with calling her son to come home from work if she won't get cleaned up and that he will get fired from his job for leaving because of her. This worked for a long time until they had finally had to place her.

My mother would never shower if she had the choice, but I don't give her one.

Sundays have become her shower day and even though she tries to resist, I just tell her that she has no choice, that it's my duty as her daughter/caregiver to make sure that she is clean.

That usually gets her to go along even though she doesn't like it.

I've got it down to a science now and and can get the entire affair completed with hair rolled, clean clothes, clean sheets, etc. in about 1.5 hours.

She gets clean clothes every day. When she is on the toilet, and I'm dealing with her depends change, I will change her pajama pants. I'll tell her to take off her shirt to change that too and if she doesn't, I just pull it over her head myself.

She doesn't get to run the show.

Hi there , I’m so sorry your going through this , my mother is the same way . She would get so mean and nasty when I would even discuss it ! My mom had a fall and after had home health care people come in to help, that’s how I finally got her started showering on a weekly basis… I’ts still a fight to get her in , and I dread ,, but they showed me how … I suggest you talk to her dr and see if they can get you some help !! Sorry im not much help but I truly understand ! Good luck ! I’ll be praying for you !

Does she remove regular clothing to put on pj's?
My Husband was sort of like that but he would fold up his clothes and when he went to bed I would pick up the soiled clothes and replace them with clean clothes. I do not think he ever noticed.
As far as the shower or bath. There are caregivers that have a special knack in getting people to shower or bathe. Call a few agencies and ask if they have Shower Aides.
Have you contacted Hospice to help you out?
Hospice will proved a CNA that will come and shower or bathe 2 times a week. They will also change bedding if needed and order supplies.
There is a very good chance that your wife would qualify for Hospice and with that you will get the help you need, supplies delivered, equipment when you need it. A Nurse will come at least 1 time a week. There are many other services that Hospice will provide. It is worth a phone call.

You can't ask her permission to wash her clothes...she will always say no. Distract her with something and maybe have another family member pick up the clothes and take them to a laundromat to do them all at once. Or you could throw a load in after she goes to bed. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the lack of bathing for that long. Try anything to get her to bathe...tell her you've had to fix the shower head and you need her to try it out to see if the pressure is ok. If you can't "trick" her into the shower, try to get an organization to come in. They have ways of working with people to get them to wash. If's a common occurrence in the elderly to avoid bathing.

This is not denial. This is lack of insight.

If you break your ankle you see it & feel it. Dementia causes damage to the tiny cells in the brain, these cannot be felt by the person.

However, someone can be aware they can't seem to think straight, feel foggy or know they get muddled at times.

Resisting bathing & changing clothing is very very common.

My own thoughts are this is caused by a combination of factors;
- The task is now too long / too hard for them. They will avoid starting a sequences they can't complete. Wish to avoid appearing foolish or get embarrassed asking for help.
- Diminished short term memory. Can't place when last shower/clothes change was. May state they already showered (but haven't all week). May say clothes have been changed (but worn many days/weeks).
- Diminished sensory info. Can't smell their body odour or clothes. Cannot recognise stains on clothing.

I am truly sorry for your wife's diagnosis. It is hard indeed to look at the positives, but this can help you. Look at what she CAN still do - as this incidious disease is progressive. Skills will continue to go.

To be frank, it seems your wife is no longer independent with bathing & clothing changing/washing. So it's time to start looking into a hired Care Worker to provide shower assist 2 times a week. Also for light housekeeping to lighten your load.

Try to celebrate the daily things you can enjoy together, music, books, photos, gardening - whatever you like to do.

Best wishes to you both.

For mom's entire adult life, until now, washing her hair meant that afterwards she was faced with putting it in rollers, pin curls, drying under a bonnet, styling, spraying, and whatever else she did in the 1950s. She hated washing her hair because it caused her so much effort. When I say it's shower time she still cringes at the thought of all that work, to the point of tears. I can't get my hair wet she cries. After a few weeks of this I finally just said if we get your hair wet we'll just dry it with the blow dryer. That was all it took to get her moving in the right direction. Your wife may have a similar reason. Maybe don't insist she wash her hair at first. Just to see if that makes a difference. Also for mom we only did sponge baths at first, then added sitz baths for the private areas, and foot soaks for "pedicure days," basically getting all the hot spots clean over the course of a few days. Now she's able to take a full shower but it took about 6 months to get there. Now and then we go through the I can't get my hair wet crying again, but mostly nowadays showers are just routine. Others have given great ideas on this and the clothes washing. I hope you find something that works.

After a full year, I'd just take her out back and hose her down like you do a golden retriever.

Home health care agency had a CNA who visited 3 times a week to give showers. It was her only job, and she traveled from house to house. You might look into that.

My mother fought my dad about showering, but she didn't as much with me, then not at all with an aide who came in to do it. She feels safe enough to fight you, but with a stranger she'll likely be more complacent.

Also, consider getting her multiples of the same outfits, so she won't know if she's wearing the same one or not. Use unscented detergent and fabric softeners, because the scents might bother her.

I worked for a Nobel Prize-winning scientist one summer who wore the same thing every day. Since he didn't smell, I eventually figured out that he just didn't want to think about what to wear, so he had multiples of the same clothes. It's really a pretty smart way to go when you think about it.

You must know by now that there is no reasoning with a person suffering from any Dementia. Its time for you just to do what needs to be done.

My daughter worked in NHs for 20 yrs as an LPN later RN. She says one way to get some to shower is to make them think they made the choice. Never ask ur wife if she wants to shower, the answer will be no. My daughter told her residents "time to shower". If no was the answer, she would say "Mrs B, don't you want to be fresh, clean and smell good then put on all clean and fresh clothes?" She says she usually then gets a yes. Mrs B made her own decision.

I believe that those suffering from any Dementia become like a small child and that is how you deal with them. Small children do not like showers. The only way you get them to bathe is letting them play with tub toys or have a bubble bath. Wonder if ur wife would go for a bubble bath?

My Mom had a small bath. It was a powder room that we had a shower put in. The bathroom should be warm. I used to put a small heater in Moms to get it warm. I had a shower chair I put in the shower back away from the shower head. I had a hand held shower head. I placed her on seat. Mom would wash her face with just water on a washcloth. I would rinse her down, turn off the water, then soap her up real good. Then I would rinse her off. She never fought me washing her hair. I would have her lean her head back rinse, wash, rinse and quickly rap her head up in a towel. To do her private area I would have her stand with her back to me (there was a rail) open her legs and use the handheld to get water up there. I had a hand towel on the toilet seat when she got out and a towel handy. I dried her and put on clean Depends and her bra. Place was too small to fully dress her so did that as we got into her room which was right out the bathroom door. Everything done as quick as safely possible.

Your wife only needs an actual shower 1 or 2x a week. You can do a sponge bath in between. If you help her toilet, making sure she is clean should be OK. I use Huggies, bigger and thicker than those women wipes. There are dry shampoos.

K11384, please note that your wife is NOT in denial, she just doesn't understand what is happening as her brain is broken. You must realize in the 5 years that she was first diagnosed, that she is in another stage of Alzheimer's.

Please learn as much as you can about Alzheimers. That way when your wife advances into another stage it won't be a total surprise. Go to the blue/green bar at the top of this page.... click on CARE TOPICS.... now look for Alzheimer's/Dementia. There is a lot of excellent articles regarding this disease.

As for showering, in the articles you will find that some people don't like the water hitting on them, it hurts them. There is the fear of confined spaces. There is the fear of falling. Plus showering or bathing feel like a day at the gym, it can be very exhausting.

As for your wife's clothes. Unless your wife is shadowing you around the clock, it should be easy to just get those clothes out of the hamper and wash them.

Will she sponge bath? Would a female caregiver that can come into the home be helpful? Maybe call her Dr and ask if they have a solution.

I would take her clothes and wash them … I’m sure getting her to change is another story..