How can I get my wife to take a bath or shower and to wash her clothes?

My mother fought my dad about showering, but she didn't as much with me, then not at all with an aide who came in to do it. She feels safe enough to fight you, but with a stranger she'll likely be more complacent.

Also, consider getting her multiples of the same outfits, so she won't know if she's wearing the same one or not. Use unscented detergent and fabric softeners, because the scents might bother her.

I worked for a Nobel Prize-winning scientist one summer who wore the same thing every day. Since he didn't smell, I eventually figured out that he just didn't want to think about what to wear, so he had multiples of the same clothes. It's really a pretty smart way to go when you think about it.

K11384, please note that your wife is NOT in denial, she just doesn't understand what is happening as her brain is broken. You must realize in the 5 years that she was first diagnosed, that she is in another stage of Alzheimer's.

Please learn as much as you can about Alzheimers. That way when your wife advances into another stage it won't be a total surprise. Go to the blue/green bar at the top of this page.... click on CARE TOPICS.... now look for Alzheimer's/Dementia. There is a lot of excellent articles regarding this disease.

As for showering, in the articles you will find that some people don't like the water hitting on them, it hurts them. There is the fear of confined spaces. There is the fear of falling. Plus showering or bathing feel like a day at the gym, it can be very exhausting.

As for your wife's clothes. Unless your wife is shadowing you around the clock, it should be easy to just get those clothes out of the hamper and wash them.

Home health care agency had a CNA who visited 3 times a week to give showers. It was her only job, and she traveled from house to house. You might look into that.

My mother would never shower if she had the choice, but I don't give her one.

Sundays have become her shower day and even though she tries to resist, I just tell her that she has no choice, that it's my duty as her daughter/caregiver to make sure that she is clean.

That usually gets her to go along even though she doesn't like it.

I've got it down to a science now and and can get the entire affair completed with hair rolled, clean clothes, clean sheets, etc. in about 1.5 hours.

She gets clean clothes every day. When she is on the toilet, and I'm dealing with her depends change, I will change her pajama pants. I'll tell her to take off her shirt to change that too and if she doesn't, I just pull it over her head myself.

She doesn't get to run the show.

You must know by now that there is no reasoning with a person suffering from any Dementia. Its time for you just to do what needs to be done.

My daughter worked in NHs for 20 yrs as an LPN later RN. She says one way to get some to shower is to make them think they made the choice. Never ask ur wife if she wants to shower, the answer will be no. My daughter told her residents "time to shower". If no was the answer, she would say "Mrs B, don't you want to be fresh, clean and smell good then put on all clean and fresh clothes?" She says she usually then gets a yes. Mrs B made her own decision.

I believe that those suffering from any Dementia become like a small child and that is how you deal with them. Small children do not like showers. The only way you get them to bathe is letting them play with tub toys or have a bubble bath. Wonder if ur wife would go for a bubble bath?

My Mom had a small bath. It was a powder room that we had a shower put in. The bathroom should be warm. I used to put a small heater in Moms to get it warm. I had a shower chair I put in the shower back away from the shower head. I had a hand held shower head. I placed her on seat. Mom would wash her face with just water on a washcloth. I would rinse her down, turn off the water, then soap her up real good. Then I would rinse her off. She never fought me washing her hair. I would have her lean her head back rinse, wash, rinse and quickly rap her head up in a towel. To do her private area I would have her stand with her back to me (there was a rail) open her legs and use the handheld to get water up there. I had a hand towel on the toilet seat when she got out and a towel handy. I dried her and put on clean Depends and her bra. Place was too small to fully dress her so did that as we got into her room which was right out the bathroom door. Everything done as quick as safely possible.

Your wife only needs an actual shower 1 or 2x a week. You can do a sponge bath in between. If you help her toilet, making sure she is clean should be OK. I use Huggies, bigger and thicker than those women wipes. There are dry shampoos.

Lots of good suggestions here. I’m going to add one of my own that I use after I’ve asked my dad for the 5th or 6th or 10th time to stand and get ready to take a shower. (He’s physically fit enough but the mild dementia means he forgets pretty much right away that I’ve asked him, and that he would much prefer to just lay in warm cozy bed then to get out and get undressed and take a shower…). The only thing that really ever works is when I start talking about how it’s my duty as his daughter to make sure that he’s OK, that I worry about bedsores and UTIs and that he must keep clean if he’s to be in the same bed with his wife, and then I pull out the big guns – I talk about the mites… The mites that are feeding on the sloughed off skin cells that he’s been shedding for days since his last shower, and the way they are multiplying exponentially in the bed… If he hasn’t started laughing and got up by then, I pull up an image of a dust mite (magnify to gazillion times to look like a horrifying alien beast) on my phone and show it to him. “Ewwww….” he says, as his eyes go wide. “Can’t have THAT!” And off he goes to the pre-warmed shower where clean undergarments and a soft warm robe await. (While he’s in the shower, I take the opportunity to change the bed…)
Other times, it’s my moms offer to shower with him that finally gets him in there. But they are both 91, and mom can hardly stand so this is a nerve-racking proposition. I always stand guard outside the door, ready to pounce in case I hear sounds of distress or thuds of a fall. All I ever usually hear is giggling.

This is not denial. This is lack of insight.

If you break your ankle you see it & feel it. Dementia causes damage to the tiny cells in the brain, these cannot be felt by the person.

However, someone can be aware they can't seem to think straight, feel foggy or know they get muddled at times.

Resisting bathing & changing clothing is very very common.

My own thoughts are this is caused by a combination of factors;
- The task is now too long / too hard for them. They will avoid starting a sequences they can't complete. Wish to avoid appearing foolish or get embarrassed asking for help.
- Diminished short term memory. Can't place when last shower/clothes change was. May state they already showered (but haven't all week). May say clothes have been changed (but worn many days/weeks).
- Diminished sensory info. Can't smell their body odour or clothes. Cannot recognise stains on clothing.

I am truly sorry for your wife's diagnosis. It is hard indeed to look at the positives, but this can help you. Look at what she CAN still do - as this incidious disease is progressive. Skills will continue to go.

To be frank, it seems your wife is no longer independent with bathing & clothing changing/washing. So it's time to start looking into a hired Care Worker to provide shower assist 2 times a week. Also for light housekeeping to lighten your load.

Try to celebrate the daily things you can enjoy together, music, books, photos, gardening - whatever you like to do.

Best wishes to you both.

After a full year, I'd just take her out back and hose her down like you do a golden retriever.

For mom's entire adult life, until now, washing her hair meant that afterwards she was faced with putting it in rollers, pin curls, drying under a bonnet, styling, spraying, and whatever else she did in the 1950s. She hated washing her hair because it caused her so much effort. When I say it's shower time she still cringes at the thought of all that work, to the point of tears. I can't get my hair wet she cries. After a few weeks of this I finally just said if we get your hair wet we'll just dry it with the blow dryer. That was all it took to get her moving in the right direction. Your wife may have a similar reason. Maybe don't insist she wash her hair at first. Just to see if that makes a difference. Also for mom we only did sponge baths at first, then added sitz baths for the private areas, and foot soaks for "pedicure days," basically getting all the hot spots clean over the course of a few days. Now she's able to take a full shower but it took about 6 months to get there. Now and then we go through the I can't get my hair wet crying again, but mostly nowadays showers are just routine. Others have given great ideas on this and the clothes washing. I hope you find something that works.

Will she sponge bath? Would a female caregiver that can come into the home be helpful? Maybe call her Dr and ask if they have a solution.

I would take her clothes and wash them … I’m sure getting her to change is another story..