How can I get my stubborn, unwilling mother, who has mid-late stage dementia, to move into memory care?

Yes, after you have established legal guardianship, maybe set it all up for her to move in to a demensia facility.
Tell her you are going out to lunch....... have it pre-set with the facility that you can have lunch with her in the locked unit.
Then you can start conversation with other people while eating and then tell her you have to go to the bathroom and just get up and slip out.........
I know this sounds deceptive but I have worked in facilities for many years and sometimes you have to trick them in order to get them in there...... then you can go get some of her things, or have them all placed there before she gets there whatever is easier.
You are doing the best thing for her to keep her safe, so do not feel guilty.... you can visit and in time she will adjust.
Maybe make a board with family pictures on it for her to have in her room, and some of her favorite things like a rocker recliner, magazines, some of her personal things so she feels connected.
I hope this little bit helps to maybe get her into the facility.....
Once in there she will have activities to keep her busy, there is always an Activity Director and they work on arts and crafts, entertainers come in, singing, word games to keep their minds sharper, and a whole lot of things.
You can always call the administrator or caregivers during the day to check up on her in between visits to assure yourself that she is doing ok.
God Bless.

Thank god you have the sense not to have her live with you - it would be hell for you. Get help from the doctors and Adult Protective Care. You will have to be very tough and strong - I am not sure I would advocate physical force unless she is sedated but if tricking her is the ONLY way, then so be it. Do what you must. She has dementia - she does not belong out in the field - she needs to be in a facility. End of statement

Yes With a doctor's help, apply for a guardianship and have her moved to memory care. She may make you feel guilty BUT you are in fact doing the best thing for her and for yourself.

Our family went to court and obtained an emergency guardianship to help my mother-in-law who refused to even get medical help that she definitely needed. She actually did have a medical emergency that put her in the hospital before our guardianship came through, so I don't know how we would have "forced" her to go. Someone else might be able to answer that question. But, once she was in the hospital, it was easier to transition to a rehabilitation center and then on to long-term care. It was not an easy decision, but we couldn't just watch her suffer. We now have full guardianship and are able to handle all of her affairs, medically and financially. She is slowly getting acclimated to the long-term care facility, but it hasn't been a smooth path. We believe we absolutely did the right thing. Educate yourself as best as you can and God bless you.

Hi first of all I would like to say you are not being mean. Your mum needs professional care with people who can deal with your mum's dementia.
Best thing is to get in touch with a social worker & explain situation. Tell them you need respite. The social worker should organise for your mum to go to a place for a week respite. You could tell your mum it's a holiday just for a week as the Drs said she needs a rest. Also organise an ambulance to take her so it removes the upset/ guilt. Sadly your mum is at risk of hurting herself, a house fire or being run over/ getting lost. A gentleman was lost for 3 days & finally found alive near a stream in a field. The family were frantic I helped search for him. Sadly he died in hospital. So you are right to decide she needs care & you need a life. My mum had to go in a home for her safety. I had a young daughter & job & looking after my dad. The guilt never goes but you know she's in best hands. You can visit, take her snacks & make her window sill pretty with flower s etc. I'm now looking after my dad at home with vascular parkinsonism. He can't walk & we have carers help 4 times in day & twice in the night to help me get sleep. He still can make decisions & he's not at danger to walk out side & burn the house down. So get your mum some help & go from there. You are being kind to your mum that you love. Hope this helps

reasoa: Your mother with mid to late stage dementia should not be living alone. You should seek assistance by way of an elder law attorney, as it may be too late to file for Power of Attorney as your mother may be well past the competency required to do so. Perhaps her primary care physician or indeed her neurologist can assist with stating that she should DEFINITELY not live alone as your mother will not listen to you. There is zero reasoning ability with an individual who suffers with dementia.

From what I understand, bolstered by the many touching stories on this forum, you cannot 'reason' with a person afflicted with Dementia; you cannot 'explain' things to them; you simply have to get mom's affairs in order, locate the best possible placement, and take her there with whatever pretext needed (lunch out, a little vacation, etc.) These facilities know how to do intakes and help transition a new resident. Lean on all the appropriate agencies, social workers, aging assistance available in your area. Wishing you all the support you need for the best outcome for you and your mom.

Yesterday, I put my Mom into a memory care unit, doing what our entire immediate family said we would not do. She did not go willingly and it was not her choice. She has been stubborn all of her life, however, she wouldn't have gotten to where she was in her professional life if she did not possess the qualities that she had. I no longer had it in me to rationally care for her.

Previous posts have brought up some very important points. First, does she have a will, a trust, a Power of Attorney and a medical directive? If not, you should do that immediately. You will need the POA and medical directive and a POLST, if you want to get her into a care facility. If you do not have these things, get it done because soon she will not be able to mentally make the decisions needed to perform those items, especially if it this is the first time she is making these decisions.

While that is getting done, get a real inventory of all of her financial assets, her bank accounts, her real estate holdings and stocks owned, any life insurance, etc. You will need these things because you need to know how much she is able to pay and what options would be available (e.g. day time at a senior center?) Should she pass away, it will make it easier to distribute her assets, pay bills and pay tax, etc.

Also, I highly, highly, highly, suggest that you get in-house caregiving for her. If she is truly mid-late stage, she cannot follow directions consistently, nor can she be expected to make those rational decisions that you and I take for granted. Just based on the description of your post, I do not think she is in mid-late stage, however, more like early to mid. Get her professionally diagnosed, look for a geriatric doctor. The official diagnosis might be a shock to you.

For you, I suggest that you try to find for yourself, a therapist who deals in caregiving of elders. It is worth your time and money to get the right therapist, who can guide you through the methods and pitfalls of dealing with your mother. There might even be a non-profit in your area that can provide therapy for free or group therapy. Memory Loss shows up differently in different people and you need someone to help you personalize your interactions with your Mom with minimal emotional upheaval for both you and your Mom.

Don't wait for a life-changing event that you have to react to. Take control and start scripting your future and your Mom's future.

In my case, it was my husband (Lewy Body Dementia). One day his doctor suggested he take a "respite," to get away and do something a little different. He liked the idea, and after some research and visitations - with him - we chose a very nice Memory Care facility where one can stay for a week, two weeks, a month every so often, whatever was the best fit.
We had NO idea how this would work. The night after our tour, he was sitting on the bed at home and I was helping him with his pajamas. He looked at me and said, "I want you to know something...I'm going to go live in a very nice place."
It was an odd comment, and I reassured him that it was just a short "vacation" for him, but he seemed to know something that even I was not aware of.
After his first week, before we went to pick him up, the staff called to say that he was upset, crying, and did not want to come home yet. So he stayed another week, at the end of which this behavior repeated (wanted to stay), and then again...
He was there for nine months, until he passed away this past November.
I visited every day, except those days when i knew that his mother or sister would be visiting.
I realize that this may not work for everyone, and we certainly did not expect this from him. But there were some residents there who stayed a month, went home for a few months, came back again for a month, giving their caregivers a much needed break. I think that's what we were planning, but it seemed like somewhere deep inside his clouded cognitive function, he knew that this was a safe place, and he was ready to be protected and cared for by a loving staff.

People have posted that there are facilities offering 1-2 wk accommodations so caregivers can take a vacation/time out. May be a way to test the waters or transition.

I went through the same thing with my mother. I had POA for my mom and a letter from her physician stating that she can no longer manage her own affairs. This made things legally easier.

I visited a few facilities and found one I liked. Once I found one I consulted with the lead nurse. She advised me to pack up a few things for her and drop them off ahead of time. Then the next day, my brother told her he was taking her to a doctor's appointment. The facility is in a rural setting so she started to wonder where he was taking her but he pushed on. Once they arrived at the facility (I was already there) the nurses chit chatted with her for a few minutes and loosened her up. When she felt comfortable they took inside and that was it. I called to check on her and they advised me to give her a few days to calm down. Since then she's been settled in. She doesn't even ask about going home anymore.

It was one of the most emotionally draining days of my entire life. The anxiety I had leading up to that day made me physically ill.
However now she's there, she's safe and she's taken care of. And as her disease has progressed, I know we did the right thing.

My best friend moved her mother when mom got dementia and started wandering. She told Mom that the house needed to be tented for vermin and moved her to an MC board and care. The house was rented out while Mom was still living, and the rent paid for the board and care.

I feel your pain, my Mom was against it, I toured a few places by myself, brought her to two of them, she was fine looking around until we left, then she would get angry. My sister stood with her for over a year but then I had to hear the constant complaints from my Sister. I still had to make dr’s appts, take her for the appt, do the laundry, get the medicines, do the groceries, pay the bills, stay with Mom while my Sister went to do her things, it was a nightmare. One day my sister had enough of the fights with my Mom and left, that’s when I decided enough was enough and made arrangements. I told Mom the Dr wanted her to go to therapy for her legs, she was ok with that. Two weeks ago I brought her to the place, I visit everyday, one of my Brothers goes three times a week, the others not so much (seven kids). Anyway, the first few days she was ok but then started asking what she is doing there, that she wants to go home etc, etc. I try to change the subject or tell her she still needs more therapy. It’s been hard because I feel guilty, can’t sleep, have many headaches, body aches and depression but I know it’s for her own good. I just pray that she adjusts and for God to help me take it one day at a time. Best of luck.

People like this will never willingly cooperate or go into a home. Short of physically restraining her and taking her wit the help of others, while she is sedated, you need to trick her. Take her to the "doctor" whose office has moved (facility address) and so get her into the building and they can go from there. I had this happen with someone and it was horrible. I got her to the hospital and it was nearly impossible to get her into the door but once I did, they took over. She is/was mentally gone and is still in a nursing home about 15 years later. You HAVE TO BE STRONG AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES - THEY ARE G O N E so now you make the decisions.

My mom was unwilling to move as well. At one of her doctor appointments the doctor told her yet again she needed to move. I was in from out of state. She agreed to go look at assisted-living place, and she agreed. I put the money down on it that day. I would’ve liked to looked around, would’ve been beneficial, I didn’t dare take the chance she would change her mind. Find one you like, take the necessary steps to make the move. Shop ahead for some clothing And necessities, and take her if you think you can’t get her to leave willingly…sounds harsh, but If you can’t get her to move this is probably going to be your alternative, to, when she falls or hurts herself, And lands in the ER and then into rehab.

I wish you well

I have had considerable success moving clients into memory care.
My recommendations: First and probably most important: Stop talking about moving or trying to convince mom. Research without including her. You want to find two or three facilities that meet your criteria (staffing and special dementia training, etc) - After the "glamour tour" with the marketing person, get permission to visit by yourself. Spend an hour or more in memory care simply observing (fly-on-the-wall) and imagining yourself in Mom's shoes - Once you've made your decision, rent her room/apartment and furnish it, so it’s ready for her move - later. Bring Mom there for lunch at "this new cafe you like" - Arrange with staff to have you and mom seated with a couple of their outgoing residents. - Come back the following week and the next, progressively . 

During these visits help Mom converse with your table mates. Unless she brings it up, retrain from talking about her move. - Be patient! - Gently steer the conversations to daily life, activities, and friendships. Extend your visits to participating in afternoon activities. 
When you sense that Mom has connected with the other residents and is starting to feel at home, ask her if she’d like to spend more time there. It’s a very slow “dance” to get to the point where the move feels that it’s her decision. 

Impossible? No. The average time to get to that point is two months. I’ve actually had clients beg me to stay. To reinforce this, I’ll usually tell them that “this is a very popular and sought after place to live, but I’ll check and lo and behold, she’s incredibly lucky that they have a vacancy. We’d better take it before someone else does.”

Good luck.

Unfortunately, we cannot reason with a dementia patient because the part of the brain is no longer functioning properly. It is likely she will never agree to go to memory care.

I didn't read all the replies in detail but don't see anywhere if you are her PoA, so guessing you're not. I don't know the rules in your state about getting someone with a diagnosis of impairment into a MC without a PoA or legal guardian without it being voluntary. If you are not her PoA or guardian you can't sign any of the facility paperwork on her behalf and neither can she with a dementia diagnosis.

I think my next move would be to consult with an elder law attorney for your state to see what her options may be before calling the county. I think it will be money well spent. Guardianship is your only option that I can see (if you want to take on this responsibility). It can be an expensive legal process.

If guardianship by you is not an option then In the end you will need to involve social services for her county and they will move for guardianship. You will lose all decision-making and management control of her medical and financial. I'm not even sure it's worth your time or effort now to look for a facility because you may not be the one making that decision for her. Again, I would consult with an elder law attorney who is familiar with guardianship and working with social services.

You will have to make a hard decision. If you have the paperwork for a POA and notes from her Dr. that she has and is being treated for her late stage dementia, then you will just have to do what is best. My mother would not even allow Home Instead to come into the home to check on her, take her shopping etc. She now lives with me and I am looking to find a place for her. You will find the memory care facilities very expensive and make sure to check if they are all inclusive, or you will be paying for every little thing. Your mom should not be on the internet. If she has the later stage dementia, just turn it off and she will forget about it. Had to do that with mom after she was agreeing to purchase items that she had no idea about. To preserve your sanity, you will need to make some hard decisions. Hang in there and know quite a lot of us are in the same boat.

Do you have POA for her? Is there a paper the doctor has signed which shows her to be deemed incompetent ( a COI, Certificate of Incompetency) ? If you have those, you should be able to get her into Memory Care ALF.

I could have written this same letter except it was my MIL and my husband was the only child. We had to “trick “ my MIL. We set up the transfer, hired movers for some furniture, and between my husband and I, we took her to the Assisted Living and then said that this is where she would be living. She was upset but within a few days she LOVED it.
If you are waiting for your Mom to agree to the move, you will always be waiting and your Mom could be injured or worse. Get things lined up and moved her ASAP!

I don't know if this would help you, but when my dad needed to move into memory care, we told him that we had to go and take care of another relative who was very ill and lived in a different town. We told him his stay at the facility was temporary and he had to do this for us because we could not help him for two weeks. We made it sound like a hotel with services. He really didn't want to, but he did it. Getting them in the door is the biggest hurdle. It sounds like you have a plan to do that. I knew I'd have guilt doing that, but when I weighed that against the guilt I would have suffered if something terrible happened to him that could have been avoided if I'd acted sooner, it made it an easier decision. You are not doing this for you, you are doing this out of love for your mom.

It's also a very good point that it's better to do things now while you have a choice of where she can go rather than being forced into a situation where her choices are more limited on placement because of things that may have happened (falls, injuries, etc). That happened with my father in law. We waited too long and then he was in the hospital and we were forced to find a place in 2 days. The places he could have gone to earlier had no vacancies and we were left with a choice that wasn't as great but we had to act on last minute notice. That was a terrible experience.

You are doing the right thing for your mom. You really are.

I am confused if two doctors and you say she needs placement, and you her family member agree, what is the problem? She may not be agreeable. She may not be too bad; she may be very difficult. But she will be in a place that knows how to handle the situation. Will they send someone to evaluate her and help you plan? IF she is too rambunctious about it, call 911 and ask them to take her to the hospital. Then on with the plan. Tell the situation to the hospital, refused to take her home, and give them the name of the facility which should be waiting for her. She is not cognitively able to picture what the change will be like and digest the possibilities. But if the place is nice, and used to helping such patients, it may go reasonably well. in any case, they have much more experience handling the situation than you do. Asking a seriously demented patient to agree is a bit like asking a two year old to agree to being hospitalized and describing her appendectomy. Pick a place with your consultant, make a plan, and do it. Go away for the weekend afterwards. Then, there are companies that will do all the preparation for cleaning, getting rid of stuff, and selling the house. See if there is one near you and get on with getting recovered yourself.

One thing is certain...she will eventually harm herself, even fatally. Not letting her move in is not mean. You are equipped to give the constant care she will increasingly need. Will she qualify for AL as far as taking care of herself for simple tasks. Taking her own showers, personal hygiene. Seems to be mobile. Any chance she has some old friends already in AL? Take her for visits. The only thing my sister in memory care doesn't have is a cook stove. Otherwise, its an apartment like so many live in outside AL.

Her neurologist can test her for mental competency. If she does not "pass the test," the neurologist can tell her it is time to for another living arrangement. You might pre-empt this discussion by having a private discussion with the doctor before the visit about all the things you have written here. Most seniors tend to value the recommendations of their doctors.

If she has mid-late stage dementia, hopefully you are the POA agent and can make this decision for her. Of course she doesn't want to move. No elder, esp with dementia, wants to move.
* Don't tell her she is moving. Say she is visiting a good friend or someone she knows.
* If she has dementia, she won't know the difference.
* No elder with mid-late stage dementia should be living alone.
* You must take action asap.
* Call an attorney if you do not know how to proceed.

Gena / Touch Matters

reasoa...what you have planned to bring her to lunch there and then to excuse yourself to go to the washroom is a great plan.
If yo have actually chosen a place try to get some of her personal items there in advance so that she will have familiar clothing. If there are photos, some furniture it would be nice if someone could bring those in while you are having lunch so they will be in her room. I am sure the staff will be happy to help out with this.
It does not sound harsh.
I am sure she went through the same thing when she dropped you off at school for the very first time.

She should not be living alone.
If she were to leave the house to get mail...she may never return.
If there were a fire would she know to call 911? Would she know to leave the house?
For her own safety the options would be
You move in with her....not a great plan.
She moves in with you...again not a great plan.
She pays for caregivers to care for her 24/7....a good plan but expensive and can be problematic. But if she has the financial means that might be a good option.
She moves to Memory Care.

YOU can make the decision. You are in charge of her welfare. (I do hope you have POA)
You select a few places and take a tour then take mom with to do a tour of the one you selected or 2 that you selected. She has no say in the matter.
Yes she will not like it, probably say she hates you. But she will get over it.
She will be confused, she will decline.

Someone eventually called APS on my dad and I was forced to get guardianship. Even at that, he would not move. I was not comfortable taking him kicking and screaming from his house. It was not until a hospitalization over a year later that I was finally able to move him after telling the hospital he could not return home and he was placed in AL.

Friends were roughly were you are. Kitchen fires, so stove disconnected, the odd wander, so evening checkup calls, pills prepacked, meals delivered, but then calls to talk through microwave reheating.

Await the crises everyone said 😬 all you can do.

The day she called & couldn't find the fridge they admitted to ER with 'confusion for investigation - ?stroke'. Wasn't even a stretch to add dehydration to that. From ER, respite care, then neuro exam, all the legal stuff, then permanent placement. The elder had no insight, no reasoning, certainly no willingness to move. Sad but necessary.

It really is a hard situation.

But that Neuro in Feb is not far off. As Countrymouse suggested, can you hire a home aide to oversee the meds? Stay for lunch too? Least she's have her meds & one decent meal. Then a welfare call from you in evenings?
More eyes & ears until you get the Neuro dx. Hopefully you have a springing POA?

Then as to actual moving day. Drive there at pre-agreed time for staff to take over. (Bit like first day of school drop off).

Keep us updated if it helps.