For background: I'm an only child dealing with a 77 y.o. mother who has mid-late stage diagnosed dementia. I've had to turn her into the DMV, so she no longer drives. I've been bringing her groceries weekly as well as filling her weekly pillboxes. She's fully dependent on me to call her daily to remind her to take meds and eat. I walk her through how to make simple food in the microwave. I had to take her modem and unplug her stove on Christmas eve (she's burnt SO many pans). When we arrived she told me that she was on the computer talking to someone who passed away years ago. She has yet to mention either of these changes, ironically.
Utimately though, my question is HOW can I move her into a memory care facility? I have a care coordinator helping me locate a good location for her (safe, good staff to patient ratios, etc) and I'm in the process of selecting and touring facilites. But she is fully unwilling to move. I've tried reasoning with her and explaining that I feel I can't even go away for the weekend in case something happens to her (she's locked herself out MANY times), walked to McDonald's in the dark, etc. She has no concept of any of the things that I do for her and I'm reaching maximum caregiver burnout.
She has a follow up appointment with neurology in February. Is there any way that they can help force her to move? I know if she ends up in the ER they often will not release a patient with dementia back to live alone at home. But do I need to wait for her to hurt herself in order for this to happen? She has the financial means to move, she just doesn't want to. And there is NO way I would have her move in with me. I know that may sound mean, but I need to have my own life that is not inclusive of being a full time caregiver. Any advice is welcome as she really shouldn't be living alone, but short of tricking her in some way, I can't think of a way to get her out of her house.
Tell her you are going out to lunch....... have it pre-set with the facility that you can have lunch with her in the locked unit.
Then you can start conversation with other people while eating and then tell her you have to go to the bathroom and just get up and slip out.........
I know this sounds deceptive but I have worked in facilities for many years and sometimes you have to trick them in order to get them in there...... then you can go get some of her things, or have them all placed there before she gets there whatever is easier.
You are doing the best thing for her to keep her safe, so do not feel guilty.... you can visit and in time she will adjust.
Maybe make a board with family pictures on it for her to have in her room, and some of her favorite things like a rocker recliner, magazines, some of her personal things so she feels connected.
I hope this little bit helps to maybe get her into the facility.....
Once in there she will have activities to keep her busy, there is always an Activity Director and they work on arts and crafts, entertainers come in, singing, word games to keep their minds sharper, and a whole lot of things.
You can always call the administrator or caregivers during the day to check up on her in between visits to assure yourself that she is doing ok.
God Bless.
”We’re just going to have lunch to visit,”
I had already moved clothes without her seeing.
I know it sounds awful but she literally thinks she: gardens, drives and cooks her food.
She was on oxygen in a wheelchair!
She finally needed (2) staff and her long term care wouldn’t pay for (2),
I had to do it and her attorney knew and backed me.
He ended up forcing her to sign a letter saying she’d stop fighting it.
I lost every family member for making sure she’s safe and cared for.
The probate judge came and said it was “a palace.”
It’s a thankless job.