Sister lives 10 quick minutes away and doesn’t come to pickup mom or give me scheduled time off. She calls mom for 10 seconds a day. No real conversations. I’m sick of my sister but my mom has asked her to come see her and she still doesn’t come. Any suggestions?
What are your mother's finances like? Can she afford a facility? Can she qualify for Medicaid? Are you her POA/HCPOA?
What type of tasks do you have to for her, and how much time does it take?
You took on being Mom's caregiver.
The kinda blunt truth of it is you have chosen to do this.
Chosen because... It felt right..? Based on your moral compass (my guess - as many other big-hearted folk do).
This of course does not mean you have to do it all, with no help from anyone.
These things make sense to me;
1. Each family member will choose how much they can help.
That is up to them.
2. Time arrises when care needs exceeds what family can do (aka informal supports)
3. Non-family help can be explored: homes services, sitters, personal care aides etc (aka formal suppoets).
It takes a village. This is said relating to raising a child, but I think it applies for elder care too.
If your sister isn't up to the task, look elsewhere. Start the search & collect your 'village' helpers.
You made your choice to move mom in your home and care for her(why I don't know)and your sister has made her choice to not help and live and enjoy her life.
It sounds like you perhaps have regretted your decision to move mom in and are now jealous because your sister is living and enjoying her life while you're strapped down to care for your mom.
The good news here is that neither one of you have to care for your mom. You can start looking into assisted living facilities where mom will get the help she needs and be around people her own age and have fun, and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver.
And as always if money is an issue, mom can apply for Medicaid.
It's time for you and hubby to get your lives back so you can start enjoying the only life you have and will ever have.
As for sis calling to talk with mom, sometimes there’s not much to say to a dementia patient. They don’t won’t or can’t converse like normal people. Sis may not wish to carry on a convo that seems like a waste of time. Sad, but that’s how it is.
I hope you find help somewhere soon. If it’s possible to place mom in a facility, that would be a whole lot better for you and be much more interesting for her than sitting around your house.
When, oh, when will martyrs STOP already with the whining about a sibling who doesn’t want to get trapped, strapped, and hog-tied to fooling with a senile parent? You wanna ruin your own life, trash your remaining years on this planet? Fine, have a party, and apply for sainthood…but respect, please, the sibling who chooses to say, “count me out.”
Not one damn thing you can, nor should, “do” about it.
With that said, you're right that you can't make someone help you, however... it certainly doesn't mean the caretaker child should not be able to expect just a tad bit of assistance from time to time. The sib that can do that didn't just toss the old senile mom to the curb, they tossed their caretaker sibling as well. I mean, who can watch their own sibling struggle to care for a mutual parent and not lend a hand here and there. As a caretaker, it is certainly frustrating but far more than that, you find out exactly who your sibling really is. A little help here and there is not exactly trapped, strapped and hog-tied. And those who refuse to help the sib who is helping the mom???? They rightfully dip a little on the respect scale.
As others have said, caretaker won't ever really resolve the conflict from the sibs that refuse to help, you just learn to deal with it. Mom will always want to see all her kids, so you don't want to mess that up for her. No point in discussing with mom. Trust me, she already knows those other kids were never going to take her in or be there in the role of caregiver. She landed in the right place.
PS. Sometimes help comes from unlikely places. My brother’s ex wife of 15+ years has stepped up to help. SHE remembers everything my mom did for her kids.
If she sold a house to move in with you or you moved to her house - that might be a problem with sis. Some siblings think you reaped the benefit so you deserve what you got. Not sure what your situation was, but if mom has money put up --- use it for help.
If your Sister was just like you, willing to home Mother & be her caretaker... there'd be a fight over Mother.
Mom shuffling with her case between your homes. Each wanting every single detail from the medical appointment the other attended.
The competition! The differences on care decisions!
I think Mom has an UTI, is looking jaundiced, has puffy feet, had a TIA - well I don't! We should get a new cardiologist & proceed with that heart surgery - we should let nature take it's course & avoid invasive surgery at all cost.
Everyone feeling sick now 😬😪
Maybe if it is any constellation, being the *lead* & your Sister kinda following/absent is OK...??
This scenario of yours is about as rare as getting struck by lightening and winning the lottery on the same day.
It just doesn't happen in families. Sure, you might get the concerned siblings who demand daily reports or even hourly updates on a parent but they always quiet down if the risk of them being pressed into service becomes real.
Most siblings back off if one has already jumped in the volcano and sacrficed themselves to being the caregiver.
I find that this suits the other sibs just fine so long as any potential inheritance from mom and dad is preserved by their sacrifice.
You can’t make a person who is indifferent “nice”.
If you are content and comfortable doing what you are doing now, continue.
If you are not, hire help, using whatever financial resources your mother has, OR
examine available residential placements in your area and after placing Mama, visit frequently.
My recently deceased LO chose 2 very local relatives as her POAs.
One visited several times/week, provided for whatever her residence said was needed for her care and comfort, managed physicians, therapies, banking, SS.
One left town 2 months after her placement, wrote a monthly check for her room and board, and “visited” 2or 3 times a year, while periodically sending texts complaining about her care, without actually knowing anything about her care or condition.
This happens all the time. You will need to find ways to deal with it, or change it.
There's no way to do that, OP.
I wouldn't make up white lies about your sister not coming to visit, either. If your mother keeps asking for your sister to come visit, I'd tell her to ask your sister herself during one of the daily phone calls.
Have you done that?
But what you can do is help yourself by hiring caregivers and using your mother’s assets to pay for it. I know some people whose siblings finally stepped up when they realized their inheritance would be used up if they didn’t pitch in.
I have a sister who decided to back off. She decided to stop helping when my mother threw her walker at her. She was done. It does not help my situation but I can understand. To her credit she still does come to visit.
Make sure you have paid caregivers so that you have a life and leave your sister alone.
When it became clear that I couldn’t handle what was happening with my brain by myself, my son & daughter-in-law encouraged me to move 1000miles to their state where they could help me. It’s been 18 months & increasingly they’ve pulled back from helping me, even to the point of claiming my numerous doctors & neurologists have gotten every scan, assessment, testing session etc wrong, including the 2nd opinions who concurred with the original diagnosis.
All of that is to say, I have finally accepted that I can’t MAKE them want to help me through this time. I do get that it is overwhelming & different people handle it in different ways- some by completely avoiding it, some by doing all they can & some by being somewhere in between.
As a result, I am finding every resource available (including someone to help me find & apply for resources) so that I don’t burden them & so their last years with me hopefully aren’t full of resentment.
My son keeps asking why “this” (my diagnosis) happened to him & stating how unfair it is. While I REALLY want him to be in a different mindset, I can’t do anything about that. AND, I don’t think I can fully understand why it’s sooo difficult for him. Maybe because I was ALWAYS such a rock of strength & a caregiver for others- it may be hard for him to accept & see me like this…. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the answer of why it’s hard for them.
So, maybe there are resources to give you & your family a break. There are even people who will volunteer their time to come & be with someone who has Alzheimer’s for a while & maybe they can do that while you do what you need to for a little while.
I wish you the best
I wish you all the best and thank you for your post.
I hope you have Power of Attorney for your mom and not your sister.
Situations like Pangie's are not as black and white as you say.
It's not about being selfish and uncaring. People often work very hard for the lives they have. Them not being willing to have those lives blown up by taking on the care of needy family members does not make them selfish or uncaring.
The sister may be willing to help in other ways like financially. Or by taking on the process of finding homecare. Or by researching care facilities and getting the mother placed.
There are other ways to help. The most sought after help any caregiver wants is time and often this is the one help that others don't want to give.
You can't change your sister. What you want from her comes from her heart and you can't put it there.
My brother (deceased) was the same way. He lived about 1.5 miles away from me. He was only working about 10 hours a week and yet could only manage a phone call.
Age old problem.
She doesn't want to and that is fine. Guilting or coercing her into it will make things even worse. Dropping your mother off at her house will do no good at all for any of you.
You and your sister need to have a serious talk. Tell her plainly that covering all of your mother's care needs is too much for you without help. The choice is either start helping out with the care, start contributing financially to pay for care (if you want to preserve any potential assets), or help find a care facility to place your mother in.
You made a mistake when taking your mother in to assume that your sister or anyone else would step up and help out with it.
It doesn't work like that.
So change your thought process on that.
Does mom have any funds at all?
If so use HER funds to pay for a caregiver that can come in and help you.
Maybe begin "charging" her for her portion of household expenses might help you as well. These expenses can be documented as part of her care. And you can pay yourself as a caregiver, again this is an expense for her care.
If your sister had a good relationship with your Mom prior to all of this happening, then there might be a reason why she doesn't want to see Mom. It could be that she doesn't know how to talk to her, she doesn't have the patience with her or any number of reasonable reasons.
However, if your sister had a not so good relationship with your Mom, then there isn't a way to get your sister to contribute.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, you can talk to her about it. However, I doubt she will change.
You do have options, however.
1. If your Mom has the funds, hire a caregiver to help you out.
2. If your Mom doesn't have the funds, look into your state programs to see how they might help with the medical portion of your Mom's care.
3. Look into daytime programs for your Mom so that you get some relief.
4. Look into getting your mother into a Memory Care unit now.
Tough times ahead....