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I think taking showers is getting too hard for my Mom. The assisted living facility she lives at will help her (I have offered as well) but she keeps fighting me, and them, on it. Yet, she is spacing them out to the point that she only takes once or twice a week. I'm concerned - especially since she has frequent UTI's. Has anyone got advice on what I can do about this?

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My mother fights me when it was time to shower also, telling me, I'm not the boss, I stink, hitting me with her cane, etc.... until I purchased a slip free pad, (its thick and cushioney), and a strong comfy seat she can sit on, in there, and a hand held shower head, and she loves it. No more shower problems. I back away, and tell her, just call me when you need me,,,, (I pretend I am brusing my teeth, right near her, and pretend I am busy, so she thinks she is on her own) I keep glancing, without her seeing me look over there. It works great!!
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I'm wondering if full showers are necessary? Perhaps she is struggling with insecurity, safety in the shower, feeling like she has lost some control. Is it possible that a simple wash up at the sink would be good? Many times the people I care for are so much more at ease when I do all of the "prep" before I even mention that it's time for her to wash up.

I make sure she has a nice sturdy chair near the sink, a warm bathroom in which to wash up, a nice fluffy wash cloth and towel. I make sure the soap she's using is pleasing in smell to her (or no smell, depending on her preference). I make sure the water is warm. I de-clutter the counter top and make sure she has room for all that she needs. Make sure her favorite lotion is nearby.

Then I might suggest you say something like, "Mom, I got some of your favorite lotion for you today. It's been so cold (or dry) lately that I thought we might both like a hand massage today/tonight. Maybe after you wash up today/tonight we could put on some of that lotion, what do you think? Where should we put this bottle of lotion, Mom?" (Take her into the bathroom so she can show you where to put it. Once in there, say, "Mom, I got out a nice washcloth for you. This would be a good time to go ahead and wash up. Can you go ahead and get started with this or would you like me to help you?"

If she fights it, resist the urge to fight back. Just say, "Ok Mom, we'll do this whenever you're ready." Then go find something else to do with her, or take her to the kitchenette for something to drink, etc. After a couple of tries, she'll be ok with it. Just try hard not to make it a fight.

Sometimes I have to remember that generations older than me didn't always shower every day. That might be what she's remembering.

I know you're worried about the tendency for UTIs. Ask your mother's physician if an increase in liquids would help? Would a cranberry supplement help? Are there other options? It's great that you care so much about her!
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My mom did the same, fighting the clean! I had to tell her that she smelled bad. Just is. One of my problems is that I don't do stink. I will literally throw up.
Mom was enraged that I would dare to tell her that she stank but if I was going to get through this we had to address this issue and fast.

I gave her a spritz with Febreeze to be able to get near her and I only had to do that once.

We have worked through our issues and now she gets a shower every other day unless something happens to break that pattern (accident, real hot out).
Every morning she gets a sink wash and clean clothes for the day and she is much happier now because I tell her that a 'sweet smelling mama is always welcome everywhere'.

I know that it is considered 'rude' to tell someone when they smell bad but in my book it is way more rude to have to put up with stench and breath and yuk. The bathing issue was not open for discussion, period. It was tough love all the way but I refused to live with a stinky mama.

Mom 'acted out' when I first started bathing her, acting like I was killing her, and that went on for a few months but I kept the humor going, talking about the different parts as I was scrubbing them. there's the face, the chicken titties, the 'area', the drumsticks, etc.
Here's something that can really work: get one of those handheld shower massage heads. When mom realized that her sore spots got some first class attention, (she has scoliosis) and that she had some pain relief she was really into it.
I also put beautiful grab bars and a nice shower chair in the tub so she feels secure. The fear of falling can keep someone out of the tub for good reason and then you do the cat's bath in the sink.

oh..and my mom used to get uti's all the time but since I've been scrubbing her, not once! With the dementia sometimes they wipe the wrong way and really cause themselves problems. Her 'area' is clean and shiny!! This is also a way to stay on top of things like bedsores, etc. Old people get infections on their skin because nobody ever saw the bedsore get started in the first place because mom or dad won't let anyone touch them.

this is so totally wierd, but what are we supposed to do?

Good luck. Aside from dropping her off at a do it yourself car wash with a roll of quarters.....


Be good to yourself,
Bobbie
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Thank you to all that responded to my question. Those were excellent suggestions! When I was sick with a fever the other day and couldn't go over there, things kind of came to head with this issue. She had diarrhea issues and the Nurse's Aide came down and gave her a shower. Luckily, this was her favorite one and my Mom didn't fight her on it. I have just added showering twice a week and getting help with her daily dressing on to her care plan. I have asked the facility she's at to have this same person do it the first little bit so my Mom can get comfortable with it. All as I can do now is pray that it all goes smoothly and know that if it doesn't, I have your comments to fall back on!
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Bobbi, where is your Mom? Is she with you? Yeah, that showering problem is really rough. Even though I got all the extras, she still doesnt even know when she needs to bathe. Its a little easier, now, but she still makes reference to me being a peeping tom, in there with her. She says awful things, that will follow my heart long after shes gone, even though I tried so hard to take care of her, and protect her. The things she says are piercing..... it is really abusive,,,, and the rest of the family, doesnt contribute at all with their time, and yet she hails them as wonderful.
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The book the 36 HOUR DAY is great for all family members to read. it also has a part about planing thing out and what is needed. I read it so many times. it helped me get through mom illness. I still have it close by to read and always advicsed any one who is caregiver to pay it. It also comes in large print and in spanish. The dementia patient does not feel safe at all especially when they may have to go into a hospital. The fear of not knowing what is going on over comes them. It is up to the nursing home to bath him, but you can help or be there. They do not like the idea of the bathing part. It has gone from there sense of mind. It is hard and sad at times. You are doing your best. patrica61
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Dear JoAnneSS, My dear mom just passed away, I buried her on Oct 5, 2009 her little body could not take any more of the illness she died with love and diginty. She is at peace. I go to web site to try and help others. I have not even been able to cry much yet. She was so sick with the ALzheimer/Dementia. She had it for years. Yes mom was up north when I first knew something was wrong, but the doctors said she had only the begining. But i knew it was worse. I had to move her down to Florida. We did before the move set up our own house as child proof. Set up her own bedroom, new bath with safety things and also a room for a nurse if needed. Not knowing how bad she was. we also did look at ten different assisting living places, there was one I kept going back to 5 times. they even had mom over for a meal one day when she came to Flroida. That was for day care or case I could not do it myself. Well only four days and a emergency call had to made to the Fl Tampa rescue unit. I was hit and yelled at by mom and she would not take her medicine and my husband was at work. I called 911 20 fireman where there in minutes. My uncle is a retired firechief in New York and explained what to do in case someting went wrong and I needed help . My husband came home and the fire dept took moms vitals and did hold her down so I could give her medicine and shots to her. It took four men to hleod her. They advised me that my mom was too ill from all the different types of wedicines alone to do it on my own. That Wed we took mom to the assisting living of which I liked. There she was treated with respect, was always clean, always looked nice in her clothers no odor to her or at the place. It was a family type place. She died in my arms Monday Oct 5, 2009 and was sent up to New York and buried with my dad in A VA cementary. I just got back. It is a hard road and I was there for her. However I could feel all her wishes I had to place her in a assisting living where she would be well taken care of and safe.She at peace. beleive me my mom knew me until the very end, and I felt bad about what I had to do. I was there 24/7 if I could. I also did sleep over, came in the day ate dinner with her , then watch Tv with all the residents and was there when she woke up for breakfast. I still go back and visit the other residents of whom I made friends with. it is nice to see a smile on their faces and call me by name. You are not alone. The fighting and yelling will not stop it is not directed to you. You can do only so much. It is in the book. Bless you patrica61
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I think my reply left too soon, my cat stepped on the key board. I was saying , I am sorry for your loss, it is only a short while.... you must miss her, I know, even with the abuse here, and all that goes with the sickness, I still am thankful she is alive, and still can walk, (with a cane), and somedays, she is nice. Although, she certainly is not the woman I knew and loved so dearly. Her actions certainly alter my ability to hold, and hug and kiss her, I try. Somtimes I can. She switches from one minute to the next, and after calling me horrible names, (names I never would believe a mother would call a devoted daughter), then she wants to hug me, and tell me she loves me,,,, and I'm so guilty for this, but it makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes, I need to turn away, when she wants to kiss me, because it actually makes me feel like I am going to puke. It is a tough battle, of course, you know. I am so sorry your little Mommy is gone,,,, but remember, she is healed, not suffering, and walking streets of gold in heaven. I'll try to remember that myself. I have no brothers, sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents, so my Mother has been my everything,,,,, all of those wrapped into one,,,,,, all my young life, until I had my own children. Even then, she was my constant companion,,,,,, and I mean constant,,, so this turn around for her is just totally shocking for me to cope with. I do feel trapped, and depressed. Even if I want to go see one of my sons, she wants to go, so it is double the work to get ready, so I dont go. My out of town son, says come and stay with us for a few days,,,,,, he doesnt have a clue, how physically demanding on me that is,,, to get her ready, packed, (all she needs), then myself, then, deal with her outrages, out of town for a few days,,,,, its just the whole scenerio,,,,, it is wearing me down. If you can, enjoy Christmas....... atleast you have closure, and you know Mom is at rest with Dad. I just wish there was more being done medically for this illness, it is horrible for the person that has it. I can see her fear, and her inner suffering. We both suffer. JoAnne
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I had the same problem with my mom. What I found is getting in the shower was the problem for her - it was confining and difficult for her to deal with. Now I put absorbent towels/ blankets on floor by shower. I give her a washcloth with soap on it and she soaps herself down. I use the hand held shower and rinse her off. The blankets/ towels absorb the water and I just throw them in the washer when done. As to hair - I take her weekly to a salon where they wash her hair for $5. Well worth it to save the difficulty with doing it myself.
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JoanneSS, my heart goes out to you. Really praying you can get some help. What a Christmas present that would be...
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