My mom is 70 with growing health concerns that are normal for her age...but she also has a 71-year-old man that has been living in the house rent free for about 4 years. My dad died 6 years ago, so I guess she was lonely and desperate for a living companion. The problem is that he needs constant round-the-clock care.

He has diabetes, has only one leg, is in a wheelchair, is very weak and frail, can't move himself, is an alcoholic and prescription pain pill addict, has PTSD, depression, and dementia, and a very short temper. He keeps loaded guns on hand because he's so paranoid. He refuses to wear pants or underwear even when our family (including children) come over to visit. I've walked in several times to find he's tried to cook something on the stove and forgot about it, so the house fills with smoke. He is endangering both of their lives daily.

He needs to be constantly cared for and wants my mom readily available to do it all: helping him in and out of bed, helping him in and out of his wheelchair, bathing, toileting, incontinence issues, bed changing, wound changing, feeding, taking him to his doctor appointments, moving him from his wheelchair to the car and then back from the car to his wheelchair, etc....

He also yells at and is verbally abusive toward her. He gets upset and repeatedly calls her to come home from family functions if she's gone longer than 2 or 3 hours.

The house is a mess and filthy dirty because my mom is too tired to do housework. There's unopened mail (probably with bills) everywhere. She has completely lost interest in doing anything because she's so tired, and she's neglecting her own heath. She is 70 and has her own health problems that we feel she is not addressing.

She thinks caring for him is her responsibility because she let him move in. Maybe he's made her believe this. She is increasingly easily influenced, and he takes advantage of that. She thinks he has no where else to go (even though he has Medicaid and Medicare), and is afraid of him because of his paranoid personality.

My mom's living situation is completely unacceptable. My sister's and I need to get this man out of her house so we can focus on helping her with her own health issues, appointments, housework, finances, etc. We're afraid this man is going to kill her with all of his demands and growing list of health concerns.

We don't know what to do. She needs to be rescued, but she won't throw him out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Your problem is not that guy. It's your mom. She's making bad decisions for herself. Unless she is losing her capacity to make decisions, there isn't a lot you can do for her except listen to her and point out that she doesn't have to do anything. She is making a choice.

Does he have any family you can contact to tell them he's in need of more care than your mom can provide?

It is heartbreaking to watch people you love make destructive decisions. Maybe a counselor could help you and your siblings set up good boundaries so that your mom knows you aren't going to help her continue on this path but the minute she wants to do something different, you will all support her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to anonymous594015

Being practically immobile probably explains the majority of his actions.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to shad250

I also have a problem with the "no pants" and children issue. Take a picture or two, and show them to DSS when they come. This is just weird...
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to pamzimmrrt

I reported him to DSS and told her she has to go along with it and not tell him anything about it. She agreed to let this happen, but pretty nervous about it. Thanks for all of your advice. It was extremely helpful in talking to her about it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to SarahAnn
Sendhelp Dec 31, 2018
Oh dear, SarahAnn....
Unfortunately, the child services may blame you as a negligent parent because you take them over there.
The man needs more care than your Mom can provide.
Stop going there.
See 1 more reply
Your mom is obviously frightened by him, she has been abused. Either mentally, emotionally, physically or psychologically or all the above. This is going to make it very hard to get her help. It sounds as though she has Stockholm syndrome, this causes people to protect their abusers because they believe that in doing so they are not going to be hurt again. It is so messed up, most of us can't even comprehend how it works.

So, you and your family will need to do a big time intervention, get mom out of the house, give him an eviction notice and follow through with that. While you are spending the 90 or so days dealing with that, get mom some intense therapy, when you are so brainwashed it is really hard to break the thought pattern, especially if she has any cognitive issues.

This will be the hardest battle you will ever fight but he is a real and present danger to your mom and any one that walks through the door.

Having the police come do a wellness check and tell them that he is nuts and armed may be enough to get him removed from the home. Maybe psych evaluation would be appropriate.

Remember that he is a danger for the rest of his life, she will need to be protected. Most murders happen because someone came back. Keep this in mind as you help mom.

My heart goes out to your family, she is still young enough to have a life, let's pray she is brave enough to pursue it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
SarahAnn Dec 31, 2018
Thanks you
This is in the difficult category of someone making a bad choice and having the right to make it no matter what other people think. It means that you are not likely to succeed by convincing your mother that it is in her best interests to get rid of him. It leaves you with a few other strategies to think about.

Can you suggest that it is in the man’s best interests to leave and go into alternative care? What can you say is wrong with your mother’s care, either now or in the foreseeable future? What advantages can you suggest for AL or NH? Can you get your mother to talk about what would make it impossible for her to care properly for him? Can you suggest that her health is breaking down and that will leave him with no-one to help him find a good alternative?

Another tack altogether could be to think about how a compulsory intervention could be prompted. The temper plus the loaded gun seems genuinely dangerous. Can you prompt a threat to yourself or your sister that leads to you call the police? Is there a big man who can tell him just what he thinks of his behaviour, which won’t go down well? Be careful with this, because the danger is obvious!

I hope that there are some other possible approaches, because this is a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
SarahAnn Dec 31, 2018
thank you
Great advice already given. Time to act, this situation is crazy and mom definitely needs rescuing even if it initially angers her. Please take action and get this abuser out of there
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930

Do this now. They need to get that gun out of the house. The police may be called to confiscate it. If so, and the man fights them, they may remove him if they think he is a danger to Mom. If this happens, do not allow him back. One thing Mom has going for her, he has never paid rent. I guess no utilities either.

Tell Mom if he ever hits her, to call the police and have him removed.

I hope Mom has given someone POA. If not I would do it soon.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29

Put your foot (feet); down with Mom and tell her you will be calling Adult Protective Services. Be sure to warn them he has dementia and has gun. If you are aware of any family this man has, notify them of your plans. None of you owe him a thing. He is a mentally ill, dangerous slob.

How can you possibly tolerate his exposing himself to your children? Allowing this to continue could put you on the radar of Child Protective Services if one of them makes a comment about it at school. Teachers are mandated to report things like this.

You are sacrificing your mother to this man and his mental and physical illnesses and there is no reason because he’s not even a relative.

Should he ever threaten any of you, call the police immediately. You do not need to tolerate him and it concerns me that you have for so long.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Ahmijoy
SarahAnn Dec 31, 2018
Thank you

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