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My 88-year-old father gets upset almost daily. He wants me to take him to see his wife (my mother). My mother is his main caretaker and they've been married 64 years. It makes her so sad that he thinks she's abandoned him, even though she's there 24/7. I want to help both of them. What can I do?

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Help him look for her. By that I mean quit trying to convince him that she’s sitting right there.
“Mary is at the store dad, she’ll be home soon, let’s match these socks”.
Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. Watch how she uses diversion. Meanwhile his wife is at work, at a PTA meeting, helping a neighbor, visiting her mother, whatever he will buy.
“Mary is spending the night with her sister, look she left your favorite pie for you”.

You can do this while you visit and maybe write some answers out for your mom to read to him when he’s agitated. The primary thing to remember is he won’t be convinced so just follow his lead.
I am very sorry for you and your mom. I know it’s hard. Watch your mom carefully as she is vulnerable with so much stress. Talk to her about respite for dad so she can get some rest.
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Doingmybest101 Apr 2020
Thank you, will definitely take your advice. :)
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If dad is mobile you can say..lets go look for her. And get up and walk from the living room to the kitchen, back to the living room and say...well look who's here.

I would go shopping with my Husband and he would begin to follow people thinking they were me. I often joked that I knew where he was in his brain by who he was following that day. A younger woman with long hair..me in my 20's-30's then slightly older, shorter hair and heavier...me in my 40's then grayer hair and shorter me in my 50's and if he started following gray haired old men I would know my hair was cut shorter than it should have been ;)

Kidding aside I would ask where are you going and he would say I'm looking for my wife and I would say..well I will walk with you until we find her...I would walk with him towards the exit and he would go up to the car ( I would open it with the remote) and he would leave his walker by the back door and get into the car...easy. When it became more difficult for him to get into the car I would help him then I would get in and he would look at me and smile...
It did cut some shopping trips short but that's the way some days went.
I look back and I miss those days....
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97yroldmom Apr 2020
Love this post Grandma
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Several posts have talked about their LO only remembering someone as they were years ago. “You can’t be my daughter, she’s just a little girl”. Perhaps you could print out an old photo face, print it face-size, and turn it into a mask for your mother (hat elastic around the back of the head, tied onto the mask). If he recognises her, it might make your mother less sad to understand that he is loving her in his memories.
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Weeroo Apr 2020
maybe print it out on cloth on your printer, there are ways to do that and it would be a lot more comfortable and realistic
https://so-sew-easy.com/how-to-print-on-fabric-at-home/
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While this is very sad, it's time for you and mom to come to terms with your dad's condition. He obviously can NOT understand this anymore. You're not going to make him better and make him understand anything. So, time for a deep breath and you and mom need to quickly adjust your expectations and accept the sad reality of dad's capabilities.

You gals know the reality and as long as he is safe and well cared for, which I'm sure he is, then you should feel proud and happy.

Others have suggested how to distract him, etc. He can't help and would never do something like this on purpose.
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sunshinelife Apr 2020
'coming to terms' with the fact that the man you have spent the great majority of your life loving doesn't, and possibly won't ever recognize you again isn't as easy as you would suggest
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It was hard for me to play along. But that is what you need to do. Dad is not really there anymore. His mind is scrambled.

When my Dad was nearing the end of his life he got confused. Dementia? He had lots of heart problems. My daughter, RN, would go over every night to get him ready for bed. One night he fought her. She said "PopPop its me R" shecwas about 28then. He said "Your not R, she is a little girl". The Thanksgiving he died, he called her over to his bed and motioned like he was handing her something. She took it even though nothing was there. He said "this is for you". We believe he handed her a dollar like he always gave her when she was little.

I agree, you need to change your expectations. He may not bevin the time you are. There came a time when my Mom never mentioned my Dad. Then out of the clear blue, she said "W would not have liked that" She thought me and my Youngest brother were making her think she was crazy. What happened to the two between us. Go with the flow. Never argue just agree.
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I have been through this with my dad who thought that my mom, his wife, was actually his mother. He thought his wife had left him. We just tried to redirect him. He got very angry and accused us of deceiving him if we we tried to convince him that mom was his wife.
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I am so sorry. My husband also did not know me. He had a tumor that involved his frontal temporal lobe of his brain causing CapGras syndrome
He would recognize my voice on the phone but in person insisted I was not his wife. It is the saddest thing ever!!!!!! Arguing will not help for a time there would be windows of time when he would recognize me but they were fleeting. He would even telephone family and friends to find out if I was with them
Good luck 🙏🏻
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Let your mom know that at some point he may recognize her as his wife again. It will be for a short amount of time, seconds or minutes but she is still in his memory.
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Great responses. Give your Mom that extra support she needs right now. Remind her that it is the disease - not her - look at the man she married - in his heart, his deep soul knows her - it is not him talking but the disease. Get out pictures of their life together to reassure her. Bless you and stay safe.
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sunshinelife Apr 2020
what a kind person :)
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It is sad. To just support your mom and dad in this situation is probably the best you can do. He won't understand and if you try to convince him it will only confuse him further. Try some tricks of taking him for a little walk around the house or yard to find her and then return and say "Oh, there she is". Or just say she'll be back soon. But those are only momentary fixes. Or ask him where he thinks she is to get an idea of what is in his mind. He might be returning to another time period and your mother in the present no longer looks the same to him. And whatever you do, he will most likely repeat the confusion again. Although he might return to the present sometimes. Only once did my mom not recognize me and that was three years ago. It's possible that this will pass and he'll know your mom again.

When we are returning home from drives, my mom thinks my dad is waiting for us and she gets so happy and silly-worried that he's trying to start dinner because we are late. "He truly doesn't know what he's doing in the kitchen", she'll giggle. I get afraid of her disappointment when she enters the assisted living, thinking she will find him in the kitchen trying to cook. But it is such an ordeal to get her out of the car and in the door, and then seeing others around in the kitchen, she usually forgets the idea of my dad being still alive. Until next time. And on and on it goes. You and your mom will eventually get used to it as you try to just accept this part of the surreal world of your dad's.
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About the best you can do is let him think she is at work, visiting someone in the family, picking up the kids, whatever works and then try to distract him. You won't be able to convince him that your mother is his wife. It will only lead to anger, confusion, arguments, so it's best not to go there.

My mother initially in MC would look at pics of her siblings and my dad, over and over. That was several years ago. She really doesn't look at those anymore. About 9 months after moving to MC, she asked if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home... Her mother has been gone 40+ years! During that same conversation, she asked about a key to the house they owned more than 25 years ago! She also later asked about her younger sister, and from the reference she made it was clear she was remembering that sister about 40+ years ago too! During one visit, my daughter wanted a pic of the 3 of us. A staff member took the pic. When I show this picture to mom, she wants to know who the 2 "girls" are in the pic, and then points at her own image and asks if that is Nana (her mother.) To her that isn't herself in the pic! I often wonder what she thinks when she sees herself in the mirror.

The issue is that they regress in time/memories. In their mind, it is 20, 30, 40 or more years ago, so obviously your mother isn't going to look like what he recalls his wife looking like! She might even be mistaken for his own mother or MIL. It is not easy and can be painful for those like your mom, but she shouldn't take it as any kind of insult or slight. It is what it is. She should rest assured that she and you are doing the best you can for him. Find ways to "fib" about where his wife is and then find ways to distract him - focus on things he likes to do, suggest a snack or cup of tea, a walk, ask him to tell you about the "good old days", whatever might change his focus to something more pleasant for him! Simple statements indicating she'll be back soon, no time frame, and distraction - usually once you can change their focus, they will forget for a bit. It will return, but you both just have to get adept at "fibs" and redirection!

Not sure if my mother will remember me once the lock down is over. One time during a visit she had some DumDum lollipops and I asked what they were for. She said "For my kids, if they ever show up." Perplexed, I pointed to myself, and she asked if my kids were there. So, clearly jumbled. She knew me, my name, my relationship, etc, yet referred to her "kids". We're not exactly "kids" anymore, even YB who is not yet 60!
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my2cents Apr 2020
You mentioned the mirror. A lady I knew kept calling the police to her house because she saw someone in there. One of the cops finally figured out she was seeing herself in a large mirror and no longer recognized her own image. He covered it up and the intruders stopped coming. Shortly after that she moved to a facility. If your brain is living in '40 years ago', that's how you remember people looking. It makes sense that they would not recognize the aging process they see in people around them. They are still looking for the little sister wearing braids.
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consider the side effects of the medications he is taking. You can look them up online. The medications for dementia increase confusion and anxiety. And in many cases create hallucinations. Yes, you got it, they make the health problems of dementia much worse. You might give him some Nettle tea and/or Moringa powder . My Grandfather has dementia and I notice he goes back to his happy reasonable self when i give him the Moringa and nettle. I give him 2 caps of the moringa before breakfast and lunch. And 3 cups of the Nettle tea with honey a day. As I built him up with healthier food and the above tea and caps, I slowly reduced the meds and he's off all 4 now. He is 85 in a few months
He does have stubborn days where he refuses to drink the tea..."because he doesn't like anyone telling him what to do"... And gets very anxious
However, he will go and get himself the Nettle tea out of the fridge and drink it cold with a ton of honey.
The key is to increase the nutrition and slowly reduce those medications little by little.
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Supportive responses here.

The keys word are "get my father to understand," when he cannot understand. What you can do is become aware to develop, and try out, coping strategies to calming and redirecting. I don't know if it would be of any support to your mom to watch THE NOTEBOOK. It might be too much for her. Give your mom a hug. I'd tell her 'deep down inside,' he knows and loves you. Build her up with emotional support while always acknowledging her feelings vs denying them. She needs validation and support where she is. Sometimes, just holding her hand (w/Covid now-?) and being with her grief and not talking may be more powerful than talking.
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He is remembering the younger woman his wife was. Maybe put together a photo album of their years together may help. Start with photos of them together when they dated and go through major life events up to "today". Then, he can see the "girl" he loved all those years ago is the woman who is by his side today.
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. There is no answer-- redirect and smile. That's all you can do. Be there for him. Enjoy him while you can. Soon he'll be gone. Enjoy him while you have him. Put your emotions aside and when he is gone you can cry and remember him as he was and not as he is. Be at peace in your soul for him and your mother. Pray she is cognizant until the day she leaves this earth to be reunited with him in Heaven.
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Redirect. That is the go-to answer. It is the only answer too. Change subject or ignore him. That cannot be controlled. My mother was accusing my Dad of having affairs and he was 84 years old and sat in the recliner 4 feet from her. She was bedridden at home at that time. Dad was so agitated and upset that she was accusing him of it. She would cry and everything. Upset the whole family. She would say “ I saw you yesterday”! Well, he was there with her and he was recovering from back surgery at his age! We had to learn to REDIRECT. Only answer. Ask her a question about anything. I feel for you and family.
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Redirect. There is no "magical" answer for one whose brain is broken. They don't have the mental capacity to understand.
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Sit him down with his wife, & watch
the movie THE NOTEBOOK!!
THEE MOST WONDERFUL MOVIE
EVER MADE, (ABOUT THIS TOPIC)
MAGICAL ENDING!!! Watch it with them!!
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disgustedtoo Apr 2020
I haven't seen this movie myself, so I looked it up on Wikipedia - while it might be a good movie for others to watch, I'm not sure how that is going to help them at all.

It's likely this man is beyond capability to understand the movie. As I noted in my other post, he's likely living in the past now and doesn't recognize his wife at all, given that she doesn't look like the person he now remembers as his wife. My own mother, seeing a picture taken of her with me and my daughter, pointed at her own image and asked if that is Nana, which is HER mother, gone now 40+ years! Not sure who she thinks she is when she looks in a mirror. She even asked who those "2 girls" are in the picture with her... She did know me when I was still able to visit, but after lock-down, who knows! Other things she has said/referenced were clearly from about 40 years ago. Not sure if she'd recognize anyone today.

So many people post comments about how a LO thinks a wife or husband is their parent, not their spouse, because to them they are not that old - they are living in the past.
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