You will save yourself a lot of frustration and pain if you don't try to explain this to your mother. Even if she does understand, she will not acknowledge the validity of your point-of-view and she probably will forget what you said anyway and you'll find yourself explaining over and over again.
You cannot explain. Her brain is broken. She's probably right that you don't want her now because it would be a nightmare for the both of you. But only you understand that because you have forethought.
My FIL lives in indy living. This week's visit with FIL was horribly negative - worst deluge of negativity yet. He had just come back from a chair exercise class and I thought his negativity was weird. So I went downstairs and asked the activities director how my FIL is normally. She called him words like "pleasant" "gentleman" "positive"....and my jaw nearly hit the floor. Turns out, my FIL is negative only with me and my husband because it's our fault that he lives in indy living with a swimming pool, movie nights, gym class, three meals a day, activities, shuttle service, etc. Afterward, I told my FIL that I find it hard to be around him because of the negativity he reserves for us. I don't know if he'll remember it - probably not - but I said it.
Be honest with your mother. Bottling up feelings inside leads to resentment and impedes acceptance.
Well, what an illuminating story! My mother used to reserve it for me, and now shares it with her ‘visitors’ too. I have to ask myself which I prefer. :/ I’m so glad you said something, it should be said. The trick is for your FIL’s own child to say it as well, if possible. Just in a light way, to point it out. Since a key human trait is being awful to those closest to us, then we’re doing it outside our own notice mostly. I frequently remind my mother that “I didn’t do this to you, life did.”
Yes. She is correct. You don't. Explain to her that it is too difficult for you to live with her. Most of us have problems living with the partners we CHOOSE, with roommates. It isn't unusual. So you explain that you love her, but that you are not up to living with her, that living with her causes you stress and anxiety. That you are sorry, but that is the case. That you are not asking that she change and that you know that in fact no matter how she may WANT TO, she is who she is and you are who you are, and it isn't working for you to live together. That visits will work well, but living together doesn't. She will guilt you. That's fine. She will threaten, and break down and cry. That's fine. Normal reactions all. Not all of life is pretty. Much of life is hard and worth not going gently. Much of life is heartbreaking and worth crying over. BUT IT IS LIFE. And it is fact. And it must be accepted, no matter the grief. So now, tell her gently and finally. Tell her that you will not argue the issue. That you love her but cannot live with her. That you will be the best you can be for her. As I just said to another man, Welcome to the Club of the Flawed and Human.
She will guilt you. That's fine. She will threaten, and break down and cry. That's fine. Normal reactions all. Not all of life is pretty. Much of life is hard and worth not going gently. Much of life is heartbreaking and worth crying over. BUT IT IS LIFE. And it is fact. And it must be accepted, no matter the grief.
WOW! YOU ARE AMAZING. Thank you. I needed a strong directive x
A lot of people here seems to be stuck with the fact that they "promised" their LO they would never put them in a "home". That is a promise that must be broken. In most cases, the LO says to their adult child, "Promise me you will never put me in a home", and what are you supposed to say? Sometimes it goes out of the blue and you are taken aback and don't think to say what you really mean, which is some version of "Sorry, there is no actual way you can live with me". Some people are happy to care for their LO, especially a parent. This is hard work, very hard, that comes at a time when many of us are either winding down our careers, finally retired or maybe helping out with grandchildren. Our elderly mostly did not care for their own elderly loved ones, they got sick and died. Maybe they lived together for a time but they did not live 8-10 years with dementia requiring constant care. I think it is okay to "rethink" this promise if it does not reflect what you really want to do.
It's your life & it's up to you how you run it. Do not allow anyone control you, including your mother. As my parents got older, my mother became fearful, her love of her life would die first. If he did, she wanted to move in with us. NO, THANK YOU!! After I was married, my mother was good at controlling me. The answer was "No, stay put!! We lived close. We will take care of your every need & see you often, but I can't live with you!!"
You ask how to explain to your mom, that she needs to be in a care center and not at your home, although in the past, you have taken very good care of her.
And when you sit down to write her a note to explain it, her negative outlook ("you dont want me anymore, you're throwing me away, you've put me here to die") are all that come to mind.
(I'm looking at this situation and thinking, gee, you're in a nice facility with good caring staff, three meals a day, activities, volunteers who visit, other folks to interact with and a loving, caring daughter to advocate for me).
That's sort of proof of why she can't live with you, isnt it?
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
So, no, you shouldn't try to care for her at home. In part because it's not possible or healthy for you to try to do the work of 3 shifts of caregivers. And in part because SHE needs to be protected from the negative emotions that you drag up.
Have you asked the staff how she is when you're NOT there? Is she mopey and moody? Or is she pleasant?
If she's sad and negative all the time, I'd look into getting a geriatric psychiatrist on board for an assessment. It's possible that antidepressant medication will make a big difference in her ability to see the good in life a bit more.
And when you sit down to write her a note to explain it, her negative outlook ("you dont want me anymore, you're throwing me away, you've put me here to die") are all that come to mind.
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
Those two staements from you sure impacted on me. Thanks so much x
You won't successfully be able to "explain" anything to someone with dementia.
Her brain is irretrievably broken and it doesn't recognize her own needs. In her disordered world, she is "no trouble at all" and you are simply being mean by not taking her in.
It's a bit like an infant telling you that she promises to sleep through the night.
You would be entitled to feelings of guilt if you'd done something wrong. You haven't. You are looking out for your health; unless you are around, mother won't have an advocate.
When your mother lays on the guilt trip, tell her that the doctor says she needs a team of carers, not one elderly lady, looking after her. Keep your visits short and cheerful. Bring her a sweet, take her outside, speak to other residents and introduce her. Try going less frequently; that may lead her to interact more with others.
Patchie1, the situation you and your mother are in is really sad, I'm sorry.
I think what we can do is help you untangle which bits you can do anything about, and which you can't.
The ones you can't do anything about include, e.g.: that your mother is in her nineties; that you are nearly seventy; that your mother's personality makes her not a "people person" able to make new friends and develop a range of relationships; that life goes on, and we all get older and frailer, and - unless we're exceptionally philosophical and/or deserving - sadder.
Another question, I'm afraid - when you moved a half hour drive away from her three years ago, what was the reason for the move?
Hi again Country mouse. I had alot of what you say above in my letter to her, but she wont get it now as explained. Thank you for all your amazing support xxxx
I am an only child my parents divorced when I was 3. I am now 69 Mum is 91 we have been best friends, Mum had cervical cancer and bracitherapy 10 years ago. I cared for her through that and have always attended any other medical appointment with her, She has always been shy but has a strong will. She has always had a negative outlook on life the glass half full. Others have known she is not a mixer and is stressed and anxious, that is her personality. She told people she lived for me, I was the main thing in her life. I did everything for her, not housework or physical work but all dealings with organizations and trades people etc. I moved about 30 minutes drive away from her 3 years ago. We used to live 5 minutes away. I have health problems arthritris and had treatment and injections I cancelled a knee replacement as I couldnt drive to see Mum. Her depression was great 6 months ago I would stay some weekends and she would cry most of the time saying she didnt want to be alive she missed me she missed her mother and sister ( both long passed) I arranged an assessment and a rest home level care was confirmed. She chose a room and a place but wouldnt pack or dispose of anything just sat in her chair crying and saying do what you want with it. She has been at the resthome 6 months. She said she didnt think i would let it happen that she never wanted to go that I made her give up her beautiful life. Not happy sad crying saying she will walk out on the road. The Dr and staff know as I told them but when they observe her she makes out all is well. She asks me over and over again why dont I want her I lead her to believe that we would live together one day when she couldnt manage at home. I said but my own health is worse now. She said what would you have to do for me i do everything for myself. ( which she does) shower dress eat walk to shops with walking stick buy magazines. Her memory is not good though. She says you have your 14 year old grandson stay what extra do you think you would have to do for me . I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication. That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do. It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down and then my arthritis pain flares up and I am living on sleeping pills anti inflamitories and diazapan. In regards to the dementia. it is early and has only been a MOKA test the nurse did. I am advised that a true dementia diagnoses needs more tests and a brain scan. None of these have happened. I decided to write Mum a letter but dont know what to say as it all sounds like I just dont want her. I guess it is true and my guilt is horrific.
Oh Patchie I can relate! Especially to what you said about the Following: “ I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication. That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do. It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down”. All those tasks- doing the laundry, going to appointments, managing meds- pale in comparison to the enormity of dealing with the emotionally charged negativity of someone who doesn’t feel good and places so much of the burden of responsibility on you. All those tasks add up, like the straws on the camel’s back, but those negative emotions are so exhausting. My 94 yo MiL lives w me and my husband and she recently told me, I depend on you! You don’t know how much I depend on you! You’re my soldier! (This when I wanted to run to the post office while she was getting her haircut, and she didn’t think I should leave in case “something happened.”) Instead of feeling like a compliment , that feeling of responsibility felt like a burden I could not put down. Did you ever see the story about How Heavy is Your Glass? (Saw it on you/tube). A professor asked her students how heavy the glass of water she was holding was. They had varying answers, but the actual weight of the glass was unimportant compared to how heavy it felt to the holder depending on how long she had to hold it. The longer she had to hold it, the heavier it felt. So is it with us caregivers, who find it difficult to “put down our glass “ so that we can get some relief. I really don’t have a solution to offer, just understanding, as I am experiencing it myself. You are not alone. Hugs.
Your profile says that Mom is in LTC with Dementia. You need to understand that her mind is dying. We call it broken. She is living in the past. She probably has lost the ability to reason. The ability to process what you are saying. She will have lucid moments, she will be confused. Please, don't take anything she says to heart. Her mind will jump from one thing to another. And get stuck on one thing. If she seems to be "stressed" out like you say, there are medications. Also, the person who tends to do and be there, gets the brunt.
In hindsight we should never promise. You never know where life will lead and in your instance, ur having health problems.
Just enjoy what you can when it comes to Mom. If she gets agitated, just give her a hug and leave. The staff will handle her. Dementia is a horrible desease. Those suffering have lost their filter and have no idea what they say may hurt someone. Or are aware of what they say. They become self centered to.
Often our LOs don't understand the scope or impact of what they are asking. You can't take care of her as she is romanticizing in her mind. How long has she been in the facility? It took my MIL 3 years to completely adjust and start becoming social and happier, not just from antidepressants, but also understanding that her pouting and refusing to get out of bed wasn't going to move the needle with us. Her transformation as of late has been incredible. Stay firm in your position, but hopeful. Divert her with outings if possible, or taking her to the social offerings in her facility. Don't allow every visit with her to be about breaking her out. Parents have no clue what they are asking their children to sacrifice, including their mental and physical health, and all because THEY didn't make an effort to come to grips with it prior. This is everyone's responsibility. Wishing you peace with your mom!
It’s so nice your mom settled in!.. 3 years, geez. And your stance helped. I’m 8 months in and there’s still tons of pity parties (about her excellent safety and comfort). I shall renew my hope that it will improve. :)
Do you and she have a history of arguing with each other? You might kindly remind her that the two of you never got along under the same roof (if that’s the case.) Just a thought. I don’t really know what happens between the two of you that stresses you out. Does she really WANT to leave and live with you, or does she just want a little more attention from you?
You don't owe her that, no matter what, you just don't. You don't owe her because she had you, raised you, helped you. That's what parents do for children. You only owe her a level of respect, caring, and oversight of her future. Just keep that in mind, maintain your independence, hold your head high and know that YOU matter as much (or more) than her. If you keep reminding yourself of these things you will know what to say.
Aug 14, 2019 You don't owe her that, no matter what, you just don't. You don't owe her because she had you, raised you, helped you. That's what parents do for children. You only owe her a level of respect, caring, and oversight of her future. Just keep that in mind,
Patchie1, I just looked quickly at your profile. So, your mother is living in a nursing home at the moment; but she is reminding you of your "promise" from years back and you are feeling bad/sad that you can't just scoop her up and bring her to live with you?
I now realize.
Thanks so very much x
My FIL lives in indy living. This week's visit with FIL was horribly negative - worst deluge of negativity yet. He had just come back from a chair exercise class and I thought his negativity was weird. So I went downstairs and asked the activities director how my FIL is normally. She called him words like "pleasant" "gentleman" "positive"....and my jaw nearly hit the floor. Turns out, my FIL is negative only with me and my husband because it's our fault that he lives in indy living with a swimming pool, movie nights, gym class, three meals a day, activities, shuttle service, etc. Afterward, I told my FIL that I find it hard to be around him because of the negativity he reserves for us. I don't know if he'll remember it - probably not - but I said it.
Be honest with your mother. Bottling up feelings inside leads to resentment and impedes acceptance.
I frequently remind my mother that “I didn’t do this to you, life did.”
She will guilt you. That's fine. She will threaten, and break down and cry. That's fine. Normal reactions all. Not all of life is pretty. Much of life is hard and worth not going gently. Much of life is heartbreaking and worth crying over. BUT IT IS LIFE. And it is fact. And it must be accepted, no matter the grief.
So now, tell her gently and finally. Tell her that you will not argue the issue. That you love her but cannot live with her. That you will be the best you can be for her.
As I just said to another man, Welcome to the Club of the Flawed and Human.
WOW! YOU ARE AMAZING. Thank you.
I needed a strong directive x
That made me feel a bit better about myself
Cheers
xx
You ask how to explain to your mom, that she needs to be in a care center and not at your home, although in the past, you have taken very good care of her.
And when you sit down to write her a note to explain it, her negative outlook ("you dont want me anymore, you're throwing me away, you've put me here to die") are all that come to mind.
(I'm looking at this situation and thinking, gee, you're in a nice facility with good caring staff, three meals a day, activities, volunteers who visit, other folks to interact with and a loving, caring daughter to advocate for me).
That's sort of proof of why she can't live with you, isnt it?
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
So, no, you shouldn't try to care for her at home. In part because it's not possible or healthy for you to try to do the work of 3 shifts of caregivers. And in part because SHE needs to be protected from the negative emotions that you drag up.
Have you asked the staff how she is when you're NOT there? Is she mopey and moody? Or is she pleasant?
If she's sad and negative all the time, I'd look into getting a geriatric psychiatrist on board for an assessment. It's possible that antidepressant medication will make a big difference in her ability to see the good in life a bit more.
Her depression and illogical framing of all of life's events are catching.
Those two staements from you sure impacted on me. Thanks so much x
Her brain is irretrievably broken and it doesn't recognize her own needs. In her disordered world, she is "no trouble at all" and you are simply being mean by not taking her in.
It's a bit like an infant telling you that she promises to sleep through the night.
You would be entitled to feelings of guilt if you'd done something wrong. You haven't. You are looking out for your health; unless you are around, mother won't have an advocate.
When your mother lays on the guilt trip, tell her that the doctor says she needs a team of carers, not one elderly lady, looking after her. Keep your visits short and cheerful. Bring her a sweet, take her outside, speak to other residents and introduce her. Try going less frequently; that may lead her to interact more with others.
x
I think what we can do is help you untangle which bits you can do anything about, and which you can't.
The ones you can't do anything about include, e.g.:
that your mother is in her nineties;
that you are nearly seventy;
that your mother's personality makes her not a "people person" able to make new friends and develop a range of relationships;
that life goes on, and we all get older and frailer, and - unless we're exceptionally philosophical and/or deserving - sadder.
Another question, I'm afraid - when you moved a half hour drive away from her three years ago, what was the reason for the move?
I had alot of what you say above in my letter to her, but she wont get it now as explained.
Thank you for all your amazing support xxxx
I am now 69 Mum is 91 we have been best friends, Mum had cervical cancer and bracitherapy 10 years ago. I cared for her through that and have always attended any other medical appointment with her, She has always been shy but has a strong will. She has always had a negative outlook on life the glass half full. Others have known she is not a mixer and is stressed and anxious, that is her personality.
She told people she lived for me, I was the main thing in her life.
I did everything for her, not housework or physical work but all dealings with organizations and trades people etc.
I moved about 30 minutes drive away from her 3 years ago. We used to live 5 minutes away.
I have health problems arthritris and had treatment and injections I cancelled a knee replacement as I couldnt drive to see Mum.
Her depression was great 6 months ago I would stay some weekends and she would cry most of the time saying she didnt want to be alive she missed me she missed her mother and sister ( both long passed) I arranged an assessment and a rest home level care was confirmed.
She chose a room and a place but wouldnt pack or dispose of anything just sat in her chair crying and saying do what you want with it.
She has been at the resthome 6 months.
She said she didnt think i would let it happen that she never wanted to go that I made her give up her beautiful life.
Not happy sad crying saying she will walk out on the road. The Dr and staff know as I told them but when they observe her she makes out all is well.
She asks me over and over again why dont I want her I lead her to believe that we would live together one day when she couldnt manage at home. I said but my own health is worse now. She said what would you have to do for me i do everything for myself. ( which she does) shower dress eat walk to shops with walking stick buy magazines.
Her memory is not good though.
She says you have your 14 year old grandson stay what extra do you think you would have to do for me .
I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication.
That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do.
It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down and then my arthritis pain flares up and I am living on sleeping pills anti inflamitories and diazapan.
In regards to the dementia. it is early and has only been a MOKA test the nurse did. I am advised that a true dementia diagnoses needs more tests and a brain scan.
None of these have happened.
I decided to write Mum a letter but dont know what to say as it all sounds like I just dont want her.
I guess it is true and my guilt is horrific.
“ I cant say do your washing take you to the doctor look after your medication.
That sounds petty and those are not the things that I couldnt do.
It is the stress of dealing with the responsibility and her anxiety and negative attitude that would get me down”. All those tasks- doing the laundry, going to appointments, managing meds- pale in comparison to the enormity of dealing with the emotionally charged negativity of someone who doesn’t feel good and places so much of the burden of responsibility on you. All those tasks add up, like the straws on the camel’s back, but those negative emotions are so exhausting. My 94 yo MiL lives w me and my husband and she recently told me, I depend on you! You don’t know how much I depend on you! You’re my soldier! (This when I wanted to run to the post office while she was getting her haircut, and she didn’t think I should leave in case “something happened.”)
Instead of feeling like a compliment , that feeling of responsibility felt like a burden I could not put down. Did you ever see the story about How Heavy is Your Glass? (Saw it on you/tube). A professor asked her students how heavy the glass of water she was holding was. They had varying answers, but the actual weight of the glass was unimportant compared to how heavy it felt to the holder depending on how long she had to hold it. The longer she had to hold it, the heavier it felt. So is it with us caregivers, who find it difficult to “put down our glass “ so that we can get some relief. I really don’t have a solution to offer, just understanding, as I am experiencing it myself. You are not alone. Hugs.
In hindsight we should never promise. You never know where life will lead and in your instance, ur having health problems.
Just enjoy what you can when it comes to Mom. If she gets agitated, just give her a hug and leave. The staff will handle her. Dementia is a horrible desease. Those suffering have lost their filter and have no idea what they say may hurt someone. Or are aware of what they say. They become self centered to.
Does she really WANT to leave and live with you, or does she just want a little more attention from you?
xx
You don't owe her that, no matter what, you just don't. You don't owe her because she had you, raised you, helped you. That's what parents do for children. You only owe her a level of respect, caring, and oversight of her future. Just keep that in mind,
That helps so much thank you x
Is that about it?