How can I deal with the guilt that my mother lays on me for not taking her into my home?

What a terrible mother!

How dare she insist that you give up your privacy and ability to live your own life by throwing guilt at you. I am incensed on your behalf.

I wonder if she lived with you if she would moan all day that she was lonely and missed seeing people and having activities?

If I were you, the minute she starts in with the guilt, I would get up and leave.

First I need to response to what you have written in your BIO, and that is that "you're a terrible daughter for not wanting to care for your mom in your home."
You are NOT a terrible daughter, you are a smart one who knows your limitations, and knows she's better off in someone else's care. There is nothing wrong with that. I've said it many times on this forum, and I'll say it again, NOWHERE is it written that children have to take care of their parents as they age. NOWHERE!!! So while your mom is trying to guilt you into caring for her, you just need to say, because I do love you, I want the very best care for you, and unfortunately that is not with me, so let's together figure out where that may be. Your mom is just afraid of what her future is going to look like and she's taking it out on you. Stay strong and stand your ground. Mom will be just fine where ever she ends up for her care. Best wishes.

Your profile says that your mother is in Assisted Living, is that the case? It also says she is suffering from depression. Is that being treated?

You are NOT a terrible daughter. Or you and I BOTH are, because my mom resided happily in a nice Independent Living Facility and later a Nursing Home, because her care needs were far beyond my capabilities.

PS, my mother never threw any guilt my way.

The next time she lays into you, turn it back on her. "Mum, the way you are behaving right now, affirms that it is not in my best interests to have you in my home. You will receive far more professional and 24/7 care in a facility."

You are not a terrible daughter!!! But, tell me...do you have siblings? Are they also being guilted? Or is it just you?

I've been assigned the role of The Bad Guy for my mother, and I've accepted it. If I'm the Bad Guy for 'putting' her in Assisted Living (and now Memory Care) to keep her safe & well, then so be it. I accept it. I made a decision long long ago that I would NOT take my parents into my home to live with me, that once was MORE than enough (when I was a kid), and that's THAT.

When she starts carrying on (mostly to my son) that I 'should be' taking her to live with me, I simply tell her that I'm SHOCKED she would even SUGGEST such a thing, given all of her tons of health and mobility issues! That her wheelchair wouldn't even FIT into ONE of my bathrooms, let alone up the steps into my house. That we work all day and nobody would be here to pick her up off the floor after taking one of her many, many, many falls (over 50 that we're aware of to date) and leaving her alone all day would NOT be safe or in her best interest.

Sorry not sorry. Love you mom, but you are where you belong. Moving right along to the next subject........

Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no useful purpose. Unless you are trying to 'punish' your mother by having her safe & secure in Assisted Living, I'd let go of the notion that you're deserving of guilt in any way, shape or form.

It is yourself you need to come to terms with, not your mother. You know who she is, and likely always have known. I am 78. All my adult life I have told my children NOT to take me into (or even on the property of their home. It is hard enough for us to live with chosen partners and our own children in life, and those are the people we OWE to. Our parents chose to have us whatEVER their reasons were. Theirs was the duty to raise us well as they were able given their own limitations. Time now to recognize your own limitations. You can provide what you are able in loving care while recognizing that you have your own life to live. You can provide gentle joy-filled visits. You are not a felon. You have not committed heinous crimes with malice aforethought. Guilt is for them. You are not Ms Fix It. You cannot make everything about the losses that come to us with aging OK. You are a human being with a right to your life, and with your own limitations. If you need help with understanding that fact on a deep inner level then I recommend licensed Social Worker who deals with therapy for life passes or psychologist. You are not a Saint. If you were we would shoot you full of arrows, kill you, then pray to you for eternity to fix EVERYTHING for ALL of us.

Deal with it by not listening to it. The minute she starts using the words that trigger you into feeling guilt, end the conversation. Leave. Hangup the phone. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong and you've done nothing wrong. If she doesn't get the drift that you no longer hang around for her guilt trips, then it's okay to be honest about not wanting her living with you: "Mother, I don't want to live with you. I understand that's what you want but it isn't what I want. Please respect that."

NYD--
Hit the nail on the head: Guilt is for when you've actually done something wrong! We get so conditioned to feel responsible to our LO's and so everything we do--we wind up feeling guilt, when in fact, there is no right or wrong in many situations--there's only compromise and the 'best effort'.

Somehow my mother tried to make me feel guilty for not 'looking better' while I was txing for cancer. It was SO weird and SO off base, it was actually a wake up call for me.

When she starts in with the guilt (or MIL does with DH, we walk away.)

Let’s look at who should feel guilty here. You are doing nothing wrong. Your mother is, and she is the one who should feel guilty. She is trying very hard to force on you what she thinks is in her best interest, even when you have made it clear that you don’t want it. That’s not very nice behavior!

Get rid of the guilt in your own head, and turn the tables on her. How can you be so unkind to me, mother, when you know that I just can’t do what you want? Do you want me to feel bad? Don’t you care at all about me?

I so wish I had kept that post from when I first started on this forum. Her parents wanted her to care for them. She said something like this:

would you hire someone who has not been trained to care for people.

would you hire someone who could not cook and clean and so on. Her parents said no. She said, then u don't want me.

If you work, there is no way Mom would like being alone all day. Then u come home to caring for her. She is better where she is. She gets to dine with others. Has activities and entertainment.

Of all my Moms 4 kids, I was the one she could guilt. That changed after years of the only one who was there. My house is not conducive to someone who can't do stairs.
Mom did better in an AL where she could walk around and was able to Socialize.

As others said, and I HIGHLY agree, guilt is only for those who have done something wrong. You have NOT done anything wrong. Your mother may think so, but that's what she thinks. Just because she thinks it doesn't make it true!

One thing I did not do was participate in the actual move to MC. I did all the leg work and prep, and left the move to my 2 brothers. I figured I would get the blame anyway, as I did for taking her car key (YB took it, not me!) Surprisingly not once did she ever dump on me - every time YB was there during the first 9 mo, she would harangue him to take her back to her condo - although I was there, she didn't pester me! Granted it's a little different, as she has dementia. At 9 mo she forgot about her condo, regressing in time back to the previous house (sold 25 years before!)

I also made my decision, no way could I take care of her. She and her sisters took turns caring for my grandmother, but she was easy to care for, didn't have dementia and was gone before they all retired! She could be left alone during the day, if they were working. She was very easy going too. My mother, not so much. Add in full stairs to get in/out of my place and bathrooms too small to handicap, plus having issues with my lower back and her outweighing me by a lot, nope.

You can call, visit, take her out (if possible) and/or bring small gifts/treats, and that shows you care. Given her multiple issues and most likely that you are working, taking her in is not going to work. Most of us are not trained in care, and many still have obligations such as work and/or children/families of our own to care for. It isn't always the best solution to take in a parent or other LO.

So, work on not accepting guilt based on her statements. If she starts on you, and asking her to stop doesn't work, say goodbye and hang up if on the phone, or tell her you will be back when she can stop asking for what can't be done and leave. You have a LOT of support here!

(P.S. there are those on the forum who will attempt to lay more guilt on you. IGNORE THEM!)

An important activity in preventing these guilt trips that can be put on you not just by a parent but others is to have a -0- tolerance for them. When people see you can't be sucked in to the manipulation they will stop. Parents are living soooo much longer (we all are) and for some reason soo many of them percieve their children owe them something. To "deal with" the guilt you have to prevent the guilt activities from occurring. Our parents are adults they need to take responsibility for their lives and we need to hold them (politetly) accountable to that. When she starts in do not argue with her, stick to the facts as to why she is not living with you. If she persists at some point you have to step away and say to her I will not be treated this way. Tell her if this persists you will drive me away. If you lay that down you must be prepared to act on it. If all you do is give empty threats she will see right thru it and you have put her in charge of your life. Im 64 yrs old now and living alone. With this pandemic I am quite the hermit. The only people that are really safe to be around are my children. BUT I have not changed to constantly bugging them. My policy has been if hey want to see me they can call, come over or invite me. They need to live their own lives. Engaging with me needs to be a positive event when we get together not a dreaded guilt trip. This is how my parents handled it, it worked very well, so I am using the process. Their Mother.. she calls them constantly, pestering them. She has pretty much driven them away.

This may be more of a generational issue. My grandmother dropped out of school at 16 year old to work and "help support the family." She never went back to school. She took care of her parents and her in-laws during a time period when family HAD to take care of the seniors because there weren't other options. My mother took care of my grandmother for the last 7 years of her life (Gram lived to be a month shy of 99) and Gram paid my mom a weekly salary - same amount she got from her minimum wage job. My mom is living independently for now at 77 years old. We have an agreement that I will build a small "granny cottage" on our property when she needs it.

In my case, I am returning to work to earn a retirement. I have told my mom that I will make sure she is safe and healthy (happiness is the individual's responsibility), but did not guarantee that I would do the caregiving. She probably hears that I will take care of her like she took care of her mom. However, she is satisfied that she will be cared for.

Maybe your mom has expectations of being cared for as earlier generations have done. In reality, your responsibility is to make sure she is healthy and safe... not to keep her in your home and not necessarily to do the caregiving. God bless those folks that are able to do the caregiving.

Do not let your mom guilt you about this.  I would never ask my own daughter to take me on in addition to her other responsibilities and essentially not have  a life of her own. I don't want my mom to expect that of me either.  I have no desire to be a 24 hr a day caregiver.  I don't have it in me.  Add in the fact that mom has dementia, so I am dealing with someone who is mentally not there and it is definitely not my desire to deal with that 24/7.  Even though her siblings try to guilt me about it and say even though you're working you could hire in people to take care of her while you're at work.  I said I have no desire to move her in with me, but if you feel compelled, you are more than welcome to move her into your home and deal with someone who can't be left alone for a minute, doesn't want to bathe, repeats herself over and over and over again and then accuses you of stealing her things.  Have at it.  That pretty much shuts them up.  None of them have taken care of anyone in this capacity and I find their suggestions ignorant and insulting.  Dealing with a parent or spouse who has dementia has its stages.  I don't mean their stages of the disease, I mean your stages of acceptance and dealing with it.  In the beginning I was shocked, then I was overwhelmed trying to manage everything, then I got mad about it all, then I got busy and placed her in a lovely facility 2 minutes from my home.  I don't feel guilty at all.  I have done an excellent job of managing my mothers care and she didn't have to be under my roof for me to do it.

Do not feel guilty.

But you ARE taking care of her! She is being cared for in Assisted Living . My great aunt explained to her daughter that having daughter care for her in daughter's home was not working out. Too hard on daughter and son-in-law. And most of all, too much isolation! Great aunt wanted to be around people, to socialize, etc. etc. She insisted on moving into assisted living and was very happy there! New things happening every day, new people to meet and befriend. She did not want to insult daughter, BUT she was getting tired of the same old, same old everyday stuff at daughter's house.

Whisky.

No I’m just kidding ( 99% of the nights )...but I totally get it as I struggle with the same issue. Some mothers will NEVER be satisfied no matter what, and satisfying them isn’t our job, even though it can take decades to realize we’ve been groomed to try to please them. Sometimes we get more pressure from relatives and staff to ‘be strong’ and ‘ be there’ for our mothers as our moms act lovely to visitors and then crab at us. This pressure can be

Keeping your mom safe in AL and being in charge of her logistics etc.. is MORE than enough! And when conversations with her involve guilt bombs getting thrown in, changing the subject or making a white lie might help. I often try to be cooking while we’re on the phone so my own attention is diverted.

You are more than enough! Huge hug
M

PS Yesterday my mom said she needed a break and only wanted to ‘mooch off of my daughter’, and would bring a sleeping bag since I said I didn’t have room. I totally feel ya.

No, you are not terrible. It’s very difficult to have parents living with you.

I’m sorry that she is laying on the guilt so strongly. It’s stressful to constantly hear upsetting news.

Tell her that you aren’t a nurse. Its not easy caring for the elderly. I think you are wise for recognizing that you aren’t up to caring for her.

So many of us have tried and have been sorry. You are one step ahead of the game by not attempting to care for her.

Besides you are caring for her by making sure that she is receiving good care by a professional staff.

In some cases, not being the primary caretaker helps preserve the family relationship. When we were taking care of my grandmother, having a home health aide to assist us helped protect her privacy and dignity for things like bathing and dressing. It also helped her maintain an element of independence instead of being directed to do something by a child or grandchild who was trying to fit in caretaking with all of their other responsibilities. Having that respite allowed us to enjoy being with her instead of feeling stretched thin and frustrated. It also helped ease my grandmother's sense of feeling like a burden.

Of course, my grandmother was a very different individual in terms of being an excellent communicator who was very empathetic and appreciative. I am having a much different experience at the moment as my husband and I transition to caregiving for his parents. I am trying my best to emulate my grandmother's compassion, but taking care of someone who never seems to appreciate your efforts is extremely draining, even though the physical level of required care is not as substantial just yet. I am sorry that you are going through this. Thank you for posting - reading through this helped me recognize that it is perfectly OK to set boundaries with my mother-in-law. I do not think I could mentally survive living in the same household with her.

Don’t accept the guilt. Just because that’s what she thinks she wants doesn’t mean you have to provide it and if you know that isn’t the best arrangement for you then it is t the best arrangements t for her either. Taking in or moving in with a parent to be live in caregiver is a huge move and sometimes the most loving thing as well as the hardest is to recognize before hand that it won’t work. Mom may not see that now because she is blinded by fear which is coming out as anger and frustration at you but that doesn’t mean she is right. I would say the same if feelings were reversed and you wanted to move mom in but she wanted to make other arrangements, it takes both or all parties in the case of other family in the house, being on board with the plan to even have a prayer of it working well. Guilt only indicates a problem that shouldn’t be ignored and if mom isn’t able to see that you need to be the reasonable adult that does by simply not accepting the guilt she is handing out.

I would ask her how she wanted to spend the rest of her days - alone having estranged a previously loving daughter or trying to maintain a guilt-free, positive relationship with her daughter. If she continues guilting you, I’d set strict boundaries and limits on your visits and conversations with her. Take care of yourself or you’ll end up resenting her or worse.

"Am I a terrible daughter because I don't want my mother to live with me?"

My short answer is no.

What does "Mother to live with me" mean to you? Does it mean something more like 'look after Mother'?

You can still 'look after' someone (ie give emotional support) without provide the hands-on care 24/7.

I loved my Grandpa very much but I never lived with him or wiped his behind. Why is it some Mother's seem to think we don't love them unless we become their slaves?

Take her in. You will not regret it. Folks today are so selfish it's sick. I am with my Mom, and altered my life, and I enjoy all of the ups and downs. Do it. Otherwise, not doing it will haunt you forever.

Taking her in will likely lead to a much worse relationship with her, the fact that she is guilt tripping you proves this 100%. Do not do it.

I've scanned through the responses and read the OP's profile, but I'm none the wiser. What exactly is mother doing to "lay guilt" on the OP?

The reason I ask is a strong memory of my brother having a total meltdown at me over the phone because I'd sent a round-robin email to my children, nieces and nephews telling them that Granny was going to be staying in their area for a few days and she'd love it if they dropped in to see her. This was, apparently, burdening them with guilt.

People with sore consciences, it seems to me, can perceive accusations where no such thing is intended. So, I'm just wondering. On a scale from 1. e.g. "it's a very nice facility but not like being at home, of course" to 10. e.g. "cruel and ungrateful child, how can you leave me here to die" - what exactly has mother been saying?

Really easy. Just project what your life would be like if you did take her into your home.

It's a difficult question. If you take her into your home, you will be 100% responsible for her care. It means a lot of sacrifice for you and if you can't make that sacrifice at least a little gladly, then it won't do her or you any good to take her in. You can tell her that you want to keep your relationship happy and not have it soured by the resentment of having to take care of her.

I get that same question from my 89 year old mom daily. When her broken brain, and I don't mean dementia or Alzheimer's, she would daily ask me to move in with my husband and I. I didn't understand what was happening, and I took great offense to it. I would do everything I could to make her stop; crying (which I do daily) hit the wall, scream, etc, to get her to stop saying that. See in my mind, it was telling me that she didn't love me that it was all about her. I even told her that. Alot of her saying that to me, brought up some unresolved, unspoken issues that she and I growing up. I am an only child who is 57 years old. My mom and dad, who is deceased, had a wonderful, close life together. I knew they loved me, but we didn't say it; never really hugged or said we loved each other; until my dad was dying. He told me then. For the next month or two, we hugged, kissed, and told each other we loved each other everytime we say one another. That was a blessing. My mother has always been good to me, provided anything I wanted. We hung out and enjoyed our company together, but she is tough. I had to be perfect. I couldn't please her. My whole entire life. When she started the problematic journey two years ago, when saying how lonely she was (I know she is because she has outlived so many) but sometimes I feel, because she is a person who will tell you what she thinks, because that is what she wants to do, has created some distance from others; I guess) Anyway, my 89 year old mom is miserable and I hear about daily. She has terrible regrets. I am handling better because it has been going on for 2 years. She is physically good shape. Her aged mind broke.

Something that helps, when my mom starts in on moving in, I get quiet. I don't say a word. Since she can't cry herself, it really bothers her when I do, so sometimes that helps.
Because we all ultimately what our parents approval, I think that is where the bad feelings (perhaps not guilt) shows its face. Thats mine.
If she dies before me, I will miss her terribly, because, due to her , undiagnosed depression and anxiety, I visit every other day for about an hour and a half, I cook for her, etc. It will be a huge void.
One good thing out of all of this is she and I tell each other we love each other daily, on the phone and when we see each other. We hug and kiss.
It is very hard life now, but I just pray and cry alot, and hope it changes.
Best of luck.

We are close to being in the same boat, my mother lives in her house 2 doors away from me, in the process of looking for somewhere to put her. On a waiting list for a senior assisted living apartment that is affordable. I do not have the professional experience or patience to deal with my mom 24/7. Sometimes you have to save your own sanity. You can still be attentive to her and some of her demands. Do not feel guilty, she is living in another world separate from yours. She does not not and will not understand yours. You are a good person, do the best you can and always make time for yourself, do not beat yourself up.

If your mother was abusive (emotionally etc) during the rest of your life, do not do it. It will only pick up where it left off and be way worse - destroying you.