Hi everyone. I was not sure where to post this, basically I am having a hard time dealing with family issues. In particular an on going situation with my oldest sister and Mom. To make it as short as possible, my mother has felt obligated to help my oldest sister care for her children and herself, this is because my mother feels guilt over never having left our very abusive father, and therefore blames herself for any problems me, my two sisters and my brother have. My oldest sister has taken complete advantage of that, and has manipulated my mother to move into my her apartment with her two children, and help. What went from just "helping my sister" get over a "hump" due to her husband up and abandoning her and her two children, quickly became my Mother raising my sister's two children for the better part of 14 years. What started out as depression for my sister, became "chronic" back pain, and finally a diagnosis of stiff person's syndrome. My other sister and I felt that my sister was taking HUGHE advantage of our Mother. Whatever happy life my Mother could have had after my Dad passed away, was sucked out of her by my sister. For years my other sister and I would tell my mother that our sister was perfectly capable of caring for herself and two kids. My mother was convinced, through mostly the moaning and groaning daily from my sister, that my sister's days were numbered, and my sister had mere years to live. My mother would not listen to a word we said and kept on caring for her and her two kids, even through Breast Cancer, which my sister kept secret from all of us. My mother didn't want us to know either. We found out through my brother. My sister didn't allow my brother to stay with her as she felt she didn't trust him. She smoked like a chimney in the small apartment they lived in and drank like a fish. She got money from the state, and her money and my mother's social security paid the rent and needs, except my sister used the money to buy her kids expensive games and phones as well as herself. They owed at least 4 months back rent and eventually got kicked out. My Mother was left to deal with the court hearings to try and keep the apartment while battling breast cancer and even put off her surgery while my sister laid in bed claiming to be in too much pain to do anything. Both my other sister and I called her out on it and basically told her she is killing our Mother, along with calling child protective services on her for neglect. Ever since that day, my sister had full control over my mother, and would not allow my mother to call us or receive calls from us. She kept in her hands the only cell phone that worked, and screened any calls. Almost a year later, because neither I or my sister have heard from our Mother, and we were concerned on how her health was, I contacted my niece through an App, for her to tell me what I already knew, that her mother would not allow Grandmom to contact us because she was mad at us. Until 3 months ago, I received a text from My sister that my Mother was diagnosed with dementia. She basically wanted to start a clean slate, and have us all be in our Mother's life. assistance from the state as well as my mother's social security check all pay the rent in a 3 bedroom home they now live in which is 3 1/2 hours away from me two states over. My sister does not work, and is suddenly able to walk around, and care for my mother so she says. have been to their house. It appeared as if my sister did 360. Doing the shopping, taking care of my mother's drs appointments, and caring from my Mom. MY mother was pretty much bed ridden when I went to see her for the first time. My sister decided to take advantage of a rehab cente that would be paid for by Medicaid, to help get my mother off her feet, and healthy, because at this point she would not eat, or get out of bed, and was having fainting spells. After two weeks in the facility, my mother
After two weeks in the facility, my mother was a world of difference. She was clean, her hair was washed, she gained weight and she had color back in her face. She hated the place, but I felt she was well taken care of. I almost dreaded the day she left that place, because I felt that my sister could not have done that much of a 360. I went shopping for her and bought all of these healthy foods, only to go back and visit two weeks later to see she had not made my mother any of it. As a matter of fact I have been observing when I visit and realized, her two girls pretty much cook for themselves. They are 13 and 14 yrs old. The sink is piled with dishes each time I come over, to the point where I do them each time I visit, and they always seem to be out off food. I know it has to be difficult for my sister. She has to call a cab to shop, and she still has some back issues, but is completely mobile. I have bought my Mother clothes, food and necessities. I live 3 1/2 hours away so I try to helo out whenever I can. I am in my own bad situation. I live currently with my ex boyfriend and our daughter in a house we have lived in as a couple for over 10 years. I found over a year ago he cheated, which was just the last straw with him. He has been emotionally abusive and controlling for the 17 years we have been together which is why I decided to not ever marry him. Now I have to move out of his house and get an apartment, which has been taking some time. I have a lot of credit card debt that needs to get paid off before I can get an apartment. He controlled me financially as well, and I was able to put myself through school to get a full time job in accounting. Now I just need to pay off my debt and get an apartment.
I bring this all up, as i wish I could care for my mother. Even if I had a place, I would not be home to care for her. She needs someone to cook for her and f=give her her medicaine, and basicaly watch her as her dementia seems to be the middle stages. At the same time I am concerned for the actual care she is getting from my sister. I went to visit last weekend, and she had tow bags of donuts on my mother's bed which was her breakfast. I also saw an empty box of donuts on my mother's bedroom floor. THe oatmeal i bought over 3 weeks ago was still in the cabnet unopened, as wkll as the cans of tuna, and pasta. SHe is clearly not making sure my mother has proper nutrional meals. I made my Mother a healty lunch while i was there. I always do. But i know when I leave , they come few and far between. My mother has a nurse come every week to give my Mom a check up whcih I feel better about, but I am just worried for her. I asked her if she wanted to live with me, and she said she would love to, but not right now. She still feels she needs to stay wth my sister. I would feel terrible guilt taking her out of a home with my sister and my neices especially since she has been living with them for 14 years. I do not even have the means to care for My mom although I woudl if I had the money to afford a live in nurse, but I can not even afford my own apartment right now. I can not ask my ex if my Mom could move in his house that I am living in now. THat would not be fair for him or my MOotherf, plus I would never get away from hm and on with my life if that happened. I feel at the point that if I speak u to my sister about y concerns, she will get deeply offended and not allow me to talk to orr see my mother. I did express my concerns about a copule of things while i visited over the weekend, and already its been 4 days and she still has not returned my call I even texted her to ask how my mother is, and no response. I feel if I say ANYTHING she does not want to hear, this is the result.
I am so very sorry for such a long post. I have been holding it all in for a while, and it just came pouring out once i stared typing. I am dealing with my own health issues, so this rough to deal with.
I plan on going there to see my mother on her birthday in a couple weeks and my stomach is in knots wondering whether or not my sister will answer the door and allow me in. I am at my wits end with her at this point. I feel so frustrated as I am 3 1/2 hours away in another state, and even if I got guardianship over my mother, I myself still do not have my own place, and I cant foresee her living in the house I am in now with my and my ex. I am split up with him, which is awkward and awful enough. Plus I will be needing to work two jobs just in order to afford an apartment, so I will rarely be home and wont be able to afford in home nursing. Jut ridded with guilt that I can not do more for my mother at this point in my life, she means the world to me, and anger at the rest of my family. My other sister who lives 1 1/2 hours away rarely even sees our mother, and my brother is pretty much homeless and battling addiction. Sorry for the venting. I know need to live my life and fix my situation, just feel incredible guilt in the process :(
You may be able to get social services involved to designate your mom a vulnerable adult, but without easy access to your mom, your sister is going to tighten up her control and play-act for the county.
Your sister will never be the person you wish she would be, so give up on that thought. Your deep desire to rescue your mom is going to drain your energy. Maybe you should consider that your mom kept choosing her and this path for her care, so now let her live it out and you go on and rid your life of all the other drama before it's too late to live and enjoy life. It doesn't mean you don't love your mom. It just means the only life you can control is your own.
I plan on going there to see my mother on her birthday in a couple weeks and my stomach is in knots wondering whether or not my sister will answer the door and allow me in. I am at my wits end with her at this point. I feel so frustrated as I am 3 1/2 hours away in another state, and even if I got guardianship over my mother, I myself still do not have my own place, and I cant foresee her living in the house I am in now with my and my ex. I am split up with him, which is awkward and awful enough. Plus I will be needing to work two jobs just in order to afford an apartment, so I will rarely be home and wont be able to afford in home nursing. Jut ridded with guilt that I can not do more for my mother at this point in my life, she means the world to me, and anger at the rest of my family. My other sister who lives 1 1/2 hours away rarely even sees our mother, and my brother is pretty much homeless and battling addiction. Sorry for the venting. I know need to live my life and fix my situation, just feel incredible guilt in the process :(
I plan on going there to see my mother on her birthday in a couple weeks and my stomach is in knots wondering whether or not my sister will answer the door and allow me in. I am at my wits end with her at this point. I feel so frustrated as I am 3 1/2 hours away in another state, and even if I got guardianship over my mother, I myself still do not have my own place, and I cant foresee her living in the house I am in now with my and my ex. I am split up with him, which is awkward and awful enough. Plus I will be needing to work two jobs just in order to afford an apartment, so I will rarely be home and wont be able to afford in home nursing. Jut ridded with guilt that I can not do more for my mother at this point in my life, she means the world to me, and anger at the rest of my family. My other sister who lives 1 1/2 hours away rarely even sees our mother, and my brother is pretty much homeless and battling addiction. Sorry for the venting. I know need to live my life and fix my situation, just feel incredible guilt in the process :(