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I think that there is a difficult head set here for both of you. You feel that you have and should have the ‘woman of the house’ title, and that MIL is 'a guest'. MIL is confused about her title – not a guest, perhaps DH’s mother, or the ‘wise elder’, but also a ‘I keep putting my foot in it’ nuisance. The reality at present is that you are all house sharing. Think about how those young people manage it. No-one is ‘queen’, but individuals have a ‘special dish’ that they cook occasionally for everyone. Someone has the job of remembering to take out the rubbish bins, etc etc. Try hard to talk it through with DH. If he understands the issues, and how you are trying to resolve them, he can help both of you. If he doesn’t understand, it’s a rocky path ahead. It might help for DH to read the different approaches you have had, and talk them through with you.
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I’m adding to my previous post. I agree with Jacobsen. My 85 year old MIL lived with us and we got on despite the fact that she had an adult version of oppositional defiant disorder. Example: On one occasion I arrived home from work and mentioned that my coworkers and I had commented what a beautiful clear blue sky day it was and we wished we were outside enjoying it (NW PA near “dreary Erie”). Her response: I sat by the window and never saw anything but clouds. She insisted it was a cloudy day, although there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I ended it, smiling, “oh, Mom, you are funny” and gave her a hug. She was a retired nurse, had many interests and non-stop curiosity. Believe me I worked hard to make her feel loved and useful (household management and care); given her personality it wasn’t easy. But. She raised an amazing son, my husband, and we both loved him so I kept that fact in mind. She’s gone now, but I have to say she became one of my best girlfriends. So, in my experience, two women can live harmoniously in the same home together.
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