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She is 97 years old has been in the nursing home for 6 months. She was living alone until she broke her hip. She underwent surgery, but was not able to start walking again. She was showing signs of dementia before the surgery, but it is worse now. Some days she is totally out of touch with reality. She was very unhappy when she was first in the nursing home, so he thought we should go every day for a while until she got adjusted. We live only 10 miles away so that that is not a problem. She is still not happy and is not going to be no matter what. We are both 72. I have RA, but it is well controlled. He had an aortic aneurysm repair a year ago and recovered well. But now that we are in the stressful situation of dealing with her on a daily basis, his blood pressure has gone up and he is now on blood pressure medication and cholesterol medication. He has also been sick for the last month with colds, sore throats and congestion. I'm sure it is all stress related.  I can't get him to stop going there every day.  I go with him just to make the visits easier for him because I can handle the stress better than he can. I've just come off of 8 years of helping with my own mother. We have fallen to a pattern of going right after lunch every day and now she is waiting when we arrive and if we get there later, she starts with "Where have you been?" And so on. I am beginning to resent having to plan my life around these visits.  It has been 6 months since I have had a whole day to myself.  If this is selfish, I'm sorry, but I like to do my own housework, shopping and want to be involved in church activities.   I thought about telling him we could alternate our days going, but I really don't like going to see her by myself.  She wants me to take her somewhere and I can't because she is in a wheelchair, she is heavy and I can't handle her.  Plus she would want to go the bathroom somewhere and I can't handle that either. He can't take her anywhere either because he is not to lift more that 50 pounds and she is a dead weight getting her up and down. At the home, she does not want to participate in any activities.  I think we need to back off going every day so she will decide to do things and not sit there and wait for us.  She has a cell phone and on the few days we did not go due to doctor's appointments or something we had to do, we would tell her we were not coming and she would call asking where we were.  I don't want to refuse to go with him because I don't want to add to his stress.  His brother also goes to see her every day, but he only stays a few minutes. We stay about an hour and a half and she still tells people we don't come often or stay more than a few minutes. She does not have anything really wrong with her physically so I am afraid this may go on for a long time.  I tell him she is killing him.   Maybe not, but it IS dominating our lives.

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We have cut back on going every day and are planning a trip soon for our 50th anniversary! MIL is still not happy and never will be. If we skip a day or two she notices sometimes and sometimes she doesn't. She tells everyone that when we come we stay "a few minutes." She really doesn't know how long we stay. We always stay an hour or more. We took two day trips this week and he has been going fishing, too. He plays golf occasionally and since the NH is near the golf course, he drops by for a little while. Things are better. Thanks for your honest answers and help. My pastor tells me this won't go on forever!
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I worked in nursing homes as a social worker for 18 years. Residents adjust better if family do not visit every day. By not visiting every day, the resident has the opportunity to form new relationships with staff and other residents. To make your husband feel better have him call on the days he doesn't visit. I would also ask the staff how mom does when you and your husband are not there. My guess is that she is happy and involved most hours of the day but gives your husband a "guilt trip" because, well, that's what mothers do! Good luck!
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I was my mother's caregiver (with a little hired help) for a few years and it nearly killed me. When she finally went into a nursing home I was the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A. She was there for 2 years and did well. I visited once a week on a weekend afternoon. She had dementia and still recognized me, but she was at the point where she just babbled on about all kinds of things and couldn't hold a conversation! So I just sat there and smiled and nodded, brought her some magazines to look at.....She died last year and I am now 65 and realize I don't have all that much time left for myself! I want to emphasize this - there is not all that much time left for ourselves. There is a short window before our own imminent decline. I wish you well, please stand firm and cut back all those visits. Let your husband go himself if he must. He should stay home if he's sick, no one needs his germs!
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I am really concerned about your husband going to the NH while sick. This practice could kill the residents living there. Most NH have signs posted at the entries asking you not to come in if you have a cough or sniffles. God forbid someone should introduce the flu there. This is a practice that should stop immediately at all costs.
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Gently tell you husband that neither you nor he are healthy enough to continue going to the nursing home everyday. Make a schedule of maybe three times a week, and if he disagrees then let him go himself. I am 10 years younger than you, and when my 59 year old husband had a massive stroke I was his sole caregiver. I was a healthy 58 year old, but now I have three autoimmune diseases, one being the very rare Dermatomyositis and it is not well controlled. It was at first, but since we cannot afford a nursing home and no help ( he is in at home hospice now- but still no sitting help) I've been neglectful of my doctors appointments. I also have heart failure caused by immunosuppressants and infusions. So in 2013 I was the picture of health, and due to the stress, I am almost dead. So please do not think it is selfish to have some of your old life back- it's too late for me as the damage has been done, but just tell your husband that you cannot visit his mother everyday and it would not be wise ( health wise) for him to do this either. Both of you, live your lives before it's too late! His mother will be taken care of by the nursing home staff.
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We did not go today. He went fishing and I stayed home. She did not call, but I don't answer when she does. I think he enjoyed his day. I'm going to start backing off. He doesn't like going without me so he will probably go less often if I am "busy." When I was helping with my own mother I did not go everyday and I lived next door! We went on trips for 7 to 10 days at a time, too. He is finding out that this is going to stress him out.
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I didn't read all the replies. There are so many. But the way you frame your question paints you into a corner. You already have the answers to any objections or suggestions others make. You should either 1) stop accompanying your husband (you have a life too), or 2) talk him into cutting back to once a week. You seem not to be able to take on (2), so you're left with (1). Good luck.
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This hits too close to home!!
My hubby's uncle moved out of state about 25 years ago. We never saw him, literally. He had a bad fall and his sons brought him back "home" and had to place him in an NH. He had about 3 "death's door" type declines, and every time my hubby would race to the NH. Uncle didn't recognize him, or anyone else. When he finally died, my husband said he was "devastated". I was agog. I asked him why...and he just said he hadn't been a good nephew. He really beat himself up over it. It was just really, to be honest, ridiculous. We had a trip planned and he cancelled so he could go to the funeral and was angry at ME because I went ahead of him on the trip (having only met his uncle once or twice in my life!!).
I think it was the grieving he DIDN'T do when his own father died. Not a tear for his father, but took 3 days off work due to his "grief" over this uncle who had not even been a part of his life.
I think your hubby is being *bullied* and allowing it---be firm and loving with mom, but let the other brother visit on the days you don't. Coordinate the week with brother and don't answer the calls from mom.
This is not going to get better unless you make it be so. If mother ever goes into an NH, I won't visit her everyday. You said you didn't before the fall, go back to the less frequent visits and allow her to adapt to the new surroundings.
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Oh and he wasn't sick. Just allergies. No fever.
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How can I edit or delete something I posted?
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I don't think it's your place to allow hubby to stay home while you go visit MIL. You remind me of myself, I'm always trying to help someone to the detriment of myself. I turned 60 this year and decided I'm putting myself first for the first time in my life, it's hard at first but it's a habit I hope to form. I would be exhausted knowing that I had something to do every day like get ready and head to the Nursing home. Let your husband go alone, he probably will stop going every day if you aren't there to make it pleasant for him. Myself, I would go once a week and she could like it or lump it, but everyone has to make their own decisions. It kinda reminds me of that movie "Dad" where the elderly wife was always taking care of her husbands needs because she was viewed as the stronger of the two, then she had a heart attack. Maybe you could let members of your church know you could use some relief with MIL, many people enjoy that kind of interaction. As a matter of fact, your husband might be viewing it as a social outing that he's enjoying. You should let him know you aren't really enjoying it that much. Best of luck.
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Could it be a bit of guilt that he wasn't there when his mother fell? - I agree he is preventing your mom from acclimatizing - how about alternating with his brother so you go every other day & BIL goes the other - check the activities schedule as many are after lunch

Let him go alone sometimes as you are becoming an enabler to hubby - once in a while have YOUR activity that you need to skip the visit [special baking, hair or dr app't, etc] - it's time to cut the apron strings -

You [& hubby] should NOT be going when you have a cold, sore throat etc as that can spread like wildfire & compromise others who won't be able to fight off the bug - where my parents are there is a big sign 'do not to enter if you are sick' - I am surprised that staff haven't talked to you both to stay away when sick

You are not being selfish rather you are realistic & hubby has blinders on about his mom - what can you talk about for 1 1/2 hours daily? that's 10 1/2 hours a week! - you may find that the quality of the visit increases when the frequency decreases as you will have more to talk about - if he needs to, have him call on days he doesn't go but at various times so MIL won't stay to get the call but rather will participate in communal activities
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Looks like there are 3 of you who visit her regularly.
A suggestion is to COMMUNICATE . One person at a time visits, evaluates and assesses her for proper care. Does not need to be the same time of the day. Does not need to be a lengthy visit.
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Maybe if you do alternate days with the brother he'd stay longer than a few minutes. After you try that for a while you can try three day stretches so the brother gets three free days and then switch so you get three free days. You never know maybe mom wants some space too.
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I really don't think my husband is depressed over his mother and no he has not always been this attached to her. When she was living alone, we saw her maybe once a week because at that time she was living about 40 miles away. A year ago she was living in her own home and was still driving and going with friends to church, etc. Her husband died 6 years ago and last year she started being confused. We tried having hired help come, but as soon as we would get someone, she would say she did not like them or she would decide she didn't need anyone. But she would call friends all the time asking them to take her to the store or bring her things even though we took her grocery shopping every week. We felt that she was imposing on people because the ones she would call were elderly, too. She agreed to go to an assisted living in the same town where her nursing home is now. She was there for two months, adjusting nicely when she broke her hip and had to go to the nursing home. His main thing is that she is always complaining about this and that and saying she wants to die and on and on. She's not going to be happy no matter what he does, but I think he feels like the least he can do is go see her for a while every day.  He has had lots of free time since his surgery, but he is about ready to get back to golfing and fishing.  😀. I'm looking for him to slack off on his visits if he can get back to his hobbies.  I am starting to back off from going with him every day. I have tried getting her to participate in activities by saying I will go with her, but she is just determined not to join in. She wants to stay in her room all the time. They won't let her stay in the bed all the time, of course, and if she is in her wheelchair, she will try to go into bathroom alone and she has fallen a few times from this. She cannot get from her wheelchair to another chair and if she is not monitored, she will try to get out of it, too. She can push herself around and she is bad about going into other people's rooms and will actually get things that she says are hers.  I don't think he is anticipating being overcome with grief when she dies. I know I was relieved when my own mother died and I'm sure he will feel the same way. I think he just feels guilty because she acts so miserable all the time. I tell him it is not his fault she is in the nursing home. It's actually her fault. She was supposed to be using her walker all the time at the AL home and she didn't think she needed it and wouldn't use it much. So she fell.  I really don't think she would notice if we skipped a day now and then.  Hoping to try this.  
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Thanks, I am going to try some of these suggestions.
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I know this might be a stretch - Is there a staff member, like an Activities Director or a head nurse that you might be able to take as a partner?

During an upcoming visit say you left something in the car - whatever - and talk with this person and explain how the daily visits are negitivly effecting your hubby and your relationship. See if they might be willing to take hubby aside on an upcoming visit and present the idea that the daily visits are keeping his mother from better adjusting - would he be willing to cut back to a few times a week - just for awhile to see what happens? But it should at least be for two weeks to give it a fair shot.

If this is doable I'll bet that after the two weeks hubby will maintain the new schedule.
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What good is coming from visiting your MIL everyday? You are making things worse by enabling your husband to visit his mother every day. At some point you have to decide what you want to do with your time. Do you think your resentment is going to go away? It's only going to get worse!
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Joanne, another thing I had noticed with my own parents, the older they got, I never aged to them. At 70 years old, I was still 35 to them and they thought I could still do everything I did back them. Like carrying around bags of mulch for their yard. Well that ship sailed a decade ago and my parents never got the memo.
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Wishing you the best Joanne656!
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Joanne, each caregiver settles into what works for him/her. When I put my Mom into a memory care place I did visit every day unless I knew my brother would visit that day. It was just my thing. I looked at the schedule of activities and decided my Mom would more enjoy the afternoon activities. So I typically visited in the morning. Often, I would arrive before breakfast was over. I would take my Mom for a walk (in her wheelchair) or on the walker when she was able. In nice weather, I would take her out to the gardens. I would giver her a 'facial'. Nice cream being gently applied to her face. Hand cream for her hands. Other times I would give her a manicure. Sometimes I would say prayers with her. Often I would sing 'the old songs' with her. I like your idea of alternating days of your visits. Tell hubby it is just temporary til he relieves some of his stress. Even more I like the idea of the cruise. TOTAL relaxation.
I'd also suggest that both of you read up on dementia. There are great books and the alzheimers werbsite has info on all dementias. Memory loss means that MIL doesn't remember that you were there yesterday. My Mom greeted me one day with 'gee I have't seen you in a long time!" I had been there the past 5 days! LOL Great ideas above too. Good luck and keep us posted.
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When my mother was first in the nursing home we (my 3 sisters and I, separately on different days) often showed up at activity times. We went with her to the sing along, the beading craft, the bingo game, the movie-and-popcorn event. Then after she was used to the activities and let the aides push her wheelchair to the activities we deliberately visited outside of activity times. Then she had both the activity and a visit to look forward to.

Every day may or may not be too much for MIL but it is obviously too much for the two of you. Cut back.
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Fear, obligation, guilt, and anticipatory guilt!!
Yep that's me, but I'm getting better at detaching some and I feel much better!!!
Thanks to these friends here giving advice and reading here every day ! thank you so much
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I have a friend (adult child caregiver) who used to visit her mom in the nursing home everyday. Finally, the mother's DOCTOR told friend to stop all that visiting. That it would harm her doing that and it wasn't helping her mom. So, she switched to 2-3 times per week and that worked out fine. Honestly, I don't think that people listen to reason that much. Maybe, advice from his doctor will help.

I like the part about carrying germs into the residents. And if that doesn't work, I might have to let husband do it alone. He may suffer, but, maybe that's what it will take for him to use some discretion and see that's it too much.

Can you hire a professional visitor to go everyday for an hour? I know some people who have done that and it worked well. They are introduced in a number of ways, not as a paid professional, but, are cheerful, kind and eager to listen to the senior. It develops in to a nice relationship. The ones I know work through an agency and these are trained professionals.
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Joanne656, if your hubby has a real need to see his mother daily, do NOT go right after lunch, usually that is when the facility schedules their social hour and other activities. If his Mother doesn't join in, well that is her own right not to do so. My Dad [95] wasn't a joiner, he was happy sitting in his recliner reading or watch 24 hour news.

I use to visit my Dad just before dinner, then I didn't need to stay long as he would be in his walker heading down to the dining room.... that man would never miss a meal :)

Dad did have an outside caregiver from an Agency, she would come mornings only. She got him to get some exercise, and go try different things at the facility. She was worth every penny, and was with Dad for a whole year.
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Has he always been overly attached to his mother or is this recent?

If it is recent, then he is likely suffering from anticipatory grief.

If it is not recent, then he is emotionally enmeshed with her as seen in fear of not keeping her happy, feeling obligated to visit every day and feeling guilt for not keeping her happy or seeing her every day.

Either way, he needs to see a therapist.
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Barb,
Good answer! There is not enough information, but is it possible her husband could be suffering from the f.o.g.?

Joanne, The f.o.g. is fear, obligation, and guilt.
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Is your husband seeing a psychiatrist for HIS anxiety and depression?

It sounds like he's having what is sometimes called anticipatory grief.
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Thanks! She is already on meds for depression and anxiety. Maybe they need adjusting. Will talk to the staff that and about her participating more. She is very headstrong and just flat out refuses to do the crafts or games. She thinks they are silly. And she has seen a psychologist. Am seriously considering a vacation. Just received info about a cruise! Convincing my husband is the problem. May tell him I will go alone! No, he is the one who is stressed out. I'm Just tired of the whole situation.
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Use facts to convince your husband:
1) People with illnesses should not bring their germs to nursing homes where the patients have compromised immunity. You said:"He has also been sick for the last month with colds sore throats and congestion."

If his brother is also going, schedule every other day, going on separate days.

Did you both visit daily when she lived alone?  Isn't she basically "living" there now?
An outside caregiver can be hired to go on the days you cannot go.

Meet with the director, ask how to change your Mil's expectations of a daily visit.  Start by getting her to meet you in the community room, this will get her out of her room.  Does she have a roommate?  Hubs should not be going in there sick.

If it boils down to you not going, save yourself first.  You are amazing that you have done this for so long.  
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