How can I convince my father enough is enough?

Was your Dad always so selfish and nasty or has he only become this way in the past years? If the former, look up narcissistic personality disorder and borderline disorder. If it only developed in his elder years, the problem could be dementia and/or lack of oxygen to the brain from his COPD or feature of his other health ailments. There may be strategies or medications that will help with the latter. If he has a lifelong personality disorder, then ... no hope of improvement in him, but you may learn better ways to cope or detach and save your sanity. My heart goes out to you -- I know this feels like living in a waking nightmare.

Your dad has shown absolutely no consideration for your feelings or making this easier for you - in fact - he expects you to be his slave. Expecting to reason with him or cry and argue and he'll change - won't happen.

You say you are done - then be done. What are you willing to do to make this happen? If you want him out - research options pegged to his income (my mom lives in senior housing pegged to 30% of her income, she gets SNAP for food assistance) for housing and food. Give those to him. He won't move out but he will have options when you start the eviction process - because that is what you are likely to have to do to get this monster out of your house.

How willing are you to be tough and take your life back?

Hey dad, did you hear, HELL JUST FROZE OVER. Looks like you are moving and you don't have a choice.

As he said, this is your house and you are the boss. His treatment of you is abusive and you DO NOT need to accept it.

I would take him to a men's shelter and let them deal with him. This behavior will kill you and he has made it clear he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but time to take your life into your own hands and send him packing, I don't care what his diagnosis is, he can go live his life on his terms out of your house.

Hugs! You can do it!

You ask: " How can I get my dad to understand?"

You can't. It is time to choose -- your life or his?

Did your younger sister escape this abuse? You escape, too!

You are worth it. Get away from this abusive father. He is not your responsibility. Please believe this.

You can't make him understand. He will not understand. He doesn't NEED to understand. You need to take charge of your own life, now. He is 77 and ill. The next time he goes to hospital you need to tell them the day he arrives in the ER that you WILL NOT be taking him home with you and that he now needs placement. You will be beset at once by social workers promising you help saying "We can make this work". You will not get help and it will not work (I spent my life as a nurse and know this). You need to tell them that your care of him has made you mentally ill and that you will be taking care of yourself and his two dogs now. Plan for this. Do not SPEAK about this to him or to anyone else. You know he will eventually, with this onslaught list of illnesses be needing hospitalization. Plan ahead for this, set it in your mind what you need to say. NO ARGUMENT and NO DISCUSSION. Just a flat statement over and over as many times as you must say it "I am truly sorry but I WILL NOT be taking my father back into my home. I am unable now to care for him. Please arrange placement". If your father did not have you there the same thing would happen to him. The mistake was taking him into your home. That is done and there is no changing it. As to "he gets mad", who cares?

You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. Hindsight, as they say is 20/20. When he was younger and healthy you and sister should have let him fend for himself after mom died. He wouldn’t like it, but he could have done it. He won’t like this either, but he will have to get used to it. It sounds like he has been verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling your whole life and you were never “allowed” to have a voice or opinion. Most likely mom was also verbally and emotionally abused and waited on him hand and foot and that was encouraged in you as well. I’m sorry for that. I’m glad you have woken up and realized that you can’t and won’t take it any more.
What are his finances like? Can he afford an AL place? Or will he need Medicaid? Sounds like time to start checking in to places nearby, and line up your top two options and then tell him “Dad, I cannot and will not take care of you any more. It is killing me physically and emotionally and I cannot do it anymore. You may not care about my well being as evidenced by how you treat me, but I do, and it’s past time for me to take a stand. I have done some research and these are your 2 best options. You will be moving to A or B next week-you choose.” And the FOLLOW THROUGH! Find a friend or family member with a backbone and have them be with you when you tell him. And no matter how nasty he gets, and he will get nasty, DON’T BACK DOWN. If he physically threatens you in any way, go outside and call 911-press charges if you have to, or have them take him to a hospital to be evaluated.
It will not be a reasonable and rational ordeal, but there is light ant the end of the tunnel and we’ve got your back to support you!

My first question. Does Dad get SS? If so, is he contributing? He should be.

He sounds so much like my Dad. Even the health problems. He felt it was everyones job to wait on him. I bet ur Mom waited on him hand and foot. In hindsight, you should have set boundries as you went along. My response when my MIL felt I should have done something for my DH "He is a big boy". My husband runs a vacuum, cleans up after himself, washes his own clothes. I worked days, he worked nights. While I worked, he stripped beds, washed the sheets, dried and put them back on the bed. He washed everything but my clothes. This I would not allow.

You now have a monster. Not sure how you are going to solve this problem. My Dad died at 79 with most of the problems u list. Up to then, he felt it was Moms duty to wait on him still. She asked him one time "when do I get to retire"? His response "Never". At that time Dad had been on disability for 25 yrs.

Dad must get SS. Start looking for Senior Apartments that are run by HUDD. The one where I live is very nice. Lets say he gets 1000 a month. They take a third for his rent. The rest is his for food, electric and cable. They may even supply transportation to take him shopping and to appts. Get him on the list now. Some have a waiting list. He can sign up for foodstamps. Does he have secondary health insurance? If its not Medicaid, check it out. He then will get insurance, vision, dental and prescriptions. They have transportation services too. He may qualify for homecare. They go by his income, not yours.

Call your Office of Aging and see what resources they provide.

I really don't think you are going to change him now. But, you deserve respect in ur home. Don't be at his beck and call. Use the second job as an accuse not to do as much for him. Like, sorry I am just too tired. When he said that you took the second job so you didn't have to take care of him u should have told him he was right. Better than having to take his verbal abuse (that's what it is) and no respect for what you do for him.

I would not fight with him, its a losing battle. My Dad loved to engage. I am very good at the silent treatment. Just walk away. When he says something to u about the silence, tell him when he starts respecting u, you will talk. This used to bug my Dad. Baby steps.

I would try to have him assign you POA for financial and medical. You can tell him it so you can tell drs. what his wishes are or they will do what they want. With your fathers problems, Dementia is not far away. Once he is declared incompetent you could place him in LTC on Medicaid if he has no money other than SS. He is a self centered man. He doesn't see where his actions effect other people. My Dad loved to get a rise out of people and I fed right into it. And got mad at myself when I did. I loved my Dad. He had his good moments. But I would have never cared for him or had him in my home. I would not have survived it. TG he passed b/f Mom and she had 11 peaceful years. With all Dad had wrong with him, his verbal abuse would just have gotten worse.

If Dad goes to the hospital and then rehab, this is when you have him evaluated for LTC. If he hits the criteria, tell them you can no longer care for him. Hopefully there is a LTC facility attached to the rehab. He can be transferred over to LTC and you can apply for Medicaid if Dad has no money but SS. Do this when he first enters rehab. Medicare determines how long he stays. The 100 days Medicare allows is not a given. He could be released anytime before that.

This is not sounding good & quite abusive. He does not give a dang about you. Was he was always like this?

You cannot convince him of anything, he has been spoiled rotten, and you have allowed this to happen. No one has a right to abuse you. Next time he goes to the hospital and possibly rehab make it clear that he will not be coming home with you and will have to be placed somewhere else. Only you can put an end to this, set your boundary and stick to it. In the meantime, if he gets physically violent or totally out of control call 911 and file charges against him, that will speed up the process. Good Luck.

Enough is more than enough.

But to be blunt, if you were a person with a standard concept of what constitutes "enough" you wouldn't be in this situation. You and your sister would have passed that point over a decade ago.

So: you were 19, your sister younger when you sadly lost your mother. Looking after your father began then - were you compensating? - and snowballed, and your sister got away but you didn't.

I think you're going to need more direct help than you can get from a forum. You'll have to work with someone who can really see into how your situation developed and what habits of thinking you have to break. Have you ever tried anything like that?

As far as your father goes, it actually isn't a problem because it is your decision. You move, you leave, you evict him, whatever. It'll be you who acts. But the *difficulty* is going to be permitting yourself to do that, and I can't see you doing it alone. Can you?

Just to pile on here...

You will not convince your dad of anything. He will not change.

It is only within your "locus of control" to change your reaction to this untenable situation.

Do you rent or own? You can move. "Dad, I'm not renewing the lease. I'll be moving in a month's time without you."

You can stop cooking and cleaning for him.

You can start eviction proceedings.

You can call the Area Agency ON Aging and get a needs assessment and tell them that you will be "moving on" and will no longer be available to care for him.

Can you do this? Only you know the answer to that. Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you are in need of one to help you resolve this situation before you sacrifice anymore of your life to this b@st@rd.

He said it himself; its "your" house. Take back the power.

There is no convincing your father. He’s got total control over you and he knows it. He probably either hates or despises women, since he has lorded his nasty behavior over all the women in his life. You have been brainwashed to believe it’s OK for him to be that way. And you comply!!

“We fight constantly.” Why? Because you want him to do something that he has no plans of ever doing. And why should he? He knows you’ll do it. He has control over you. You ARE his slave and he gets off on his power over you. It will only get better when YOU take control of your own life.

He derives pleasure by degrading you verbally by calling you a b*tch. Why do you let him demean you that way? Do you have ANY self esteem left or has he whipped it all out of you? He believes he’s the king and everybody should bow down to him. Well what about you?
Obviously you don’t believe in yourself or you would have kicked him out a long time ago.

You need the assistance of a therapist to first sort out your feelings, then process and deal with them, then start the long process to build self esteem and self love. When you get to that point, you won’t bother “trying to convince him”. Your desires are what matters and you will take steps to get him out of your home. You do not owe him an explanation nor should you apologize. After therapy you will have a backbone and will not have any GUILT in living your life. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says.

Would you let him treat your daughter this way? Would you treat anybody this way? You need to see that this is improper behavior. He has a mental disorder but doesn’t realize it. Do not take what he says to heart. Believe in yourself. Do what is best for you because he doesn’t give a damn about you.

Your approach is not in your own best interest. Continue sharing a home a force him to hire a servant. Get off the antidepressants and start seeking joy in your life. Better yet sell your home and move to another state. Start over free.
My intention here is not to be cruel like him. Just woman to woman who also has a controlling selfish bitter old dad.

It sounds like your dad is a narcissist. You seem so used to being controlled and abused that you have lost a sense of how your life should be. Please change your situation now and stop pussyfooting around the man who is sucking the life out of you. You have every right to have a good life even if he doesn't want you to. Stand up to the man and make arrangements for him to go elsewhere before it's too late for you. X

I’m in 100% agreement with every other poster. My only question is, since she’s not only desperate for her independence, but on the verge of a mental breakdown, why does she have to wait until the next time he’s hospitalized for him to relocate? Isn’t there some place she can call like an assisted living that can pick him up for both of their safety - before she’s hospitalized herself? Or does she need medical and financial POA first?

"How can I get my dad to understand?" You can't. You won't. He doesn't want to understand. Accept that.

By doing everything for him you enabled him. Enabling is disabling. He has learned helplessness and, in the process, has become a mean, angry, abusive old man.

I recognize that you don't have a lot of free time but only you can help yourself and initiate the changes that need to happen. Start looking for senior housing that's within his budget. You may need to look within a 50-mile radius or further in order to find one. On your own or with a trusted friend, start touring some places. Make a *short* list of the ones that meet his needs, schedule a tour, and take him to visit them. Then it's time to stand up to your father and ***tell him*** he is moving into his own place.

If he lands in the hospital while you're working on getting him moved out of your home and into a community for seniors, be clear with the discharge planner that he cannot be safely discharged to home and he needs to be placed in a care facility. Stand firm.

Move out..... Tell him you found a boy friend and you're going to live with him!!!

My suggestion:
Maybe if you made a plan that your comfortable with, take it one step at a time.
I like to make lists.
You know his financial information. Now find places where he can live. Determine if he may need government assistance. Read about the qualifications. If he qualifies get the paperwork done as much as possible. Don’t tell your dad anything, it will only cause fights. Just get everything in place and there will come the moment when your dad will be out of your house for a Dr. appointment or if he’s in the hospital even better and when it comes time to take him home, instead he’s taken to his new living location.
I did this for my self with my mom. For a year she was mad and uncooperative. Fast forward 6 years. She accepts this where she needs to be.

Since your time is limited, see if you can find a private certified elder care specialist who knows the facilities in your community and can give you guidance and take you on tours. Thet get paid by the facility when you place your father. Skip the name brand agencies, they are a waste of time..

Step 1: don't cook for him
Step 2: don't clean up after him
Step 3: don't take him anywhere
Step 4: don't talk to him
Step 5: since he's capable of back talking you, he's also capable of taking care of himself. His dogs can be put in a doggie day care and he can pay for it. The next time he calls you the "b" word, call him an old bastard since he seems to like using that kind of language. Make things so uncomfortable for him that he'll have to leave. And stick to your guns. Two can play games like that and he needs a taste of his own medicine at this stage of his life. Pride goes before the fall. ;-)

Imagine yourself reading this post as if it came from a stranger. What would you tell this person to do?

Your father cannot take advantage of you without your agreement. The help you are looking for can only come from you.

First step: learn to say no.

Your father sounds like a lifelong narcissist. You MUST defend yourself - not just for you,tho you must take care of yourself first - but also for him; if you keep up this routine, you won’t be available to him!! You’ll need more help than he does!
You’ve got to tell him (!kindly but with absolute firmness) that the situation has to change immediately.
He must go where he can get care, because you can’t bear this burden any longer. PERIOD. EXCLAMATION
POINT!
I won’t belabor my point; everyone who’s been where you are would recognize that you’ve pretty much reached the breaking point. I wish you the strength & courage to take charge...

Goodness! So much selfishness on these comments. Both of them are victims of life, think of the Father too, sick and also lost a loved one, grieving is not easy and takes many many years to cope. Feeling useless makes him angry, sad and depressed, his attitude gets worse if you throw it back at his face. The Son is also a victim coping with his Dad's condition, frustrated and feeling like a slave. They don't understand each others situation. To the Son I would ask if he has considered having a serious conversation with his father, expressing frustration and involving the father in looking for a solution to both their situations, maybe tap into government aid such as someone that could come twice of three times a week to assist with care and so forth.

Oh my dear, slow down and breathe.
There are plenty of Senior retirement apartments(55+) out there. Assited and non assisted however they are not cheap. Look under Assisted living or retirement communities in your area.
Another option could be a Male in home care provider. Your father might not tend to be so nasty with a Male stranger. They are trained to deal with extreme cases. They run around $20 an hour.
Your fathers words and attitude sound flat out abusive. Has he always been this way, prior to your mothers passing?
Is it possible to get him into a physician for a physical? UTI's often cause extreme behaviors in people. Might not be the problem but worth checking. You Can get UTI kit at pharmacy if you think he will self test.
Every county has a office on ageing. They may have suggestions for you(housing options etc.) You might want to discuss how to turn him over as a ward to the state.
I would also speak to an Elder Care attorney. Consultation should be free. See what your legal options are.
Next, you need to be taking more care of you. Tell him the nastier he gets the longer you will stay away getting a massage, pedicure, library whatever. He might verbally abuse when b you get back but remind him why you were gone. See a counselor, support group etc.
I know these aren't quick fix answers but at least maybe will give you some hope.

You have a 27 year history of doing everything for someone. This will not get better overnight. One step at a time.
-Why did you begin cleaning house and doing everything for a man who was 50 years old and capable of getting himself to/from work, ability to get his own lunch during the workday, put gas in the car to get to work, etc? Probably because you felt bad for him after wife died, but YOU took it to the extreme and made him become totally dependent on you. At 50 and employable, he could have cooked supper and cleaned his own house. Not to mention, it may have gotten him out of the house to socialize with others and perhaps found another wife.
-Was he verbally abusive to his wife? And to his family prior to your mom passing away? Did his wife wait on him hand and foot and take the abusive words? Were his parents hard to get along with? It may be he has not changed at all. There is a good chance you putting yourself in the role of being a whipping post was a learned behavior that you grew up with.
-Go see a psychiatrist to help get you a plan on how to reverse your own participation in his meanness. It may involve getting adult protective involved to force his hand if it means moving him to an apartment (if he can live independently with current health issues) or to an assisted living facility. It may involve him using his own income (he should have social security and possibly retirement income) to pay for in-home care if moving him is not something you can do.
-If you had to take a second job, is it because of your own bills or to pay for things for him. Is he contributing any money from his income? If not, that needs to be addressed immediately. He needs to understand that his money needs to be used to pay for his needs. Again, a psychiatrist can help you create the plan to unravel what you started many, many years ago.

I hope he's contributing to the expenses of your household.  Whatever the financial arrangement, it needs to change.  This arrangement is sucking the life out of you, as many have said.   The dogs need to be his responsibility ... or they need a new home.  If he won't do anything, you need help running the household - which he should pay for too. A personal assistant a couple days during the week should be considered.

I don't know who owns the house you live in. If it is his house, save up your money and leave. A studio apartment sleeping on the floor is better than what you have. I know, I had a one bedroom apartment with no furniture. I didn't even have a refrigerator, just a foam ice chest. I remember like it was this morning, waking up after sleeping on the floor, I looked out the window and felt like someone had let me out of jail. One of the most wonderful feelings in the world. Don't give him your phone number, don't argue or threaten, just save up your money and do it.

You need to get with a good therapist who can teach you to say "no". It took me over three weeks to do that. I hope you can learn faster than I did.

Hugs to you, it will be scary but you CAN do this.

You can't convince him. He's a selfish bum! He is stealing your life! You have done enough. He needs to live in a place where staff can take care of him. He would have lots of company and things to do. Hope you can get him out of your life before you get to hate him. You can never get back the time you have spent on him. He was fairly young when you became caretaker. He could live another 10 years or more. You have done more than enough. You are wearing yourself out.
I am older than your father and I have conditions also but I moved myself to a nice place 8 years ago. I planned for my retirement and healthcare. I would never make my children give up there lives to take care of me. I have friends where I live and lots to do. We all need to care for ourselves and not hold our children hostage to our miserable grumpy old selves.

There has been much wisdom and kindness expressed here. I think you will need a good therapist and a smart lawyer--in that order. Your lives are so entangled that even with a clear mind, good heart, and determination you will need real help detaching from this life. This lifestyle has become your adult life, and it will be no small thing to change it. I am particularly touched by the respondent's comment that the studio apartment with no furniture was "freedom". Good luck and God bless.