Throws my food in garbage; leaves freezer open and ruins all food; etc. Are there books I can buy or instructions on how to be more understanding when these things occur? Thanks for any info to help.
Google Teepa Snow and watch her videos on youtube. You need to understand what is happening to her. She has no control over what she does. Her brain is failing. I know it is frustrating to you because you probably feel like so much is intentional on her part, but it isn't. She would probably be horrified to know she is doing what she is doing, if she was in her right mind. Teepa Snow's videos helped me understand what was happening to my mother when dementia first hit out of no where. You also need to understand this isn't going to get any better or easier. If you are already frustrated now, and I've been there so I understand, you probably need to go ahead and research Assisted Living facilities to place her in. Look for one that will let you transition to Medicaid if you run out of money. While you are doing that, you should also consult with an elder care attorney who can help guide you along the way and protect assets for your care later, while still providing for your wife during this time.
If the food is getting ruined from the freezer being left open, it has to be for very long periods of time. Is your wife being left alone? If so, you need to rethink the entire situation including how "early" her stage of Alzheimer's truly is. Go to Alzheimers.org and read all about the disease, the stages, and get helpful tips on what to do and not do. Teepa Snow videos are excellent, as was stated, and a recommendation from me as well.
You need to start thinking about the dangers that are present in your home right now, and how your wife may get into trouble. For example, mixing ammonia and bleach together to clean and asphyxiating herself. Or trying to cook and leaving a pot on the stove. Or wandering off in the middle of the night. There are a ton of possibilities for what could happen to her if she's not closely watched 24/7 which is impossible for you to do, realistically. If she's not yet at the stage where she's exhibiting dangerous behaviors, it may not be far off.
You may want to look into Memory Care Assisted Living homes for your wife. I work in one and can tell you that I see lots of husband's and wives who have placed their spouse when they became too much to handle at home. Some come to visit twice a day and have a much better relationship now that they've relinquished their caregiver role.
Think about it as you read all about Alzheimer's and what to expect moving forward. Teepa Snow is on YouTube and particularly good at explaining the difficulties and frustrations associated with this dreadful disease. Knowledge is power.
To be fair, the freezer door can be left cracked open and you don't really notice it or perhaps is not in the main kitchen area. I've discovered my freezer door cracked open when someone 'stuffed' things inside and it didn't seal properly. So it may not have been because she was left alone.
Sounds like it's time to dementia proof your house. I also agree that this behavior may or may not be early AZ.
You aren't going to change her, you are only able to change your reaction to her behaviors. Perhaps you need to try to accept and understand that her brain is broken and it's not likely to improve. How can you keep her safe and keep your sanity?
Do you get breaks? You could be burnt out if your're getting frustrated. Well, it may always be frustrating on some level, but should be more tolerable with a little education on your part and a little bit of time away from your wife so that you can recharge your own battery.
It's a matter of adjusting your mindset and accepting that she has no control over these actions any more than someone with any other disease can control their symptoms - you wouldn't be mad if she had cancer and was throwing up after chemo treatments, would you?
Well, that's a good analogy to remember. Thanks. Although my mother has been a nasty and spiteful little witch long before dementia mixed type...so you can't be so sure. I feel from observations even with her beloved hubby of 70+ years that she is finally saying what she really wants and feels and she has always been unhappy with her life and the Grand Martyr of her parade. The dementia just makes it worse.
When this happens with my mom I think about how her "prior" self used to be. I think about how I would want others to treat me if I were the one with the broken brain and could no longer help my behaviors or words. It's hard. Gonna get harder. Please educate yourself, get breaks, look upon her with mercy and compassion. May you attain peace in your heart as you go on this journey with her.
Unfortunately this is the new normal as your dear Wife can not avoid making this errors since Her brain is sick. I would suggest you take over the cooking and house work and reverse roles and tell Wife its your turn to spoil Her. Remain calm as anger can not help as it only creates a bad atmosphere. You will have to realise that life can never be as it was. Make this time that you have joyful and fun and make beautiful new memories. Persue the pleasures that your Wife always loved to do, eg trips to the coast, a meal out together, listen to classical music, what ever it is but enjoy each other's company.
As she becomes a different person, you must also be different with her. It takes time to adjust, so don't get mad at yourself for your reactions. Eventually you learn to expect something going wrong and avoid those errors by being sure to take care of them yourself and watching her closely. You can't do it alone. Get help. It will be okay, just different.
While this is frustrating, exhausting for you imagine how it is for her. To look at an object and either not know what it is or to realize that you have forgotten how to use something that you know you have used most of your life. You can try to prevent some of the things from happening. Give her a task that she can do while you make dinner, or heat up a dinner. Put a lock on the freezer and refrigerator so that she can not open it. If she asks just say "it's stuck I will fix it later". Get a little refrigerator for her for snacks is she wants to snack during the day. (If she doesn't now that may come) A few hints for you. 1. Do not yell. It will frighten her, make her nervous and she does not know why you are yelling. 2. Do not argue. You will NEVER win an argument with a person that has any form of dementia. 3. If you have friends or family that ask if they can do anything to help say YES. Ask if someone can pick up a gallon of milk and bring it by. If there is someone that your wife likes and trusts ask if they can stop by and visit with her while you run to the store to get a few things or get a haircut, or visit the dentist and so on. 4. Decide now at what point will you have to consider placing her in Memory Care. For me it was Safety. As long as my Husband was safe while I cared for him at home, as long as I was safe while I cared for him at home that is where he would stay. (and with the help of Hospice and the VA I was able to keep him home, that and the fact that he was very compliant and never violent) 5. Find a good support group. 6. If there is Adult Day Care in your area get her going there for as long as she is able. And the 36 Hour Day is a good book.
As far as the decisions you will have to make...There are no "right or wrong" ones. It is a decision you make at the time with the best interests of your wife and you in mind. As long as you can put your head on your pillow at night and you can tell yourself that you did the best you could that day there is nothing you should regret and you can sleep well knowing that you did the best that you could.
Wonderful response! I agree with everything you mentioned here:)
I loved the book, The 36-Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins It explains things so well. It definitely helped me to understand what brain disease is, the different types and how to put myself in that perspective as well.
Your wife is not doing anything on purpose, her judgement, reasoning, and cognition is slowly deteriorating. She can perceive emotions...highly, so try not to show anger/frustration it will just make things worse for the both of you. You will need to learn that white lies are harmless and to let the little things and sometimes big things go too...I know I did, very quickly. I have locks on my cleaning supplies cabinet, medicine cabinet, refrigerator, and childproof knobs on my stove, now that I think about it I should also cover electrical outlets! I bought my mom activity toys to keep her busy, she needs to do something ALL day, TV is not cutting it. There are activity items for Alzheimer/Dementia but they are also expensive, I bought things that are also good for a toddler they worked for me and my mom is happy...colorful stickers on construction paper, Lincoln Logs, matching games with colors, shapes, letters, crayons and coloring books. I went from being a single working gal to having an 83 yr old daughter, it’s a life changing event for both!
This will be your ultimate challenge in your life, you do it all out of LOVE...whether you do it yourself until you can or you give that challenge to someone else or someplace else that has a team you are comfortable with. I’m 45 yrs old and resigned from my job last year to do this 24/7, I’m constantly researching and reading on this terrible disease. It will be hard without a doubt but there are joyful & pleasant times with your loved one too. So gentle hugs, caressing on her hand, a light back rub goes a long way.
Good luck, and I hope you make the decision that’s best for you.
We are now 11years into my husbands ALZ diagnosis. I remember how annoying it was the first couple of years when he would forget things or I would need to repeat things over and over. When he stopped the van on a very busy Blvd in Jacksonville, FL to tell me he didn’t know where we were going I had to become the full time driver. About four years into the disease he became bladder incontinent; it was then that I realized forgetting things and repeating myself was not all that much to handle. With each passing year things just got worse, and I never thought I could change that many adult diapers. A couple years back Bill would take everything out of the freezer and just leave it out. I tried putting signs on and in the freezer, but it didn’t help. I then just put the “good stuff” in the back freezer (it’s in the laundry room) and kept the door locked so he couldn’t get to it. He will be 91 in a few weeks, and we are almost 11years into ALZ. I can honestly say that until you can look back it’s almost impossible to know that this stage (whatever stage that might be) isn’t that bad. I do get frustrated and even snap at him at times. I can snap at him and make him angry for just a moment, and in the next second he will ask “what are we doing today?” With no memory of being angry. His behaviors cannot be corrected. I have decided that if getting upset helps me get through the moment then it’s absolutely okay. Most of the time I acknowledge (to myself) that getting upset is just going to drag out the episode; although occasionally I acknowledge that it okay to be upset, angry, and even disgusted because being a caregiver can sometimes be ugly. While your wife’s illness will not get better, I assure you your understanding will. See if there is a support group in your area, it’s nice to hear others express things you may be experiencing and feeling guilty about. Realizing you are not alone and having a place to vent is very beneficial.
Sending you a hug as I sit here catching myself after some ugly moments. Mom has neglected hygiene but would at least go to hair appts and the nail person next to hair guy files her nails which she neglects due to the dementia. Dad is 102, active and deaf so communication is a challenge. However he had a note with her hair appts and he forgot. It was quiet and I thought they had left while I was otherwise occupied...but no...so at 12:47 I informed him and there the Queen sits, with a shirt and pants on under her blue furry robe and totally unwilling and uncooperative as far as going. So we wind up paying for the lost time of the hairdresser who cannot squeeze her in the rest of the day. I think they got out in time to get the nails filed. There was name calling earlier and I know she meant every word. Decades held back. ANd I also know she'll forget in the next moment. I stopped worrying long ago, and am often grateful my father cannot hear what I am saying:-)
Enlist an Elder Care Attorney as soon as possible. They are not cheap but depending on your financial situation are very helpful in Medicare/Medicaid applications. My Attorney also helped with placement of my wife in a skilled nursing facility (which is necessary for Medicaid in some states). Do not be shy about asking for help from relatives and friends, you CANNOT handle everything by yourself. Good luck and remember you can't help your wife if you get sick from stress and depression.
Such wonderful answers from others who are or have been in similar situations. I'm person support groups are helpful, too, if you are able to leave your wife alone or in another's care long enough to attend.
Support groups are going to be by conference call due to Corona for now it seems, but they can be a good thing in the right group with a good facilitator. Sometimes the groups can arrange for someone to be with or watch the person who is ill.
There is NO way for someone to be understanding of someone who has Alzheimers - it is impossible because of their minds and physical behaviors. Unless YOU want to go totally insane or explode and murder someone, you MUST face the fact that they are mentally gone and nothing will ever go right. There is only one thing you can do. You MUST PUT THEM INTO A FACILITY WHERE THEY WILL BE SAFE AND CARED FOR BY TRAINED PEOPLE. No one should be expected to be able to handle them or care for them without disasters constantlty. Sad but true. Or aren't YOU worth it?
I disagree. While I may not be one of them, some people do have the ability and compassion and dedication to care for someone. There are good days or calm days with these people, and the answer is not to just put them somewhere. Respite and other in-home help is often available and certainly for some finances come into play and other issues.
Find someone to care for your wife so you can have alone time. I think yoga and meditation have helped me de-stress and meet the challenges of caring for my mother, but there are lots of things you might do instead that relax you and make you happy. The key is to take care of yourself first so you can be a better person for your wife, have a sense of humor whenever possible, and don't beat yourself up for getting mad or frustrated sometimes--it's going to happen.
Acceptance is the first step that your wife is in the early stage of Alzheimer's.
To learn how to deal with your wife's behavior from this disease (which she can not help) I suggest watching youtube Teepa Snow video's. I found them very instructional on how to deal with my elderly Mom.
I was going to recommend Teepa Snow's videos and books. Also, try meditation - try to interrupt your automatic responses with a one (or more) deep breathes, acknowledging you feel xxx (angry, frustration, going batty), and train yourself to shift to another 'inner place' . . . the shifting or ability to shift is key. Just being willing will help you shift. I would also recommend getting a caregiver in, even an hour or two a day if you can. Give yourself a break. And, for critical behavior such as leaving the stove burners on or overflowing the bathtub, you may need more care-givers and/or consider if other steps are in order. Talk to a social worker if you can; the Alz Association (and Teepa Snow) personnel are very compassionate and understanding. Call them. You might benefit from a support group. Thanks for writing here. It not only helps and provides you support, it helps all of us deal with this. And, as I often or not often enough say to myself "But for the Grace of God Go I" (It is the only religious phrase I know).
My2cents makes some good points and I’m grateful for them. My husband would not willfully spoil or damage things for the world. And while he doesn’t leave the freezer open, he does frequently neglect to close it or the refrigerator completely, resulting in the same outcome unless I catch it quickly. He will also leave the water running and walk off, or leave it running in the middle of the night until I get up to turn it off. He seems compelled to try to work the pool controls and gets hurt (for a minute) when I ask him not to change any settings because it is just as the pool service set it. (That helps him leave it alone because it’s not “me” that’s trying to run the pool stuff (something I have very recently had to learn to do, of course). Just some additional thoughts on the randomness and the lack of intention of their behavior sometimes.
There are good books out there. One by Gail Sheehy, titled "Passages in Caregiving, Turning Chaos into Confidence." Helped me. Couple of excerpts ...."Good advice which I pass on. I had dismissed self-care as selfish. Nonsense, Self-Care is survival. It is not thinking about yourself more, it is thinking more of yourself." And "There is an important difference between denial and hope." Hope you can find this book! Good luck to you. You are not alone.
I so feel your angst. If I yell (when mom is not present) or get angry it makes my poor pup feel like she has been bad and so I try even harder not to. Some of these dementia behaviors are just totally, totally maddening, frustrating. The energy it takes to clean up messes, the energy to replenish the groceries, the financial costs...For well over a year my mother was constantly CONSTANTLY playing with the dial in the fridge making it warmer...sometimes in the danger zone. Food was spoiling. Yet, she was sharp enough when confronted to say "Dad doesn't like his juice cold". No one had any suggestions...One day enraged for the upteenth time (not to mention it's not good for our BP), I pulled on the damn knob, and it came straight off. It was finally resolved completely with the purchase of a new fridge and a digital indicator up at the top she cannot figure out. The godsend: LOCKS. Oh yeah, and they make them. For now we're approaching this piece-meal...So I got a "Safety 1st" brand lock that looks like a strap. They adhere with super strong adhesive pads. That's on one of the bins in the fridge. It has a diversion button front and center but that's not how it operates...it actually has to be squeezed from the sides and that part doesn't show. A HUGE BLESSING in my life, as now certain of my food items are safe and not cross-contaminated or touched with dirty fingers. Or dinner isn't nibbled before I make it for them...THere are also Safety 1st flexible cupboard locks with a similar way of operation, but they don't stick. I haven't figured out how to stop her from spitting grape skins in the rubber gasket of the sink drain which is very disgusting. We have a PO Box so most of our mail is going there and she can't get it. Anything that comes to the home can be snatched and ripped before you see it. We dumped the trash and recycle bins looking for something a couple weeks ago. Discovered a bag of dog poo in the recycle bin an expensive container lid in the trash as well as a ripped up Valentine I'd never received from a friend. That led to my discovery of the wonderful REFRIGERATOR and FREEZER locks. It's what you've got to do to stay sane, either that or doors on the kitchen and lock those which is my Plan C. The Fridge locks are on amazon, the kind we have are a cable loop and you can get them without any lock or a padlock or a combination lock. I bought luggage locks separately, combination, so no worries about having to hunt down a key. Now the issue is for dad that mom's "pleasure" ...is emptying the wastebaskets multiple times a day. None of this directly answers your question, It's hard to be patient and understanding in the moment. Very hard. But it is a brain disease and supposedly they can't help it. My mother is a witch and won't listen to anyone, does what she wants and is still functional in spite of the mixed dementia. I have very little patience. God help me, I am almost grateful that she is sundowning so I don't have to deal with her as much. If you google Teepa Snow she is amazing and has videos, and she's welcome to move in here any time she wishes...but she's a master, and we are caregivers living it 24/7. That's a little different. The only thing that helps me at all is to remember it won't last forever and remember my friends nearly all of whom have lost their parents. Wishing you all the best and the patience of a dozen saints...
"But it is a brain disease and supposedly they can't help it" What is the supposedly about ? When brain cells die, when brain chemistry changes, they CANNOT help it. It is an interesting word choice. Do you believe they can help it?
My husband was diagnosed almost three years ago. I noticed differences, a few years earlier, but it didn't click, until on Mother's Day one year, he gave me a card and a mug that said Happy Grandmother's Day. At first I was so hurt, but then realized, it wasn't him, but that he was changing mentally. I love him, for taking care of me all those years, that it was time for me to really take the reigns, and become the provider, comforter, caretaker, so he would feel save and secure. The book, " Caretakers Handbook", and Alzheimer's Association, are great places to start. Also, Teepa Snow, a phycologist, has you tube videos available online. I know there are times that I still get angry and what my husband says or does, (I have to bite my tongue,) but I have to let it role off me, because he is not the person I married anymore. I still love him and I will do whatever I have to, in the years to come, to make sure he is always save and I am there for him. Patience is something we have to have, when we take on this responsibility. Suggestion: be more observant, with whatever she is doing. Make sure to keep an eye on her. Example: I husband, took a scissors, from his night stand and proceed to injure himself. So, I took away all scissors. He had a cigarette lighter collection and a knife collection. I also took these away for safety reasons. He no longer drives, another precaution. He is stubborn and bi-polar, argues and disagrees with everything I ask or say, so expect your wife will act according to how she is. We all are going through the same things here. Be patient, kind and love her, that's all you can do.
I have the same thing with "disagrees with everything I say" and makes stuff up.... it's very challenging and socially isolating. Guess that's ok for now as we're all in social isolation w/ Covid19
This is very difficult to deal with. At the early stages of AD, you think they could do better, but most of the time they can’t, as they find it harder and harder to hold things in memory. If you can hold that reality in your mind, you will do better. She is not trying to make you angry. Set things up so she and you can be more successful with these changes in her behavior. Make sure that you get time away from your situation to take of yourself. If you don’t take of yourself, you will both crash and burn. I took care of my husband with AD for 10 years and it is more difficult than most people realize.
Patience, letting go of who she was before. It’s like raising a toddler, unfortunately one that doesn’t really learn anything new. My mom who is in mid stage frustrates the hell outta me. Positive behaviors are disappearing while new negative ones crop up daily. Weird stuff that do not make sense, they lose their common sense. We have to let go of expectations and just take one day at a time. Just as we treat and respect a child, you just love them and keep them safe. Take care of yourself, let go of what was “your normal” and remember you are NOT alone. What you’re doing, caring for her is not easy! You are her hero, her friend and her touchstone to who she was...her memories. I’m sending you a big fat “I understand” hug!
IMHO, you are likened to my brother in law, whose wife has Alzheimer's. It is so very hard and you must have extreme patience. God bless you. There is one book that I can think of called, "The 36 Hour Day."
There's a book called the36 hour day. I suggest you read it. It was very helpful to my sister and I as we push on down this path of Alzheimer's. It's also a good reference guide. I've read the book at least 3 times. I've put myself into a mental state that my mom has the capacity of a 5 year old child.That helps me to be patient with her. Good luck to you.
My mother is 94 has Dementia and has tried my patience just about everyday. I try to take a time out for myself when i feel my anger rising. It may be a short walk around our apartment complex or a short drive not going anywhere in particular just to relieve the stressful moment. Having help is important even if you can pursue a hobby or go to a movie, outdoor park for some walking exercise. My go to therapy is isolating myself in my bedroom after I've cleaned up the spills or have dealt with my mother's complaints. In my bedroom i have set up my art studio where i can paint my next masterpiece lol. Or bingewatch a netflix movie whatever works for you. The longer you stew over her accidents the more stressful it will be for you. Wishing you well.
My mother did this before my dad died. I don't know how he could put up with all that, except to spend most of his waking hours out in the yard where he didn't have to listen to her repeat herself nonstop during the entire day. But the downside is she was unsupervised in the house and sometimes she did stuff that was harmful or dangerous. Like throwing out food, including meals we daughters had prepared for them since she stopped cooking 20 years ago. Extremely frustrating for my dad and I attribute his rapid decline over the past year to having to live with a person with dementia.
She is in memory care now, and doesn't remember dad is gone. If I were you, that's what I'd investigate. Things will only get worse and if it is driving you crazy and shortening your life due to stress, that may be your best course of action.
Wife has short term memory loss, she remembers times gone by, but not yesterday or last month, she does easy Sudoco and first three days crossword, she gets up at night for ice cream or juice, she forgets to put things back and leave fridge doors open, I fixed the problem by tilting the fridge so the door will close by itself, I do loose some ice cream but stuff in fridge is safe.
You also need to understand this isn't going to get any better or easier. If you are already frustrated now, and I've been there so I understand, you probably need to go ahead and research Assisted Living facilities to place her in. Look for one that will let you transition to Medicaid if you run out of money. While you are doing that, you should also consult with an elder care attorney who can help guide you along the way and protect assets for your care later, while still providing for your wife during this time.
You need to start thinking about the dangers that are present in your home right now, and how your wife may get into trouble. For example, mixing ammonia and bleach together to clean and asphyxiating herself. Or trying to cook and leaving a pot on the stove. Or wandering off in the middle of the night. There are a ton of possibilities for what could happen to her if she's not closely watched 24/7 which is impossible for you to do, realistically. If she's not yet at the stage where she's exhibiting dangerous behaviors, it may not be far off.
You may want to look into Memory Care Assisted Living homes for your wife. I work in one and can tell you that I see lots of husband's and wives who have placed their spouse when they became too much to handle at home. Some come to visit twice a day and have a much better relationship now that they've relinquished their caregiver role.
Think about it as you read all about Alzheimer's and what to expect moving forward. Teepa Snow is on YouTube and particularly good at explaining the difficulties and frustrations associated with this dreadful disease. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck to you
You aren't going to change her, you are only able to change your reaction to her behaviors. Perhaps you need to try to accept and understand that her brain is broken and it's not likely to improve. How can you keep her safe and keep your sanity?
Do you get breaks? You could be burnt out if your're getting frustrated. Well, it may always be frustrating on some level, but should be more tolerable with a little education on your part and a little bit of time away from your wife so that you can recharge your own battery.
You can try to prevent some of the things from happening.
Give her a task that she can do while you make dinner, or heat up a dinner.
Put a lock on the freezer and refrigerator so that she can not open it. If she asks just say "it's stuck I will fix it later". Get a little refrigerator for her for snacks is she wants to snack during the day. (If she doesn't now that may come)
A few hints for you.
1. Do not yell. It will frighten her, make her nervous and she does not know why you are yelling.
2. Do not argue. You will NEVER win an argument with a person that has any form of dementia.
3. If you have friends or family that ask if they can do anything to help say YES. Ask if someone can pick up a gallon of milk and bring it by. If there is someone that your wife likes and trusts ask if they can stop by and visit with her while you run to the store to get a few things or get a haircut, or visit the dentist and so on.
4. Decide now at what point will you have to consider placing her in Memory Care. For me it was Safety. As long as my Husband was safe while I cared for him at home, as long as I was safe while I cared for him at home that is where he would stay. (and with the help of Hospice and the VA I was able to keep him home, that and the fact that he was very compliant and never violent)
5. Find a good support group.
6. If there is Adult Day Care in your area get her going there for as long as she is able.
And the 36 Hour Day is a good book.
As far as the decisions you will have to make...There are no "right or wrong" ones. It is a decision you make at the time with the best interests of your wife and you in mind. As long as you can put your head on your pillow at night and you can tell yourself that you did the best you could that day there is nothing you should regret and you can sleep well knowing that you did the best that you could.
I loved the book, The 36-Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins
It explains things so well. It definitely helped me to understand what brain disease is, the different types and how to put myself in that perspective as well.
Your wife is not doing anything on purpose, her judgement, reasoning, and cognition is slowly deteriorating. She can perceive emotions...highly, so try not to show anger/frustration it will just make things worse for the both of you. You will need to learn that white lies are harmless and to let the little things and sometimes big things go too...I know I did, very quickly. I have locks on my cleaning supplies cabinet, medicine cabinet, refrigerator, and childproof knobs on my stove, now that I think about it I should also cover electrical outlets! I bought my mom activity toys to keep her busy, she needs to do something ALL day, TV is not cutting it. There are activity items for Alzheimer/Dementia but they are also expensive, I bought things that are also good for a toddler they worked for me and my mom is happy...colorful stickers on construction paper, Lincoln Logs, matching games with colors, shapes, letters, crayons and coloring books. I went from being a single working gal to having an 83 yr old daughter, it’s a life changing event for both!
This will be your ultimate challenge in your life, you do it all out of LOVE...whether you do it yourself until you can or you give that challenge to someone else or someplace else that has a team you are comfortable with. I’m 45 yrs old and resigned from my job last year to do this 24/7, I’m constantly researching and reading on this terrible disease. It will be hard without a doubt but there are joyful & pleasant times with your loved one too. So gentle hugs, caressing on her hand, a light back rub goes a long way.
Good luck, and I hope you make the decision that’s best for you.
To learn how to deal with your wife's behavior from this disease (which she can not help) I suggest watching youtube Teepa Snow video's. I found them very instructional on how to deal with my elderly Mom.
Good luck,
Jenna
I would also recommend getting a caregiver in, even an hour or two a day if you can. Give yourself a break. And, for critical behavior such as leaving the stove burners on or overflowing the bathtub, you may need more care-givers and/or consider if other steps are in order. Talk to a social worker if you can; the Alz Association (and Teepa Snow) personnel are very compassionate and understanding. Call them. You might benefit from a support group. Thanks for writing here. It not only helps and provides you support, it helps all of us deal with this. And, as I often or not often enough say to myself "But for the Grace of God Go I" (It is the only religious phrase I know).
The godsend: LOCKS. Oh yeah, and they make them. For now we're approaching this piece-meal...So I got a "Safety 1st" brand lock that looks like a strap. They adhere with super strong adhesive pads. That's on one of the bins in the fridge. It has a diversion button front and center but that's not how it operates...it actually has to be squeezed from the sides and that part doesn't show. A HUGE BLESSING in my life, as now certain of my food items are safe and not cross-contaminated or touched with dirty fingers. Or dinner isn't nibbled before I make it for them...THere are also Safety 1st flexible cupboard locks with a similar way of operation, but they don't stick.
I haven't figured out how to stop her from spitting grape skins in the rubber gasket of the sink drain which is very disgusting.
We have a PO Box so most of our mail is going there and she can't get it. Anything that comes to the home can be snatched and ripped before you see it. We dumped the trash and recycle bins looking for something a couple weeks ago. Discovered a bag of dog poo in the recycle bin an expensive container lid in the trash as well as a ripped up Valentine I'd never received from a friend.
That led to my discovery of the wonderful REFRIGERATOR and FREEZER locks. It's what you've got to do to stay sane, either that or doors on the kitchen and lock those which is my Plan C. The Fridge locks are on amazon, the kind we have are a cable loop and you can get them without any lock or a padlock or a combination lock. I bought luggage locks separately, combination, so no worries about having to hunt down a key. Now the issue is for dad that mom's "pleasure" ...is emptying the wastebaskets multiple times a day.
None of this directly answers your question, It's hard to be patient and understanding in the moment. Very hard. But it is a brain disease and supposedly they can't help it. My mother is a witch and won't listen to anyone, does what she wants and is still functional in spite of the mixed dementia. I have very little patience. God help me, I am almost grateful that she is sundowning so I don't have to deal with her as much. If you google Teepa Snow she is amazing and has videos, and she's welcome to move in here any time she wishes...but she's a master, and we are caregivers living it 24/7. That's a little different. The only thing that helps me at all is to remember it won't last forever and remember my friends nearly all of whom have lost their parents. Wishing you all the best and the patience of a dozen saints...
I love him, for taking care of me all those years, that it was time for me to really take the reigns, and become the provider, comforter, caretaker, so he would feel save and secure.
The book, " Caretakers Handbook", and Alzheimer's Association, are great places to start. Also, Teepa Snow, a phycologist, has you tube videos available online.
I know there are times that I still get angry and what my husband says or does, (I have to bite my tongue,) but I have to let it role off me, because he is not the person I married anymore. I still love him and I will do whatever I have to, in the years to come, to make sure he is always save and I am there for him.
Patience is something we have to have, when we take on this responsibility.
Suggestion: be more observant, with whatever she is doing. Make sure to keep an eye on her. Example: I husband, took a scissors, from his night stand and proceed to injure himself. So, I took away all scissors. He had a cigarette lighter collection and a knife collection. I also took these away for safety reasons. He no longer drives, another precaution.
He is stubborn and bi-polar, argues and disagrees with everything I ask or say, so expect your wife will act according to how she is.
We all are going through the same things here. Be patient, kind and love her, that's all you can do.
There is one book that I can think of called, "The 36 Hour Day."
She is in memory care now, and doesn't remember dad is gone. If I were you, that's what I'd investigate. Things will only get worse and if it is driving you crazy and shortening your life due to stress, that may be your best course of action.