How can I act cheerful when my brother and his wife visit and don't offer to help with my mother's care?

Your brother isn't going to change. You can't make him want to take care of your mother. If he doesn't want to, then it's best that he doesn't.

If it's too much for you, then you must get help. Help at home or place her somewhere. She doesn't have to like it or agree to it. When deciding, you have to consider what is best for you, not just for her. You count too!

At the least, perhaps have her go into a facility on a regular basis for respite care. Then at least you can get a true break.

Good luck.

I think its time for your 34 yr old to open his eyes. He is going to lose his Mom maybe before grandmom. Who has POA? Does Mom have money at all? Maybe time to spend it on aides to help with her care.

Get a good physical. When there are results, take son with you so he hears what the doctor says. Make sure prior to this your doctor is told the stress you are under with no help. Let the doctor tell your son, you can't do it anymore. Just like Gma you are now a Senior too and are having your own health problems. Stress can effect these problems, make them worse.

Hugs, Hugs and more Hugs!!

You commented in June that you have Caregiver Burnout and no wonder!! You have spent the last 13 years taking care of your Mom and doing a wonderful job of it. We all get to that point where we cannot cope by ourselves anymore and need some outside help. Did you see any ideas or suggestions on that post helpful for your situation? Are you able to find some "ME TIME" (other than when your Mom takes a nap) so that you can regenerate yourself and have more energy to take care of your Mom.

Do you have any other people such as home health aides helping take care of your Mom or are you the only one? How often does Catholic Charities Respite help take care of your Mom? Can they come more often? Are you talking with a counselor about your feelings regarding your situation?  Does the psychiatrist think that your medications need to be changed again?

Do NOT expect your brother or his wife to help physically take care of your Mom.  They are NOT caregivers!!! They do not have the compassion and ability to do what you are doing.

Since your brother’s visit you seem to have changed your mind about NOT putting your Mom in a nursing home. You definitely were against it according to your post in June. What happened to cause you to accept the possibility that your Mom might need to go to a nursing home? For whatever reason, I think that you are trying to do the best for your Mom, and maybe, that is having her go to a nursing home. Do not feel guilty about looking for a nursing home. Sometimes they are the “BEST” option.

Continue to look for a nursing facility close to where you live --BUT DO NOT TALK TO YOUR MOM about moving into a nursing home. When the time comes for her to move to a facility, you will just have to "DO IT".

We all care about you and many of us have been in similar situations. You need to do what is best for your Mom.

{{{HUGS}}}

Thank you for your advice. There is no way my mother would tour any nursing facility. She says she will be a burden to my 34 year old son. He does not want her to be in a facility either. My only choice probably is to check myself in to the hospital to address my dizziness and balance problems and COPD. That way i would get a rest while doctor takes tests to find out why I'm ill. Meanwhile could i call a social worker and let them know no one is there with my mother. Maybe then they could place her somewhere. I don't have the energy to keep going.

I am in your shoes so I have empathy. I care for my mom, 14 years and counting. I have cried a river! I still cry at times. I have bouts of depression and anxiety. I’m not going to feed it though. I will acknowledge my feelings, then do my best to find solutions. I commend you for reaching out. That’s the first step. Congrats!

I was you complaining about my siblings when I joined this forum. We need to vent! I did too and that’s okay. Ask anyone here if I did. They will tell you how much I boo hooed about it. You don’t have to be cheerful. If your siblings are like mine though, a discussion is futile. Give it up. do your best to just be civil or better still if you can leave when a sibling is there, take off, grab a coffee or whatever...

I received the same advice as you about my unhelpful siblings and I let go of the resentment for my siblings for my sake. They are free to make their own choices. You will not change their behavior. The only thing it accomplishes is piling on more stress.

Focus on more productive goals, such as possibly a better care plan for mom. Is that possible? Do you absolutely have to be primary caregiver? Are there alternatives that look feasible to you? Have you thought about what is best for all involved, not just her, but especially you? You count equally to her.

Go visit facilities. There are great assisted living facilities if they have the money. I checked out places in my area. I have not decided what to do either but I now have more information to assist in making a decision.

Trust me. I totally get your emotions but my emotions didn’t or won’t change a damn thing!

Best wishes to you. Take care. Hugs!

Did you know what you were getting into when you moved your mother into your home and you agreed to be her caregiver?

Just as your brother and his wife said no, so can you.

Your mother lives in your home. That was your choice. You have no control over your brother's choices. You resent your mother for making you feel guilty and why are you trying to make your brother feel guilty for living his life? Why do you need to act cheerful around your brother? When he comes to visit, why not leave him alone with your mother and go out and do something?

Placing your mother in an assisted living community is *your* choice. You do not need permission from your brother or your mother. Start touring communities by yourself or with a trusted friend. Narrow down the choices to ones you feel meet your mother's real needs, and then schedule your mother for a grand tour. AL directors are great at working with old people because they are far more objective than those of us who are in the weeds of caregiving.

Hi, with major Hugs!

Is is there any particular reason why you “mention a nursing facility” to your mom? Does she NEED skilled nursing care? What answer do you expect when you mention that you feel she needs more care than you can provide for her?

With her combined illnesses and altered cognitive status, the expectation of her being “compliant” is pretty low, probably even lower on the likelihood that your brother will even consider taking on the responsibility for her care.

You are NOT WRONG to look for a good nearby facility where she will be well cared for, nor you in any way wrong in wanting to enjoy a life that will be free from caregiving. You have indeed “paid your dues”.

If you start researching where to proceed from here, you may find yourself more empowered, a very good thing.

Also, unless you are committed to the fact that placement will be best for BOTH of you, your mom’s comments will continue to bother you. Do some soul searching. Self care does not mean being a bad daughter.

Your brother and his wife are under no obligation to provide hands on care for your mother.

Neither are you.

You are making a choice to do this.

If you are clinically depressed and anxious, this is not working, is it?

Your mother plays the guilt card and you pick it up. My mother thrived, gained weight and was healthier in a NH that shed been in years. We did not " throw her away" we got her into a caregiving situation with the right professional to care for her.

Please learn to advocate for yourself before the stress kills you. Where would your mom be then?

In a NH WITHOUT a loving daughter to advocate for her.