How can I act cheerful when my brother and his wife visit and don't offer to help with my mother's care?

Your brother and his wife are under no obligation to provide hands on care for your mother.

Neither are you.

You are making a choice to do this.

If you are clinically depressed and anxious, this is not working, is it?

Your mother plays the guilt card and you pick it up. My mother thrived, gained weight and was healthier in a NH that shed been in years. We did not " throw her away" we got her into a caregiving situation with the right professional to care for her.

Please learn to advocate for yourself before the stress kills you. Where would your mom be then?

In a NH WITHOUT a loving daughter to advocate for her.

Hi, with major Hugs!

Is is there any particular reason why you “mention a nursing facility” to your mom? Does she NEED skilled nursing care? What answer do you expect when you mention that you feel she needs more care than you can provide for her?

With her combined illnesses and altered cognitive status, the expectation of her being “compliant” is pretty low, probably even lower on the likelihood that your brother will even consider taking on the responsibility for her care.

You are NOT WRONG to look for a good nearby facility where she will be well cared for, nor you in any way wrong in wanting to enjoy a life that will be free from caregiving. You have indeed “paid your dues”.

If you start researching where to proceed from here, you may find yourself more empowered, a very good thing.

Also, unless you are committed to the fact that placement will be best for BOTH of you, your mom’s comments will continue to bother you. Do some soul searching. Self care does not mean being a bad daughter.

Your mother lives in your home. That was your choice. You have no control over your brother's choices. You resent your mother for making you feel guilty and why are you trying to make your brother feel guilty for living his life? Why do you need to act cheerful around your brother? When he comes to visit, why not leave him alone with your mother and go out and do something?

Placing your mother in an assisted living community is *your* choice. You do not need permission from your brother or your mother. Start touring communities by yourself or with a trusted friend. Narrow down the choices to ones you feel meet your mother's real needs, and then schedule your mother for a grand tour. AL directors are great at working with old people because they are far more objective than those of us who are in the weeds of caregiving.

Did you know what you were getting into when you moved your mother into your home and you agreed to be her caregiver?

Just as your brother and his wife said no, so can you.

I am in your shoes so I have empathy. I care for my mom, 14 years and counting. I have cried a river! I still cry at times. I have bouts of depression and anxiety. I’m not going to feed it though. I will acknowledge my feelings, then do my best to find solutions. I commend you for reaching out. That’s the first step. Congrats!

I was you complaining about my siblings when I joined this forum. We need to vent! I did too and that’s okay. Ask anyone here if I did. They will tell you how much I boo hooed about it. You don’t have to be cheerful. If your siblings are like mine though, a discussion is futile. Give it up. do your best to just be civil or better still if you can leave when a sibling is there, take off, grab a coffee or whatever...

I received the same advice as you about my unhelpful siblings and I let go of the resentment for my siblings for my sake. They are free to make their own choices. You will not change their behavior. The only thing it accomplishes is piling on more stress.

Focus on more productive goals, such as possibly a better care plan for mom. Is that possible? Do you absolutely have to be primary caregiver? Are there alternatives that look feasible to you? Have you thought about what is best for all involved, not just her, but especially you? You count equally to her.

Go visit facilities. There are great assisted living facilities if they have the money. I checked out places in my area. I have not decided what to do either but I now have more information to assist in making a decision.

Trust me. I totally get your emotions but my emotions didn’t or won’t change a damn thing!

Best wishes to you. Take care. Hugs!

Thank you for your advice. There is no way my mother would tour any nursing facility. She says she will be a burden to my 34 year old son. He does not want her to be in a facility either. My only choice probably is to check myself in to the hospital to address my dizziness and balance problems and COPD. That way i would get a rest while doctor takes tests to find out why I'm ill. Meanwhile could i call a social worker and let them know no one is there with my mother. Maybe then they could place her somewhere. I don't have the energy to keep going.

Hugs, Hugs and more Hugs!!

You commented in June that you have Caregiver Burnout and no wonder!! You have spent the last 13 years taking care of your Mom and doing a wonderful job of it. We all get to that point where we cannot cope by ourselves anymore and need some outside help. Did you see any ideas or suggestions on that post helpful for your situation? Are you able to find some "ME TIME" (other than when your Mom takes a nap) so that you can regenerate yourself and have more energy to take care of your Mom.

Do you have any other people such as home health aides helping take care of your Mom or are you the only one? How often does Catholic Charities Respite help take care of your Mom? Can they come more often? Are you talking with a counselor about your feelings regarding your situation?  Does the psychiatrist think that your medications need to be changed again?

Do NOT expect your brother or his wife to help physically take care of your Mom.  They are NOT caregivers!!! They do not have the compassion and ability to do what you are doing.

Since your brother’s visit you seem to have changed your mind about NOT putting your Mom in a nursing home. You definitely were against it according to your post in June. What happened to cause you to accept the possibility that your Mom might need to go to a nursing home? For whatever reason, I think that you are trying to do the best for your Mom, and maybe, that is having her go to a nursing home. Do not feel guilty about looking for a nursing home. Sometimes they are the “BEST” option.

Continue to look for a nursing facility close to where you live --BUT DO NOT TALK TO YOUR MOM about moving into a nursing home. When the time comes for her to move to a facility, you will just have to "DO IT".

We all care about you and many of us have been in similar situations. You need to do what is best for your Mom.

{{{HUGS}}}

I think its time for your 34 yr old to open his eyes. He is going to lose his Mom maybe before grandmom. Who has POA? Does Mom have money at all? Maybe time to spend it on aides to help with her care.

Get a good physical. When there are results, take son with you so he hears what the doctor says. Make sure prior to this your doctor is told the stress you are under with no help. Let the doctor tell your son, you can't do it anymore. Just like Gma you are now a Senior too and are having your own health problems. Stress can effect these problems, make them worse.

Your brother isn't going to change. You can't make him want to take care of your mother. If he doesn't want to, then it's best that he doesn't.

If it's too much for you, then you must get help. Help at home or place her somewhere. She doesn't have to like it or agree to it. When deciding, you have to consider what is best for you, not just for her. You count too!

At the least, perhaps have her go into a facility on a regular basis for respite care. Then at least you can get a true break.

Good luck.

I agree with others, but do know the exact way you feel right now. Leave brother out of this if possible, with just emails to let him know where she is and how she is. Find a good place for your mom and have the staff or a social worker at your house and there at the facility help you move her. Try to get most of her things there first, so she will have her own things around her. Yes, you can say you have to have surgery. That's what I did. "You can't stay here, Mom, because I have to go to hospital for surgery". Any questions further than that can be answered with "I'm sorry I don't have the answer yet, but you are going to be just fine". And she will be.

EssieMarie, your Mom is at the age [90+] where she remembers older relatives going into a "home" and such places way back when were the County Asylum. Thus, that is one reason so many elders your Mom age refuse to even talk about Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. She doesn't know that times have changed regarding the style of the newer Assisted Living and Nursing Homes.

Now remember this, up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Now what? Who will step up to take of your Mom?

You probably will need to do like many of us had, wait for a medical issue, 911, hospital, rehab, then into Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. As now Mom will need a village to take care of her. A major fall was the only way my own Mom could be placed in long-term-care. My Dad, on the other hand, couldn't wait to sell his home and move to senior living. He loved it there :)

As for your brother not wanting to do caregiving.... it doesn't matter if he has 10 empty rooms or none. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I know I wasn't but I did help with the logistical stuff which was exhausting enough for me. Who is your Mom's medical Power of Attorney and who is Mom's financial Power of Attorney?

Essie,

You know that your brother and wife will not help. My brothers don’t lift a finger with me at home. My brother’s wife would never help out. Honestly, in all the years I have known her I have never even heard her speak about her own mother once, so why would I think she would care about mine? But that’s another story...

If you select one or two assisted living facilities that are a good fit for her you will have peace of mind just knowing that you have a back up plan. She does not have to accompany you for your initial visits to the facilities. You are just gathering information at this point.

I know you have said that she won’t agree on her own, perhaps not. You know your mom better than anyone else.

I suggest that you don’t present it as a question but rather in a precise statement. You do this by saying, “Mom, I have done all that I can for you. It is now time for you to be cared for by others. I have found a couple of facilities that I know will do an excellent job of caring for you. We will choose the one best suited to your needs. I have made arrangements for you to see your new living quarters. I will still be in your life by visiting you as often as I can.”

I think once she sees that she has no other options she will have to accept the inevitable. What else can she do?

My cousins were in this situation with my uncle. His daughters both worked full time and had their own needs like we all do.

My uncle said that he wanted a 24/7 365 nurse because he did not want to do an assisted living facility. My cousins told him, “Dad, 24/7 365 is a nursing home. We will find a place for you.” He adjusted.

They went to visit him at the nursing home regularly but the worry about his care was over. The heavy lifting on their part was over. He died at age 96. They have no regrets.

Place your mother in a home, your brother is not going to lift a finger, he has showed you who he is...believe him.

As for your mother, she will be fine, and don't let her guilt you, it is all manipulation. She doesn't care about your health, it is all about her. It is up to you to stand up and be counted!

You can ask him for financial assistance for a caregiver if you need it or maybe he can buy groceries ..he’s not going to be doing caregiving in this lifetime. You need respite. Suggest to him pay for respite by putting her in facility & you go on vacation. Since he has $$$, he can help this way. Visiting from brother & his wife should consist of taking YOU out to lunch. You are not in any mood to entertain visitors. Hugs 🤗

They will NEVER help but will be the ones who fall across the casket wailing and weeping how much they loved and miss her, with their hand out waiting for any share of the estate. I am the DIL who takes care of MIL. My journey of her living in my home started about 2 years ago, our (DH) actual caregiver duties started in 1995 when his dad passed. Financial support, errands,grocery shopping,(MIL never drove so at least that is one battle never faught),home repairs either paid for or performed by us. SILs (2) NEVER pitched in help or monetarily back then either. They still do not help with her care, never will. They are more interested in the amount she received from the sale of her home and wanted their "share" right away, um no, mom's still alive, it's her money, not yours. Had to sell home as is, needed many expensive updates to bring it up to code. They actually expected DH and I to foot the bill to do so because then they would get more money 🙄🤦‍♀️tired of the games and excuses why they can't help. If asked the one out of state tells me not her problem, deal with it. The one who lives close (30 mins away) refuses to do any caregiving activities or give me a break, but can cry to MIL that we asked her to come down and why she can't, excuses that are downright ludicrous. It is what it is. I will continue to take care of her until I can no longer do for her physically or medically. Then she will need to placed in a LTC facility. There are givers and there are takers, you're a giver, they are takers.

If I was you I would be crying too. That is not fair the you have to do all the work. Can't you just tell your brother he needs to take your mom for a few days or a weekend. Not that I am very good at standing up for myself. But we have to, right. Sorry that you can not stop crying.

So sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like a very difficult situation, but you may not need to be. For starters, I would get a Will/POA/med POA over your mother, even if little financial gain is listed, it gives you the right to control the situation as best as you see fit and discuss her Medicare/pension and SSN issues. Next, I would forget all about your brother. It is very clear he has no intention of assisting. I would next look at what is available for her via pension, private insurance, Medicare and your State offers.
If possible, I would look for help to get you some rest or a daily break. It's a tough situation but don't let your brothers behavior sour your life and/or disposition. Your grandchild (ren) don't need to lose you over this.
I hope this helps and that things can work out better for you. Hang in there and best of everything.

Honey, you are miserable and your other family members are not.
Your brother and his wife will not help. That is their choice. You cannot force them. Not to mention, your Mom does not like the wife...
I see as you have two choices:
Continue being miserable in the situation or change the situation. You need to refuse to help your Mom. Have her placed or get i home care.
You can control your life but you have to stop letting others control it.

I'm curious about the 34 y/o son who doesn't want to see his grandmother go into a facility. Does he have any suggestions, such as his volunteering to take care of her?

I hate to always be the tough love chick out here, but you must realize that continuing to do this is YOUR CHOICE. And deciding that you can no longer do this because of the mental and physical trauma upon yourself is also your choice. I am very tired of hearing people discuss how they must do this care because otherwise the dread monster of GUILT will be visited upon them. Fine. Feel guilty. It's ok. We are all just decent and very flawed people doing the best we can with what we have.
It is time now to recognize you cannot do this any longer. First call goes to the bro. You will tell him you are very sorry, but you cannot continue in the care of y" our mother. Tell him that the subject is not open for argument or discussion. And you will now be moving forward for placement.
Next is Mom. You will tell her that you are very sorry but you cannot continue on and you will try to help her find the best place for her.
It won't be easy, any of it. It is territory you haven't traversed before. If your mother does for any reason require a hospitalization then you are able to at that time tell social workers on DAY ONE that Mom will not be coming home with you as you cannot physically or mentally care for her any longer. Do not listen to the platitudes of "We can make this work together" or "We can get you help" as they cannot get it and it will not work. Don't argue. Speak gently but clearly and do not move from your position.
As to why you took on the care ALSO of a child? I cannot begin to imagine. But, again, that was YOUR choice, and not to be blamed on someone for asking. The person who continuously takes on more than they can conceivably do is ALWAYS the one who gets asked.
You may need counselling to get set in your head how to proceed. A licensed Social Worker who counsels on life changes is best, because often enough the psychologist is some young Masters Degree person who passes out platitude such as "And what are you doing for yourSELF" like candies.

TO your first question: how do I be cheerful...You do NOT need to put on a happy face for them.

Number 1. Stop looking after grand daughter before school. Just say no. Does this mean you also take her to school stop looking after her 100% till you are sorted I am sure there are before and after school programmes as there are here in Australia BUT your service is FREE

people will continue to walk all over you if you keep saying yes.
2
Pack up your mothers things. Call your brother and say you are done. That’s it. No discussion. Mean it. Let your brother solve this. Tell him she will be ready on a certain date and you will be having a break so please don’t be late coming to get her as she will be alone

It sound to me that you have allowed yourself to be used by family. It’s amazing how quickly they will find solutions
and don’t be bullied with the “we will never speak to you again” bulldust. So what. That only shows their true colours

I know your brother will not help with hands on care and I fully support his position on that. But would he help you find placement for her? Have you told your mother that you can't do this any longer? Does she care how this affects you? If not, why would you care if she is mad that you need to place her. You need to stand up for yourself and do what is right...for you! You mother does not have the right be be content at the expense of your health and happiness. Stop making excuses as to why you can't place her and figure out how you can do it. The trip to the ER is the easiest option. But if there are no ER trips in the near future you need to find a way to set yourself free.

Mom is not going to be compliant. She doesn't want change and the arrangement she has right now works for her. I wouldn't want to leave either. I just noticed you said brother's excuse is a long, hard trip. Can you make the trip to deliver her to them? Maybe ask about a deal to do 2 mos there, 2 mos with you, etc. That's only 6 mos a year for each of you with good breaks in between. Plus a regular schedule allows either of you to plan vacation, trips, quiet time, whatever. Mom may be unhappy if she doesn't like daughterinlaw, but she will adjust in a day or so as she visits in both homes. Get your emotions in check before discussing this with brother. Getting upset leads to accusations and other unnecessary comments at a time you are trying to share the responsibility.

First, ditto and amen to every post that said you need to jettison all other responsibilities in order to focus on yourself before its too late.

Next, who has durable Power of Attorney for your mom? I'm hoping it's you. This is important if you want to get her admitted to a NH.

Is your brother on board with her going into a NH? If not, it doesn't matter. He's not the one with bad health and burnout.

Let your brother know a deadline by which you need your mom out. Make sure it is a reasonable amount of time. Ask him to help you with this. If he refuses, inform him that the plan goes forward whether he's on board or not, as you are done.

How you get your mom into a home if you don't have PoA or when she is resistant is another story. You may have to trick her into getting her there, with help from the facility and your son. If neither you nor your bro have PoA and your mom won't give it, you may need to seek guardianship. Please don't give up hope...it will get worse before it gets better but it will get better. Eat the elephant one bite at a time.

Essie Marie wake up and smell the coffee! Why are you acting cheerful in front of your brother? He doesn’t care. Why are you letting your mother bully you? She doesn’t care. Use whatever excuse makes you comfortable (hospital, surgery, breakdown) and get yourself out of this mess. No one else will. You care about yourself now do something about it.

Take care of yourself first. Call your brother and explain to him that you need help. Not only will you suffer but your Mom will suffer, too. This is exactly what was happening with my in-laws. My sister in law was their primary caregiver for years. She and her family lived in the same small town as them and in a home that they owned. Early on an agreement was made that if she cared for them and kept them out of a facility, the house would be hers. When it became apparent that she needed more help the siblings were reluctant because of the resentment that she had lived rent free for 40 years before ever caring for her parents. Then it got to the point where the parents wouldn't let anyone care for them. Their daily needs increased, Dad suffering from Dementia and Mom unsteady and weak, and they both ended up breaking their hips in the same year. By then, my sister in law was so worn out and dealing with her own family issues and health that she just couldn't keep up and finally allowed my husband and I to help. We had to pretty much bully our way in because my father in law was not happy about it. They are now in assisted living and skilled nursing and are able to spend their days and meals together in the same facility. We were lucky. They did not have the money financially to do this without Medicaid and we were able to get it for my mother in law by doing a division of assets. My sister in law is so much better and able to visit them and enjoy them now instead of being rundown and resentful all the time. The reason I'm telling you all of this is, there is help out there. I contacted an Elder assist company and they helped with all of the paperwork and guided us through the process of receiving help. First you need to reach out to your brother and tell him you are not going to do it anymore. It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Your Mom will get used to it. It has been exactly 1 year since my mother in law left her home and 6 months for my father in law and I cant tell you the changes in their health and well being, not to mention my sister in law. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but you cannot do it on your own. Reach out to who ever will listen. Talk to your Mom's physicians office. They have connections. Good luck and bless you.

You are not in a hopeless situation although it may seem that way to you right now. Be firm, with your mother and your brother. So maybe it's time to start looking for a place for her. If your brother won't take her in, then find a nice home where she will be taken care of.. Who has POA?

Essie, as has been already asked, who has POA?

In a post in June, you wrote: "I'm doing this because i don't want my mother to be forgotten in a nursing home. There are still horror stories of elderly being left in soiled diapers, developing bedsores and so on that i wish to spare her from this type of indifference."

Do you still feel this way? Are you or are you not open to the idea of putting your mother in a NH?

If you expect your mother to move in with your brother, that is not going to happen. She doesn't want that, and I'm sure your brother doesn't, either. So you are not going to be able to force that issue.

You already know what you need to do but you are letting the guilt take over. Who said it's your job to please everyone? Would they do the same for you?
I highly doubt it. Your mother needs to go to a nursing home and that's that. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow what do you think your brother would do...I'm guessing put her in nursing home. As for your son, he doesn't get to make the decisions....you do. You either chose to live with the situation til she dies or you do what you know you should do for your own health and mental well-being.
You are not selfish, it's called self preservation.
You are not selfish for living your life.
You are not selfish for putting yourself first!
Those 3 sentences need to be said by every caregiver. It helps you take your power back in your own life so the guilt doesn't over rule you. (My therapist taught me that and it works and helps)

All of us caregivers on here have had to seriously consider our options and no they definitely aren't easy ones. My mum who lives with me knows that if she ends up in a wheelchair I can't lift her so she would have to go to nursing home, if she gets Alzheimer's she will be placed in nursing home. Do I like the idea of her being in a nursing home I'm 50/50 because of staff numbers & treatment. But I also know my mental health is more important and so is my health which both have deteriorated since her moving in with me. When the day comes for her to go to a nursing home it will be the hardest day in my life but I also know i can't keep up with her needs. All of my grandparents were put in nursing homes and she wasn't her mother's carer so I think I've well n truly done my time (16years so far). I am looking forward to having my life back all be it without her in my life which may sound harsh but I'm sure a few will agree that they have those thoughts to. I will be in a nursing home when I'm older, I don't have anyone else to take care of me as I have given up on relationships & career & have health issues and that's due to being her carer.

It won't be easy for you but definitely start looking at facilities now! The waiting list can be long unless she goes straight from hospital. You have to tell nurses and drs that you need her assessed as she isn't coming home. I live in Australia so it might be different where you live.

If your mum was 40 years younger I bet she wouldn't want to be this burden on her daughter's life & she would want her daughter to live her own life.