Between my son and me, we have cared for my mother for 13 years. I alone have been caring for her 11 years. Last weekend my brother and his wife came to visit my mother. I started to vent about taking full 24/7 care for her. Tears were flowing from my eyes while I took out my frustrations. On top of caring for my mother, I am babysitting my 8 year old grand daughter until school starts. I am at my boiling point overwhelmed with too much stress.
When I mention a nursing facility to my mother, she tells me I'm throwing her away. Then my temper festers and I say hateful things. Like why can't my brother and wife take on some responsibility? She does not like my brother's wife and refuses to visit them. I don't know how my brother thinks I can handle everything with my many health problems. They are well off financially and have 3 empty bedrooms in their home. I tried to remain neutral and calm but since they have left, I am miserable.
I have anxiety and major clinical depression as well as dealing with pain management issues with my back and being isolated in a small apartment has been very challenging. My brother makes up excuses and always uses the same argument that the drive is too long and difficult to do. I think I have more than paid my dues to my mother and that she should be more compliant with my desire to place her in a good facility. I try to be kind to my sibling but now I wish I could just drop her off on his door step and give him the opportunity to spend time helping her as I have been doing. I really don't know what to do as I have been crying uncontrollably since they left to return to their home.
I feel for you, It is hard. Keep talking to her and if it gets to th point wher you cannot go on because of your own Mental stability, Mom will have to understand, won't she? The doctor can arrange for someone from an Aged Care place to Interview her and to help weigh those options for You and Mom...Consider it.
Until this moment, I didn't even consider that such social services existed. Great contribution. :)
One of your burdens will be gone since school starts soon. Why would your child ask you to take care of an 8yr old knowing your fustrations with caring for your mother already?
I understand that your son helps but he should put his child in a summer camp since youre already overwhelmed.
If you think you should place your mother in some type of home do it. Do your Mom stay with you or do you stay with your Mom?
If the only reason why your Mom dont want to go stay with your brother is not liking his wife oh well shell get over it for 2-3 weeks while you recoup.
The only other thing that you can do is vent and get over it.....take care...
Peace and blessings.
Suppose your brother and his wife had walked in and that was your cue to walk out of your front door, get in your car, and go for a week to a health spa for massage and a pedicure and long, lovely sleep?
You'd have slept all the better, with a beaming smile on your face, for thinking of two grown adults trying to cope with everything you have on your hands every day.
Right, snapping out of it - it's the "you're throwing me away" baloney you need to tackle. Not your brother's head in the sand approach, not the personality clash between your mother and your SIL, not the "what's WRONG with me for feeling like this?" issue.
You are in shreds because you are doing, in fact, not one person's but roughly five people's work (counting half for eight year old). It has to change.
Back later, hugs to you meanwhile.
It's only been a few months for us, not 13 years like you, and we are discussing putting him in a NH because we all live a distance apart. I have to stay with him in his apartment becauae he a wanderer and it's dangerous for him with his dementia.
So I salute you, you have done your Best and I agree with the other answers; for your own good it's time for a NH.
It's Time for your Healing & Decompression.
God Bless You!
I think you are stuck on all the , "whys?"
That is a recording in your head.
Time to change what questions your riddles with...
I noticed you saying, I have no one to help me begin the process..
Lets start one thing at a time..
#1-does she qualify for Medicaid?
#2- are you capable of filling out the paperwork if its needed? (Or making appt with COUNTY SRVCS.)
CINDY
My brother passed away last year and I am now living with my dad taking care of him because he does not want to go in a nursing home either. I look at it like tis they took care of me for over 18 years snd it is my turn to take care of them. Yes I get stressed, yes I wish I could move back to my house...but then I stop and think what kind of person would I be they taught me to love and care for others.
May you have the strength to get you through this. You can send me a message if you ever need to blow off steam. I wish you hope and my prayers are with you.
FYI ... nobody asks to go to a NH but many bloom once there - the improvements in the last few decades is tremendous - my mom went to 10 activities a week plus religious ones - at home she was alone with a tv all the time - quality of life is important too for both your mom & you
My mother lived with me and my husband for a little while but we quickly realized it wasn't going to work. Fortunately, she was ok financially and she has lived in several places over the years, independent living, then assisted living and now memory care. The sooner you find a place for her the better. You need your energy for yourself. You will find that she will still demand much of your time and energy. Get her placed. Take care of yourself. Live your life.
Believe me, it's still not easy watching their decline and their lives drag on and on. The role you are in is thankless and if your mom is like mine, she will suck every ounce of life out of you if given the opportunity. Sadly, I know my mom no longer has the ability to realize it.
You too have a life and deserve to enjoy and live it.
besides, it leaves them speechless.
You’re better than me! Wow, I am impressed. I have done that in the past but like the OP I have run out of steam.
As far as your Mom goes, being in a facility is expensive - what are her finances like? Have you investigated the cost and used an elder attorney to help figure out how to pay for it (NOT use your money)?
As far as your brother - for the time being, investigate the cost of hiring an at-home service (Elder's Helpers, etc) to care for your mom at least 2 days a week, or the cost of an elder-day-care, and then propose to your brother that he pay for that cost to give you a break away from caregiving your mom in lieu of their assistance.
In short - you're overwhelmed, and expecting anyone but you to make significant changes in your caregiver routine is not going to happen. Your Mom is saying things to make you feel guilty into keeping her with you, but your health is more important at this point. And unless you make the changes necessary, nothing will change.
I would tell them how you feel. overwhelmed and at your wits end.
I would than tell them if they are not willing to take mom for a week or two here and there, to give you a well needed break ,than tell them as her only caretaker you will have no option but to put her in a nursing home.
than examine your options as nursing homes.
question: have you ever thought of moving mom to your home?
do you have the room? that would help you out since you have children and husband there for support.
Personally I would give him the 'opportunity' to step up; tell him you're at your limit and need help. He can either provide it himself or he can buy his way out of it by paying for a caregiver to help you every day or some days. It's his parent, too; my observation is some siblings are happy to let someone else martyr themselves caring for a parent while they do next to nothing.
We teach people how to treat us. Put your foot down and put the situation back in his lap. If that means she goes to a facility because he won't step up, so be it. You've done your time.
I encourage you to talk to a counsellor and/or doctor about how to meet (improve?) your own health needs while caring for mom. Maybe you need to hire homecare aides to give you some time off - daily and weekly. Talk with your brother about the kinds of care mom needs and ask how he would contribute. Some folks take turns caring for LO. Others contribute money, Sadly, some do none of either. Some insurance plans cover respite care - which it sounds like you desperately need.
As an RN, I strongly encourage you to make some changes for your own sake. You can only take care of others health from a place of your own health.
But take heart! Get your mom in a nursing facility, get your granddaughter into school and say, "No" from now on. The world will keep spinning. People won't die, and you, will feel 100% better. If you think you will feel guilty, that's a moot point. You already feel guilty just thinking about putting mom in a nursing home. You won't feel more guilty than you already do. In fact, you will begin to see how this is so much better for her - friends, activities, new faces, someone else to complain to, etc.
As far as your brother and his wife is concerned, they will not show up until your mom passes so expect this. At least by then, you will have the strength to say "No" when they come in to ravage through all of Mom's belongings and inheritance.
Get your strength back now. You will need it, and trust me, the Nursing Home is not going to "kill" your mom. It's her decision to embrace a new home or not.