How are you coping with your parent's loneliness?

The real question is ‘how is SHE coping with it?’. At 70, she probably has many years of life left. She needs to be in charge of her own life herself, working out how to find things for herself to do that fit in with the limitations she has to deal with. Acting as though you are the one who is responsible, is not going to do her any good at all, in fact will make things worse.

I’m 76, and I was shocked to read your post. How about you ask her for her plans?

I came here to say what Margaret said.

I took a 2 week trip to Croatia and Slovenia when I needed a hip replacement and had bone-on-bone pain to contend with. I brought a cane and did my best, and hung onto hubbys arm a lot. We had a blast.

If mom can sit down, she can join a book club or a senior center or any number of groups to stay in touch with others. Even if she has to travel in a wheelchair, elders get out and about ALL the time that way.

If mom is lonely, ask her what she plans to do about it?

AARP may still have a service of volunteers who call and make conversation with senior citizens. It's nationwide and maybe international. Check their website and find out.

Her age, 70, is nothing! My friend had a hip replacement 2 years ago at age 97. He recovered and at 99 he still plays golf sometimes, though not as much. Has your mom had hip replacement, and if so, did she complete therapy? I cant imagine why anyone would be incapacitated by hip problems at age 70 when there are so many techniques to fix them.

For a long while, I felt bad about my mother being lonely. 😞

She’d complain about it, but wouldn’t ever take any steps to help herself. 😏

Sometimes, I would invite her to do things-volunteer in my classroom, meet people, etc. 🙂

Eventually, I gave up. She never took responsibility for her own socialization. 😫

Now, Mom is in memory care. She still talks about being “alone”. People are literally steps away from her room. Her answer now is, “I don’t mean “those” kind of people.”😩

I have to let it go. Otherwise, thinking about it makes me feel nutty. 🤪

P.S. Budef, if you feel mom is depressed which is causing her to hermit herself, see if you can talk to her doc about getting her on anti depressants. That's what I did with my mother and Wellbutrin helped her tremendously.

I am always mystified when one thinks they are responsible to make another happy as that cannot be done.

My mother is in AL, she uses a walker and joins in on everything, others are in wheelchairs they do as well.

If your mother is not in AL that well may be where she should be, she can make friends and participate in activities.

If all she has is hip problems she is lucky. And like said, there are things that can be done for hips. 70 is not old. I am 74. Mom has to find a way to resolve her lonliness. Medicare will help pay for wheelchairs and scooters. In my county there is Senior bussing and they provide day trips. Church is a great way to meet people and volunteer. Libraries have book clubs and other interesting things. But Mom needs to make the effort. You have a life of your own. Me, I am not an entertainer. I don't play cards or games. I will visit and I will take you shopping. You can't be everything to Mom.

I would speak with your mother.
You are doing a lot of guesswork here. You apparently haven't discussed this at length with her.
I would be interested in hearing what she has to say.
You are looking at things from your own perspective. Hers may be very different.

My mom is/was lonely too. She relied too heavily on me and my kids for entertainment in the early stages of her cognitive decline and we just could not provide enough for her. Well, would not is more like it. I'm not giving up my social life because she wouldn't do anything I suggested. She couldn't really self start. I wanted her to go to the senior center. She went to visit but didn't like it. OK. I should have gone with her and forced her to at least give it a try cuz I think she would have liked it. But it was half an hour away and I was worried about her driving (and her privileges were revoked soon enough) so that made it challenging too.

So, yes your mom should take more responsibility for her own social life. Give her a hard push if needed. Does she have any friends? Tell her to invite them over. Have tea and cookies. Play a game. Do a puzzle. Something! If she won't help herself, as my mom wouldn't, then there's only so much you can or should do.

I think it's a common part of elder life as their worlds get smaller.

What kind of hip problems does she have? Does she need a replacement? If so, I'd get right on that because if her mobility can be improved, it could really improve her quality of life. I had my mom get both her knees replaced in her mid 70s. Without that, she'd probably be in a wheelchair by now.

Best of luck.

Speaking from experience, it sounds like depression. At 70, if she was motivated to get back to her old life, she could. Depression comes on for many reasons (and sometimes it is innate), but if she never suffered from it before, hip surgery and recovery could easily bring it on. It saps people of motivation. Talk with her about how she is truly feeling about recovery, her thoughts about aging, and her future. If warranted, discuss a therapist and/or trying a light antidepressant. It could change her life!

Does your Mom partake of social media at all? You can, on Facebook, develop a solid friendship with a few people that keeps you learning and engaged. Might she be able to do that?

Have you or she discussed placement in ALF? For some the social outlet is the high point of all that with lots of activities and visiting.

Independent Living and Assisted Living can offer opportunities to meet new people and participate in organized activities with an activities director. Having her join the YMCA and senior center events can bring physical and mental health benefits.

My husband and I are 70 and I can't imagine not handling our own lives and social things. We actually feel like we're in our 50's and I'm not bragging because all of those I know that are 70-75ish feel the same as us. Is she shy, has she ever had friends? Maybe a church could get her socially involved.

Have mom rekindle a hobby. There are great groups to be a part of and social activities to enjoy. It doesn't need to be a physical activity... I'm sure knitting, crocheting, painting, etc. Is she a member of a church? They may have a older singles group that have activities each month. Also, I was told that learning a new hobby is good for the brain something challenging.

I feel exactly the same as you. My dad was the social butterfly. He talked to everyone and never knew a stranger. My mom is very shy. When we lost Dad, she just became more and more withdrawn. She didn't want to join anything or make new friends because "they'll just die too". She was mostly interested in telling anyone who would listen how wonderful my dad was and how she had the best life. That's lovely, but when it's a broken record, it's also frustrating because, like someone said, she would not take responsibility for her own socialization. She depended on me and only me. I'm just ad quiet as her! And she is not interested in anything I like to do or anything I talk about. Putting her in memory care has been a revelation. When they told me she participated in exercise class I about fell over. She likes to talk about "those people" and how she is not one of them, but she also says everyone there is very nice to her. So I hope she will someday make some friends. (She's been there less than a week.)

Good Evening,

How about calling on the Church...you don't have to be out every night of the week joining activities but you just want people to notice if you are missing. The parishioners will come visit.

Loneliness and isolation are not good at any age. You didn't specify your mother's living arrangement. Breaking bread together is the best medicine.

There are "day" even 1/2 day morning programs. When my mother was able I would bring her once a week. There are also facilities that provide transportation--continental breakfast, hot lunch and exercise are usually provided. There is a fee. Your health insurance will cover physical therapy, speech and occupational therapy. There was an RN on duty at the facility my mother attended. I drove her to and from.

Prior to mother's decline, my mother attended daily Mass for as long as I can remember. She became very informed having been widowed at 56 years old. Parents married young so the 4 kids were adults when dad passed--thank the Lord. It was hard for her but she made a life and is now 85 years old.

Mom learned to maneuver the "Senior Citizen" centers...painting class on Tuesday, TaiChi on Wednesday and stuffed peppers on Friday.

I know when you're convalescent it's harder to get around. But, bring people in and not medical personnel but the neighbors, etc. Coffee, quiche and conversation go a long way. Every Sunday the Eucharistic Minister comes to visit mother with Communion, a Church Bulletin, a prayer and update on the latest happenings. Mother still gives her budget.

If mother doesn't belong to one, find a Church and register...you won't be sorry!

Every 5-6 weeks I call 2 of the Church ladies and we have coffee and quiche. We sit and chat for 2-3 hours and have a lot of laughs. I never have anyone refuse me. We are single, divorced, widowed and one with Dementia; we all need one another.

Their life becomes smaller when your loved one's health declines but you have to look at what you have left to work with right in your surrounding area.

Start with something small. The technology isn't enough. An UpWalker Lite gave my mother freedom. She was in bad shape during the Pandemic when the Lewy Body went full blown but has made strides with exercise and socialization.

I hope I was of some help to you. I know it's hard but take baby steps and get mother some fresh air too and a fresh bouquet of flowers at the market. Good walking shoes are a must and if your mother is able to get to the hairdresser's in town, what woman doesn't feel better coming out of the salon!

Ask your mom if she is lonely. Brainstorm with her about ways she can socialize - as much as she prefers. Let her then take the lead on making those adjustments in her life.

If you suspect she has depression, get her an appointment with her doctor or a psychiatrist. Seniors often suffer from depression, which is like the "common cold" of mental health. Luckily, there are many treatment options.

It is so easy at this age, when one is retired and having medical issues, to stay isolated. It just feels like too much effort and work to get out there and interact/socialize with others. My mother, who passed away at 95 nearly 2 years ago, lived alone since was 67 and she enjoyed every single day. She had hobbies and interests, she participated in outings with her community, she went to lunch with neighbors, etc. But then there were long stretches when she didn't want to do anything with anybody. But it was always her choice and her decision.

Can your mother drive thereby perhaps participating at a local senior center where they have all kinds of activities and where she could meet others? What about asking someone from her church - sometimes there are groups whose sole purpose is to visit with those who are isolated and alone. Is there somewhere she could volunteer - even if sitting at a front desk and greeting others?

I fully understand the hip issue limiting her doing things -at almost 70 - my excruciating hip pain has limited my ability and desire to do activities. However, am scheduled to have a hip replacement in a few months and know that it will certainly make things better. So, perhaps medical appt with a hip replacement surgeon to get a plan going?

You can't force her to do things- she needs to want to do them. And if she is depressed, this will affect her desires to engage in anything. An appointment with her doctor who could prescribe a short term round of anti-depressants could give her the boost to start?

Having had my own bouts loneliness (who hasn’t?) and shyness at different times in my life I can truly say that the one thing that makes it worse is when someone points it out by saying why are you lonely and shy? That just adds a feeling of being somehow inadequate. I have found that trying a variety social outings and activities helps. From simple things like a ride to the local ice cream stand to church groups or yoga or senior daycare or something new, any kind of stimulation or social interaction you can come up with gives her an opportunity to passively or actively be a part of life. If she can’t get out, see if you can bring those opportunities to her. I had a friend who teaches yoga come one day a week to do very simple yoga movements with my mother while she sat in her chair. She loved it. When I have friends over I try to include her for part of the visit. I had another friend who plays flute come over and serenade her one day. Use your imagination!

Budef1: Look to her town's senior center.

Does she have friends? Can she zoom with them? Close friends are hard to find and maintain as a senior but old friends with whom you have a history connect with love and knowing you for years.