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I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. How are we supposed to handle being constantly accused of all kinds of nonsense on top of everything else we have to do to care for a LO with dementia? My mom has created quite the intricate web of stories to explain this growing group of hallucinations she has daily (day and night). Of course these people bother her because my husband and I have invited them here specifically to upset her. Whey would we do such a thing? Because we think it's funny and we are trying to make her crazy and kill her. Those are the most extreme accusations and we pretty much hear that daily, dependent upon her mood. Then mixed in throughout the day are things like "my wallet is missing" - it's locked in the safe. "I can't find my cell phone, you were just in my room doing something with it so where did you put it?" - you just went into your room with your cell phone so where did YOU put it? I just found it hidden in the pocket of her walker. Of course it's my fault it's there. This started an entire tirade about how I am treating her like a young school girl and how I want to verbally attack her every single chance I get. What kind of daughter does this to her mother etc. It literally goes on and on and on and on with no break. Today I just lost it with her. I get that it's the disease talking but she says crap she used to say before the dementia ever set in and I think that's what really gets me. EVERYTHING is about her and her needs. My husband and I are totally sleep deprived and have busted our asses trying to take care of her 24/7 and this is complete and total bullshit. How is anyone supposed to care for someone with dementia? I am most certainly a failure at it and I am not afraid to admit this is beyond anything I think I can handle. This is professional care territory all the way. How can non-professionals possibly deal with this???


Oh, our "finding a caregiver" update...someone was supposed to start today but she wasn't feeling well and the agency has sent her to get tested for Covid!!! This is a no win situation across the board!

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Sounds like time for your mother to move to a place where she can be cared for by trained professionals who specialize in dementia care. You’ve done all you can and admit you’re burned out, and that’s okay. It’s not good for either of you to continue as you are. Please start looking for a memory care place for her now. You’ll still be her caregiver, but one who can think straight and oversee her care, not a constantly tired and frustrated one
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It looks as though you will soon enough have to make decisions about what you want your own and your husband's life to be in the future. It is likely time for placement for your Mother, so that you can have a decent life. You have pinpointed already that it is "the disease" talking. You are correct. And it will not get better. In fact it will get worse. Do consider now your options going forward.
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It is time to research appropriate placement for you Mom. You are right, she does need care you are not trained to provide, but your are NOT a failure. You have done all you can, and now it is time to turn it never to the professionals. Both you and your husband deserve to rest at night.
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When my MIL was like this towards the end the doctor gave us a pill that actually calmed her, and usually she slept for a few hours when she woke she was calmer.
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If I had to care for my demented mother at home, I'd literally shoot myself. No way on earth am I capable of such a thing. After speaking with her for 10 minutes on the phone I feel like ripping my hair out half the time, so dealing with her nonsense 24/7 would be sheer torture. She lives in a Memory Care community because that's where BOTH of us can thrive best. She gets great care and I get to live instead of shooting myself. I still do a TON of things for her, so the involvement doesn't end with placement...make no mistake about that. Those that think we DUMP our mothers off in care and are free and happy as larks have no idea what they're taking about.

Do what's best for BOTH of you and go tour some Memory Care ALFs asap. Look for a privately owned place vs. a corporate owned one.....big difference, I've found, since I've dealt with both. Corporate is only after $$$$ while private puts the residents needs first.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
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cherokeewaha Jul 2020
So very true. I was moms caregiver with help from my niece (her grand daughter). Mom insisted on living alone but, I was called a couple of times a week to come pick her up out of the floor or yard. She threatened everyone with a gun which was removed by my brother who would come every couple of weeks and ask for money. I got the checkbook and he got the boot. Her last big fall at home put her in the hospital at Christmas and when they tried to release her, my niece and I refused to take her home and contacted her doctor who said NO. She had to go into a memory unit and then skilled nursing. I still was on call 24/7 for everything. She accused everyone of stealing her stuff. Some of it was taken including her shoes, glasses and drinks we put in her little refrigerator. It is hard on the care giver to step aside even knowing we couldn't care for her any longer.
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You are not a failure. You have provided care to the limit of your abilities.

Now it is time for professionals to step up, preferably in a facility so you and your dh get your life back.
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You're tired; you're burned out and this has got to end. Work with your mom's doctor and tell him that she's hallucinating, paranoid and that you can't do this anymore. You have not mentioned finances or power of attorney (POA). You many need to get those things sorted out. Work with a good elder law attorney. Call your local bar association or law school and see if anyone will do it pro bono (for free). You mom's doctor may be able to help place her in assisted living or in memory care. It sounds like she's ready for memory care, but it will be more expensive. Right now I have my mom in a small group home with 5 other ladies. Everyone in the home has Alzheimer's or some form of dementia, so the caregivers are great at dealing with the issues. Good luck and prayers for your return to peace.
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I could have written your post. It has been a year and half since mom’s stroke and a year March that I took her home with me after seeing the care at local rehabilitation places.
she had many episodes like this in the beginning while the brain was healing but they have since gotten worse.
My home is not set up still to have a caregiver where I could actually leave my home as I also work from home (it is open living area downstairs so my work is everywhere and I cannot move it or I will never remember where I left off or ever complete it). I haven’t in a year and half had the time to complete any plan to create mom a space as I have literally just been living in survival mode. Just when I thought I was ready and she was strong enough to try an adult daycare so I could start organizing life Covid hit.
I feel like you most days -I am losing my mind. My mom was my best friend - though I would never even before her stroke been able to live or vacation with her 24/7 - we were still best friends. The attacks and vial things she says somedays really wore my already exhausted soul down.
I'm not sure what state you are in but with Covid I do not feel she is safe at a facility and I’m also worried about having caregivers in the home - as they are exposed to so many vulnerable right now. Like you I’m losing my mind in the what with happen when I walk through the room and who will I get moments.
I am attempting to now work on acceptance and not trying to explain to her anymore - but a stroke brain is so much harder to guess wether to keep pushing her ahead or to make peace with it. I say every day “I am not alone”, right now I can only tell you that you are not alone. I haven’t made it past any other decisions or choices to help you yet...but I can tell you that “your not alone” and “I can validate every last crazy meltdown moment you have had”. Hang in there.
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