Hospice vs my health and well being?

MIL stuck FIL in a nursing home for a couple weeks so she could regain her energy. Don't go every day to see her. Let her get acclimated to her new surroundings. You can call the nurses station and ask how she is. but let her stay there a day or so, let her get used to the place. Just tell her you were too busy, by the time, you were done, visiting hours are over.. if the have such a rule.

While on Hospice Medicare will pay for Respite.
Since mom is in a Hospice In Patient Unit for "symptom management" she might be able to remain there for her Respite time. And they may even add the Respite to the current stay. Please talk to the Social Worker or the Nurse at Hospice about doing that.
If she can not remain there for her Respite ask that she be placed in a facility for Respite. And if possible remain in the facility. Often a facility will have room/ a bed for a Hospice patient that they might not normally have available for a longer term resident.
You can ask the Hospice nurse about adding medication that will decrease anxiety and that might make things a bit easier for you BUT if you are burned out you need a break. You need to take care of yourself and your husband. You both need a break. And there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are burned out emotionally and physically.

Your mother is where she needs to be, receiving 24 hour professional care. You cannot replace that, she is in better hands where she is. She is no longer herself, but if she were of right mind she would not want you to feel guilty and sad. Parents don't want to be burden to their children, but by the time it happens they are usually no longer themselves.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's a very difficult time for both of you. Hospice should have a social worker for you to speak with. I wouldn't have made it through my father's hospice care without the social worker. Please please be gentle with yourself. You are a good daughter. Hugs to you.

I disagree with the sentiment of your last paragraph. Please think of this differently. You’re not choosing to be healthy at your mother’s expense. “Happy” is over for her, it’s not coming back no matter where she is. I’m there with my dad, life has simply become too hard at his age and with his problems that have no fixes, happy isn’t achievable any more. It’s sad, but the fact remains. You’ve not tortured your mother, you’ve found care for her with professionals that are trained to care for her. She’s blessed to have you, whether she can ever acknowledge that on not. Don’t listen to the endless loop of complaints, it changes nothing and only brings you both down. Keep the conversation pleasant, it will benefit you both. When it becomes negative and complaining, step away, get off the phone. I wish you wellness and peace

Your mom is being cared for. Step back a little and let her adjust. Of course she will guilt you but 13 years is enough.

You are entitled to live your life. Now it’s YOUR time.

My mom was in a NH for the last 14 months of her life. She had to go after she was found to be constipated and had a fecal impaction. No one knew. It was no one’s fault either.

She did not like it at all. Prior to her admission she had wandered outside in the middle of the night, left on an Oil Fryer and the oil started smoking and she almost burned her place down.

You have to steel yourself to the complaints and negativity. What’s worse is as a caring daughter/son, her complaints probably make you be able to make everything alright.

But you cannot.

Go to your car after the visits and cry. I did- many times. Take it day by day but don’t bring her back home. At our age (I am 62) physically it’s impossible to do it all.

Go see her, care conferences, etc. Assure her needs are being met and be her advocate while there. All of the above is being a good daughter, which you have been. But it’s time for you now.

Best of luck to stay strong !

Part of her dementia is that they literally no longer care at all what they put their families thru. So there is no awareness that she is slowly killing you. There are often not even thanks. It becomes necessary to stop expecting any of the behavior that you used to see from your LO. That LO is gone. If she is admitted to inpatient hospice unit, she must have expectation of a short life expectancy. She may still improve and no longer qualify. So you might want to identify a memory care facility for her to go to just in case. Even with Covid, I would not consider having her back to your house. This really could kill you.

Ladybug518, it took me several years to realize that my parents [in their 90's and still living in their house] were viewing me like I was still in my 20's and 30's with a ton of energy. Well, that ship had sailed decades ago.

I had to learn to say "sorry, I can't possibly do that" over and over until it became second nature.

The only time my parents had backed off was when I fell and broke my arm. Wearing a sling was a great visual prop :) So is walking with a cane. I remember one time my parents and I going into the doctor's office, all three of use with canes [for me it was pinched nerve in my back].

Now, here is one thing that will make one stand up at attention.... up to 40% of caregivers taking care of a love will die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Then what? If there are no other relatives to help out, the love one would be placed in senior living.

I'm so sorry you are going through such an ordeal; you surely do not deserve this guilt trip after devoting 13 years of your life to caregiving. You are no longer in the position to care for your mother who has too many issues and needs more help than you are capable of providing her with. Period. I am sorry mother, but my health is in jeopardy now and I am under doctor's orders to stop the care giving role.

You are not making this decision 'at your mother's expense.' You are making a decision based on the reality of the situation which calls for more care than you can provide her.

My mother is 93 and living in a Memory Care ALF (in care since 2014) and lately, she keeps mentioning how she has 'her bags packed' and how she's 'ready to leave' because there's 'nothing wrong with her' and the same goes for her friend Carolyn. They 'don't belong' there. Well, mother, I cannot even GET YOU up the stairs INTO my house since you are wheelchair bound, plus you have entirely too many issues for me to handle at home; I simply am not qualified. That is what I tell her every time she brings the subject up.

And lately, I find myself cutting down the time I spend with her on the phone due to the guilt trip she feels the need to lay on me. I don't deserve it. I will be 63 next month and have enough health issues of my OWN to deal with, never mind taking HER in! Not. Gonna. Happen.

You've done enough, my friend. Let your mother adjust to her new environment and pick ONE time each day to check in with her by phone. That's plenty.

Good luck!

You've already given her 13 years of your life to care for her, so please don't beat yourself up about wanting/needing to care for yourself now. Sounds like she's where she needs to be right now and you need to do what's best for you and your husband. She hasn't been there long enough to really know whether or not she likes it. Sounds like she just knows what buttons to push with you in hopes that you'll cave in and take her home. Give her time to adjust and yourself too. And if she's able to understand at all with her dementia, explain to her that you just can't take care of her any more like the folks at the facility can. It honestly sounds like you won't be happy either way, having a "zombie" mom at home or a unhappy mom at the hospice facility. I guess you must decide which is the lesser of 2 evils. Don't rush to any decisions right now. Give it time.

One day is not enough time for her to adjust. Not saying she will entirely. They always want to go home. But Mom will get the care she needs there. You are aware you can't do it anymore. That's OK. Let others care for her now. She will be kept comfortable. It is what she and you need.