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Hello, I am looking for some advice about how to deal with a stepmother who is not nice to my elderly, sick father and who is very abusive towards me. My father married her over 20 years ago (and didn't tell anyone he got married until later). My brother and I were in our early teens, and not told about it or invited to the wedding. I was young then (early teenager) and she threw out my things from my father's house (I used to stay every second weekend at my dad's house). She threw away my bed, clothing and belongings and she moved all her things in. For the last 20 years she has made my life hell and been cruel and nasty at every possible occasion. She calls me unattractive and stupid and every time I go to see my dad she makes nasty comments about me. My dad has done nothing about her verbal abuse towards me which has been very upsetting. I wanted him to stand up for me, which he never did. I am disappointed with him as a father that he married such a witch. I should mention my father is quite well off and has some money, which she told me is the reason she married him as she wants a nice lifestyle. I think my father knows that too. She is also a lot younger than my Dad.


YEARS LATER, my dad is now 79, very sick and receiving palliative care at home. She has told my father he is to put her needs first and his children last. The issue is that she is very nasty to my father and I am witnessing it. She calls him lazy (he is on oxygen and can't walk) and repeatedly tells him that he is a burden to her. I have never heard her say a nice thing about him in over 20 years. She has started throwing out all his things (in front of him) and saying he will die soon and she is cleaning out the house so she can sell it and move back to her home country (good riddance to her), but it is very upsetting to watch. She had the house painted when he was on palliative care (he is on 24/7 oxygen and bed bound) and the painters said it was strange she did this when there was nothing wrong with the paint. She also got all the carpets replaced. She yells at him that he is in the way of her fixing up the house that she is selling (it makes me so angry and sad as it is HIS house).


I go to his house to see him and she abuses me and tells me how horrible her life is and she can't wait for him to die. I don't care about her one bit. BUT I care about my Dad. However, after every visit to see him I end up in tears because of her abuse. I cannot sleep. She tells me I am stupid, lazy and don't do anything properly. She just sent me a rude message telling me she is the most important person as a WIFE and I am to remember that she comes first. It makes me feel sick having any communication or contact with her.


YES, I have reported her to the police and the agencies but they cannot do anything as my father is choosing to stay with her (so please do not suggest that I contact services, as I have done that already with many agencies). Because they cannot find physical abuse, no one will do anything. She has verbally abused him for years telling him he is useless and stupid etc. I want to see and visit him at home, but I don't want to be abused by her. She does not like me visiting him and makes it very clear she doesn't want me to see him. I go to see him for about 30 mins every second day. He is very unwell and on palliative care. He will probably not live for much longer, but I go because I love him. He is my dad and I feel I need to check on him. I have asked social services if he can be moved to a hospice (where I could visit him without seeing her), but my Dad said he doesn't want to go. I want to check on him but I don't want to be abused by her. The choice is; Do I stop visiting my dad as her abuse is too upsetting for me? Sorry if this is long, it is difficult to explain everything. Thank you so much to anyone who can give advice to help me. I'm not sure if I am posting in the right forum. Please help.

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I know this thread is old but I just wanted to thank the OP, and give my condolences for your loss, as I am going through a situation that is somewhat similar, and though it is sad, I'm glad to know I am not the only one.

My dad lives with my stepmother (his 3rd wife, I am a child from his first marriage) about 1,000 miles away from where I live. He had been living with me while he went through some health struggles, but we brought him back to good health (better than when he arrived) with a renewed life expectancy, so about a month ago he returned to his home with his wife. Over the first week or so we texted a couple of times. But then after about a week went by, I reached out to him again and got no reply.

After trying to reach him for a week, I finally reached out to his wife to find out if his contact information had changed. She has taken away his phone. She will not allow me to speak to him by calling her number. She will not allow him to receive email or even physical mail. Fortunately she said all of this in text messages, so I have it in writing, as I know that forced isolation from family is considered elder abuse in their state.

I have made a report to Adult Protective Services. I'm not sure what will happen now, my expectations are kind of low based on what I've read in this forum. My dad is on dialysis and I have concerns that she will prevent him from receiving treatment, or convince him that he no longer desires to receive those treatments. (They are broke, but there is a life insurance policy on my dad that will pay out significantly more if he passes in the next 2 months, before he turns 75.) I don't really know what else I can do, it is not realistic for me to physically travel to keep an eye on him. I may contact his dialysis center and ask if they can notify me if he misses appointments or stops receiving treatment. We have no family in the area who can check on him.

I refuse to speak with his wife 1:1, I have told her that all of our communication needs to be in writing, or we have a discussion that includes my dad. Because she will say things to me that she would deny to him, and I won't get involved in that.

Anyway, not really sure what I am looking for here but maybe just needed to get this out there...if anyone happens to see this and has advice I am all ears.
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Orangesky Dec 2022
Hello, thank you for your message and your wishes about my Dad (I am the original poster). It has been a very difficult time, and I am still in a lot of emotional pain. I still feel very angry that no one helped me or my Dad, and my stepmother not only got away with all her abuse, but she actually benefited financially from her abuse and got my dad's money and his house. These horrible stepmothers get financially rewarded for their abuse.

I am so very sorry you are going through a similar abuse situation with your stepmother; it is just awful and I wish I could help you. It's good you reported it to protective services and I really hope they can help you, but I will be realistic and let you know that I didn't receive any help from the authorities at all, despite the numerous reports I made.

It is horrible that your stepmother is stopping you from talking to your Dad. I have talked to many people and it seems many stepmothers are similar and they don't like their step children, particularly if there is any of your father's money involved. The actions of these horrible women is often about power and showing you that she is the boss of your father. Many of these women (and men - there are some horrible stepfathers out there too) thrive on power, control and greed. You cannot change her personality, and I'm not sure about your father's estate or circumstances, but usually they have a financial motive for the abuse.

It is good idea to contact his dialysis center and see if they can help him. Can you contact a neighbour or anyone else to check on your Dad? My stepmother isolated my father, and kept the phone out of reach of my father's bed (he was bedridden) and made it very difficult for him to call anyone or for me to speak to him.

I wish I had better advice for you, but unfortunately, it has been my experience that the laws are on the side of the spouse (even a spouse that greatly mistreats the person) and children are unfortunately not given much of a say over anything that happens to their parents. I am still very distressed over what happened to my father and I am very disappointed by the authorities as they did not intervene and they allow the abuse of the elderly to continue.

You could talk to a lawyer and try to get Power of Attorney and the ability to make decisions (medical, financial, legal etc.) on behalf of your Dad, I suspect your stepmother won't allow this to happen. You will need a lot of evidence if you want to challenge her (so it's good you are keeping emails, messages etc.).

You could also contact the Police in his area and ask them to do a 'welfare check' (say you haven't spoken to him for many weeks) on your father. Just be warned: You are in a horrific dilemma - If you raise concerns about how she abuses him, she will fight even harder against you and make your life hell. She will likely even treat your father even worse and be crueler to him - that was my experience, so it's a very tricky decision and situation to be in.

Please let me know how you go and happy to chat anytime.
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Also very sorry to hear your update. May your Dad now be resting in peace.

I know you cannot change what happened, but maybe in time, the grimness will change into something else.
Something you can live with while you go on with your own life, seeking out what makes your life stable & peaceful.. or wild fun if that suits better.
A big chapter has closed. The new chapter has started.
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Very sorry about your dad.
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Not sure how to edit my original post - but just wanted to say that my father passed away. In the final few weeks of my father's life, I took someone with me when I went to visit him and that seemed to make the stepmother behave herself a bit more (because I had a witness to her abusive behaviour then). It is interesting how she behaved much nicer when there were other people and there were other witnesses to see what she was doing. So this seems to me that she didn't have dementia or other health issues as she was well aware of her horrible abusive behaviour towards both me and my father (and she was able to 'control' her abuse depending on who was around). Disgusting vile woman.

Just wanted to mention this in case anyone else is going through a similar situation - take a friend, neighbour, spouse or someone with you everytime you visit, as it might make a difference to the abusive person's behaviour...
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I am so sorry for your loss.
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So sorry for the loss of your father.

APS should have investigated without proof of being incompetent. Doctors not being allowed in should have alerted them. The problem is the one being abused is afraid to speak up.

You don't have to answer this I am just curious. Did the step-mother get anything in the Will? Would love to think that Dad wised up and left her out of the Will.
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Orangesky Oct 2022
Yes, I think my father was frightened to speak up and also he didn't want to leave HIS house which is what might have happened if he said she was mistreating him. The witch produced his Will (written years ago) and she gets everything. Children (and grandchildren) got nothing. Yes, I spoke to a lawyer who said the Will seems genuine (it was witnessed by 2 reputable lawyers) so it seems nothing can be done. Unless I have thousands of dollars and want to challenge it, but my chances of winning are not good, so I guess I just have to let it all go and hope the universe sorts things out (and the witch gets her own karma).

But she controlled every single aspect of his life, so the Will would have been something she would have organised straight away. My father was not even allowed to have photos of his parents, or photos of his children or grandchildren. It's sad (and makes me angry) that he allowed her to treat him like that, and allowed her to treat HIS CHILDREN this way. He tolerated her abuse towards us.

It's a very sad situation but the lawyer I spoke to said this happens every day, and it's mainly young foreign women who go after older financially well off men. I don't know why the government doesn't warn older people about this as it seems to happen so often.
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If this is still occurring and you are witnessing verbal or or other abuse towards the patient, your father, Please do continue to report this to APS ( Adult Protective Services). As the reports continue to accumulate , different ways of addressing this may be implemented. If she, step mother , is verbally abusive to you, tell her to stop and that you will not be subjected to such verbal abuse.
This may be difficult, but sometimes bullies need to be confronted with firm facts such as , " Stop your verbal abuse , as it is inappropriate and I will not be subjected to it any longer." IF APS, ( Adult Protective Services) gets a phone call, which by the way can be done anonymously, they must follow up on it; and when they do, they will define boundaries regarding a caregivers behaviors and subsequent consequences if they continue to get such reports. She definitely is presented here with control issues , bullying, and self serving behaviors among others ; all of which can come from many different sources including
mental illness on her part, or most likely GREED and CONTROL driven. If your father is alert and oriented and deemed capable of mentally making decisions for himself, then sadly, his wishes made known will be followed. I would also speak with your pastor or faith leader and your own physician for your own support needs. prayers and peace.
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Orangesky Oct 2022
Thank you for your message. Unfortunately my father passed away (of natural causes but mainly caused by pneumonia).

I did contact many agencies but they did nothing other than ask if I had proof of dementia and then say if he doesn't have dementia (or a cognitive problem), it is his free choice to stay living with her and the agencies cannot investigate, or step in and remove him. If he had dementia (and I would have had to provide medical evidence of it), then maybe they could help. But he was bedridden and she would not let doctors into the house. It is all extremely difficult to prove and get help with. I was told that if he doesn't have dementia and he is agreeable to staying there with her (no matter how elderly, sick or vulnerable he is) they cannot do anything as he is there of his own choice.

The agencies did nothing. The police do nothing and said they cannot do anything unless there is specific evidence of physical abuse or unless the person calls up themselves to lodge a complaint. I know you mean well in your comments by saying the agencies will help, but it has been my experience that agencies will NOT help unless you have actual physical proof and evidence that you can give them (photos, recordings, doctor's testimony, statements from neighbours etc.).

I contacted them several times and the agencies did nothing. Sadly, no one cared or actually provided any help. They all pretended to care, but unless I could provide specific evidence and actual photographs of physical abuse like bruises or broken bones and statements from doctors, they will not intervene. The agencies prioritise physical abuse cases (and even then, from talking to others I know, that is really hard to prove), and they were not interested in my situation which involved bullying behaviour of a vulnerable elderly person, and coercive control. It is not high on their list of priorities.

Sadly, domestic violence (like coercive control) and elder abuse is very common. To all those going through this sort of thing (any type of abusive situation), I wish you well and lots of luck, and hope things work out for you and your loved ones, as it is really awful. I still don't sleep well at night and not sure how I will ever move on from this.
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This is an old post.
I am wondering what became of your Dad?

I’m sorry you are going through this. As the other posters mentioned, your Dad picked her. It is quite possible he knew all along he would outlive her and maybe was counting on her to be a good nurse.
I also have a stepmother. My father is actually in much better health than her, but her self pity is dragging him down. He is older and has always been much more physically active than his wife. I think he too expected his younger wife to take care of him in his old age. Unfortunately I do not live nearby at all and cannot drop in.

Whenever I do go there or speak to him on the phone, the situation is evident to me. It is hard to witness.
Any type of elder abuse - physical, verbal, emotional, psychological - is morally reprehensible.
If you are lucky enough to live nearby, I would continue to stop in from time to time. Can you take him outside in a wheelchair? Visit him privately? Can you bring a friend for moral support?
As you are his child I do not think the stepmother can prohibit you from seeing him.
I understand that watching your Dad going down with this type of added stress is a painful experience. I am not a legal expert, but I do believe in most cases the spouse is the heir apparent if there is no language stating otherwise in his will. An elder attorney would have more knowledge of how to navigate the situation. Sometimes agencies, particularly during pandemic times, are understaffed and not able to effect any change.

As the other posters note, he picked her. That doesn’t give her the right to abuse him or you. Try to support him as much as you can and tune her out.
It is hard to see your father is suffering needlessly. However you can just do so much.

Let us know how you are doing now.
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Orangesky Oct 2022
Hello,
Thank you for your kind message of support. Unfortunately my father passed away. I had to call the ambulance for him. She gave him pneumonia (wouldn't put on any heating in the house for him). I am sad he has passed away but also relieved he is no longer suffering and he is finally away from her.

I'm beginning to see there is no real justice in this world. Society pretends to care about elder abuse and domestic abuse, but no agencies actually stepped in and did anything helpful at all. The whole situation has made me sick.
Thank you for your kind words. It has been hard to witness my father being treated so badly by such a greedy nasty witch. I can only hope God (or the universe) sees all, and karma comes back to her for the horrible way she treated him and his family.
I hope your situation improves. Step-parents can be really awful and unfortunately it seems to be quite common for them (women more so) to marry someone a lot older, deliberately alienate the children and then isolate the person (stop them from having friends, change their Will, spend up all their money etc), particularly with foreign brides.
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Idk if it’s legal, but can you somehow record her being mentally and verbally abusive to him? Like your phone when you visit? Just because there’s no physical abuse, maybe an agency can help out with proof of mental abuse. Ugh I’m sending you a huge hug !!!
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You’re not the only one witnessing her abuse..God has too…& he will even things out greater than any human can! You keep going to see your Dad. Please see an Elder Law Attorney asap. I feel for you even though I never met you. Do you have any siblings? If she was always nice before & suddenly became abusive…then I’d think she had dementia because those patients get abusive & at times violent..However, since she’s been this way always…then it’s been her plan all along to be a thug..& she got inside your vulnerable lonely Dad’s head to exclude you…& secretly marry…which should have been a BIG RED FLAG 🚩..but poor lonely vulnerable Dad didn’t see it. You need to continuously go check on Dad…in fact, if I were you, next visit I’d call ambulance 🚑 on your private phone so she don’t see you call & when ambulance arrives, you can then take control. You clue EMTs when they arrive that this woman is preventing him from getting proper care. & he needs to go to hospital. You need to get Power of Attorney. Let me know how it goes. HUGS HUGS HUGS 🤗
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Orangesky Jul 2022
Oh, thank you so much for your kind message. I have one brother who lives in another State and he agrees that she is awful and he hates visiting because of her. She has always been a very unkind person so it's not a new thing. Her plan seems that she always wanted a man to give her the lifestyle she wanted and unfortunately got her hands into my kind, lonely and vulnerable dad. I have continuously checked on my Dad and I did call the ambulance recently for him as I got very worried for him. He is now in hospital being checked, and she is trying to sell his house and go overseas. She doesn't want to pay for any of his care at all but wants to take every single thing she can from him. She makes me sick. I am also very sad he permitted her abuse towards himself and his children, I wish he stood up to her, but I guess it was easier for him to just let her get away with things.

Yes, you are very RIGHT - God sees all and hopefully one day she will account for the terrible and abusive way she has treated him.
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"My stepmother is from Poland. And tells me all the time how she cannot wait to go back to Poland and retire like a queen after she sells my dad's house (she calls it her house, even though it was my childhood home). She is motivated by greed."

Orangesky - You know, I think if she gets a load of money then goes back to Poland, she'll get herself a young honey who will in turn swindle her out of all the money, then he'll run off with a young pretty girl, leaving the greedy old hag empty handed. It's happened many time before.
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Orangesky, I had a similar situation.

This isn't all your stepmom, no doubt she's a first class piece of work but, your dad married her and allowed her to treat his children poorly.

My dad did the same thing and it took me a while to realize that he, my dad, could have put a stop to the nonsense and he chose not to. I believe that he got a sick pleasure out of his wife treating his daughter like competition.

Me, I was alienated by the abusive behavior and lies. Only to be asked for help when she divorced him because he was old and sick.

I had to protect my heart, as you do. He picked her, he enabled her and now he gets what he asked for.

It is really hard to watch our dad being mistreated by his choices but, as I say, karma is no lady, it's a b!+ch.

Try to come to terms with the reality of what is. Most importantly, don't subject yourself to more then you can cope with by visiting to often, do only what you can. Your dad knows you love him but, make sure your presence isn't making it harder on him. My dads thang made it miserable for him when I visited.

Find ways to make a game out of her and her nonsense. I would say things in my head instead of listening to stepmom flapping her gums. You remember how adults sound in Charlie Brown? Wah, wah wah wah, wah wah wah. Translate her words into that. Try to translate her words into pig Latin, make jokes when she starts in, of course, in your head. Try picturing her as different animals, you know like an ant eater or sloth or anything else that can bring a smile to you.

I am so sorry you are losing your dad and the relationship has been so dysfunctional for 2 decades. It's hard to lose the hope that things will change because he dies. Great big warm hug! You can get through this with your heart and head intact.

One thing I want to add. If dad has a will, maybe she doesn't get everything. If he doesn't, you be the 1st one to the court house and open probate. Because the wife doesn't just get everything unless there is a will. That's poetic justice for these people! :-)
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I think you should tape record your step mothers tirades and play it for everyone at dad's funeral. Just a little payback for her evil ways.

And it is very sad that dad is choosing to spend his limited time left on earth in misery by that sea hag he married.
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Orangesky Jul 2022
That's a good idea :) I love the term sea hag lol that is exactly what she is.
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Is there any chance that you would try to obtain Guardianship?
If there are reports to various agencies that might help.
If there are witnesses to her verbal abuse, mental abuse that might help.
You might even want to talk to the Social Worker with the Palliative / Hospice company that is providing Palliative care at this time.
And he can transition to Hospice at home he does not need to be in a Hospice In Patient Unit to get Hospice care.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2022
My concern here is that just today we already have a poster who lost guardianship by going to the courts, and now no one but the court appointed Fiduciary has anything to say about the care. A fight in court, and there would be one, will lead a Judge, who isn't King Solomon, to wring both hands and take it out of the hands of the relatives, possibly placing it in the hands of the State.
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Well, you have painted us a portrait of the stepmom from Hades!
You have been dealing with this for many years.
Your Dad married this woman, and from all you say she wasn't worth much from the very beginning, but your Dad chose to stay with her, and not to address her actions toward his own children. You say you have some difficult and complicated feelings about Dad because of this as well.
You are now at the end of the trail.
Am I right? Your Dad is in palliative care.
I am afraid the time for family mediation, family intervention, therapy, etc, is over now.
So here is where you are. Dad has not long to live.
I would try to change my attitude (yes, I am saying LIE if you must), make peace with your stepmom as she is currently the "lioness at the gate" no matter what you feel. As you say, you have already talked to all resources, and they cannot help.
So, swallow hard, take stepmom flowers and candy and commiserate with her all you need to, and keep things as good for Dad as you can in his last days.
The day your Dad is gone, walk away. Just walk away. You are free, and you will be able to pat your own back, tell yourself "GOOD JOB!" and get on with a wonderful life.
We can't change others. You have learned that the hardest way. I am sorry for your grief, for the difficulties of this situation, and I wish you the best. I hope you will update us. I hope Dad gets hospice and gets all the peace and relief at the end you can avail him of.
Best wishes.
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Orangesky Jul 2022
Yes, my Dad is receiving at home palliative care but they are not very helpful, a nurse visits once a week to check on him and that's about it. I have called up to ask if palliative care can visit him more often. I am very polite and civil to my stepmother. I have never said anything bad to her as I don't want her to block me from visiting. I don't yell at her or comment on anything or do anything wrong as I don't want to create anxiety and conflict for my Dad. But I have had over 20 years of her ongoing nastiness and I've had enough. I tolerate her yelling at me and I nod my head in sympathy when she says how horrible her life is. I am the one who took him to hospital when he was sick (she refused to call the ambulance) and I arranged carers to visit every day (and I pay the money for it). I will continue to be polite and civil, but I will not go out of my way to be nice to her as she is horrific. I've had enough of her repeated ongoing verbal abuse towards me.
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WOW! she is like a child - only into herself. You are blessed she has not locked you out!. You are not there for her but for Dad! Since she is only thinking of herself tell her you would like to relieve her of taking care of Dad for a while. Let her go to the store or take a walk or she can have her spa time now that you are there. Give her a candy, so she can leave you alone with him. Bribe her. Whatever it takes so that these last few times you can visit are peaceful.
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I am very sorry about this mess you are in. Me, if she started on me I would pick up my stuff and leave. I would tell Dad, that you cannot take her abuse and that every time she starts you will leave.

As for her messages, do not read them, if necessary, block her.

Keep your visits short, do not engage her, cut back on the number of times you visit him, set your boundaries, take back your power.

Since your father does nothing about the abuse to both him & you, it tells you the whole story, she indeed is his priority, he even puts her ahead of himself.

Sad, so many men are so very weak and have their priorities all screwed up.
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Orangesky Jul 2022
Yes, he is a weak man (he is gentle and kind) and she saw that from a mile away and took advantage of his gentle nature, but he should have stood up to her years ago. He is my father and I love him and care about him, but I am also angry at him for putting me in this situation (and allowing the abuse) and I feel guilty about being angry at a sick dying man.
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Anyone else thinking of the poster who's 60 y/o father wants to marry his wife's former caregiver, and is apparently already alienating the children?

What country is your stepmother from?

I honestly don't think there is much that you can do. Your father made his bed all those years ago.
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Orangesky Jul 2022
Oh no, that sounds like a horrible situation too. I really don't understand these people who want to alienate people's children from their lives. It is so cruel. My stepmother is from Poland. And tells me all the time how she cannot wait to go back to Poland and retire like a queen after she sells my dad's house (she calls it her house, even though it was my childhood home). She is motivated by greed. Yes it is sad my dad made his bed years ago by marrying her but I'm not sure even he knew back then how cruel she would turn out to be.
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Seems to me that dad who turned a blind eye towards his wife's abusive behavior is now getting the abuse directed toward him. I don't feel any sympathy for him at all. You were once defenseless children and he did nothing.

Unless he wants to leave her there is nothing you can do. If you confront her she will block you from seeing him. Dad made his bed and unfortunately this is the result.
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Orangesky Jul 2022
Yes, you are right. He is such a kind gentle man and she is so loud, mean and selfish. Everything is about her. He is so vulnerable now that I feel I should check on him as I am so worried and he is my Dad and I feel a duty to him. You are right, if I try to defend myself or say anything to her she will definitely block me from seeing him. It is awful having to accept being verbally abused. I am angry at my Dad for putting me in this situation.
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I agree with cxmoody. Keep visiting dad but wear the biggest set of headphones you can find to drown out the evil stepmothers voice.

This reminds me of what I did while having extensive dental work done in my 30s. I listened to Journey music at full volume thru headphones to drown out the sound of the drill. To this day, every time I hear a Journey song, chills run down my spine, and not in a good way 😣

Don't let the old cow prevent you from spending these last days with your dad. She should rot in hell for eternity for what she's doing.
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Orangesky Jul 2022
Thank you. Yes, I like the headphone idea, I'll have to choose the songs very carefully or I will forever hate them as they will remind me of her. She pretends to be a 'Christian' person too and prays all the time in front of me.
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So sorry that you are part of such a horrible situation. She's a real piece of work. Does your dad want to stay with her? Or go to a nursing home for some peace and quiet for the rest of his days?? I would not desert him but wow it's gotta be tough dealing with her.
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Orangesky Jul 2022
It is a really awful situation. I can't sleep at night and worry all the time about how she is treating him. I would really like him to be moved to a hospice or nursing home (I even got an organisation to come out and talk to him) but she abused me for doing that and told me it is not my place and I am interfering. He doesn't seem to want to leave her or go into care. It is hard to know as she is always standing over him and speaking for him. She listens on the phone if I call up. She said if I keep interfering in HER life she will stop me coming over.
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Keep going to see your father. But, from now, until he passes, go there wearing a LARGE set of headphones.

You could whisper, “Dad, I don’t like the way your wife speaks to you. I love you, and am going to sit here and hold your hand. I will have my music on, so as to keep my peace. If you want to chat, just hold up a hand, and signal me. I will turn off my music so that I can hear you.”

Every time your Dad’s wife starts to speak, switch those headphones on, until she is out of the room.

Kiss your Dad good bye as you leave, then click your music on, as you march out of there. Then, repeat each time you visit.

Ahhhh. Peace!
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Orangesky Jul 2022
Great idea, thank you! I might pick a song I already hate, so that way I don't associate other songs with her and her abuse. She will probably ask me to take the headphones off and say she wants to talk to me (about how her life is so hard and how she is doing up the house and what colour carpet do I like?). She makes me sick.
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So sorry that you are part of such a horrible situation. She's a real piece of work. Does your dad want to stay with her? Or go to a nursing home for some peace and quiet for the rest of his days?? I would not desert him but wow it's gotta be tough dealing with her.
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