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I had one of those horrible female biological parents. Lots of abuse of me and animal abuse, and she took bad care of my dad for 5 years until he died. My sainted grandmother tried to keep me safe by keeping me, but that couldn't last forever and that's when the abuse started, when I moved back with mthr right before my father died. (For those of you who don't know, I spell her name mthr because she was missing something important inside). I rescued her from her hoard, had her cancer cured, and placed her in a home close by where she was well taken care of.


Evil mthr died in the recent past, and I've waited until the legal coast was clear so those who financially abused mthr would not jump in (those vultures that I felt were circling in a previous post). I called her cousin that found me on FB at Christmas and she previously gave me her brother's phone # who had been close to mthr. He had not answered any Christmas cards from me in years, and I'm suspicious they stopped when I mentioned mthr's abuse in a letter, but I can't remember exactly. The cousin said that she would not tell her brother so I could. I left a VM yesterday.


On the phone with the girl cousin, I played the sweet bereaved daughter role. No point in bursting their bubble from 1960, or so I thought. What I did find out is that mthr had been a twit as a youngster and that she had given her parents trouble (not in the running around kind, in the arguing constantly kind). I left a VM for her brother who mthr was closer to in age and interests. But - I had a rough night. I feel like I was not honest with myself. I ground my teeth last night for the first time since mthr died.


I'd like to have extended family for once - this is part of the family that she kept me isolated from, so they would not know her secrets. Do I message female cousin on FB and tell her I'm just not up to telling male cousin, that she is welcome to? He has my message that I wanted to catch up; but his sister is expecting me to tell him about mthr's death. Do I tell them about her abuse? Or do I just continue to agree with their cheerful assessment of her personality?

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Surprise, I'd say "sorry for your loss" but I'm just happy for you that that part is finally over. I'm going to vote "no" on telling people about the abuse just yet. Let people who would sincerely grieve over her passing do so. You'll have plenty of time in the right circumstances, the right time and the right people to tell them. I would totally understand that not telling them right away may feel disingenuous and that finally getting it all out may be cathartic for you. I wish you peace in your heart as you move onward and upward!
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surprise Jun 2020
Geaton, thank you for being with me. These are not the people who saw the abuse going on, so I'm not mad at them. I can let them grieve the memory they have. That would be the nice thing to do, and I'm a nice person. I'm proud to say I'm rebelling against the way I was raised by mthr. Instead, I embrace the care and concern of my grandmother. ❤️
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Surprise, I think I would "catch up" with the cousin and do lots of listening. Your mthr was mentally ill and I would be curious to know from those who knew her back in the day if there were signs of that early on. Maybe owning to a "fraught" relationship with "difficult mother" might be honest enough for you and palatable enough for him? And maybe the start of a meaningful exchange.

The truth is that no one can tell you how to feel. If they disapprove of you for telling your truth, they are not folks you want to hang out with. I hope can find some peace. (((((Hugs))))))).
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surprise Jun 2020
Barb, those are good words to use. I know I reached out to my father's sister in law when I was a young married and her response was tsk tsk, grow up. I'm afraid of that happening again.

I'm afraid of loosing these new family connections... I actually remember going to this cousin's wedding but all I remember is a distant view of her in her dress in front of the church. I don't know that mthr actually appeared at the wedding. Cousin said she'd looked at her wedding pictures and didn't find us in them, which further boosts my suspicion that mthr did not actually join the festivities. But I think you are right about listening. I did lots of agreeing and mmm-hmming.
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Surprise, my mother was not abusive but...distant, I guess is the right word. She had a pretty awful childhood and I think that her idea of motherhood came from 1950s TV...everything was supposed to be perfect. A she had 3 imperfect children and a lot of dying elderly relatives who got dumped on her (and us).

My mom was the youngest child by many years in her family. I have a much older cousin who has been really helpful in articulating ways in which family tales have been relayed to me because my mother experienced stuff through the lens of a small child, while my cousin's mom, 12 years older saw them with a more mature eye. I understand a lot more about my mom's issues having heard some of this stuff.

As to your tsk tsk-er, I think at least in some families, there is more acknowledgement of how much damage a parent can do these days. Maybe not in yours. But I would make sure that these new relatives are a "safe space" before you open up to them.
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surprise Jun 2020
That's wise advice. They are not my therapist, and they were not part of the problem. Best to leave them out and just listen for clues. The arguments with her parents was news to me, and explains that it certainly was not me that made her that way. I've been examining the family lore and I don't know which parts come from my grandmother and which from mthr, but I'd like all of them to be accurate!
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I’m sorry for your loss, meaning the loss of a parent as it should have been, the loss of childhood spent carefree. I think there’s nothing wrong with honesty, you shouldn’t be faking your emotions, but the advice to listen is solid. I hope you’ll both find good people and relationships in your extended family and peace for yourself
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Surprise, lots of people keep their opinions to themselves if they don't have anything nice to say. That could, of course, apply just as well to both of your cousins, male and female. You can't very well come out and say out of the blue (to an apparently bereaved daughter, for example) "that woman was a bitch and I don't know why anyone still cared tuppence about her."

It's possible that the boy cousin stopped contacting you because he was so shocked at what you said in your letter. I'd have guessed it more likely that he stopped because he just didn't know what to say.

So... I think you have two choices. 1. discreet silence. 2. God's own truth, at least as it pertains to your experience of her.

You do need to make her death public anyway, and you can't leave it to the grapevine. Devise a formal statement of facts - "... to let you know that [name] passed away on [date] after [x years] of declining health," for example. That can't offend anybody, no matter what their private opinion of her.

What's wrong with being honest, though, as long as you're careful to be fair at the same time? Especially if you're hoping to have an ongoing relationship with your wider family, the relationship has got to based on some kind of truth or it will be meaningless.
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surprise Jun 2020
CM You always make me smile! I'm not even sure if I wrote anything to the male cousin to see if he could get her to change her hoarding - back when I had not recognized her illness. But I do know there came a pint where mthr was spreading very ugly things about me in town, and if her cousin had called during that time, she would have blistered his ears too. He told his sister he wanted to hear from me... He could have been being nice to her, assuming that I was the bad one. He's been away from the area where they grew up for 60 years, so he'd have no point of reference. So either way, he's most likely heard something. I'll keep that discreet silence.
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One thing that I say to people that have very different relationships with my parents is, "Yes, each relationship is different and we can never judge by our own experiences exactly what kind of relationships others have with one another." It says it all without telling them anything.

Unfortunately people really don't care about the abuse you suffered at someone's hands. So I would change the subject and try to have a relationship that doesn't include your mthr or her memory. Maybe say something glib, like I am glad for you that you had that kind of relationship with her and change the subject.

Great big warm hug! This situation just sucks from the word go.
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surprise Jun 2020
Ooh those are great words to use. I wouldn't want to dump on these people; they are not my therapist. But putting it that last way is perfect.
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This is a very interesting issue and one that I have contemplated for a while. I'm sorry that you had that abuse in your childhood. Even though it's from years ago, to our conscious mind, it seems fresh. I'm not sure how we really heal from childhood trauma. I think that counseling helps. In some ways, even as adults, we are still wounded.

When it comes to disclosing the abuse to other family members, it can be complicated. I am hesitant to burst the bubble for others who know this person in a very different way.

What I have discovered is that some abusers have a way of hiding their true self. They may be quite impressive with other family members, friends, neighbors, etc. And in fact, may be the IDEAL mother, friend, cousin, but, it's because they are adept at lying and keeping their role as an abuser behind closed doors.

With my situation, I have determined that this person DID have some good traits. She did help others in need at times and was a good friend to a lot of people. THOSE people who she treated well, are not likely to want to hear what I have to say. I wonder if it would even register. They may be angry at me. It's difficult to gauge their reaction.

I have run through scenarios in my mind and after her death, I think that I shall tell the truth on a case by case basis. I will likely say that the woman they knew, was the not the woman that I knew. People are complex. Mental illness and personality disorders really can cause people to behave in horrible ways. I think I will get get counseling at her death, because, I think I'll need some guidance on reconciling the whole thing.

I'll look forward to seeing how things go for you. It's so good that you are able to reconnect. Our family is supposed to help us and support us. I hope that happens in your case.
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I think it would be nice if you could have a relationship with cousins but I think you should feel them out. You may find they were aware of more than you think. If questions like "why did you live with your Gma for a while" then maybe you can say that Gma thought you were safer with her because she saw the abuse. Years ago people looked the other way. They may have felt it was none of their business or just keep it in the family thing. You don't have to go into detail (some really don't want to hear it). Just say there was another side to Mom that people never saw. I have been in therapy and have tried to move forward. I did my best by her. I made sure she was cared for in a safe environment and did what needed to be done to get her there.

I can imagine a great weight has been lifted.
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surprise Jun 2020
Fortunately everyone recognized I lived with my grandmother because my father was completely disabled. No questions on that front!
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Surprise, I've always admired your honesty here and your stalwart ability to get your abusive parent the best care available.

I'm going to assume that you've been in therapy at some point in your life.

I don't by any stretch think that EVERYONE needs therapy. But I think that given what you went through and witnessed, a "tune up", either with the hospice grief team or with a good talk therapist is probably in order.

Those of use with ambivalent grief can almost always use a little support when we are going down this road.

(((((((hugs)))))))))
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surprise Jun 2020
Yep, I've told the kids they should make good use of the therapists at their colleges and use every one of their free sessions! I'm sure I've done things that have been screwy because of the way I grew up.

My last therapist moved and I do need a new one. I am sure I have plenty of new material to cover.
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Surprise, I'm sorry to hear you had an abusive parent. I commend you for having the kindness and character to see that she was cared for in her old age! 

I like everyone's suggestions to not reveal the whole truth for now. Perhaps just acknowledge your sadness that mthr's mental illness had such a profound effect on her and your family.
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surprise Jun 2020
Thank you Linzy!
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I wish I had been aware of "personality disorders" 40 yrs ago when it came to my MIL. She wasn't a mean person but she liked things to go her way. I really felt sorry for her because I think she really wanted a MIL/DIL relationship but her lies sqwashed that. SIL#1 knew her the best because she lived next door. Dealt with her a lot better than #2 and me. I could never understand why she told lies about me and to my DH. He has never admitted she had a mental problem, just she "over exaggerated". He always took my side in confrontations. #2 SIL did not like MIL and minced no words about it. Even to her DH. And he is dear because I think she too has a personality problem. MIL moved to Fla not long after my daughter was born. Never had anything to do with her. FIL, another dear person, asked us one day when they could have M for the day. My DH husband said anytime you want, how about today. My MIL piped up, oh no, not today we are going out to dinner with friends. My FIL never asked again. Its a shame because M has made the statement she thinks he would have been her favorite grandfather.
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surprise Jun 2020
Aww. That stinks. JoAnne, you are a blessing to so many. A shame MIL would not have any of it. And you are so right a huge weight has been lifted. I feel like the sun shines brighter.
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surprise, I am sorry for all the hurts and abuse you had in your young life, how sad. Glad you had your grandmother. I would not open up too much to people you have not seen or heard from in a long time. I would discuss your problems with your therapist. I hope you will have a close relationship with your extended family. I think it will take some time, though. Discreet silence as isthisrealyreal advised. You are a caring person, with all the issues with your mthr, you made sure she was in a decent place and taken care of. There will be a very special place, indeed when you leave this world into a better one. I wish you peace, love and joy as you move forward. Hugs to you, surprise!
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surprise Jun 2020
Thank you!
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Surprise,

I feel for you. My parents are well loved in the community and had rather public jobs and social standing. Nobody wants to know what happened behind closed doors. And mental, emotional abuse does not leave visible scars, just really deep psychological ones.

I feel ill when someone tells me what a wonderful teacher Dad was and expect me to agree with their assessment of him. Yeah right a man who accuses me of being mentally ill if I disagree with him, to this day. A man who hired a lawyer for an addict, who had in the past tried to kill me, to sue me for custody of my son. Yeah right a really nice guy.

When my parents die I will have an incredibly hard time accepting any sort of condolences.
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surprise Jun 2020
Collegues of my husband found out because one's secretary had a child working at the care home. I asked him to tell the company that I preferred donations to any child or animal abuse prevention organization, and no mentions on social media. That fended off condolences from all but my best friend. And bless her, my friend sent a card with basically, it's over, you've done well. That's what I needed!
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(((((hugs)))) surprise.

When my abusive mother died I sent a mass email to the cousins and a few others who had kept contact. There was some response, but little follow up. I was part of the lack of follow up as I couldn't see my way to denying the realities of my mother's lifelong illness and the effects it had on me. When carefully "speaking (a small amount of) my truth" hit a brick wall, I chose not to pursue the relationship.

I think you have fulfilled your obligation to your cousins. You left a VM. He can follow up if he wants to. If he chooses not to, I don't think there is much hope of a relationship.

It would be nice to have a supportive expended family. In my experience, those that still thought my mother was wonderful when she passed kept that illusion. The ones who had some idea of what she was really like figured that out years ago. I carefully shared with a few extended family over the years with about 50% success. On that basis I gave up the idea of a supportive extended family, I have fb contact with a few relatives, though I have friends who are closer.

I don't think it is good to lie about your mother, but neither is it good to share everything with all. I would say, for your own good, tread carefully in what you reveal, and lower your expectations on your extended family. Sometimes a non answer or a facial expression can convey more than words.

When people enthused about mother, I chose to 1) not answer and keep a straight face, 2) say something non committal like "That's nice", 3) answer something like - "She had those strengths/good qualities". You get the drift. I could not be untrue to my experience.

Thinking of you and the things of the past that cling and affect the present.
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surprise Jun 2020
Yes, Golden, I'm there. That's what I said pretty much, and I'm glad to hear you say that it's not being untrue to your experience. I'm much more relaxed this evening now that I'm over that second hump. <3
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This may or not obtain here. Years ago, I went to a H.S. reunion. I said to a classmate that I remembered my 5th grade teacher as being emotionally abusive. She posted our grades, with names, on the bulletin board at the end of every semester. I was generally a good student, but had terrible handwriting (and do till this day) and she made us copy from the board. It was not until the end of that school year that I realized that I was having difficulty seeing at a distance and finally got glasses. (You think maybe my parents or teachers should have noticed that? To this day and throughout my career as a psychologist, if I see a child squinting to see, I find their parent and tell them to get their child to an ophthalmologist. If I can't find the parent, I tell the child what to say to their parent, their teacher and their doctor.)

So at this reunion, a classmate came up to me, having overheard what I was saying about Mrs. G. She said to me, Barbara I hear that that was YOUR experience of Mrs. G. But when I transferred into this school in the 5th grade, woefully behind because I had been attending an inferior school, she stayed behind EVERY DAY for an entire school year and tutored me until I caught up to the rest of you. THAT was her commitment to education.

I was floored. There were several other people in my class who had the same perception of abuse from this woman, but apparently there was another side to her.

People are complicated. Some of us who have/had parents who aren't able to bond with us, who are mentally ill, or who suffered trauma themselves that they were not able to overcome. God knows that there was a dearth of understanding of this sort of disorder 50 years ago.

The truth is that some people can be kind and generous to some but not to all. It's not the fault of the person on the receiving end of the lack of kindness. There is something off in the wiring of the person who can't empathize with the recipient.
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Maddkattier Jun 2020
Amen!!
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I'm most interested in family history and establishing some roots for my grands who live in the state where this family originated. None of these particular people would have ever been up to visit mthr and seen the hoard, so I would expect it to be a complete shock that their cousin was so awful. I bought tickets for the male cousin to come to my wedding that he was in, and he saw for himself what a patooey she was then. So I'll leave it up to him to call me.

I don't even need their acknowledgement of mthr being a bad person. I just felt like I was too agreeable with the cousin's positive assessment of her. Last night I also friended the youngest cousin, who did not even know I existed. No reason to even mention mthr to him.

I'm not concerned about telling the people in her home town. I've said nothing to them in years... I sent Christmas cards/notes for 3 years and when there was no response, cut them from the list. I think I'll place a very short obit if that's even needed. What do you all think about a very plain obit with a scholarship fund & child protective services as suggested memorials?
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BarbBrooklyn Jun 2020
The absolutely best idea.
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I feel relief for you to read that mthr finally passed. I've often wondered why you abbreviated the word that way, so thank you for the explanation, which makes perfect sense.

The best 'therapy' in the world, in my opinion, is to finally be free of someone who's done nothing but torment you your whole life. Now that's finished, and so is the need to say anything to anybody, unless YOU feel like you want to.

Just the other day, I received an email from the activities director at my mother's ALF. She told me how she wanted me to know that "JoAnn is a very special person. I don’t know if I ever told you, but when I interviewed for the job here, JoAnn was one of the 1st residents I met. She was so great, and so much fun. I was so impressed by her that I knew I wanted to work here." I've been hearing things like that my whole entire life. Why is it that I get to know the ugly and evil side of the woman and everyone else gets to know the 'special, fun' side of the woman? My father & I have been tormented by this woman our whole lives, yet others think she's the bees knees.

I would never speak to any of my cousins about 'that side' of my mother. What for? She's managed (for the most part) to keep the evil side of herself SO well hidden, that I would be the one to come off looking like the evil one if I were to speak the TRUTH about her to others!

Move on now with YOUR life. If you are able to develop a relationship with your relatives, great. If not, find a bunch of 'chosen relatives' to develop relationships with. Ones who don't know WHO mthr is and don't care. That part of your life is over now, thank God, and I wish you only the best of health and happiness moving forward, however you choose to do that.
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CantDance Jun 2020
lealonnie1

Oh, so very well said! When we spout off about our abusive parents to relatives and friends who only saw the "charming side" (and not the evil "flip" side Mom or Dad saved especially for us) we come off as the one with the problem. It's time, as you said, to leave the pain behind and move forward with these relatives in a positive light.
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I think family is who you make family, and trying to resurrect family from the mouth of lies about your Mom will not work. I would simply say that you had a very uneasy relationship with your mother, that you suffered abuse and saw abuse even to the extent that you saw animals abused. That you wish to move on with a quality life now and put to rest a person who was very unhappy in life, and will now hopefully find peace in death.
Release her.
Let her go. She did not have anything of value to give you. She was unable. To complicate that grief with lies to family you don't even know seems to me asking for more trouble. Go on with friends and your own family who is quality and your own life. You owe them nothing. Had they wanted to know about her DEATH they should have been present in her LIFE and in your own. I doubt these people have a thing to give you but their judgement?
Do you need that? Because to my mind you have been through quite enough, thank you. Now put her to rest and let her go. It is time. I am so sorry for all you have gone through, but my sorriness nor anyone elses amount to a thing that can help you.
Hugs to you. Go on. Make this world the BETTER every day that you are in it, so that no one has to consider what decent things they can find to say about you when you are gone.
Surprise, I just lost my bro. He was one of the kindest most decent and gentlest people I ever knew. And we, he and I were lucky to have the kindest most decent people ever as our parents. I would that it could have been the same for all. Between us all we have rescued and cared for likely 100s and 100s of animals. You note is heart wrenching to me. Try now to just live in love.
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surprise Jun 2020
Thank you Alva, I am so sorry for your loss, but so thankful you had a wonderful family! Thank you for caring so much. <3
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Update: Cousin called and we chatted about everything else for an hour. The part about mthr lasted about a minute at the front end, with him sucking in his breath at the news and asking how long she'd been diagnosed. We had lots in common, including wfpb vegan diets!

Such a relief to have that convo over. Now for that obit!
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I think just take it one day at a time, feel it out. If it comes out, make sure its not out of spite but because its time. If they bring up abusive actions she initiated at them or kids or animals, then bring up something to. Little bits at a time. Get therapy, its the best way to get to know if you even want to go on or back to the awful unfathomable abuse. I decided i didn't want to. Why? Doesn't change what happened, but i can help change others perspective on how rampant any abuse is. I can help save someone. Speak for someone that is to scared to do it themselves. Thats our power, Our Voice, The Truth. That's our peace!!!! God Bless and Godspeed! You;; be just fine! Be patient with yourself, heal yourself before depending on anyones empathy Most dont care, Cold as it is, that how it is though. Using the forums are great way to vent, get advice, ect... Take care ok!
Shes gone! Its over! Enjoy your journey of life now!
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lavidaloca31 Jun 2020
Love your reply, Maddkattier.
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My Luz was sick for nearly three years. Only one of her "friends" bothered to call and ask about her. When she passed I mailed out the little whatever it is called that the funeral home prints up for people to have. I also sent them to relatives and out state aquaintence. Of all of that I only got about three responses.
No one else seemed to give a damn. So I would not overly concern myself with telling the rest of relatives anything.
After all what are they going to do?
By the way, her friend that did call and visit is still calling me once in a while to see how I am doing.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 2020
OS, I’m sorry for the pain in your experience. We found much the same with my mom. When she got sick, so many friends of many years scattered to the wind, like what she had was contagious or something. It was beyond disheartening. I’m glad the one friend is still checking on you. Illness for sure will let you know who your friends are
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I think you should tell your female cousin thru FB to let her brother know of your mthr's death. You have been through enough. The death of a parent, regardless of relationship is a tough one. I am sorry for your loss but even more sorry for what you endured as a child.
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Surprise, you’ve just been through a very emotional time, if mther’s death was recent. I’d suggest that you sit tight, and don’t get into ‘deep and meaningfuls’ yet for a while. That’s partly because you need time to get over the ups and downs that happen with any parent death, no matter what you feel about them, and partly so that you can get a better idea of what you want to say, to whom, and what the reactions are likely to be. Find something simple to say now - like ‘Of course I’m upset about her death, even though our relationship was sometimes difficult for me’ (or for both of us, if you want to be extra pleasant). That will do until you find your feet about the new situation and new ‘family’ relationships. Let them get used to you, and vice versa, before you get into the difficult stuff. You have the rest of your life ahead now.
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