Home for the holidays. Am I supposed to ask my siblings if it’s okay if she spends the holidays at one of their homes?

I would ask.

If they offered when this started, it is times to make the help you need clear.

Can mom go spend a couple of weeks with each of them and give you a real respite.

It is perfectly ok to ask, but it's also perfectly ok for them to not to volunteer to take her in, or to tell you no.

Similarly, it is ok to tell them no if what they have in mind is crowding in with their families and their children for you to entertain so they can see mom.

I think the better course is to group chat or ask the sibs individually what they would do if you weren't here. Since you are, you should be getting the going rate for a senior board and care since that's actually what you are doing. And if they don't like that, then she can go into such a facility paid for by her assets, if any, and by Medicaid if not.

You don't tell us much if anything about your moms health. Is she able to travel well and to be able to adjust to new surroundings without making her more confused? Because as you know if she has any cognitive decline, she will do best in her familiar surroundings, as changing houses can be very upsetting and confusing for her.
And you must also know by now that if your siblings really wanted to help you, they would have offered by now, since you say she's been with for almost 3 years now. So I guess at this point all you can do is ask, but don't be surprised when they all come up with excuses as to why they can't. I'm sure they all figure since you've done everything this long that you can continue with things as they are.
Instead you may want to look into hiring some outside help(with moms money) to come in and give you some breaks during the week, as it's important that you get away and do some fun things just for yourself.
I wish you the best in getting this all figured out.

How many siblings do you have, and how did you become the one who is now her caregiver?

They might agree, they might not. If you don’t ask, you won’t know. Two things:
1) To protect yourself from a lot of resentment, perhaps make it a tentative request, in writing rather than in a conversation. “I’m wondering if one of you….. It would mean such a lot to me, and Mother would love it.”
2) Do it immediately. Most people are well into the process of arranging Christmas, and springing it on them later makes it more difficult all round.

You lose nothing by giving it a go.

This is one of the help that they said they would offer so that I could get a break before I got her in my care. They were reassuring me that I would not be alone and they would take turns letting her spend holidays or some summers with each of them.

When my father had his stroke, I had LOADS of people offering to help. Trouble was, there was no real way for them TO help. They can’t go in place of me to the hospital (hospital limited visitors to the same 2 people), drop the kids off at school, make their lunches, fold the laundry, etc. People I think are by and large giving, but clueless as to how to ACTUALLY help unless you specifically spell out what you need.

I would start by approaching the sibling most likely to say yes. And then I would say it like, “Would you mind taking mom for Christmas this year? I’ve really been struggling and am burning out, and I’m scared what will happen when I do. I really need a break, and I know she’d love to visit you. Can you help???”

Remember, honey rather than vinegar.

If they have offered in the past then I would take them up on it, and moving forward try to work out a schedule for the future holidays and summer. Yes. You do have to ask. Sad but true. But 'out of sight. out of mind'. Let them know that you will need breaks. How you ask them is really up to you and your relationship with them--sometimes it's easier to get help if it's a discussion with everyone. I would hurry though--it will be here before you know it! I hope you have a nice holiday!

Be direct. Let other family members know you need help and expect them to take on mom's care in their homes for portions of the year, You could make this a group chat with all the family members. Let them know what you would like and ask them to volunteer for holidays or weeks/months. If mom has dementia and/or needs a travel companion, discuss how handoffs could be accomplished while you are discussing her time with other family members..

Wait 'til they offer? Guffaw!

I should start by checking with your mother that she would actually like to do this. Do you think she would?

Love the idea of group chat to start the objective. That could create a better co-operative spirit among the group. As in all become accountable to get this done for Mom and you and your family. Peer pressure among sibs so to speak. If this is first time asking for help there could be a learning curve for all. Hope Mom can be convinced and that you don’t give up if someone’s not on board. hugs

Yes, ask them both, and be pretty insistent they help out and give you a break.

Yeah, sure. Ask. They are gonna let you do everything until you reach out to them. It's just how siblings are. Even then, keep your expectations low. Since you let mama stay with you, she's your problem now...

Your sweet caring nature, putting others first shines bright.

But with one bright caregiver - beware of the downside: others potential caregivers can just fade into the shadows.

Find your voice. Ask for what you need.

Doesn't have to be all bossy like "I'm going on holidays so YOU have to take Mom". But don't wait for siblings to offer either. Find your middle ground. Confidence will grow. Relationships can benefit from the honesty too.

When I had care commitments, other people were dismayed my sibling never offered help. I let it go. When I wanted a holiday, I advised sibling & asked about their availability to step in. Was told no. At first I was.. shocked. But then I saw I couldn't expect someone else to run their life to backup my calender, to be a casual fill-in for my life. I also saw others have their own limits of what they can do, physically, financially & emotionally. So I booked my holiday & found other arrangements for care (respite).

The honest conversations I have found most beneficial - when family can be REAL with each other. This brings greater respect, rather than resentment.

(PS I hope your sibs DO take Mom this time! It takes some stronger tactics to use/force respite care)

Time to take them up on their earlier offer to help in 'any way that they can' by simply announcing, not 'asking', "Here's something really helpful you can do now, host mom at your place; let's make a plan!" Frame it like an opportunity for siblings to have Quality Time so that when mom passes they won't have regrets they didn't get to spend time with her while she was still alive; as with the term that Alzheimer's is 'the long goodbye', even if your mom is not in that condition, our 'saying goodbye' can also begin long before a loved one passes away. Many time folks don't have a clue what is needed, you have to inform them, in a nice yet firm way. And long distance folks can fall into 'out of sight, out of mind' especially if they figure you've been doing just fine these past 3 years. Do not wait until they offer because they may never, or it may be when having mom visit is way more than anyone can handle easily, much less her traveling, etc. If it was me, I'd send a pleasant message via mail, text, email, however you all communicate to 'save the date' for a Family Meeting/Chat about mom. Keep it light; if they can meet/chat at the same time, great; if not, separately but let each other know what each other has to say/offer: keep everybody 'in the loop'...make it a 'team effort'. And the siblings that can't contribute with hosting could also be in the loop, like an agreement to send a nice card for mom, or some other simple contribution. It is completely reasonable and actually thoughtful for you to approach your siblings to Share Mom Care; it might be awkward at first but they may later thank you, enjoy hosting mom, or at least get a better picture of the care you've provided for mom these past 3 years (and maybe even chip in some way going forward, relieved to know what is needed and of help!)

After 3 years of not helping, they obviously are not going to offer.

There is nothing wrong with you asking them to help out. There is also nothing wrong with them saying no. It can be really hectic around the holidays so maybe be ready with a counteroffer of a different time frame (like mid- January) when the busy holidays won't be an issue.

By group chat, do you mean an online chat or a phone conversation? I think it would be awkward to ask both on a group phone call. An email or text to both would be fine, IMHO. But I hate talking on the phone so that could be playing into my answer.

Actually a group email could be a nice way to talk about things, including the sibs with financial issues. You never know what they might be up for so I would not exclude them. Let them know you would really benefit from a break every now and then. Could mom come to them or could they come to your place and you can go away? I don't know how capable your mom is of traveling alone and adjusting to a new environment, etc.

If you're wanting a little break here and there - can your mom afford to pay for some caregivers? You should not pay for it. If she can't afford it, perhaps your siblings could kick in a little to make it happen.

It is very common for siblings to not help. Many people are not interested in caregiving. You have to accept that and not be mad about it. If/when you are burning out, get help.

You've taken on the entire burden of caring for your mother. (WHY?!?!) Since they haven't done anything up till now, what makes you think they would want to start? They do not want the burden of your mother during the holiday season.

You've done a very loving thing to care for your mother. Is she capable of traveling on her own? All the best to you.

I read your previous posts starting last year. Your Mom seems to have a problem with being alone since you have tried to get her into independent living. 64 is still young. She could live another 20 or 30 years. Are you willing to care for her all those years. You say she can do for herself but one reason you moved her in with you was because she was her hoarding and not keeping herself clean. These are signs of a mental problem. If she was 84, I could understand it, could be a Dementia. Not that it doesn't happen, but she is young for a Dementia. I think she needs a good physical with Labs to rule out anything physical. If nothing is found, then a Neurologist.

Maybe your siblings are waiting for you to ask. The other thing is, can Mom fly? Will she be able to maneuver an airport and go thru security? Are you driving her?

If they haven’t brought up the idea/offer, probably they aren’t. If you do a group chat or even privately, be aware that you are putting them in an embarrassing position. Plus, you’re setting yourself up for a major disappointment. Sadly, people are very selfish these days and only want to focus on themselves.

Having been there, done that I would NOT leave the choice open.

I would call and ask which one of them is going to come and get her.

Tell them you need a few minutes, & perhaps make plans to be away??

MalaysiaMuva: Imho, you could ask them to pitch in with the caregiving, but, quite honestly, I would not hold your breath for them to do so. All too often, the careging falls on one adult child of the elderly parent.