As some know I've been taking care of my grandmother and I haven't had a job or been in school for a while. We're getting closer to her release date in a couple of more weeks, and the PT, her PCP and her doctor overseeing her at the nursing home are agreeing that she needs assistant living due to her forgetfulness, her knee injury and her sudden confusion makes her a hazard to drive. The other thing is how she still thinks its 2002 even though she has a calender and watches tv and interact with other patients but she prefers to stay in her room. She gets very irrated easily when she get confused and no matter how you react she starts to accuse you. I have been talking to her daily at least 2 times a day and visits her when I can at least once or twice a week but she hasn't really gotten any better since 2 months ago. She has her good days but she's not as combative due to them putting her on anti-psychoatic drugs and two memory pills. She was open to live in one but now she is refusing to live there and she's telling her case worker and her nurse that I can take care of her when I can't. She went into the hospital 4 times over the same thing. She won't listen to me and refuses to eat and the littlest thing will set her off. I feel I should use some of her assets or the house value to be used for her long term care, but she refuses home care and insists and tells me I can take care of her. What should I do? I talked to her about this but she refusing to listen to me and keeps saying over and over again she can take care of herself and I can nurse her back to health. She still thinks she living somewhere else and will ask me what state I am. I know she worked hard for this house but I can't stay here without a job and I'm trying to enroll into school. I feel she should be in a facility for those with memory loss issues. Would that be a better plan?

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Lllyrae, II don't understand why there is even a question. The professionals who have observed her think she needs assisted living. A person with mild dementia really is not safe to live alone. And mild dementia soon becomes moderate dementia, and it is not safe to be left alone even for a few hours.

She thinks it is 2002. She is wrong. She thinks you can take care of her. She is wrong. She has dementia. Her judgment is not good. She is lucky to have someone so caring to make decisions for her.

Make sure that her case worker knows in no uncertain terms that you cannot take care of her. You did that for years. You genuinely love your grandmother. You want what is best for her. Her impairments have expanded to a degree that you no longer can provide the best possible care that she deserves. You want to see her placed where she will get that level of care.
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Lilyrae, I agree totally with jeannegibbs. Your grandma is ill and right now is about as good as she is going to be. She may hold steady for awhile, but inevitably, she will go downhill.
The longer you wait to find a good assisted living facility for her, and place her there, the harder it will become for her to adjust.
Keep things simple and tell her that you love her too much to let her become ill and have to be hospitalized again.
I learned a wonderful acronym from a good friend of mine who was an elder law attorney:
Don't do these things:
C - Don't Correct the confused person. Meet them where they are, in their reality, and reassure them that you love them.
A - Don't Argue. People with dementia/AD cannot reason the way they used to.
R - Don't Rationalize. Again, a long, complicated explanation of why she needs Assisted Living will only confuse her.
E - Don't Explain. Keep your sentences short and simple. No need to elaborate on who, what, when, where or why.

You have done everything that you can do to keep your grandmother safe and healthy. But her needs are too great now, and it's time to take the next step. Kindly and lovingly, find a good placement for her and reassure her that you will always look out for her. Now, though, there will be other caring people to help you do that.
Good luck!
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Definitely look into an assisted living facility. In addition to understanding her confusion and memory-loss, they should be able to manage the health issues that have her bouncing back and forth from the hospital, which will give her more stability and less confusion.

One of the hardest things is realizing someone you always knew to be reasonable and thoughtful isn't able to make good decisions for themselves anymore. As painful as it is, you must realize that your grandmother can't care for herself anymore, even if she says she can. Even though she doesn't realize it, she needs you to make the logical and informed decision of finding her an ALF so she will be safe and well cared for.

She believes you can nurse her back to health, but that's wishful thinking on her part. You know the truth: as her dementia increases, no one person is going to be able to manage all of her needs.

Know that she is very blessed to have a loving granddaughter like you to watch out for her best interests.
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Lillyrae: When my mom was still at the very mild form of dementia she was smart enough to trust that I would do everything she wanted done regarding her finances. After (my sibling) tried to go to the bank and get into my mom's accounts, the bank notified her. Mom didn't want sis to have access to anything. So, she transferred all her money into my name. Mom is the beneficiary if I should die befor she does. No one has been able to access her accounts since them. My former MIL was swindled out of alot of money because she was the only one on her accounts. After that happened, at least she allowed my ex sister in law to serve as her POA. It's a shame when people take advantage of these older ones. I hope you can get your grandma's money back. It's a problem when they are at this stage. They are alert enough to think they are going to bounce back to the way they were, yet they are so forgetful and confused at times, anyone can take advantage of them if they have an opportunity. Hang in there. It takes them a while to get use to different living accomodations. Slowly it happens. My mom is still in the transition and as much as I would like to care for her at home, I know right now I can't. If she gets to the point of needing hospice, I am going to consider bringing her hom so she can spend her final days here. In the meantime, she still feels she can do the things she use to do, and I can't risk her being home and falling and getting hurt. Lord knows, she didn't listen to me either. If I would tell her to PLEASE not walk up the stairs, or please don't do this or was like I didn't speak her lanugage! She'd do exactly what I asked her not to do. If she didn't get hurt she would just continue doing things her way. If she did get hurt, she'd listen to me until she healed...then right back to her independent self. The only reason she listens at the nursing home now is, she has an alarm attached to her, and when she gets up and that thing goes off she hates it. It embarrasses her!! Hang in there! You're on the right site. These folks have so much wisdom and experience behind them. I'm just glad I found them.
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I dunno. I'm currently going through the same thing in my mind. Granted, my grandma hasn't been injured as of yet, but her bouts of forgetfulness does make it hazardous for her to be driving. She can still dress & bathe herself for the most part though.

If she is still able to function on her own (feeding herself & the like) Assisted living is not a bad idea. It still gives them independence for the most part, but there are nurses around in case of emergencies and accidents. Some even offer transportation to take people to the grocery store or doctor appointments. So, that's not so bad either if she can't drive herself anywhere.
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Thanks to both of you for your help. She is currently in a personal care home until the doctor decides she needs to go back to a nursing home or stay there. Right now I'm in the process of fixing and preventing her from being scammed as I found out after the bank had closed that apparently before she left the nursing home there was some money taken out. Monday I will go back and fix this and try to convince grandma that giving out the most important number is not good. Since tracking this down only led me to the Nigerian scam which I have an idea of where and who did this but without the evidence I rather talk to the bank 1st thing and work this out. I've been very careful with her documents but I can not control what grandma tells people. Or what people tell her so I can only be on guard and try to prevent things at this point. Thanks again and sorry for the late late reply.
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Yup thats how mine is too. She however wants to leave but the doctor will not let her out because her memory isn't great at all. She's able to feed herself dress herself but she wears her clothes inside out or backwards and she tends have memory lapse which makes her a danger to herself if she wants to walk outside. In a way I'm happy she's ok but she's accusing people of taking her things and no one hasn't taken anything I've checked her room yesterday but she left her phone and someone found it in the room she was in but accused someone of taking it and placing it there. :(
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I am currently trying to decide if it is time for assisted living for my mom. She still tries to control things, though I have Power of Attorney, making decisions that I spend days and weeks trying to fix. A scam artist recently sent a towncar to pick her up and take her around to different financial institutions to try to get money! If I hadn't shown up out of the blue when they returned, I would have never known! Now she doesn't remember the incident! I would like her to live with me, but she would need care for at least 10-12 hours a day, as I commute to work. Frustrating.
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Hey the2nddaughter, you posts is on the tail end of another older thread. It might not get much attention here. You may want to create your own thread. You might get more response.

It sounds like your mom is not safe living alone in independent living. I would have her assessed to see if she is at risk for leaving a facility. She certainly can't resist financial exploitation. For those reasons, I would try to place her somewhere safe. With your work schedule, you would have to have outside help come in while you are gone. Then when you are home, you wouldn't be able to leave her. I'd consider the options for Memory Care assisted living.
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