Today is Easter. I love Easter. I am blessed and I know it. I love my Mother and am blessed to have her still, but how do others handle a day like this. We have long been forgotten by everyone, including my brother, who at best, shows up once a week and stays an hour or two, seemingly enjoying pretending life is one big happy party.
I am tired, I am worn out, I am irritate. And I never know what to expect on these days. We are abandoned and ignored all the time, then, have no idea what to anticipate, from drop ins who, in my opinion, want to relieve themselves of guilt by making a little drop in visit, assuming it is welcome. It is not. From drop in visits from my brother, bringing his two sons or one son, or either son one of whom will bring a young toddler, whom I do not even know because he and his parents have done nothing to keep in touch with Mother during this entire two and half year ordeal. They all roll in on these kind of days like they are a sight for sore eyes. God forgive me but I don't give a flying rats behind if they come or not, but whatever they do I want someone to let me know.
This did not have to be this way, or maybe it did. Every caregiver situation I know of I find folks in my situation..it falls on ONE person to keep it all rolling and the rest of the clan just gets to roll along on their merry way acting like life is one big happy affair.
All I know is one day "after" i am so angry and fed up with all of these damn people I never care if I ever see them again. I sometimes envision myself, when that time arrives, screaming at the top of my lungs...now every one of you can KMA.
Am I losing it???? I am not a hateful person, or have never been a hateful person, but I have gotten so past giving a crap what anyone thinks of me for not being excited to see them dropping in, all dressed up in their fancy Easter duds, having a ball, telling me about all the exciting things they are going to be doing the rest of the day and yet, stopping by long enough to make an appearance...Am I the only one who at this point would just as soon people just stay the hell away from us?
Forgive me for being so tacky on such a blessed day. I am ashamed of myself...truly...I feel like I ought to be happy to see folks...I am not....I don't even want to see them anymore and have to pretend their little snippet visits mean anything.
When I needed them, no one was there...I asked them to be here, I planned events so life could continue as always, no one showed up, they don't even call. I am over it and them......I have just texted my brother to find out if he is coming or not as I am sick and tired of my entire day being ruined never knowing if someone is coming or who or how many of people, many of whom I don't even know...stupid, inconsiderate totally clueless people.....
Mama has been a peel this week. And I am worn out beyond measure. I just want this day to drift quietly by and my brother to stay up there at his lakefront palatial palace with all his damn family and leave me alone...I am so over having to kiss his behind.