Not my first post here. Most probably know all the trauma I have gone through with my grandpa. He is now in a Memory Care and is still claiming he 'does not need to be there'. So his NP just saw him today and she sent me a portal message stating "FYI he doesnt want to spend Thanksgiving here and asked if I could reach out to his doctor to see if he can be released, since we obviously know its not in the cards for him to leave, any chance someone could visit for Thanksgiving?" Heres my thought process (which is very on edge as I type). This man has given me so much trauma in the last 2 years I have had to seek therapy AND medication. I go when I can and usually leave upset as he is almost always nasty to me. That totally triggered me as the last 5 years of holidays with him at home were miserable, isolated and spent alone as no one wanted to spend a holiday dealing with him, and to be honest, I do not want to spend anymore with him either. I also dont want to be seen as a terrible person, which is how I feel when put on the spot like that. I hate being stuck in this cycle of anxiety and stress but there is NO ONE else that could go see him since he alienated ALL the family well before his dementia kicked in. How do others handle this kind of situation?
Do you WANT to visit him? Not do you feel obliged to so, do you feel guilty not doing so, do you feel other people will look at you less favorably than you would like should you not do so... do you WANT to? If the answer is no, then that's ok. Don't go. You have every right to have a happy Thanksgiving as anyone else does, and if seeing him on that day will make it less so, you are perfectly justified in saying "no, I will not be visiting him on Thursday". That's all you have to say.
You don't own this NP ANY explanation why you won't be seeing him. Who cares if she thinks you're a "terrible" person - that won't affect your grandfather's care. She doesn't know the dynamic you have with him. It's not her that's going to be upset all day on the holiday if you go and see him - and why would you think it would be any different this time than all the other times before?
I personally think it's pretty crappy for this NP to reach out to you and try to lay this guilt trip on you 4 days before the holiday. Totally uncalled for.
"No. I will not be seeing him on Thursday." That's the ***only*** answer you need to give - and give it as often as you have to.
Good luck, and please give yourself permission to enjoy your Thanksgiving guilt free.
Most facilities try extra hard with their holiday meals knowing that many seniors will be eating them without family but together. And that’s the best grandpa gets as he’s burned all his family bridges leaving only fellow residents to talk to.
I am with MG that the NP made the call for a patient then she went on to her other patients. It was not personal, just doing a patient a favor. Probably has to load herself up so she can get Thursday and Friday off. She did what she was asked and went on her merry way.
Then, the reason for your anxiety and stress is that you feel put on the spot and "don't want to be seen as a terrible person". Seen by whom?
Do Not live your life to please someone else because you're afraid it will look bad if you don't.
The NP does not know your relationship or your history with your Grandpa. She is simply passing on his request. For all she knows, Grandpa might have a family that would be happy to visit him on holidays. Some residents do.
If you do not, Do not feel compelled to do something out of guilt.
No one else in your family will go to see him, because he alienated his entire family. Boy, he must have been a real jerk! Let him live with the consequences of how he lived his life. In other words, let him reap what he has sown.
Sometimes we need to stand up for what we really want. If it requires making other people angry, so what? It's your life to live as you wish.
My Dad and Stepmom live a mile away. We did not spend Thanksgiving together. They make plans with their friends, as they have for years, and I chose to spend it this year quietly with my non-mobile husband. All our kids are several states away, and they are now old enough to create their own family traditions.
I used to enjoy cooking for family on holidays, which my husband eagerly helped with, but after 10 years of caring for him, and he can't eat solid food, I'm just burnt out on doing anything that is too much work.
My dad and stepmom don't cook. They go out. So I get tired of offering dinners and cooking for them, which I do about once a month. They are rude, loud, get drunk, and bring their little dog with them, who is underfoot while I'm in the kitchen. I'd much rather have dinner without them, Holiday or not.