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Not my first post here. Most probably know all the trauma I have gone through with my grandpa. He is now in a Memory Care and is still claiming he 'does not need to be there'. So his NP just saw him today and she sent me a portal message stating "FYI he doesnt want to spend Thanksgiving here and asked if I could reach out to his doctor to see if he can be released, since we obviously know its not in the cards for him to leave, any chance someone could visit for Thanksgiving?" Heres my thought process (which is very on edge as I type). This man has given me so much trauma in the last 2 years I have had to seek therapy AND medication. I go when I can and usually leave upset as he is almost always nasty to me. That totally triggered me as the last 5 years of holidays with him at home were miserable, isolated and spent alone as no one wanted to spend a holiday dealing with him, and to be honest, I do not want to spend anymore with him either. I also dont want to be seen as a terrible person, which is how I feel when put on the spot like that. I hate being stuck in this cycle of anxiety and stress but there is NO ONE else that could go see him since he alienated ALL the family well before his dementia kicked in. How do others handle this kind of situation?

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One more point, the NPs in a facility have a large patient population (usually they make rounds through several facilities) and might only see the patient briefly a few times a year. So she may have no idea what the family dynamics are and is just checking a box that she relayed a message. She probably forgot about you and grandpa the minute she finished sending it because she has to see several dozen more people before Thanksgiving. So absolutely no one is judging you or actually expecting you to do this. On holidays it is more common for a person in Memory Care to NOT have visitors than it is for them to have some.
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Reply to MG8522
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Please change your visits to “around the corner” ones, where you see him minus him seeing you, check in with the staff, see about his needs, make sure he’s clean and cared for, then leave and go do something positive for yourself. Many have needed to do this for emotional health, and it’s okay. As for the NP, medical professionals simply cannot ever fully comprehend the history, the nastiness, the whole dynamic, they haven’t lived it. Take the request with a grain of salt and move on. You already know you’re doing your best. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I suggest that you reply to your grandpas NP, that you will not be traumatized any longer by this sick man, but that they are more than welcome to go spend the day with him if they are so concerned about him.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Zookie Dec 2, 2025
I love that sassy attitude! Definitely THEY can spend the day with him if they want!
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Respectfully decline. No explanation needed.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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I actually spoke to the nurse who manages the facility on the Tuesday prior as he claimed his arm was broken so she needed approval for mobile xrays. (arm was NOT broken, he was arguing with another resident and grabbed something away from them) She told me that she was sorry that the NP said that and that she would speak to her about her 'delivery'. She told me it would be better if I didnt come for the holiday since he was in a particulary bad mood so I didnt. I spent the holiday with my family and it was AMAZING. The NP actually sent me back a messge and said she was sorry that she didnt realize our relationship was so toxic/caused me so much anxiety and that she hoped I had a great Thanksgiving. I appreciate every single response here and feel so glad to have a place where I can get these things off my chest to people who really understand.
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Reply to laura9574
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CaringWifeAZ Dec 3, 2025
Thank you Laura, for the update! I'm glad you enjoyed your holiday!
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Just say no. He has alienated everyone else, why should you be the exception? Consider yourself alienated as well, BY HIS OWN BEHAVIOR, and stop visiting altogether. Facilities have their own holiday celebrations and he can choose to enjoy those if he wants. No one who knows him will think you are a terrible person and even if someone randomly does, who cares? He is the terrible person, not you. Walk away permanently and live your life in peace.
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Reply to MG8522
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It doesn't really matter how others handle a situation like this. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. So put that thought process out of your mind.

Do you WANT to visit him? Not do you feel obliged to so, do you feel guilty not doing so, do you feel other people will look at you less favorably than you would like should you not do so... do you WANT to? If the answer is no, then that's ok. Don't go. You have every right to have a happy Thanksgiving as anyone else does, and if seeing him on that day will make it less so, you are perfectly justified in saying "no, I will not be visiting him on Thursday". That's all you have to say.

You don't own this NP ANY explanation why you won't be seeing him. Who cares if she thinks you're a "terrible" person - that won't affect your grandfather's care. She doesn't know the dynamic you have with him. It's not her that's going to be upset all day on the holiday if you go and see him - and why would you think it would be any different this time than all the other times before?

I personally think it's pretty crappy for this NP to reach out to you and try to lay this guilt trip on you 4 days before the holiday. Totally uncalled for.

"No. I will not be seeing him on Thursday." That's the ***only*** answer you need to give - and give it as often as you have to.

Good luck, and please give yourself permission to enjoy your Thanksgiving guilt free.
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Reply to notgoodenough
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Just say no to the request. No need for explanation.

Most facilities try extra hard with their holiday meals knowing that many seniors will be eating them without family but together. And that’s the best grandpa gets as he’s burned all his family bridges leaving only fellow residents to talk to.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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In addition to what others have said, I suggest telling the provider to not call you anymore with these requests. You have expressed being triggered just from the call and it’s taking a great emotional toll on you. Your grandfather is in a safe environment and his needs are being taken care of. Based on what you’ve shared you don’t need to do anything further. Please take care of yourself.
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Reply to WayLeadsOn2Way
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Stop agonizing over it and just do what you want to do. If you don't want to visit for Thanksgiving, then don't. It really is that simple. I'm not going to be with my father at his nursing home at Thanksgiving and I am fine with it. No guilt here.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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