Needing some advice, on how to create a professional contract with a caregiver in addition to confronting some unprofessionalism on an otherwise good worker.
I see often on the forum that caregivers are difficult to find, so I’m torn with what I’m experiencing.
I hired a caregiver through an agency to assist with my younger brother who is disabled. My mom experienced a rapid onset of dementia early this year and some emergency hospital/rehab stays, which made this necessary.
My 2 other brothers and I are in our 30s and I am currently 9 months pregnant. None of us are truly in the stage of life to be handling this. I am POA, and I’ve had to take the brunt of everything for the last 9 months leaving little time prepare for my baby.
One brother lives in another state ( does nothing), and the other one does the bare minimum, often leaving things unfinished for me to handle, and still leeches off of my mom financially.
With some extensive hard work on my end , My disabled brother is set to go into a group home in a few weeks, it is the best option for him since my mom is quickly on the decline.
The caregiver reached out to me In early October and said that she would be interested in helping my mom as an independent contractor , once my brother moves.
Originally, This seemed like a godsend, because I have been handling all my mom‘s needs, and needed a plan in place for when the baby comes.
On the good side, the caregiver is kind to my mom and brother, she is upbeat, seems to be handling the tasks pretty well, and Keeps the schedule fine.
She also has a lot of experience, and I noticed a lift in their mood since she started working with them.
However, over time, I’ve noticed this caregiver overstepping and crossing some boundaries with me.
She’s recently made comments on how “bored” my brother and mom are and expresses how “bad she feels for them” when I’m barely hanging on with their extreme needs, putting my whole life aside ,and getting nothing done for myself. Currently, they live in a huge house, have people cooking, cleaning, waiting on them, and don’t have to worry about a thing despite their health.
She’ll talk openly about how “messy” my mom is ( nothing knew and part of her job to clean), and talks ( in front of her ) about how she’s like a “cute little child”. This is hard because my mom was a fully functioning person in February. On top of everything I am grieving the rapid loss of my mom as I’m becoming a mom.
Yesterday, as I am picking my mom up for and errand after a stressful three hour appointment with her financial advisor, The caregiver proceeds to tell me how my younger (disabled) brother ( who I have done everything in my power to help, when no one else would) and my older brother refer to me as a “Hiltler”. Then in the same breath, she proceeded to ask me how much weight I’ve gained in my pregnancy.
???
I calmly brushed off the comments but they were infuriating.
Backstory- my relationships w/ my brothers have never been solid. They are entitled, dependent, and treated my mom like a servant until she started experiencing issues.
They tend to bite the hand that feeds them, and are unthankful. God for bid, any female stands up to them for anything, and they’re called a “b!tch”.
I already know who they are and how they feel about me. However, because of the toll this ordeal has taken on me personally, I was hurt and infuriated . I have done everything. In addition to that no one in my family even acknowledges that I’m this pregnant and I’m simply not able to keep the pace up anymore. I’m actually supposed to be quarantining right now but instead I’m tying up loose ends so my family is safe.
The caregiver is not the cause of my family dynamic, however I feel her comments are out of bounds, unwarranted, and very insensitive.
The problem is not her work, but her meddling in my already dysfunctional family.
Need advice , can’t lose her this late in my pregnancy.
Also a resource on creating a professional contract
I sincerely hope that everything works out well for you.
Take care. Best wishes to you and your new baby!
Now is the time to start backing off. Tell worker she is there for a job, but not to partake in gossip and its very unprofessional. I bet she knows she's out of bounds. When she said they are bored, too bad. They can find something to do. You are not activities director. Walk away. End of conversation.
As for the b***h thing,( I've been called that many times) I say- well I am. And I'm a good one. Thank you. You think I'm a b***h, you haven't seen b***h, but you will. Keep it up. Why is brother complaining to the help? Guys say that to put down women. Wear it proudly and the insult backfires. I say wow he really called me that? And start laughing. Really have a good laugh, and say is that is the best he can do? I must hear more. Go ahead. Now thats funny! I've embarrassed many a guy. They weren't expecting that come back. He isn't really good at insults is he? And look sad. Stops them every time. It should work for her too in over sharing She wanted a reaction. Now she didn't get the one she wanted.
Id say I'm having my baby I will be avail less. Tell help you only need to be aware of important things. Not every conversation with your family every day. You dont have time for that. If you hire a doughnut maker, you dont need to hear how the doughnuts are made blow by blow. Thats rediculious. Negative comments will not be discussed.
Start screening phone calls. And limit time you are available to help. This should not be consuming your life. You are paying the worker FOR A JOB. You dont need to hear how their day went. You are not her confessor. Nip it in the bud. I think the worker is enjoying stirring the pot. Her payoff is to knock you down a peg, and to pretend to be concerned for you. Neither are helpful. Nor should that work.
From now on you only want to hear about emergencies. And it better be an emergency. Do not make her your friend!!!! She proved she cannot be, but it is paramount you keep those work boundaries.
I would continue to look for another carer. If she complains say you are looking for a backup, or another so you have all your bases covered. If she doesn't like it too bad she in an employee not your friend! You don't even have to tell her. Just dont need her that day. I think that will straighten her up. If you have a formal contract you have to pay taxes etc. And insurance in case someone gets hurt. Is she covered under home owner's policy??
I think you should look for a back up person. But you have to get a backbone and tell her that you don't want to hear gossip. Or that mom is messy. She was hired for that job. If she complains she must not be up to the task. You will find someone who is. Id sit down and tell her about the job, and that going forth you are limiting ALL STRESS! I think that will be a wake up call to her. She'll knock it off. Be completely devoid of emotion, professional when telling her this. You no longer want to hear family gossip, or any other daily minutiae going foward. Dont be angry, be matter of fact, no emotion.
Gold luck with your new baby. And take time off for you. If brother contacts you with problems you are unavailable. Id give him a what for complaining to the help. Congratulations! Might let husb play interference whilst recoup
I see some people who’ve been doing this for 15 years, 24/7 caregivers who know so much and perhaps had similar experiences.
I don’t have any older relatives and being in my 30s, none of my friends are in this stage. I’ve had to rely on endless phone calls, and research. This site makes me feel like I have a bunch of wise aunts and uncles to talk to .
Thank you to all those who take the time to truly answer questions, give advice on how they’ve handled situations like this in the past, and point out important things that I may be overlooking.
This is a time that should be anticipated with great joy!
Ignore any unpleasantness! Take care and wishing you all the best in life.
Altho I ran into the problem of trying to go back to handling everything myself, when the stress level was lowered. He felt left out. So I keep him informed of all things. We are in this together/same page. That has been a godsend. When I tell him this is too much for me. He gladly steps up. Thank goodness!
I also think if your husb runs interference, he can call them on their crap, your brothers may knock it off. Another guy sees how they are acting like a bully/jerk. Saying things to the paid help just stirs the pot. They know she will tell you, and increase your stress. She cant tell them to keep their comments to themselves.
Id also secure all valuables/credit cards/check books, knick knacks, for safe keeping off premises, if you cut brother off from getting funds. Things may get pawned or disappear and no one knows anything.
A relative moved into my furnished grandmother's house, after she went to nursing home. Things started disappearing bc family member thought, my mom was in control of the $, Im entitled to something too/jealous. Didnt lift a finger, got free rent, thought my mom was keeping money, not using it for $$$ nursing home. Stole everything not nailed down. And had no idea where those items went.
I also made an Exel spread sheet of what funds are used for, with a small detail about it. Any time they complain your getting the money/paying yourself huge funds, you can send an email. Here are expensives. It would probably take 1 time for them to see spread sheet, and back off. Maybe some jealousy and sniping would stop.
I did that in case my sibling complained, I was spending estate $ on myself. I just put in what I spent check/debit card it on, and what it was for. My lawyer liked that too. Only takes a few mins Every time you spend money that day, at end of day input it. Sounds complicated but it isn't. I am not good at spread sheets, but I can type in a horizontal line, debit card, date, used for gas/groceries that day, then save. Takes me more time to turn computer on, than input info. Id forget to put debit card info in check book, then have to go thru receipts. It sounds like more work but it takes 2 mins if that. Good luck.
I completely understand how much you are in need of help.
But what you are feeling is spot on, this is NOT an aide you want to keep, it doesn't matter how skilled and experienced she is. You need someone who might burn dinner or is a bit messier than you would like, but has a heart, and empathy, and is a transparent person.
Reading your post made all my alarms turn red.
The person that I hired for my mom just last month seemed a godsend, highly professional, very experienced and kind, until she had the contract. After that, things changed, a lot.
These are the things that should have have put me on alert:
1. She was hired through an Agency first, but from day one she asked me for a direct contract. Caroli1 is right, this is a red flag, that I didn't see.
2. She started making condescending comments about my mom, in her presence, treating her like a little demented child, or even awful ones, also in her presence, like she wasn't there, like "When she will be very ill and not able to move from bed I will need more money" or "This dress you are wearing young lady (to my mom, in one of her favourite purple and elegant dresses) is the colour of death" (!!!???)
3. She tried to insert herself between my mother and I, making me feel like I was not necessary and actually a burden to both of them
4 She told me she didn't like the area where we live (the city center) and kept making comparison on how nice the area she used to work was instead.
5. She told me that I was being paranoid about COVID and she kept using public transports and meeting friends even when I begged her to keep her time out just for walks when the situation was precipitating in my country; she told me I was making her feel "anxious" and that she was taking ginger tea with honey as a COVID prevention, and so should I.
And much more.
Thanks God she decided to leave because she got scared of some protests we had very close to home.
I was extremely distraught at the thought of having everything on me once again, but just a few days before she left, when she had already found another job, I had the final confirmation; she openly told me that just before working for us (2 weeks before), she had been working in the COVID area of a private home, with dozens of ill people, and that one of her duties was to carry dead people to the morgue. She told me all this with a smile, and a blink in her eyes which I can just describe as evil.
Before the contract, she had told us she had been home, unemployed and in a lockdown for months. She lied to the agency too, and she didn't even think to test herself for COVID before coming to work for my mom, who's 93.
The risk that I took made me cry, for days. I felt so irresponsible and naive, it destroyed all the pride I had for caring for my mom so attentively. It destroyed my trust in humanity, really.
The week she left - 3 weeks ago - I was so relieved, and the same time overwhelmed by new insecurities in my self, and fear about the future, that is hard to describe how bad I felt.
This post doesn't imply in any way that all carers are dangerous, of course, I just hope that what I've learned from this very painful experience can be useful to you:
* Do not let the relief of having found some help interfere with taking ALL the time and steps needed to see if you can really trust the aide.
* Wait at least 6 months, or more, before hiring an aide directly.
I wasted a whole month for all the paperworks needed, and spent more money to arrange the contract through the agency than I would have spent carrying on with the Agency as employer. Agencies work like a buffer, they truly keep the distance you need between the aid and the family, in all senses.
* Ask references both to the Agency and to the previous families, in detail.
With much empathy
Arwen
That was an amazing story.
It also calls to mind why many employers can identify prospective employees as being "Over qualified".
We just don't have the ability to detect lies, so being taken in, especially when we are more desperate for help, is no one's fault. It happens.
Sorry that happened to you and your Mom.
The problem is, the caregiver seems to talk a little too much and doesn't know how to hold her words.
Sometimes people that like to talk too much do not realize that they are actually annoying/hurting the other person. What you need to do is have a talk with her.
Be nice to her but just let her know that her comments are not appreciated. I think she will understand.
People have good intentions, they just say too much or the wrong things.
My husband has a lot of health issues, therefore, I have to do extra work around the yard, etc. Just the other day, I was painting and my husband was resting. The neighbor came over and told my husband that I do all the work.
My husband told him that I knew his health issues and that I'm just helping him out. The neighbor stated to my husband, "You are just lazy." We both laughed. Neither of us was offended by his comment.
The neighbor is always making such comments. My husband and I don't pay him any attention because he is a good person but he just love making comments.
Anyway, You are doing a fine job making sure your mom and brother are receiving the care they need. Make sure you take care of you and do not let this stuff stress you out. You have a baby on the way.
Be blessed
make it clear that she is causing enough trouble, aggravation, and anxiety not to be worth putting up with no matter how good a caregiver she is. If she’s doing this to you, consider what she may be saying and doing to your mother and brothers.