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Husband with Alzheimer’s hooked up ash vac wrong and hot embers all over floor. I step on one and screamed and yelled at him to get wet towels before the floor burned. He got upset and grabbed his car keys and left. He hasn’t driven for a couple months. I’ve been trying to be patient with him as I know he can’t help what he does and I really screwed up this morning. I feel as though if he gives up it’s all because of me and I don’t know what to do. I failed him. Praying that he comes home safe. I don’t know how much more he can take or how much longer I can go this way

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Pam, it's perfectly understandable to get upset when stepping on a hot ember. You are only human please don't be so hard on yourself.

Your husband is probably upset with himself right now because you got burned by the ember. That's okay, because that is also a natural reaction. After you both calm down I think you will both see it was just an accident, and move past it.

Now that you know your husband may grab the keys and go when he gets upset, I think it's time to hide the keys. Also you can anonymously report him to the DMV so they can require he have a driving evaluation, and also revoke his license if he is not safe to drive.

Please let us know how it goes, and how you are doing.
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Pamela8 Jan 2021
He came home safely. You were correct. He left upset because i burned my foot. Thank you so much for your comforting words. And we are both calmed down and ok.
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Please don't beat yourself up over this. You are only human for crying out loud. I would have screamed too, had I walked on hot ash unexpectedly. Those of us that are or have been a caregiver for a loved one for any length of time, have at one point or another yelled at our loved over something. It comes with the territory. And yes, we all feel bad after we do it. I remember one time last year when I lost my patience with my husband who had vascular dementia, and hollered at him. I immediately felt bad and when in to apologize to him, and he didn't even remember the incident. But I did, so I still apologized. We all do the best we can and that's all we can do. If it's just getting to be too much for you, then perhaps it's time to looking for the appropriate facility to place him in, where you won't have to worry about him taking off in the car. That right now, would be my main concern, as someone with Alzheimer's driving a car is an accident waiting to happen. Or God forbid he gets lost, and can't find his way back home. You need to either take his keys away, or if it's a vehicle that only he drives, have someone take the battery out, so it won't start if he were to try to drive it in the future. Wishing you the best. None of what you're doing, caring for someone with Alzheimer's is easy, so please be gentle on yourself. God bless you.
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Pamela8 Jan 2021
Thank you. So much. You have given me comfort with your words. He came home safe. I have no idea how his driving was but his car in driveway again. Will have to address this situation. Caregiving so hard. Validation means so much. God Bless you.
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Please, don't be hard on yourself. This is a desease that is so hard to deal with. Its so unpredictable. You never know what the person will do or say. I had a very hard time seeing any humor in it.

Your husband may forget what happened. You need to forgive yourself. May be time to oversee everything he does. I was the child who could be made to feel guilty. I refused to allow myself to feel guilt with my Mom. I was the only child doing the hands on caring. The one who was here. Patience I don't have, got that from Mom. Mom is gone and when I get those guilt feelings, I push them back. I did what I could the best I could.
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Pamela8 Jan 2021
Yes he seemed to forget. Mood was fine when he got home. I think I’m doing my best but always question it. Thank you JoAnn
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I know how hard it is to be living with and caring for someone with Alzheimer's. I feel for you. No one is perfect though. Everyone gets angry and yells once in a while. You're not the only one so please don't beat yourself up about it and have so much guilt.
Also, stop praying that your husband comes home safe. If he has Alzheimer's even if it's mild right now and in the early stages, he cannot be driving a car. That puts him in danger and also every other innocent person in the area where he's driving. Other drivers, pedestrians taking a walk, children playing outside.... Those car keys have to be taken away.
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