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I am 42, my father is 81 and my mother is 78. Eight or nine years ago they did what a lot of seniors do after working hard all their life, they decided to move to another area. They lived in the DC area for over 50 years and decided to go down to North Carolina. They moved to a town that a church couple they knew had moved to, figuring these were their friends and this would be an enjoyable time. My parents bought a new construction home, moved down, and proceeded to pal around with this couple basically eating out and shopping, and going to church. Well a few years into the new move, the wife of the couple died. Of course the friendship between my parents and this couple went away as well. My mother and the lady were the real friends in this situation. To get to the point, after this occurred my father started to show obvious signs of dementia, forgetfulness and unable to string together sentences. My parents moved five hours away so of course my siblings and I only knew partially what was going on. Typical of many parents, my mother wasn't very open. Well now obviously things have worsened with my father. He is basically a shell of himself. He can eat and talk and walk, but he's out of it. He does remember his wife and children thankfully, but he is incontinent, talks out of his head 99% of the time and early in the mornings and in the evenings wanders through their house in another world. He has diabetes and other chronic health issues, and my mother battles daily to give his insulin, and he refuses to take other medication. My husband and I travel down there maybe 3 or 4 times a year and it's getting to be a miserable experience. I hate going down there now. One sibling has three children, job struggles, and never goes down. He has his constant excuses for why, and I am learning that this is just the way some siblings are and it's a waste of time being frustrated. My other sibling has basically been the problem child all his life, won't keep a job, currently staying with a friend, so basically homeless. If my parents were still in the area he would be living with them. I guess I want to express that I want to be there for my parents. I have gone back and forth about moving where they are. But I don't want to throw my own life in an upheaval. I struggle with emotional problems, have just lost my job, and have a husband (no children) who I don't want to stress out any more than I already have. I am angry with my parents for moving so far away, to a place with no family, no one who would truly look out for them. They bought this huge house which is now unmanageable. Sometimes when I am talking to my mother I want to yell at her that they need to move back but I know she is under so much strain and don't want to do that to her. But I am truly stressed out right now. One of my fears is my mother will get sick, or pass away before my father. Then what?!?


I can't run up and down the road looking after them. I know I would break down. I don't know what to do.


I guess I am looking for moral support. Thank you.

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Is your mother also suffering from some sort of cognitive issues?

If not, as JoAnn said...you will need to have a "come to Jesus" discussion with your mom. You need to have her understand that even IF you choose to come down once a month for a week at a time, that leaves mom with 40 other weeks to have to figure out the care for dad. She needs to be told that, heartbreaking as it is to admit, you dad is not going to improve; his care needs will continue to grow and grow, likely outgrowing the care your mom will be physically, mentally and emotionally able to give.

Something like "mom, what's your long term plan for dad? What if he forgets who you are? What if he starts to wander? Becomes violent? What are your plans for when the time comes that he CAN'T be left alone, and you need to leave the house to run errands or attend to your own health? What is your plan in the event YOU get sick and can't take care of him? Even if I'm here 12 weeks out of the year, what are you going to do the rest of the time?" Sometimes, caregivers become so enmeshed in the minutia of the day to day chores they never stop and consider the bigger picture or the future; then when it's suddenly upon them, they have no plans in place and a bad situation becomes exponentially worse.

It's a very tough position you are in. The one solution that your mom has to be made aware of, however, is that YOU are NOT going to uproot yourself and your husband and move to them to become their caregiver. Clearly by what you wrote, even the thought of it fills you with resentment; actually moving there would be infinitely worse for everyone, including dad, because as much as you might try and hide it, your resentment will spill through and poison all of your relationships: your relationship with your spouse, parents and siblings. And that doesn't make you a bad daughter in any way, shape or form, so don't allow guilt to make a bad decision for you.

Good luck!
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My situation isn't exactly like yours, but I share many of your frustrations with older parents refusing to plan ahead and absentee siblings who nevertheless find criticsm comes easily to them when helping does not. My parents had lived in the DC area since 1950. I am now 61, so a lot of what you are now going through I have already been through. That's why your story resonated. I moved away when I got married but my three brothers stayed in the area. Our parents insisted on keeping their giant three story home on the Potomac as they aged. I did not believe they would be better off in assisted living. But I worried about their ability to take care of their house. Also they were hoarders. My mother started buying china and crystal and mugs and dishes and tschockes until every square inch was packed, including miles of cabinets built to hold her hoarde. What really broke my heart was she almost never used any of it. While the family continued to spend holidays around her dining table, she would always ask me if it was okay to use paper napkins and plates. I would visit with my grown children and lie awake at night worrying about how their big old house would ever be emptied of their accumulated stuff. One of my brother's wives did open her doors and host Thanksgiving, Christmas and family birthdays. But the other two did not. It wasn't until my father died in 2016 that she stopped trying to host the family for holidays (which often meant I was cooking in CT and filling the trunk of my car with food for this purpose). After my father died, my mother was understandably depressed. She had provided most of his care. She was also reluctant to let go of control, and my brothers would not support me in pushing her to allow us (me anyway) to take over the management of some of her things. She turned 93 the February after my father died. Things were so bad between us, and her language was so abusive that I vowed I would not visit her again until she sought help for her mental health. This was a promise that I could not keep. Meanwhile in 2018, the brother she had come to depend on (and was paying) moved to MI, which was odd because he was over 60 and my mother was 94 and dependent on him. She did not take his move well (who can blame her). COVID hit her hard--the isolation especially. And she continued to decline. She became weaker in body, mind and spirit. But something else happened. She finally accepted that she could not control everything on her own. She had been telling us for years that she did not want our advice. She wanted our help. But she made helping incredibly painful and difficult. Once she surrendered, I found the burden of visiting from CT became easier. And I changed too. She was not the same controlling, critical mother who raised me. She was frail and scared and needed my help. She moved into a condo in September and I spent two weeks emptying her house--a chore I had dreaded for years. And you know what? It was okay. The reason it's been easier to help her since December of 2020 is that I finally surrendered. I stopped expecting my brothers to help (two never do). And I stopped expecting her to change. I could not control that. I could only control what I did and how I felt.

Though your situation is very difficult now, cultivate mindfulness. Let go of resentments and bitterness (even though you earned the right). And if you believe the right thing to do is move your parents back up from NC into a condo or AL, know you have the strength to make it happen even if your siblings do nothing to help. Have faith in yourself and God.
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What great answers, I don't think I can add anything to this discussion. I am writing here to thank you for asking that question! I and my husband could be your parents, you could be my only child asking this!

Instead of a few hours or a short road trip away, we are on the other side of the country. This has given me insight into my own child's worries and a new thought project for today. I keep my family informed but maybe I need to do a better job of handling everything. The burden falls to me, not to them.

Perhaps your own mom will also think the burden is hers, but needs a little insight to your feelings, too. Good luck with your conversation, or all six of them, and I hope it works out well for both you and your parents. It's bad enough to lose your dad, and hard to see your mom go thru it. Try to be supportive , but don't fall down into that hole yourself. Talk to your husband, too, and get his real feelings about it!
There is a light the end of the tunnel, keep your eye on it!
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You know, if you WERE just down the street I wonder if this would be any better?

Be a phone call a day, then 2, then daily visits, then overnights... The Slippery Slope. It's a common trap that caring folk slide down..

Mom could be so overwhelmed with daily life she has no time or energy to make next week's plan - let alone plan a move, look into AL options, the finances, sell the house etc. (Just read Ngoodenough got to that idea first ☺️).

I think of it as looking at the tiny shells at your feet on a beach - not looking up to see the tsunami on the horizon.

Yes agree to an honest chat with Mom. I was told it can take SIX times to START to sink in.

The good news is you have time. This is not a wander/violent/setting fire to the kitchen issue. You have time to chat, time to research.

So instead of that slippery slope, you can plan a pathway. Mom is hanging onto her independence right now. One thing I've learnt is that independence changes size. A relative of mine decided the big house would take too many workers to maintain - downsized & managed her apartment herself. Adding in cleaning & meal service as needed. I call that still indepenant.

That's how I'd sell the idea of 'help' to your Mom. Services & Aides will help her & Dad stay together longer & a smaller place will help her stay independent longer.
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No easy answers here, but if you as family are going to care for them, they’ll have to move closer- like it or not. My folks lived out of state. We talked all the time & things sounded ok, until I’d drive out & visit. It became clear they couldn’t care for themselves, much less each other. They were malnourished, had several health issues, were scared & getting ugly with each other from frustration & fear I believe.

Dad fell & broke his hip. He was firing his OT & PT help. I decided to find an AL facility near me where they could stay & Dad could heal. I said it was for 8-10 weeks, not permanent. They agreed hesitantly.

It was easier for me, but moving is stressful for all of us, esp. for people with AD or dementia. It was difficult & many of the caregivers were inept about caring for my folks. My mom went downhill quickly & passed, which was a blessing for her. We put my dad in a MC facility which helped tremendously, until the covid lockdowns were implemented.

I moved him out 8 weeks into it b/c he’d “quit” due to the isolation. He was then in a one bedroom apartment with 24/7 help. He flourished and spent the last year of his life happy. The illness progresses & gets more complicated for all, but we could see/spend time with him & he was happy! We sold his house after Mom passed b/c it was too far away. Dad was then ok with that. He was living in “the now”. It all works out, but allowing the person with the least reasoning ability to call the shots makes no sense! It has to work for whomever will be caring for them! Good luck!
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XenaJada Oct 2021
Your last three sentences are spot on!
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Acceptance is Key
Part of our frustration with our situation is not accepting it and the limits on our ability to change it. Remembering that there is only so much you can control might help your frustration level so that you don’t get frustrated with your parents. Dad can’t help what is happening to him and Mom is doing the best she can for her husband of many years and herself. I’m sure that when they embarked on their post retirement life, they never imagined it would look like this. I’m sure they are both scared of what the future might bring.
That being said, the fact that you just lost your job could be a blessing in disguise. So you have the ability to go spend about a month with your mom helping her get things in order? Sounds like she could use the help and company and you could use the time to bond and discuss ways to make her and your dad’s life more manageable. Maybe make some phone calls and secure additional resources for them so when you go back home, things are better?
My husband and I are 60 and he has Alzheimer’s. We live in Cali and his siblings are in Michigan and his children are on the east coast. It’s just us here but there’s nowhere I’d rather be. A long visit might be the best thing for her and you. Good luck.
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Yes, this is hard. This story is told way to often. I am sure you do not begrudge your parents the good times they had in NC. It also appears that they have reached a point where something must change.

Talk with your mom about how her day typically goes. Ask her when she gets breaks from caring for your father. If the answer is - none - suggest that it might be time to move closer into a smaller place.

If your mom agrees, then help her with researching all the options available to them in your area. Consider senior housing options, assisted living, adult day care programs, and memory care units (for your dad).

Also, bring in your spouse to have frank conversations with your mom about finances and expectations. If you have too many life struggles going on, living together is not in anybody's best interest. Look at your parents' monthly income and compare this to the resources you already researched. It might be easiest to move them somewhere with assisted living that can phase to higher levels of care but will also take the amount of income your parents have.

This will not be a one time conversation with your mom, but a series of conversations. Take your time while helping them with information so mom can make the decision she is comfortable with. Also, make time to get some care for yourself. See your primary care doctor about your issues. Get the care you need.
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Wow reading your post… I can relate. My parents moved away from us to southern coastal NC years ago. Everything was fine for quite awhile although they put a lot of pressure on us to visit and bring the grandkids. It is a very long drive to a very out of the way place. Fast forward to when they started to decline, refuse all help, won’t move to assisted living etc and they live on a barrier island that is in the path of every east coast hurricane. I would have to drop everything and race down I 95 for 6 hours to help them evacuate. The last one was huge and ruined their home. Prior to the storm there was a mandatory evacuation and I was trying to pack everything up and dad was just lying in the bed naked playing solitaire on his computer. So frustrating. We went to a hotel a few hours inland and had to stay three weeks. It fell on us (sister and me) to provide all food and meds while they were in the hotel. They would never leave the room. Had to get meds refilled in new pharmacy because they ran out. I kept up with my remote work job amazingly during this time. Found out Mom doesn’t close the door when she is in the bathroom!! Fun times. The renovation of their home fell on us children and we had to find them temporary housing. That would have been a great time to go to assisted living but they refused. They had zero game plan for aging and it all fell on us. Dad has passed now and mom still has no plan other than lay in bed and have either daughter wait on her. She lived with me for two years until I couldn’t hack it anymore and now she lives with my sister. Sorry I don’t have any good advice for you just feeling your pain! It’s an eye opener for me and how I want to age and what I do not want to impose on my own children. I wish you the best of luck.
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As difficult as this is, your mom gets to make her own decision about caring for her husband.

I recommend watching a movie called "Still Mine", it was a real eye opener for what is going on when one parent is still able in all ways and the other is being lost to dementia.

Is it possible to encourage mom to order meals, hire a housekeeper and try introducing help for her so she can be available for dad?

Trying to force her to place him can cause more of a stressor for her, until she is ready it is only going to cause her to dig in deeper.

Be a loving daughter and an unjudgemental ear for her. Support her this way and she may open up more. Don't reprimand her for their choice to move to some place different in their retirement, it is pretty common.
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Stop worrying about the possible negatives until they occur - if they do - we can have too vivid an imagination and get ourselves very wound up over things we thing could happen. Most of them won't. If you parents are happy where they are visit as you would normally, check during general conversation whether mother needs any assistance and if so offer to help her, otherwise if they are settled and happy with what is happening (even if you are not and think things should be better) leave things alone and let them get on with their lives. If you can get POA for your mother it would be useful "just in case", but let them do what they want and help out where and when it is asked for / your offer is taken up. Don't stress yourself into getting them to do what you think is best - that is currently their choice. Have nice visits.
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