My mom with Alzheimer's passed away three weeks ago. She and Dad have lived with us for four years, and Mom died in their bedroom, under Hospice care. Dad was very kind to her, but is also unemotional and didn't react very much in those last days. He may be developing dementia, but at 91 it seems like "normal" decline to us. In any case, he continues to ask us throughout the day where Mom is, is she in the hospital, whether she died last night, etc. We are not bringing it up; he brings it up himself. In the coming week I'll request grief counseling from Hospice, but for now I'd love to know whether others have experienced this and if you were able to help your person find peace.
Hospice grief counseling is wonderful, but don’t expect it to make much impression on dad. His brain may be unable to process her death, and you should be prepared for that.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mom, and I wish you the best in caring for your dad.
Your father has some sort of memory impairment. It’s a dementia of some sort. My father (96) was at my mother’s bedside when she died last year and he went to her funeral. They were married 71 years.
He now thinks she is still alive. If he can’t finish a treat I’ve brought, he tells me to give it to mom.
I just say ok. There is nothing to be gained by reminding him that she’s dead.
Mary-Francis O’Conner,PhD,, psychologist and a neuroscientist who directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab at the University of Arizona says that
the brain has to remap and learn that a loved one is truly gone. This takes time. At 91, perhaps it would take longer than others but three weeks is not very long.
There is a time while grieving that a person may basically hold two thoughts to be true. Your mother is gone and yet the brain seems to hold onto wishful thinking that she is still here. Especially when the person was very close to the one who passed, the brain wants to keep the old mapping. As we grieve and the brain learns the person is truly gone, will not be coming back, this awareness creeps in that she is not here now, she is not close. Of course it could be dementia that the shock of her death has accelerated if you are seeing new decline.
O’Conner has written two books on her amazing studies on how our brains and bodies respond to grief. One called “The Grieving BRAIN”. The other “The Grieving BODY”.
Look her up. I found her by listening to an Andrew Huberman podcast. She has a website as well.
The podcast link is attached.
Dr O’Connor says we can’t tell anyone how to grieve, nor for how long but being with them helps.
https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/healing-from-grief-loss-dr-mary-frances-oconnor
I lost my Mom, and took care of my zdad for four years until he passed. I agree that there is no harm in him not remembering she died. It is like losing her over and over again each time he is told. Bless you for taking care of your Dad! Just make sure to take good care of yourself too!
best of luck to your family. 🙏🍀❤️
My condolences for your loss of your mother, Dementia means broken brain and loss of judgement. Hope that time will heal your Dad.