Is it helpful or harmful to send mom cards from her deceased parents?

I wouldn't do it, even though it would be a nice gesture, it could backfire. One thing would be the handwriting. Your Mom would remember how her mother wrote or signed cards. If the handwriting isn't the same, certain phases wouldn't be the same, it could bother her. Then she would really insist on seeing her parents.

My mom had the same feelings. I told her everyone was out and about for Christmas and wouldn't be home. What I suggested was to write Christmas cards to anyone she wanted. I wrote the comments and she signed them. She said she liked the idea of having a personal secretary. I told her I would mail them when I got home which I never did. She made out cards to 10 dead relatives! Mom passed away in May. I brought out the cards last week that we had done last Christmas and it was heartwarming to know I helped her in some small way to "reconnect" with her relatives. I will always keep those cards.

It is one thing to go along with their delusions, it just seems a step too far to me to actively encourage them. And I agree that it might backfire in ways you can't foresee.

Agree I think it would cause Mom more anguish and confusion. I would just be noncommittal. Say something neutral. I am glad they are still happy there and change the subject

I don't see what purpose it would serve beyond giving a few seconds of enjoyment. What if then she wanted to drive over to see them? Or wondered why they didn't come see her? I don't think sending fraudulent cards could do anything good and, like others said, could backfire.

Can you substitute by getting other family members (siblings, cousins, etc.) sending periodic cards to her? I know it's her parents she misses and other family members aren't the same, but perhaps they can remind her that she's still in their hearts and thoughts.

This brings to mind a very interesting article by Carol Bradley Bursack, where she describes going along with her Dad's delusions by making fake degrees and honor certificates and hanging them on his wall. He thought he had done all those things.

I'm not sure it is always wrong to "pretend" that what the person with dementia believes is real. And even to make up evidence for the belief. I think Carol did a good thing for her Dad.

In this case, my only concern would be if this causes Bailey's mom to be more adamant to see her parents. I don't know how you could predict that one way or the other. Bailey, I think your instincts are correct, to try to get into your mom's world and give her pleasure there. I guess the question is, how likely is this to backfire?

You can read Carol's article here: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/playing-along-with-dementia-realities-121365.htm

I agree with others here - I think this is just going a bit too far with the delusions. Sometimes "going with it" when it comes to the delusions our elders have is harmless - like when my Dad insisted there were little Santa Clauses running around on the floor and warned us not to step on them, or when he insisted he was eating something and kept miming using a spoon to scoop it into his mouth. Harmless enough to just go with those and let him work through the delusion himself. But sending cards from deceased parents plays into the delusion to the point of possibly causing emotional harm, I think.

Prime example: my uncle was pretty deep into dementia when my father (his brother) passed away. We insisted he be told, thinking he had a right to know. Big mistake. He was so far into dementia that he would forget something you told him and ask about it again 5 minutes later. Telling him his only brother had died caused him pain when he was told - then again later when he forgot and asked about how his brother was doing and then he'd say, "Oh....did he die? He died, didn't he?" and he'd be sad all over again. Worst mistake we ever made was telling him that Dad had died. He would have been far better off if we hadn't told him at all.

If your mom wants to believe her parents are still living, let her - but I wouldn't advise promoting the delusion any further by giving her cards signed from them. If she happens to have a few moments of lucidity and remembers they are gone, the cards can only cause confusion and pain.

I can see both positions of those who say DON'T and those who encourage you. What about this? My Mom is a pack rat, she had all kinds of letters and cards from all kinds of people that wrote to her over the years. I found all kinds of greeting cards from different holidays - what if you mom has some of those from her parents and you pull them out and let her read them again, for the next time she asks?

bailey33, I know this is difficult for you and for your mom. Your heart is in the right place and I am sure that you do your best for your mom. Offer your mom lots of of hugs and lots reassurance and know that your best is enough. God bless you...and her, too.