Help with dealing with combative Dad.
My Dad is a wonderful man, and both folks can care for their selves, but I clean, and sterilize the house, and keep the things like the tv running.... Over the last few years due to family issues, financial issues, and the pains that come with aging, and not choosing to buy the finished dentures that would allow him to eat properly, and insomnia... He has unresolved anger. Instead of getting a therapist, and learning to do anger in a more healthy way... He starts the day and picks fights and blows up almost daily. He is unable to work things out in discussion (how I deal with conflict) because he always ends up yelling and walking away.
I know it's not ok for him to come at me, but now he is even being horrible to my Mom. She does nothing to deserve harsh treatment.
I try to not engage, but there are times when I'm in the middle of things I can't walk away from, and I have gotten reactive, which I know is unhealthy, and I'd like to develop a better habit to deal in these situations.
I do scream into a pillow, or in the car, and journal for the anger I have (learned in therapy) and try to find my own joy... but I welcome advice from anyone who has been in a situation with a combative aging parent.
I hope I'm in the right forum, and this makes sense... I'm a functional dyslexic :)
Thank you~ Julie*💜
More than likely your father is grieving many things, including his aging body. He may be feeling helpless to fix anything and he hates that he can't fix all the problems that you have mentioned. Your father is crying in his own way but will not show that, only the anger and lashing out.
A good lic therapist at the VA hospital could be very helpful, as well as a Geriatric Dr or Neurologist. Getting your father the right care for him is important for him as well as keeping you and your mother safe.
So I can find out medical info about my sister, and she can for me as well, as we have signed paperwork to that effect. Same with my spouse. This makes it easier to do things like schedule appointments for each other or call to refill meds, and have access to records in case something happens. We aren't elderly yet, but have dealt with medical issues for a long time, so I have a lot of experience with all of this fun stuff.
Perhaps your dad would allow you to have access this way, but maybe not. He might be more willing to do this with his wife. Perhaps your mom would also do this with you in case you need to speak for her to the doctor. Now, believe me I am familiar with stubborn and independent people, particularly elders, and it's not always easy to do this but it is at least an option to consider.
If I were you, I would be trying to convince them to put POA into place and all of the paperwork that you will need when your parents get older. They may be resistant to this. It doesn't mean you would take over their lives, just that if they become incapacitated or unable to handle their affairs or communicate, you could do so for them.
Everyone should have these things set up and ready to go well in advance, because the person who is the subject of the POA has to be in their right mind to grant POA. If they have advanced dementia, then they can't legally agree to it. Now keep in mind, the greatest problem with this entire thing is that the person can say they won't do it. That's a real pickle, but you can sometimes explain why it's a good idea and get some agreement from them.
By the way, so far, your dyslexia has not caused me to be confused about what you write. You mentioned it a couple of times and I wanted you to know that.
It is hard to have to be in this position with our parents or any older relatives. There is a shift that happens and there is a point where you are aware something is wrong but you can't force them to do anything that will help them. It's very frustrating. Most of the time the older generation thinks of us as "kids" and someone here described it as something like "butt powdering syndrome". If they powdered your butt they can't see you as a person who is "in charge" of them in any way.
Sometimes this will change, and they let you help them, and sometimes it's a fight the entire way. I sincerely hope you end up with a situation where you can help if needed without too much fight from your parents. You should read through the forum to get an idea of what could go on and ways to ward off some of the worst outcomes, but one of the biggest favors you can do for yourself is to recognize there are things you can control and things you can't. Knowing the difference will help save your sanity.
Also, WB is a life saver but yes, he has to take it on schedule. On and off will make it more likely for him to have mood swings. The "going up" on it part can induce anxiety or hypomania in a lot of people. (Extended release pills prevent someone forgetting to take a second dose.) That doesn't mean it's the wrong med, but your dad may need his dr to add something to the mix to even him out.
Again, we're talking about hypotheticals here because we can't be sure that your dad will allow any of this to happen right now. I wish you health and happiness in the New Year.
For me, walking away when I get frustrated or angry. I care for my husband with dementia, and he will yell something over and over and over again - sometimes for hours. He just gets stuck in a loop. When I can no longer stand it, or find my self yelling at him to stop, I would go outside to a nice seating area on the back patio - or out front. Or go for a short walk, as the physical exercise has a calming effect as well. I can no longer walk easily, so I don't do the walking.
I also found that Googling his behavior will sometimes yield results for experts advice on what may cause the behavior and how to manage it effectively. It helps me to have a better understanding of why he is doing the behavior.
I'd also like to suggest that your dad see a neurologist to test for dementia.
You are attributing his anger to his current life situation, but he may be developing a form of dementia which distorts his view and his ability to manage his behavior. That will require a whole different approach to managing his care as well as his behavior.
That means that I WILL manipulate my now 89 yo mother who has stage 5 dementia, advanced glaucoma (75% blind) and pre-diabetes, because it's the results that matter to me.
One of the things that I do is that I lean into her biases. For example, my Mom ALWAYS has gotten along with, favored, catered to men. Therefore I've ensured that her dementia specialist, her physical therapist, her endocrinologist, her orthopedist, and her dentist are men. She listens to them and does whatever they say (when I remind her).
Find the ways to get your father to cooperate. Yes, it is manipulation. I do it because I do what it takes to keep my mom safe and comfortable, in her own home (for a variety of reasons, we don't live together). I diffuse, evade, side-step combative situations. I make Mom think that SHE has come up with the solutions that are in her best interests. I verbally agree with her as much as possible. Who is his favorite person? Have that person present/discuss the most pressing items (like the dentures) that need to happen, so that your father comes to YOU and says lets get this done. If your dad is the type who feels empowered by being the expert, get his help on as many things around the house as is practical, even if it's just verbal advice.
Get on his level. When you make a list, look up a recipe, or consult him, make the point that you also have your areas of 'weakness' and that you understand how it feels to know yourself to not be who you were.
Things like insomnia require investigation on your part. Very quietly, learn is their room too dark, not dark enough? Is there late night/overnight noise that occurs? Do they need a different mattress? What about room temperature? What about timing of medication? Is there a lot of urination at night? Going to bed too early/late? Is there day-time napping? How about a lavender sachet in the pillow, or lavender flameless candle?
Create a list of the sore points (from most to least urgent) and step by step, allow yourself some creative solutions. I also must warn you however, at least with a dementia patient like my mom, the solutions are not permanent. What worked for 6 months, as her mental condition declines, I have to find new solutions.
Good luck!
The behaviour is now set in so it may take time to correct - slowly - without forcign it - try to say things that seem like you are giving him a choice. He may feel helpless to address issues he would have before aging issues. That can create built in anger - try and correct what you can and then see the difference in his behaviour. try not to join in on the drama - walk out of the room and let him calm down. Just because someone invites you into their drama doesnt mean you need to accept yeah! - try and sort out the health issues and then see how you can calm his fears about money issues. He may be ranting as no ones listenng to him. Good luck
And in response to your questions about privacy, the doctor needs to protect the patient's privacy, but you can and in fact should share information with the doctor so he gets the full picture.
Hoping it all goes well, for all of you.
Thanks again to you all :)
I clean the house because, I live here and can't work. This is my way of helping. Unfortunately, my brother and wife had MRSA for years, and she even lived with us for a while. This involves a lot of disinfecting way before Covid, and I got really good at it. I'm unfortunately a germaphobe now, and yes I agree... We have all changed because of Dad's anger. I'm looking for ways to be less reactive, and to deal with the way I (and my Mom) have handled things... If he is on the path to actual dementia, and it's not just his anger over other family issues, and all the pain he is in mentally and physically, I want my Mom and I to handle things as mentally healthy as we can... And I am grateful for everything everyone has said here, and will follow through to the best of my ability. The one thing we have on this family is a lot of love, even if we are dysfunctional right now, and I'm pretty sure the miserable angry state he is in isn't bringing him joy. I don't think yelling brings him joy either. I'm glad I have not written the card to him yet. Everything you all have said will influence that. I will keep using this site as I'm out of my depth here.
I apologize to everyone for how wordy I get. Being a functional dyslexic, editing isn't a strong point.
Thank you to everyone again. Your help means so much :)
He does a lot of exercise every day, while your pain level is off the charts, but YOU clean and even sterilize his house -- why? He is so bad that you have to scream into a pillow or a car.
Your father is an abuser, and you've been conditioned to make excuses for him.
You're clearly such a loving and caring person, and working so hard to control the situation. But his cognitive issues are causing his abuse to escalate, and it might indeed become physical.
As the others have said, contact your family doctor immediately through the patient portal or by phone. Emphasize that it's urgent. There are medications that can make a huge improvement with the anger and aggression. It will improve life not only for you and your mother, but for your father too, because isn't anger a terrible state to live in? In the meantime, consider calling 911 if he seems to be out of control. That can speed getting the help he so clearly needs, but won't seek on his own.
I wish you well, and hope you are able to find peace in this situation. You deserve it, and so does your mother. It's also very thoughtful of you to reply to the comments -- not everyone does. I hope you all can get back to the safe family life you once had.
In the meantime, don't hesitate to call 911
My father had terrible insomnia for 15+ years and then the last couple of those years became very easily frustrated, like a toddler. He would push my mother out of the way and shout and curse about the least thing, all the exact opposite of his previous personality. By then there was no “discussing” anything as only the very simplest sentences had any chance of getting through to him. He had zero insight into his own condition. He was also making catastrophic mistakes with money and doing dangerous, crazy things around the house and property. It was dementia.
It took a few tries to get a combination of meds that helped him — AND my mother — but the Dr did find the meds that helped with his agitation, combative behavior, obsessions, and insomnia quite a bit. I seriously doubt we would have been able to keep him at home without these meds. Good luck!
treating mom well, the next step is that he gets physical with her. That doesn’t mean he hauls off and hits her - not at first - he might grab her arm and twist it, or slam her into a wall.
Even the kindest and best people on earth are changed by dementia. Calming meds from his doctor would be a good starting point. Please don’t let this go on! I’m so sorry this is happening to all of you.
The next time this happens, and difficult as it sounds, an ambulance must be called. It is unlikely your father will in any other wise submit to testing of his mental acuity. He will be transported by EMT to ER. Do not stay in the ER, but when you are called, as his next of kin, do enumerate the instances and your fears, and the necessity of a full workup for dementia.
Call in the Social Workers who will work with you to get temporary guardianship for placement if that is needed.
I am so sorry.
Thank you. Grateful for the help.
He may not be able to change, or control himself but it won't be known until he goes to his primary doctor for a complete physical to rule out any other medical reasons for his behavior. He could have had a TIA (mini stroke) which can change a person's personality. Dementia is usually diagnosed by discounting all other medical causes.
Dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic; it causes them to lose empathy for others; it causes them to be impatient and demanding; they get easily freaked out because their sense of time and space and place no longer function properly; and their short-term memory is diminishing.
Your Dad may now need meds to help him with depression or anxiety / agitation / aggression. Some forms of dementia create more aggressive personalities than others. My Mom (96) started crying in the morning and the lowest dose of Lexapro has helped her. Now she is becoming more mean so I may need to revisit her primary doc for guidance. Medication for these instances is merciful since they can no longer bring themselves under control, and a place of mental/emotional peace so they need help rather than be allowed to spiral out of control, which is distressing to them even though they may not express it.