Hello. My husband and now have my mother living with us. She is 84. I have 2 brothers that basically only stop in for an occasional visit. My older sister who is single, handles moms finances. She WANTS to be able to help more but my mom really doesn't want her around but to visit. They just seem to clash. Mom and I have always been close. Now we are even closer. She's used to me and we have a routine.
The problem is that my mother is now becoming rude to my sis. Snotty comments, mean looks etc. For years my mom would complain about my sister but wouldn't say anything directly to her for fear of hurting her feelings. Now she just blurts it out! Which I'm sure is normal. She's usually forgotten by the next day. But my sister hasn't. She loves my mother but is getting tired of her attitude. I'm stuck in the middle because I feel horrible for my sister but even after I've talked to my mom about it (at the time she is remorseful and embarrassed) but forgets quickly.
I'm at a loss. I seriously wish I could tell my sister to just come for an occasional visit with my mom. My mom seems to be able to handle that. But that would hurt her feelings. She wants to give me some relief and help with moms care. There is no way I could tell her the truth. My husband and I are going away for a weekend soon. I'm so worried about how my mom will treat my sister while we're gone!
Tonight was the last straw. I needed to take my mom to have an MRI. Late at night. My sister wanted to come with. Of course my mother wasn't thrilled. So anyway, we went. My mother was having trouble filling out the paperwork. I let her try so she didn't feel like a child. Just as I was about to offer my help, my sister took the clipboard from my mom and started filling it out. My mom didn't say a word. When we got her into a room I started helping her undress etc. my sister started to help too. It got a bit chaotic. But I didn't want to ask her to let me do it! My mom finally said "Linda can do it!"😳 I felt horrible. My sister got tears in her eyes and sat down. Anyway, we ended up not having the MRI because it was too painful for mom to lay on her back that long. By the time I got her redressed, got her oxygen back on, got her out to the car and back home, she was so upset she was starting to hyperventilate a little. She could hardly walk from the car to the house. (My sister was gone by this time.) I got mom in, got her comfortable, did our normal bedtime ritual etc. She finally calmed down and acted like herself again. Come to find out she was very stressed out because of my sister.
I'm at wits end. It gets old thinking about how worthless my brothers are. My mom pretty much would be happy if it was just myself, my hubby and her! Always. She doesn't care any more if her friends or my aunts want to visit! She's happy to be with us and her cats. All this and it's only been about a month and a half! And this is the easy part!🙀
Your profile says that your Mom has age related decline. I wonder if there is any memory issues sneaking up on her. Sometimes that can be a reason for Mom to favor one child to be her hands-on caregiver and not the others. Or less people around the more secure an elder would feel.
It will be interesting to see how the week-end goes, when you are away, and your sister is your Mom's primary care giver.
Keep us up-to-date with how it goes.
I think I might just be honest about it. Mom's feelings are obvious, so sister should just accept it. Some people with decline are prone to allow certain people to help them with certain things. Go with mom's preference. If sister is in charge of the finances, explain that that's a very important role, she does it well and that's what she should be doing.
I guess I don't see the value in making mom uncomfortable, just because you don't want to hurt sister's feelings. I'd have to explain it to sister and say, sorry, but that's how mom is right now, so let's do it her way.
Would your mother be more comfortable with your sister or a hired aide? Can she afford an aide?
At some point you have to take practical realities into consideration. Sure, be as honest as you want with your sister, but I it sounds like your mother makes her preferences obvious, so what do you need to tell sister? Be honest with your mother. "We need to go away for a week. I know it can be a bit stressful with Sis here, but that is the best we can do."
It has only been a month-and-a-half. Good. Still plenty of time to establish routines and set boundaries. And one of the routines has to be respite for the caregivers.
have sis be the treat bringer.
short drop by of moms favorite. little gifts. does she like flowers. something tasty something that remains.
yes prefill out paperwork. make sure mom is getting thiamine in her diet. helps with mental decline and aging.
easily attainable.
Tell sis the truth. It is the disease your mother is SECURE with mondane sameold same old.
The gifts might be stomped. dont give up.She will eventually ignore or accept. you are responding to your mother your emotuons are felt . You need help and put it point blank to your mother . you need help caring for your mother or you will be in the grave before she is. Either psychologically or otherwise.
instead of smoothing it over. non confrontationally
remind your mothet She is Your SiS helping you. because you need help. Put the help need on you.
If something happen to you then what.
A combative person in nursinghome not good sernerio.
Tell her point blank you need help and you trust your loving sister to do everything she can to help you care for their mother. sis is already doing her share.
mom may forget . but eventually even by defalt eventually she will come to terms.
if sis doesnt do anything but bring flowers fruit and wash dishes or something not in same room.
mom might have looked forward to being emptynester. cats are indpendant.selfreliant was that your mother?
coming doing something will ease your sisters need to help. dont know if her breathing may preclude shopping. this is something sis can do .
not busy work but needed put puts her presence there.
Other sis. tell mom quit getting herself in a huff you need help.and you dont have to count the china with sis helping mom is in loving hands.
dont anticipate sis visit errand drop.
will fill sis need and provide wider support bade you need. if mom falls you need sis.
moreso as disease process unless your putting her in nursinghome respite
I can't tell my sister the whole truth because she's still having a hard time losing my dad as they were very close. She's never married, had kids etc so my parents and the rest of us have been her life. It would kill her.
Yes my mom looked forward to the empty nest. She's kind of a recluse as in if she had company great but if she didn't, even better. She would never let a caregiver come in. I tolerably understand needing a break myself! We cared for my father in law for three months after my mother in law passed away. He was paralyzed on his left side. He died in our home. It was the most mentally and physically exhausting time of my life. But also I have gotten so used to our routine that I feel guilty leaving. It will all work out I know. Just trying to get over the "illness" that really isn't the main issue. Maybe after the MRI and visit to U of M well get some answers.
This is killing her. I took her for a ride. It was SLOW going bringing her back to the house. Weak, shaky, blah blah. Then she had to take a trip hour nap. She said "This is nuts" "I can't even go for a ride." Then she said she was sorry for putting me thru this! Broke my heart. Anyway, Llamalover, my is handling her financial affairs because my mom couldn't, I stink at it and she's very good at it. Not controlling. Anything we need she does. Sometimes mom will want to give us money so I take it and give it back to my sis because she's making sure we're doing ok too. Again, thank you for your help!
VERY FRUSTRATING!