How can I help my sister to understand why our mother is most comfortable with me?

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Hello. My husband and now have my mother living with us. She is 84. I have 2 brothers that basically only stop in for an occasional visit. My older sister who is single, handles moms finances. She WANTS to be able to help more but my mom really doesn't want her around but to visit. They just seem to clash. Mom and I have always been close. Now we are even closer. She's used to me and we have a routine.
The problem is that my mother is now becoming rude to my sis. Snotty comments, mean looks etc. For years my mom would complain about my sister but wouldn't say anything directly to her for fear of hurting her feelings. Now she just blurts it out! Which I'm sure is normal. She's usually forgotten by the next day. But my sister hasn't. She loves my mother but is getting tired of her attitude. I'm stuck in the middle because I feel horrible for my sister but even after I've talked to my mom about it (at the time she is remorseful and embarrassed) but forgets quickly.
I'm at a loss. I seriously wish I could tell my sister to just come for an occasional visit with my mom. My mom seems to be able to handle that. But that would hurt her feelings. She wants to give me some relief and help with moms care. There is no way I could tell her the truth. My husband and I are going away for a weekend soon. I'm so worried about how my mom will treat my sister while we're gone!
Tonight was the last straw. I needed to take my mom to have an MRI. Late at night. My sister wanted to come with. Of course my mother wasn't thrilled. So anyway, we went. My mother was having trouble filling out the paperwork. I let her try so she didn't feel like a child. Just as I was about to offer my help, my sister took the clipboard from my mom and started filling it out. My mom didn't say a word. When we got her into a room I started helping her undress etc. my sister started to help too. It got a bit chaotic. But I didn't want to ask her to let me do it! My mom finally said "Linda can do it!"😳 I felt horrible. My sister got tears in her eyes and sat down. Anyway, we ended up not having the MRI because it was too painful for mom to lay on her back that long. By the time I got her redressed, got her oxygen back on, got her out to the car and back home, she was so upset she was starting to hyperventilate a little. She could hardly walk from the car to the house. (My sister was gone by this time.) I got mom in, got her comfortable, did our normal bedtime ritual etc. She finally calmed down and acted like herself again. Come to find out she was very stressed out because of my sister.
I'm at wits end. It gets old thinking about how worthless my brothers are. My mom pretty much would be happy if it was just myself, my hubby and her! Always. She doesn't care any more if her friends or my aunts want to visit! She's happy to be with us and her cats. All this and it's only been about a month and a half! And this is the easy part!🙀

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Also, this site doesn't allow you to edit errors such my last post was missing a period.
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Yes, I've experienced losing everything after I typed it
VERY FRUSTRATING!
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moecam. Thanks for the hug!😊 Sis retired from 911. She had to learn to block things out to the point that she is kind of cold about some things. She's not negative at all. That's me!lol Today we have a three hour trip to the other side of the state. Sis, mom and I. Time for a Xanax.🙀
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"This is killing her. I took her for a ride. It was SLOW going bringing her back to the house. Weak, shaky, blah blah. Then she had to take a trip hour nap. She said "This is nuts" "I can't even go for a ride." Then she said she was sorry for putting me thru this! Broke my heart." And she's killing you.
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Well, to begin with, my brothers have been no help and I'll leave it at that. Not even an offer. What I'm confused about is I'm not sure when I refused my sisters help! As a matter of fact, we just spent 3 days away. My sister stayed her with mom. My mom is the one uncomfortable when I'm gone. Today I spent three hours helping at her pre estate sale and it was very hard on my mom. This time my daughter stayed with her. She was very anxious and took a couple naps and asked my daughter often as to when I'd be home. I would LOVE to have my sister here on a regular basis but right now my moms well being, until she starts feeling better is much more important. I also want to add that after my mini vacation my sister told me that she had a whole different opinion on how exhausting it was. Just after 3 days!😳
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You do yourself a great disservice by rejecting your sister's help. You need to get over what issues you have with your sister and let her help. Being the only caretaker can lead to burnout - which I have experienced. Suicidal thoughts, shame, low self-esteem will be your reward for wanting to be the only one helping your mom. I don't really care about the issues with your sister, but it seems that you are trying to dominate her caregiving - not letting your sister help. Get over it and think what is best for both you and your mom - and not letting your sister help is not best for you.
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How about having the brothers help? Can't one of them stay with your mother?
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If it was my decision, I would just be honest with your sister...it isn't like you're stopping her from visiting all together. It is really not in your mother's best interest to have her so upset merely to protect your sister's feelings.
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It seems to me that your mom finds you easier to deal with - she may be leery of going to your sister's as a slough off & that she would have to stay there so maybe best for sis to stay at your place while you're gone also less upsetting for your mom - write out routine for sis to get the 'rhythm' of how your mom likes things - sounds like sis is too efficient for mom's liking & that can irk people [like someone I know]
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Omg. Somehow I just lost everything I had typed! I'm hoping I'm responding in the correct area!
I can't tell my sister the whole truth because she's still having a hard time losing my dad as they were very close. She's never married, had kids etc so my parents and the rest of us have been her life. It would kill her.
Yes my mom looked forward to the empty nest. She's kind of a recluse as in if she had company great but if she didn't, even better. She would never let a caregiver come in. I tolerably understand needing a break myself! We cared for my father in law for three months after my mother in law passed away. He was paralyzed on his left side. He died in our home. It was the most mentally and physically exhausting time of my life. But also I have gotten so used to our routine that I feel guilty leaving. It will all work out I know. Just trying to get over the "illness" that really isn't the main issue. Maybe after the MRI and visit to U of M well get some answers.
This is killing her. I took her for a ride. It was SLOW going bringing her back to the house. Weak, shaky, blah blah. Then she had to take a trip hour nap. She said "This is nuts" "I can't even go for a ride." Then she said she was sorry for putting me thru this! Broke my heart. Anyway, Llamalover, my is handling her financial affairs because my mom couldn't, I stink at it and she's very good at it. Not controlling. Anything we need she does. Sometimes mom will want to give us money so I take it and give it back to my sis because she's making sure we're doing ok too. Again, thank you for your help!
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