How to help an elderly parent stay out of a nursing home?

PUT HER AWAY!!? Why on earth do people use that phrase?

If your mother entered a nursing home, would you and your siblings stop visiting her, stop loving her, stop advocating for her?

If this is your mother's phrase, you need to correct it. If it's what you are thinking, you need to understand that what occurs in a good nursing home is a level of professional care that is simply not available at home. Ongoing monitoring of weight, bp, oxygen saturation, lung and bowel sounds. In house dental, audiology and optometry. Specialized diet. Consults with ot, pt and spech. And on, and on and on. When my mother is ill, she doesn't have to get dresssed and go out in the cold, wet Northeast winter to be seen by a doctor.

I understand how your mom could lose weight and get weaker under your care because it happened to me. I made healthy meals that mom just picked at. I was more annoyed than concerned because up until the she seemed the same competent woman she had always been. I was her daughter, not her caretaker, and I just didn't see what was happening right in front of me.

Your mom is 81 and I have noticed that many elders decline steadily after reaching that age, you need to understand the dynamics between you is changing irrevocably. She will become more dependent on you, are you up for that? Will you be willing to deal with dementia or other physical infirmities? Urinary incontinence? Fecal incontinence? Will you have her die in your shared home?

If you have seriously considered all of these points then your siblings may be more willing to concede to your plans. In the end it is not up to them, if your mom is competent to make her own decisions it is between you and her. But remember that your sibs have made it clear they are not interested in hands on caregiving, so don't expect them to bail you out if you are in over you head.

Eb, thanks for the update. If you and your Mom live in the same house, chances are you don't see the decline that others might see, those who don't visit on a regular basis. Sounds like the siblings are able to see the forest for the trees, and want the best for both you and your Mom.

Now, if your Mom is of clear mind and wants to return to her own home and she is able to do that, then she needs to take full responsibility for her decision. Hopefully she will decide yes when the time comes to hire outside help for her care, for the upkeep on the house, etc. Don't fall in the guilt/trap of a parent who refuses outside help.

Your profile says general age decline for your Mom. May I ask why is Mom in a rehab center? What does the rehab center recommend? If the rehab is in favor of your Mom going home after 21 days, then let her come home. If the rehab recommends a long-term-care facility then that would be in your Mom's best interest.

Assisted Living is another option which is great for elders, if the elder can afford to do that, as the elders are around people of their own generation, and there is a lot of help for them such as housekeeping, medicine being dispensed, all 3 meals prepared, medical alerts, etc. My Dad [94] is in the Independent Living side and has the options for extra care, he recently started with the facility doing his meds.

If the reheb recommends 24-hour care, who would you call to help you out? Being a 24-hour caregivers means you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each and every day, 168 hours a week with very little rest inbetween. You would burn out quickly, and just a note, 40% of caregivers pass on leaving behind their love one.

My siblings are demanding me to provide them with all the paperwork they need to put my mother into long term care.They don't care about my mother's opinion or mine. Shouldn't she be included in this conversation. It's HER life. Let her decide.

What paperwork do you have that they need?

Of course your mom should be part of the conversation, as should you. But if mom has the beginnings of dementia, and if she's not eating properly at home, not getting enoufh socialization, medical monitoring and the like, it may not be a matter of what mom wants. It's a natter of what mom needs. If her cognitive skills have declined, she may not be able to see the "big picture" any longer.

Ah, so your sister has POa, which would seem to imply no one has guardianship. So no one can force mom to live somewhere.

But here's the thing. If the rehab doesn't geel that she will be adequately care for at home (her care is beyond what can be provided in a home setting), they might advise your siblings to seek guardianship. If you contest this, the judge, if your mom is found incompetent, may award guardianship to a third party.

It is altogether the best thing to do in this sort of situation to try to come to terms with why your siblings believe mom would be better cared for in a NH.

If mom is competent, she can change her POA to you. I'm curious why you don't have it to begin with, if you're her caregiver.

Eb, it sounds like, as has been suggested, that you need to call an elder law attorney asap! Get POA for yourself with your mom and cancel your sisters POA. If she is truly of a sound mind, no one can force her into a facility. You have nothing to worry about if she refuses. On the other hand, if she has been diagnosed with any type of dementia, then your sibs could use the current POA.

Time is most important here. Get to the attorney immediately and with your moms help get things changed. Then, you can take her home and resume her care yourself. When the time comes you need help and want to place her in a home for care, you will be able to do it. The attorney can help you cover all the bases for now and in the future.

Good luck to you, hope this helps. Please keep us posted on the outcome as it helps others going through similar situations.

When they are children and they want ice cream for breakfast, the we do what is right for the child no matter what the child says. It becomes much more difficult when we get elderly but the decision process is still the same. Usually, at some point, the best care an elderly parent can get is at assisted living or nursing home. Even if they insist on going back home, sometimes you have to do what is best for them and the family. Consult with your family physician, pastor, and others who are not personally involved. But you are doing your mother a disservice if your sole reason for keeping her at home is because she wants to stay there.