How to help an elderly parent stay out of a nursing home?

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My three siblings want to put my mother in a nursing home. She does not want this and neither do I.


She is in a rehabilitation center at the present.


How can I help her be returned to the home that we both share.


I really need some good advice to help my poor mother.

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Absolutely get POA stat. Don't delay it one more day. Although I got POA well in advance while I was living with my late mother, my brother got a constable just in the nick of time giving him, an attorney, ability to take over her checking accounts with me as second "looker."
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My mother was able to stay at home until she died there. I cared for her for over 10 years - she had Alzheimer's Disease. There is no way I would have agreed to send her to a facility. She was never violent and everything else turned out to be things I could somehow deal with. Even if they were seemingly impossible at the time. She had a full year of hospice at home for her final year. She retained her beautiful smile, love and trust. She did not die alone and afraid.

We had advice and other help from our local Area Agency on Aging. I kept on everyones' cases to get my questions answered and as much help as I could get. It was a more than full time job and it was unpaid. But I am glad I was with her all the way.
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I realize this thread is a year old but feel I must interject some information. First of all, work on getting the POA immediately. You do not know when it will become a situation where she is unable to do this with a clear head. Believe me, things happen and change when you aren't expecting it. If you cannot afford a lawyer, go to legal aide to have that done.

Second, many people assume that the nursing home is always the best option or the only option. This isn't true. In some cases, it can cause decline because that person realizes they are now in a nursing home. They equate it with "the end of the line" and start worrying about their impending death which causes anxiety and depression which can also affect physical health. I'm not saying that nursing homes are bad or that they don't provide good care. Under certain circumstances, they are completely necessary but if a person doesn't want to go there and is mentally competent, and is able to get help with day to day living, they don't automatically need to go.

And there is something that it seems many people are totally unaware of. I live in the state of PA. We have something called "The Waiver Program" and I have done some searches on this for some other states and some states provide similar programs although they may be under some different name or heading. This program is provided through State Lottery funds and Medicaid. They give you a free medical alert system and monthly service. They provide at-home aides to help take care of elderly people who need help to stay out of the nursing home until it is absolutely necessary. Right now an aide comes to our house 9-5 M-F to help take care of my mom who is in later stage of Alzheimer's. They hook you up with Meals on Wheels. They also provide handicapped access equipment in one's home if needed. All of this is free. Here is a link to my state's program: http://www.dhs.pa.gov/learnaboutdhs/waiverinformation/index.htm


Check with your county's Agency on Aging or Department of Aging and find out if they have a similar program that they could set you up with. State Aging services also provide help in a variety of ways. Take advantage of that. Get hooked up with a representative of you county Aging Office right away.
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As Babalou said, have your mom sign a new POA that cancels the previous one. It can be done in the rehab place she is in now. Speak to the social worker there. They may even have the POA forms on hand. I recommend though that you get one made up by an attorney if you can. That will be much more thorough than the standard forms.
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I don't suggest that you take her home. What is going to happen (and happens to us all) is that we get older. Are you going to provide 24/7 care for her? Are you sure you're up to it?
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Then when she is released, simply go get her and bring her home. Who has POA and MPOA? If your mother is competent, then she can say where she wants to live. You stated, "your mother". Are you siblings blood related? I will assume you meant to say, "our mother". If you are willing to care for her let your siblings know that and you are willing to live with her. Are any of them?
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Lots of good advice above. Much depends on your mother's physical and mental condition and what needs she has. If paid caregiver assistance and the right assistive products make it feasible for her to safely return "home" then that would be very tempting as most people want to remain independent or living with a loved one. Most people do not have the interest or finances to go to a nursing home. There isn't enough information presented to directly answer your question but if you want suggestions on assistive products I would be glad to assist. Good luck.
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eb2016 is in such a sad situation that I foresaw in our future. That she can not see or speak to her mom I feel is criminal. I will never deny any of my sisters access to mom in any way. They just choose to be uninvolved so far. I hope eb2016 that you all resolve issues and hope you do update us. Praying for you.
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Would be very interested to hear an update on this. I agree with those who say the POA should be held by the person handling the actual caregiving. My boyfriend did major caregiving for his mom for years before she died, but all financial/legal issues resided with his brother, who was much more detached and coldhearted. Why she made that legal choice I will never know! Sometimes it is hard to account for people's decision making! Re: nursing homes. I take the middle ground. I believe whenever possible it is better for the elder to be at home, with outside assistance if needed. Sorry, but even the most "luxurious" nursing homes are like putting lipstick on a pig. Ask anyone who has worked in one. Having said that, I acknowledge that sometimes there is no other alternative. Hope eb2016 checks in with an update.
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Wish you had POA eb2016. As the person living with elder I just don't understand why you do not. I live with mom for last 5 years. Mom is 91 now & health is decent. Mobility not so much. She is without pain and in hospital bed in living room with commode as she can no longer use stairs. I am with her 24/7 in spite of having 4 sisters who are just too busy with their narcissism. I was burning out & requests for help went unanswered. I was told to put her in a home.......or stop complaining. So I no longer ask for any help. I gave up on them. Mom does sadly ask where is everybody? No phone calls or visits. Haven't heard from a couple of them in over 2 months. They are all in driving distance. They have called me names and undermined me to others. So I am no longer going to be bullied. I now own mother's home because she begged me to take it. Lots of home repairs desperately needed & I am financially handling. My sisters would have her in a home & would never visit. I would be sitting in a nursing home with her. We are doing OK right here. Now my sisters have no say in anything. I will keep doing the best for mom. Presently that means no nursing home. Nursing homes are not the best thing for everyone. I get assistance from state agency for the aging. This allows me to pay someone (usually my niece or nurse friend) for 4-5 hours a week so I can get out. It is a blessing. Mom needs me to outlive her. I plan to. At 91, I think she could make 100. Hope so. Life got easier when I took charge and looked at what I needed to do to prevent further arguments and being bullied. I so wish you had POA. I wonder if you can get POA reassigned to you. After all you live with her and best know her needs. Glad you own home as well. My sisters would have not cared if I were on the street. One sister visits every 2-3 months and doesn't even touch mom. Visit is only because she knows she should to save face. Ugh. No one calls and asks how either of us are doing ever. Stopped trying to understand them. Mom & I will be ok now with no stress and worry. Pray that you find a way to give your mom what is in her best interest. The elders deserve that. It should not only be what others feel is more convenient for them. I am grateful to God that I am able to be doing this for mom. It is not always easy but it is all for her and I hope we all get our needs met when our day for it appears!
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