How to help Mom deal with burden of abusive Dad’s hospitalization, resisting PT, refusal to take on any accountability of his own care?

Your dad is in the hospital?

The person that you and mom need to talk to is the hospital social worker. Find out who has been assigned to dad (this may be part of "discharge planning". Tell them that dad can no longer be safely cared for at home,

In addition, ask for a geriatric psych evaluation while he is "in house".

Thanks for responding, barb. Yes, he currently is in the hospital and they are looking to move him to an inpatient PT center perhaps on Monday — pending blood work to rule out cancer in his bones. I’ve spoken to his social worker once before and although she is very very nice, she doesn’t seem to understand the level of abuse my mother and kids have faced and it is a near impossible task to personally take on his care. She was more focused on us talking about our ability to retrofit the house to accommodate medical equipment. And I certainly want my father to receive all the care he needs, but it cannot be at home for a variety of reasons and I don’t know the words to say to get that across.

Your mom needs an advocate. Can your mom afford to hire a social worker to speak on her behalf? The hospital social worker's only focus is to get a safe discharge plan in place for your dad. Your dad is her client. Your mom needs someone to help her make sure that she isn't the "safe discharge" plan. Check out aginglife.com. They work by the hour. Maybe you wouldn't need more than a few hours to have someone give her the guidance she needs.

The words you need are "He can't come home. He can't possibly come home. He can't receive the care he needs at home." Repeat frequently.

I can’t figure out how to do a direct reply to an earlier post, but yes — my sister is an atty and has been talking to other legal counsel about the situation and the various avenues it can go down. Does anyone have words of wisdom on what I can say/do for my mom to help her or alleviate the stress and sadness as much as I can? Despite being an often cruel man, my mother of course feels like she needs to do everything and I cannot allow her to be strong armed into a situation where if it was reversed, my dad would 100% walk away and never exert any effort to assist her.

thank you again for taking the time to respond. I am so happy to have found this lovely community of folks who if nothing else, are willing to lend an ear and their perspectives. I was just taking with Mom and my sister and I have suggested that the legal advice is to get a divorce so her assets aren’t eaten through, then we move dad into his own new condo close by where we all can visit as much as he needs, but we also get in home care to handle the things like bathing and toileting. This is assuming 1) dad gets better enough to be discharged from hospital and into a rehab home; and 2) is willing to divorce. I know I’ll need to rationally explain that it is only being done to prevent a catastrophic money situation, and make sure he has the comfortable life he wants outside of the existing home that can’t be comfy and certainly isn’t convenient due to all the stairs and tight turns, no ac, no garage parking etc. The dr is now quite concerned that the diagnosis is myeloma, advances because dad was told to get it checked out 8 months ago and he told no one and did nothing. :_(

It truly concerns me that you intend to move Dad into a comfy condo close-by and for all intents and purposes, devote your lives to care taking of this toxic person. He expects this from you, so even though (as you say) he’s never been much of a father, you will be treating him as though he were a yearly winner of the Father of The Year award. And in return, he will continue to be angry and abusive toward you all.

If it were me, I would do this for Mom and not for him. Protect and support Mom and help her get out of this situation. She no longer needs to stay with him “for the sake of the kids”. Do as the others have suggested and explain in graphic detail to the social worker exactly what kind of person your father is. Make certain she understands. He needs an evaluation and to be placed in a facility who can provide the care he needs.

Tell them he is not safe to come home, period!

We live in a day an age that your dad doesn't need to agree to a divorce, by the way psychological abuse is grounds for divorce.

He deserves care, but that doesn't mean any of you have to provide it. Stop going to the hospital after you tell them none of you can take care or help. They will push, guilt and bully you all trying to make you take him. Nope, not gonna happen. Disconnect from everything and let him and them figure it out.

Get mom to file while he is in the hospital and get her moved. He can't keep abusing you all if he can't reach you.

These are the consequences of treating your family like garbage, trash has been hauled away.

Do not lay down for him anymore.

gah the responses are right. It didn’t even occur to me that the posturing of getting him his own home is essentially rewarding bad behavior. And this is the damage of being in the circle of an extreme alcoholic. He brought this upon himself through all the drinking and lack of exercise and no ability to want to do anything like visit his children. But I get so sad and think it is my actions or family action/inaction that could have made him so sad he needed to punish himself and not seek care when a dr told him 8 months ago there was concern for cancer. And this is what my mother is trapped in — the situation is Stockholm syndrome like. Now he is detoxed from being in hospital and he seems just so down and blue. Although possible this is his normal personality; I don’t remember that bc it has been saturated with booze for as long as I remember. He is set to have a bone marrow test to check for myeloma tomorrow bc that is what the drs are thinking is the problem.

The social worker is pressuring your mother to take him home and solve her problems. The longer your mother talks to her, the easier it is to interpret something that she says as an agreement. Your mother needs to say ‘no he cannot come home’, then stand up and walk out of the meeting. If you are there, you do it too and get your mother to come with you. If you can, take your mother away on a holiday (or put her on a guided tour), so that she has something different to think about and to replace all her constant thoughts about your father. Tell your father that now he is sober, he is in charge of working out how to organise his life – but not by going back home! See if you can give each of these strategies a try.

Feelingdown, any updates?

Is everyone supporting the big NO, HE CAN NOT SAFELY COME HOME!

How are you all doing?

Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies, and apologies on my silence. A lot has happened and I’m trying to...digest it all. On Monday dad had a bone marrow biopsy and the oncologist says it is Myeloma, however she can’t meet with us about staging and prognosis and treatment until TUESDAY bc of the holiday and then she doesn’t work weekends. Dad was supposed to be transferred to PT rehab home on Monday but didn’t end up going until last right. The hospital nurses have told me he is relatively amenable to PT, but he can’t walk at all unattended, and no more than 3 feet while attended. He is coherent, no stroke, but his small motor and speaking is...off. I have only seen him once throughout this ordeal, I am so angry at the burden he is shoving on us. He apparently was told 8 mos ago that he had concerning levels in the blood and needed to go to an oncologist for review, but he didn’t and didn’t tell anyone. Of course. And he doesn’t at all grasp how much of a burden he has created! Never an apology, never a thank you, more like pissy that we wouldn’t be at the rehab center immediately following his transfer. My mom still cries ALL THE TIME and when I try to reason with her about dad coming back home and her taking care of him and how that is A VERY BAD IDEA and explain why, she gets mad at me and basically yells that it isn’t my decision and she promised ‘in sickness and in health’ blah blah blah. You have to understand, the Stockholm syndrome involved with a lifetime of living with an extreme addict. I know healthy distance and am trying to maintain that, but my mom is going to be sucked down in the wake with my father bc she won’t be reasoned with. He can’t start chemo until he is healthier, but I have no clue how my mom could even fathom emotionally and physically taking care of an immobile, very large man, on top of chemo. I’m so out of sorts, I can’t sleep or eat, so SO angry, and so extremely worried.

Feeling down; once he gets to rehab, you need to talk to the SW there about what is going on with your mom. You may need to take her to see a psychiatrist to get her on meds for her depression and anxiety.

Please try to relax and "let go" of this unfairly placed burden. Your dad is being cared for.

I think you should stay away from this until you have your anger under better control.

I don't mean "bad person, stop being so angry." I mean, first of all put on your own oxygen mask by getting help with how you are feeling. If you go to any of the major cancer or blood disorder charities, you will find helplines for families and caregivers. Call one of them.

Leave your father's discharge to the social workers. What matters in this situation is what your parents want, and the social workers will guide them.