WE made sure one of us is spending Sunday with her. Plus we often take her for shopping and also to all family event. We organized 3 days at the local day center for elderly people for her to go, and she loves it! She gets 3 hours of help (cleaning or cooking or shopping) twice a week, and gets someone to give her a bath once a week. She gets lunch delivered to her every day. We schedule and go with her to her doctor's visits. We call her often.
She appreciates it all and is so open to know more people. But the thing is that her needs keep on multiplying. She's getting forgetful and sometimes confused. We (her 10 children) all live at 90 minutes away or more. We tried 3-4 winters to have her with one of us, but she is too sad being alone in any of our houses while we are at work
She maintains that she is fine living by herself in her house. We are no longer so sure of that. Until now, it has worked because we are doing a lot to make her able to live by herself. We are getting to feel that she's expecting too much from us. He desire to live at her house is costing us a lot of time, energy and worries.
And, this is hard to say, she is less and less nice. She yells at the cashier, throws something at the floor when she is not happy, she says hurtful things when she disagrees about something. She has always been very blunt, but so charming too. I don't know where this charm went. It's like she's having tantrums. She is getting more difficult to be with. It is as if she could not care less of acting out. Is this a beginning of dementia? It is as if she is allowing herself to be "naughty", unpleasant. She's not always like that, but too often to dismiss.
I miss her. And it makes me sad to see people finding her so unpleasant.
Then there's assisted living. It's always best to plan for this if possible than to have to find accommodations in the middle of a crisis. Tour some places now, get some estimates of how much it's going to cost. This doesn't mean you have to move your mom out of her house right this second but you'll have the information and won't be starting from scratch if/when the time comes.
Now's the time to figure all of this out. If mom should have a medical emergency or fall and break something trying to make major decisions in the wake of an emergency is not ideal and is very, very stressful. And get her input as well. What would she prefer? She'll prefer to stay in her house I'm sure. Who wouldn't? But unless you're able to provide around the clock care in her home at some point you have to have options.
One possibility would be to add a lot of caregivers in her own home. Another would be to move her to assisted living or memory care. Where would she go? She should be near someone who is willing to take on lots of visiting and managing of her care.
I'm sorry she isn't being nice and charming any more. Is it possible she is in pain? Antidepressants can sometimes make a big improvement in behavior, as well. For me, I prefer to blame the disease for "naughty" behavior. She wouldn't act badly if she were still in her right mind.
God bless you in this struggle.
If you take your mom in, and her symptoms get worse, or she declines rapidly, be prepared to take a leave of absence from your jobs, or you'll end up having to quit altogether.
If you think your mom living in her OWN house is causing you stress and worry, if you think the time you spend now is excessive, you are absolutely clueless as to what kind of time and energy you'll be dishing out if she's in YOUR house and declines rapidly. 24/7, baby. That's what it can come to. Read on. This site is full of full time care takers. Your mom might not need that...at first...but what if she does? Then what? If you think that you can bring your mother into your home, go to work and live life like you always have, especially if she really starts to get worse, you're going to be in for one hell of a rude awakening.
Keep her in her own home as long as she's happy, not falling daily, and not so confused that she can't function...get more help for her, as long as she's healthy enough to live alone. That's what I would do... The alternative, her living with you, isn't going to be any easier, or less time consuming. Probably more so... I wish you guys the best...
I also agree with Eyerishlass: it is far better to be prepared ahead of time with some viable options than to have to figure things out in a crisis.
I understand that her desire to live at her house is costing you a lot of time, energy and worries. But that may be because she is 94 and declining, not specifically because she is living in her house. Even if she were in a care facility, she would be costing you more time and energy and worries than she did 10 years ago. This is just a fact of the situation. Accept it, and be realistic about what options are open to you and how they impact your energy and worry level.
We were able to buy my mom about 5 extra years of living in her apartment alone, by arranging the kind of care you mention. At 93 she could no longer live alone. Her sister, age 98, is still living alone. It isn't age that matters, it is ability to function, it is cognitive abilities, it is medical issues like pain management or falling frequently that ultimately determine the needs.
You sound like a very caring family. I wish you every success in figuring out a plan that will be good for your mother as well as for the ten of you.