Nothing big; small things like used paperback books. Maybe a couple dollars from her purse? Nothing she can prove. Plus, Mom's memory is notoriously bad, and it's entirely possible she just can't remember what the did with these things. She says she can no longer trust CG and wants to let her go. We have been here before, and each time Mom called me just before D-day and said "never mind, everything's okay, caregiver is wonderful." We are not there yet.
My concerns are that the care is paid for with VA funds (Aid & Attendance) and is with an agency. So, 1) if we let her go and can't replace her, the A&A funds will go away; 2) I think we need to be careful with confronting CG, as there is no proof and I don't think we can just accuse and let her go. Does anyone know the rules on this? I'm thinking the agency would expect us to tell them the CG is not a good fit and we need them to send someone else. But, the agency didn't find her in the first place, as Mom lives in a remote area and the agency/we would have had to pay 2 hours of travel time each day. So we recruited someone local, and Mom is her only client. When Mom is not suspecting her of stealing or lying, she is singing her praises.
Sorry for the long-winded post. All I need to know at this point is, when you suspect a household employee of stealing, how must you conduct yourself to avoid overstepping any legal constraints? Thank you, experts.
1) Despite seeming to be "sharp" in many ways, this is how my mother's early dementia started.
2) Cameras can be useful in many ways, not just to spy on caregivers.
3) Ensure any things of real value are not accessible.
The first "sign" I had for my mother's dementia was repetition - statements, questions, etc. I knew nothing about dementia at that time, so I started online searching, and still learn new things to this day!
In retrospect, the accusations of theft, especially for inexpensive, mundane items is common. When these first "appeared", I dismissed it. It wasn't until later, having learned more, that these accusations made sense. She still lived alone, so the "reports" of theft were not very often repeated - it would have to pop into her head. The first was saying a person painting her BR walls was taking broken jewelry she had set aside to "cash in." I suspect most of these were not of any value, she likely either misplaced them or attempted to cash them in already, but was accusing him. The second instance was so baffling! My OB had been staying there for a week long visit with his wife, my niece and her BF. Mom accused OB of taking her TWEEZERS!!! I only said these are available anywhere, for $2 or less, why would he take them?
So, fast forward to after moving her to MC several years later and cleaning out her stuff. I had bought her another, just to shut her up. I found THREE in the bathroom drawer, and about 5-6 MORE in a plastic container in the dresser drawer!
Since all that's missing is old used paperbacks and possible a dollar here and there, I highly doubt your caregiver is stealing. They could be misplaced, never existed, given or loaned to the CG, thrown out, or just hidden somewhere.
As for getting more care, I don't know all the Medicaid rules, esp not for your state, however there ARE programs in Medicaid that can provide some in home care, likely more hours than the VA can provide. The following was found online:
"And, despite the prevalence of misinformation, a Veteran can receive both the Aid & Attendance benefit and Medicaid, so long as there are out of pocket expenditures toward care costs which are in excess of the Veteran's income."
(at least some of this applies to a spouse of a veteran as well.)
"Does VA aid and attendance affect Medicaid?
VA Aid and Attendance Benefits do not count as income for Medicaid purposes, so he/she may meet income eligibility criteria for Medicaid. Once approved for Medicaid, though, the VA benefit is reduced to $90/month for most recipients."
Aid and Attendance is a monthly payment to the veteran and/or spouse, not money towards the CG (it can be used for hiring the CG.) Since she's already approved for this benefit (CG), she'd likely qualify for the A&A, but note once Medicaid is approved, the benefit is reduced. Getting VA benefits first is important.
Please check out this site for information:
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/home-care
Scroll down to see high level what your state might cover. I wouldn't contact anyone from this site, contact your own state's Medicaid office to get the scoop.
You might be able to get more hours/week through this program.
More info here:
https://www.disabilityrightsca.org/publications/medi-cal-programs-to-help-you-stay-in-your-own-home-or-leave-a-nursing-home
If they pay CGs direct, you may have to find new ones, but if they pay direct to the person, it can be used to hire whoever. More than likely you will get more hours than with VA - not full time, but should be more. It also would let her remain in her home longer. It *might* also expedite transition to a facility, if the need arises, since she'd already be in the system.
Try out a different caregiver sometime for a day. Maybe you can find someone who will be a better fit.
Used paperback books? A couple of singles or small change here and there? She isn't taking anything. Your mother most likely told her she could borrow one of the used books. Or gave the caregiver a few dollars to go to the store for her or something. The caregiver can't also be expected to pay for things the client needs or wants. Believe me when I say many times the caregiver is expected to because we're supposed to love our low-wage, laborious job and your elderly "loved ones" just so much.
I've been in elderly homecare for almost 25 years. Many of those years as agency help until I wised up and went private cases only. I can't tell you how many times I've been accused of stealing by some senior with dementia, or by some senior who just wants something to complain and fight about.
I remember at the AL I worked in one senior lady on my service. She always had these butterscotch candies with her because she loved them. Now, she'd pass these candies out to anyone who came near her. She wouldn't let me walk past without pushing a butterscotch candy on me.
Then the accusations that everyone is stealing her candy would start. I'm stole her candy. The other residents stole her candy. The landscaping guys outside mowing the lawn stole her candy. The president stole her candy. Evidently, George W. Bush (the then president) went in her room at the AL and stole her candy.
I'm going to give you some good advice here. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face here by calling the caregiver out on the stealing when you have no proof. Don't have her fired when there's no one to replace her. Your mom forgets where she puts things then the nearest person to her stole it. Then she finds what she's looking for and the caregiver is great.
Always make sure anything valuable is locked up. Don't let your mother have large amounts of cash around, or checkbooks, or credit and debit cards. If the caregiver also has to do you mom's shopping, you give her a certain amount of cash and insist on receipts every week. Or get a debit or credit card with a limit on it for household shopping or if your mom wants something. Have the caregiver use this for the shopping then produce receipts every week. This can also be used if she takes your mom out to eat somewhere too. Once again, show a receipt.
This will educate her on what she is seeing, what to expect and how to deal with it. Beneficial for all of you.
This would help her understand that paranoia is absolutely normal and not personal in the event that your mom says something to her.
You are doing a tremendous job dealing with your mom. She is able to freely share with you and that is something that you want to last as long as possible. Keep hearing her and giving her a safe place to share. Please don't try to correct her perception, as long as she is coming around it isn't really a problem. You know that it is the disease and you obviously known your mom and how to reach her, well done! My point is, don't stress about this glitch in mom's reality, cross bridges as you come to them and you will feel so much better.
If you think it might be possible someone is stealing from her, set up a camera, set out bait. But don’t be surprised if it is just her mind playing tricks on you.
Good Luck!
There are ways to talk about a person without accusing.
IMPORTANT: You cannot accuse 'anyway' (well you could although you don't want to) without proof and you do not want to set up this negative, 'accusatory' discussion / implication of behavior anyway. You can state it from your 'mom's point of view' and we / you do not know if your mom is clear headed or confused.
* People with dementia believe people, even family, are stealing. Check into Teepa Snow's webinars or call her / office and ask about this behavior with people with dementia and they could guide you to specific webinars to watch (and/or provide you input - they are very helpful.)
* I don't know / see if your mom lives alone - I presume so.
* Set up a camera (don't tell your mother - if possible).
* You WANT your mom to feel safe.
* If it is dementia to a degree that she may feel this way with 'anyone,' you will have to figure out how to talk to your mom to feel secure with the caregiver (if possible) - It is also the responsibility of the caregiver agency to talk to your mother, and comfort her. Talk the their manager.
* I'd put out a two $5 bills somewhere as a test and see what happens - to one or both. Again, you may need a camera planted somewhere. This camera is ALSO security for you to watch your mom move around - not 'just' to see what the caregiver is doing although that is critically important, too. However, if you are not there and you relay on your 'mom's' recollection, this may not work, either.
* As a last resort, you may need to move your mom to a less isolated area.
- Yes, caregivers steal. (My friend lost a bullet - blender, brand new in the box. When I looked in the box, it was gone.. By then, so was the caregiver by a few weeks. I am suspecting 'her' out of a few others. We often do not know.
THE KEY IS INTERVIEWING as best as you can before you hire.
Ask questions with specific scenarios and see how they answer.
Gena / Touch Matters
Please do not get someone fired over a groundless accusations unless there is proof. That is very malicious. If that is the case do not use paid caregivers.
i do suggest that all her precious items are kept in a secure place, i.e. if she likes to wear her fine jewelry, keep it in a bank vault and purchase inexpensive lookalike costume pieces instead.
PS - It's very common that persons with dementia accuse others of stealing from them when they've misplaced items.
Always lock valuable things up. If someone is so far gone with dementia that they'll take off an expensive piece of jewelry and give it away or misplace it somewhere, they shouldn't have access to these expensive things without supervision.
"Miss D. I am so worried about my mother and hope you can help. She seems more forgetful. She seems to be misplacing things, like some books and money (or other items she says are missing). Have you noticed a worsening change in her? I have to think about taking her to the doctor to be evaluated. I hope you can reassure me".
This will make her feel like you value her while in effect giving notice that you are aware of things missing without accusing her.
In home health if a patient accused one of us of stealing it could be a faulty memory of an item misplaced or sadly it could be theft. We would then say we would call the police to take a report. If they just didn't like us and nothing was taken, they would back pedal quickly. Sadly, I discovered that a colleague was stealing my patient's (her aunt!!) narcotics. Ironically, the patient didn't need them.
As I left to go visit one of my daily patients, a colleague warned me that she was accusing me of having stolen her rosary beads. She was such a crabby woman her daughter would only take her meals upstairs to her apartment. I got there and said, "I understand you 'lost' your rosary beads'. The look on her face was priceless. I offered to look for them. "maybe they fell into the cushions". After a few minutes of this, I turned to her and said, "Well, at least you know I didn't steal them. I'm Protestant and don't even know what you do with them". If she had accused me in person, I would have called the police in front of her to come take a report. No, she was not demented at all.
I hope this suggestion helps and preserves the relationship.
Your MIL lives in a remote area and you might not find a replacement.
My 97 yr old Dad with Dementia will start accusing Caregivers of stealing money, but only when he has a UTI.
In his case, he has no money at the house so I just tell him I put it in the Bank.
You could install a few cameras in the home where you would be able to chk on mil any time 24 7 from your computer or cell phone.
Iuse Nest which wasn't hard to install.
You can explain everything to MIL that you haven't found a replacement yet and just keep saying that.
The best answer: don't leave anything around that is valuable that she can take.
Share with caregiver that Mom accuses others of taking her things, when she can't find them. Do this casually, so that she's alerted, but not accused.
More than likely, it's Mom's memory and not a stealing issue.
Because of where you live, it's fortunate that you have someone.
Hopefully, this will continue. If not it's a good idea to be pepared and look at other options.
Last, would it be possible to give the caregiver extra money maybe twice a month to take her and Mom out for lunch or dinner? It would show appreciation for her commitment.
The caregiver began to steal small things like a coffee mug, petty cash in small amounts. I would see that she was washing her filthy dog blankets in my machine as she never did learn to clean out the lint trap. I had front door locks put on all bedroom doors. She found the hidden key and stole about $800. I told my sister and she didn’t believe me. She actually accused other family members. I doubted myself and my own eyes then. So I didn’t move other money I had to a safer location. I was so dependent on this woman also. She ended up stealing another $400 the next day. My sister was still supportive of keeping her, and I felt so vulnerable then. Recently, more than a year later, my housemate discovered that this caregiver also stole items of jewelry from her ... she just had not been aware of this because never wore them in all this time and it never occurred to her that the CG had also found a way into her room, as well. (the same key fit both locks). I share all of this to say that it is a terrible thing not to be believed and your concerns ignored because of dependence on another’s care. I very nearly took my life in the end, between having no life, being utterly exhausted, and having no family that stood up for my needs, in addition to my mother’s. Best to put in cameras and to do small tests, in my opinion...especially if your mother has never exhibited this “paranoia” before.
Really? If you were indeed living with your mother and caring for her as much as you say AND you had a roommate there as well, I find it hard to believe that the caregiver wouldn't have been dismissed by you long ago if she wasn't working out. I've worked for families who have replaced me and my crew on a case. Not because the care was poor, but because they found cheaper. When a family gets rid of a caregiver or caregivers, they don't tell them. They find the replacement and then fire them. Honestly, with all respect to you, your story is a little hard to buy.
Some posts here are suggesting to “test” the integrity of the caregiver and I would strongly dissuade you from it, by asking you…. Could it be possible that the items have been misplaced, or given away? Please do not jump into conclusions, which could impact many and cause someone to lose their job.
suspicions and accusations are easily placed and it grows and it fasters, please be careful into buying into it. Talk to the caregiver, not making accusations but talk to her, you might be surprised in what you find.
Best wishes
When it's at the point where the dementia client is threatening the caregivers with the police and other action, this when it's time to call it a day with in-home care. When this behavior starts up, it's time for a memory care facility.
1 - Confront the caregiver in a firm but kindly manner. Let the person know what you witnessed and that theft is a serious problem. Decide for yourself if you want to give this person another chance.
2 - Let the agency know that you suspect this person of theft and want them replaced. Share any evidence with the agency.
3 - If there are several instances of problems with one agency, report the agency and go with another one.
As an in-home caregiver myself, my policy was always to drop a client from my service when the care situation started getting ridiculous. I'd tell the agency supervisor that I was quitting that client and to find me another position. This is also my policy in private care.
Once the stealing accusations or other nonsense of that order start up, I go. I will not have a mark on my spotless employment record and not be able to get a job because some elder with dementia is good enough at showtiming that they can to put one over on an agency supervisor or a family member.
This is something I've always made clear early on to any family that I've worked for. If they dismiss me or I have to go, I will not return for any reason. I've had so many families over the years who ended up finding grandma's ring or remembering that she gave it to her grand daughter. Or who look at a bank statement and realize dad is incompetent and can't handle money anymore. Then they want me back because the help they replaced me with isn't doing as well. They will make very attractive offers too. Then some even try guilting and claiming how much their loved one misses me. Too bad. I will not return.
Good help is hard to find. People should remember this before the get theirs in trouble on a suspicion because some elderly person with dementia misplaced something.
Again, thank you all so much. This is a great community.
I'm not saying CGs don't ever steal (oh they do!).
A good CG experienced with dementia would know about this behaviour, but not everyone has that life or job experience & may take real offence & quit.
From what you write, it seems a worthwhile plan to keep Mom in her lovley surrounds as long as possible.
Sometimes I think folk picture the *not possible* bit as just end stage. Or the big things like fire risk & constant falls. I used to.
Now I hear more & more that *not possible* is strongly influenced by behaviour. That Fear makes miles of difference between a placid person content with their CG at home - or a person becoming fearful, wandering out the door in search of their 'home' or not trusting the CG to let them in.
I suppose the dilemma is weighing things up. Keep reviewing as you doing right now. What if the CG leaves? Can you get another (in this remote area)? Is it worth keeping this CG at all costs (even if the books etc ARE being stolen) to keep Mom at home longer?
Often there are no right & wrong answers. Trust your gut is all I can offer.
I would discuss this with the caregiver so she knows what is happening and stress to Him/Her that they are not a suspect, it's the dementia talking. You need to develop a strategy to distract your Mom when she gets on this path. Hopefully she will forget what she has lost or misplaced.
Sometimes it is different language to find the right type of services.
But, 45.00 monthly isn't bad for what they are doing. With WC you are looking at 120.00 monthly, how does that break down in savings and additional care hours?
Hopefully, it gives you lots of extra hours by getting rid of the agencies cut.
Good luck!