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Well I just wrote a novel about my abusive narcissistic mother, the extremes she goes to, all her threats to report me for elder abuse. She told me she would report me for elder abuse if I made any attempt to get her to leave, she said she is not leaving under any circumstances and if I try she will report me for elder abuse and has already looked into it. How I pay for her car and all the maintenance, how I pay her credit card which is in the thousands, how she lives under my roof for free and how proud she is to be vindictive and vengeful. She is completely irrational so no sitting down and talking to her. He favorite saying: "I like my pound of flesh" I also said how she burned my father's (who was adopted) his natural birth certificate and all his childhood photos and then I hit "send" and this sites server crashed. I am too tired and too stressed out to try and type it all over. Bottom line I want her out. Because of her threats I am afraid. I have a nice home and good career and don't want to jeopardize it. She tells me I can't have friends over or get a boyfriend. She literally told me that if she left I would start crying and beg her to come back. She's 72 and believes all the men want her. She is also fond of saying; "I am God's Gift to everyone" she has always been abusive but now its at another level. Here in TN they live for their; "mama's and daddies" she would have a lot of support. I put nothing past her, she would do anything to get back at me or hurt me...…. anything. Help.

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Have you ever been in therapy?

Your mama is mentally ill. She needs treatment. And you need to start eviction proceedings.

Start out by talking to YOUR primary care physician; if he's a "good ole boy" who tells you that you need to put up with this BS abuse, move on to seeing a psychiatrist.

The short answer is that you have no legal obligation to this gorgon. Move her out and move on.
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abusedbymom Jun 2019
I have never thought of talking to my Doctor. I have been in therapy for years. My mother begged me to let her move in with me and I thought; "well maybe she has changed after all these years and we can finally have a loving relationship" but I have accepted that will never be. She has told me many times she never loved me nor ever even liked me. I think talking to my Doctor is excellent, she is female and not from the South, so maybe she can be an excellent source. I have gotten so good over the years in putting on a smile and happy demeanor, that it's hard for me to open up about the level of abuse. In public, my mother is very charming and acts very quiet almost sheepish which is a complete act! She also tells people she was an orphan. She wasn't. She turns on the tears in a second to people she meets and immediately tries to gain their sympathy. Its an act. Meanwhile I have a harder exterior from years of trying to protect myself so it can look like she's quite the victim from the outside. She says absolutely really cruel and heartless things. I have been looking into Attorneys today, I just know (being it's the South) it may be difficult for me to have any real support. I am just scared what she will do to my home and my dog during this process. My dog has cancer, so I am his caregiver as well. Thank you so much for the advice and support.
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You can report her for abuse. Its Adult Protective Services not Senior PS.

And when u move her out, no more paying her bills. She does not have to have a car if she can't afford it. Her credit debt is hers. She will just have to default.

I know this is not what you really would want to do ... sell your house and tell her the one ur buying there is no room for her.

I agree, ur Mom is mentally ill. If she ever hits you, call the police and tell them she cannot come back because ur tired of her abuse. I think her never paying rent maybe good. She isn't a tenant.

Come back and tell us what happens.
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JoAnn, some states have very odd tenancy laws. So not paying rent doesn't actually mean that she isn't a tenant. My state, 72 hours in someone's house gives you tenancy rights. Stupid laws, but well worth checking out what the law is for your city. Just an FYI.
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I’ve lived in the south my whole life. As have my parents and grandparents. The “all about mama and daddy” is not how it is, nor is it limited to here. You see the attitude people have gotten with “but it’s your mother!” critics from all over the world here.

Evict this troll woman! She will not change. She doesn’t love you; likely never did. Stop hoping or trying to get her love. She has no love to give. And it’s not about you. Jesus himself could show up at your house and she wouldn’t love him.

Let her default on all her debts. She did this to herself. Notice that NO ONE ELSE is willing to help her? She has run off everyone else but you, and she acts like this because she is certain you’ll do her bidding. She expects people to do for her and knows the sweet old lady act is how to do it. Always be one step ahead.

Call 911 when she acts or talks crazy and get her Baker Acted. Tell them under no circumstances can she return to live with you. If you’re worried she will hurt your dog.... THEN SHE NEEDS TO GO. NOW.

After that, read “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” by Karyl McBride. All about healing from crazy mothers like her.
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If possible record her telling you that she will have you charged with elder abuse and anything else that shows she is prepared to lie to get her way.

I believe that you may have to go to court and have her evicted if she has lived there for a set amount of time, that time varies from place to place.

I personally would not say another word to her, I would start the eviction process and if she becomes violent or threatening, I would call the police and tell them that she is loosing her mind and you are scared she will hurt you, which she has threatened you, and get her admitted to a psychiatric hospital and tell everyone, police, hospital, social worker that she can not come back, get your locks changed and install exterior cameras and alarm if possible.

She sounds like she is awful and I can't imagine having to have someone that has declared war against me living in my home.

I hope you can start the process soon and get her out. I would notify the courts that she has threatened you with false statements of elder abuse, maybe call the local police and get it on record that she is planning on doing this.

Hugs!
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abusedbymom Jun 2019
Thanks that is exactly what I will do. I just downloaded an app on my phone where I can record her. I think that is excellent idea especially if I can get a recording of the elder abuse threat against me and then her laughing afterwards. Thank you!
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She’s only 72, for Pete’s sake! Same as me! She’s an unwelcome house mate, not a poor sweet old lady who needs care. To get something in your favour to say to the critics, perhaps make an inquiry or two with Senior Living, AL or any other appropriate level of care, and suggest them to her (and duck!). Print out the information to prove you’ve done it. Then no-one can accuse you of threatening to put her out on the street. At 72 she has many years of life left, and it is totally reasonable to ask her to find another place to spend them. Work out in advance how to change the locks quickly, or she’ll be back. Get the evidence from your doctor, your therapist, and on your phone video. Install a nanny cam that keeps the records of longer periods of time. Then stop being afraid of her. With the evidence, you are safe.
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This isn't a Southern thing; this is an abuse thing. I have lived in TN all my life and my family has been here or in neighboring mountains of NC or VA for nearly 300 years. I have lived the "momma and daddy" thing across two generations. The Bible does say "Honor your father and mother" but it also says "And, you fathers and mothers, provoke not your children to wrath" God does not want you to "honor" your abuser.

You have been so abused you think some of this excrement is normal or that you deserve it in some way. Your mother's mental illness came before she ever even conceived you. It's not your fault. The only fault you own any part of is letting her into your home in hopes things would be different and that somehow you would end up with the good mother you actually deserve. You are never going to get that from this woman. Get her out of your home and out of your life!

Although I would encourage you to seek the counsel of a family law attorney (since this conflict is with your mother this is considered a domestic dispute in TN) you do not need to wait on speaking with an attorney to get the ball rolling.

In TN you have the right to video all common/shared/public rooms in your home; do not record video in any bath or bedroom except your own. We are also a one party consent state so your can record your conversations without your mother's knowledge.

Use an app for your phone or a nanny cam and get this woman on tape and/or video threatening you, then call the cops, play the recording, and tell them she's crazy and you want her out of your home. File for a no contact protection order ASAP, the next day at the very latest (fastest way to get her out and keep her out of your house). You can fill out the paperwork yourself, no lawyer needed to get the protection order. You will need to write a short (up to 1-2 pages) story/description of what she does and why you are afraid she will harm you. You can find the form here: https://www.tncourts.gov/programs/self-help-center/forms/order-protection-forms. The temporary order can be served immediately, particularly if your mother is in jail or on a hospital hold. If she shows up back at your house after the protection order is served, the cops will arrest her and take her away again. There will be a hearing where your mother will have a chance to defend herself before the protection order is "permanent" and goes into force for one year. It has to be renewed every year.

I just want to state again that your mother's mental illness is not your fault! I am so sorry that you never had a mother who loved, nurtured, and cared for you. You deserve a life of your own. Your mother has already taken too much of your life from you. Push her out of your life for that year of no contact (at least) and when you have recovered your balance, consider carefully whether you want her back in your life at all.
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Such a great answer. We haven’t heard from her in a while. I hope he fills us in soon. I am happy to get that little bit of biblical phrasing “mothers and fathers , do not provoke your children to wrath”. Never ever heard that mentioned. I feel a lot of angst and simmering guilt fly out the window as mine were not worth being honoured

as as a child I always wondered why there was nothing mentioned in sermons about the children. I am going to use this a lot with people I know.
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Go see an attorney and get the ball rolling. Perhaps find a small flat for her and pay the bond and one mths rent. Then move all her stuff into it and change the locks

stop paying her debts and expenses. Put an ad in paper saying you are no longer responsible for any debts she incurs

try and get a recording of what she is saying and perhaps video her. If she threatens you or even better hits you call cops
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The issue with that route is that you can not rent in another person's name, it would then fall on her because she would be the lease holder, not her monster.

You are almost forced to kick someone to the curb because of the rules that protect us all, also stop us from setting up a nightmare in their own place.

Other than that it is a good idea.
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What a nightmare. You've gotten some good advice so far and I hope you can follow it. Another thought - would you consider getting a restraining order against her if you do kick her out? Also, in addition to changing the locks, you might get a doorbell with a camera in it - another layer of protection if she comes back.

I understand wanting others to know that you aren't the abusive one - video/audio proof are golden.
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Abusedbymom, how are you doing?

Any progress getting monster removed?
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Im going to pray for ur dog
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