A husband (72) with Alzheimer's?

It sounds like your friend is still trying to get used to the fact that her husband has this horrible disease. I know you want to be a good friend to her and maybe in the future she will seek out your advice but for now just listen to her and go easy on the advice. And if she doesn't want to talk with other spouses in the same situation you can't make her. You may think that's what's best for her but she doesn't sound receptive to the idea just yet. Listen to her without comparing her husband to your mother. This is what she's going through right now. Let her go through it.

IT IS VERY DIFFERENT! When your spouse has AD you lose your support system. You lose your lover, your best friend, your rock. I have taken care of three elderly relatives with dementia but through all of them I had the love and support of my husband. Now he has it and who can I hug in the middle of the night and be reassured that this too shall pass. No longer do you have a sexual partner, only a man with a child's mind (not conducive to making love), who will advise me on the financial survival of us, who will tell me I am beautiful, strong and sexy. So many things are lost when your spouse has Alzheimer's. I guess if you have only a friendship relationship with your spouse, you would not be losing so much but when your lose your lover, your rock, your most intimate friend. It is far different when it is a spouse than any other person.

She has told you she doesn't need your advice, so stop trying to give it. All you can do is offer unconditional, loving support. And yes, she is correct. EACH person with dementia presents differently, so even though your mother had it, doesn't mean her husband has the same symptoms. Listen to her...

I think maybe you should offer your friend an apology in that you don't understand what she is going thru with her hubby.....then just let her know that whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen/vent, you will be there. (and then let it go). she will eventually come to you for listening/venting or maybe even a "little" advise or suggestions. until then, just be there for her.

Dealing with hallucinations (for example) with a spouse is pretty much the same as dealing with hallucinations with a parent. Many things we face are the same no matter who we are dealing with them with.

For me personally, dealing with my husband's dementia was extremely different emotionally and psychologically than dealing with my mother's. Both are hard. Both are sad. But if the marriage is of the "two shall become one" variety then it is truly part of you that experiences the dementia. Maybe for some people the degree of devastation is exactly the same with a parent or a spouse. That is hard for me to imagine, though.

When the principles are valid the details fall into place. But, the same principles have different result with people in different stages of SD. We are in our 10th year of our struggle with AD. My older sister's husband had AD too. 14 months after his diagnosis,he went to live with his son (my sister's stepson) because of the changes in his personality and verbal abuse that seem to be escalating. My husband's nature and character have stayed kind and caring. My sister doesn't understand why I have kept him at home and devoted myself to his quality of life. I am sure there are times when my sister thinks, " If she would only......" Praying for all of us

Your friend is right, it is totally different when it is the love of your life and not a parent. Although the disease may be the same the emotions of the caregiver are not. Continue to be her best friend and listen, listen, and listen. Offer help and advise when she asks.Nudge her towards a support group for spouses, but don't try to advise too much. She may feel as if she is losing control over her life, in a way she is, and being advised may sound like being told what to do. She needs to feel in control of her life.

I can certainly understand your frustration in wanting to help your friend. That is also my nature, wanting to share the great information that I have about my husband's dementia progression. However, I have learned that we need to figure it out on our own time. As a caregiver, I appreciate everyone's concern, and hope they will be there in the future when it does become overwhelming! Stand by your friend, always be there to listen, and offer advice or information if she asks for it! It's hard for all of us!

There is an old book by Peter McWilliams. He was a poet popular in the 60's or 70's?? Anyway he had a little book called How to survive the loss of a love. This book is really good for almost any loss. It goes through the steps of loss you will recognize and has just a few words on each and a poem for each phase. You may have seen it. It's still in the book stores. Anyway I thought about that book as I read your post. It's light hearted in parts so I mean no disrespect but it's a touch stone of sorts to help you recognize where someone is in their grieving their loss. It occurred to me how we lose our husbands through death or divorce or separations due to life events and all of those are hard and while we live through and recover to varying degrees the slow, slow process of losing a love through a long illness is especially hard. So close and yet so far away. I have a friend who is losing her husband now to pancreatic cancer. He has no cognitive disability. It's so sad. Sometimes it seems it might be less painful ( I can't say easier) to not be aware. Admire her strength. She will find it. It's good to have a friend who is a steady sentry and is there when needed.

Sounds like she's in a place, where the only thing you can do for her is listen. That's tough for you, who wants and can help her. But apparently she isn't ready for your help. In time, that may change. But she needs to be first and reach out to you for that help.