Help for upcoming holiday season?

Please don't skip it.
Do what you can in your grief. But, spend time together with your mom. Create memories you will have of her.

I like the idea of honoring his memory. Very sweet.

People do live in our hearts forever.

Honor his memory by setting a place for him, put his picture on his plate. Embrace his love in your grace prayer before dinner. Acknowledge that he will always be there with you.

Acknowledge the loss, grieve as you must, but remember, your mother needs you too. She will be grateful that you're acknowledging your grief, but celebrate the good times too. You didn't have one parent, you have two, and the remaining one needs you.

its not trival....my father also just passed in May at 97, my mom is 94.  Of course my father had been in NH for almost 6 years so he hasn't been at the table for that amount of time.  And it is still hard and I get teary eyed.  Just say prayers thanking for those who are still with you and prayers for those that have recently passed and that they are missed.  you don't need to dwell on it, but maybe as the day progresses you can talk about things (traditions) that used to be in your parents time, etc.  I don't think I have fully grieved for my father cause I am always concerned on how my mother had been feeling, etc.  And it seems that people always ask how the spouse is doing but never the children (in my case, I don't remember anyone asking how I have been feeling, etc.) but that is my own thing I have to deal with.  Continue with the holiday meals, and praying that you can feel okay with how things go.  wishing you luck.

Starting a new tradition helps. No things will not be ecactly the same again. If you have polish or Irish or whatever in your ancestry you could google and do a new food or decoration. Make it your holiday. It doesnt have to be like someone else thinks. Just honor each person there. Everyone will feel warmth inside and it will be good.

No advice, just wanted to say it's not trivial, it's perfectly understandable.

Stay strong.

Do what you need to do for you right now. I forced myself to always please others and paid a price for it. Take a year off if you have to. As far as your dad goes, he loved you and would understand your feelings.

It’s important to realize our physical and emotional limitations.

Eat out for a change, if you like.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I just recently lost my husband of 52 years a few weeks ago, and have been dreading the thought of the upcoming holidays as well. For me I know it is going to be a sad time for the whole family as well.
However, I think it's very important not to try to stuff down the feelings of grief but to openly acknowledge them for what they are. Instead of focusing though on how much that person is missed, you can talk about the good times that you all shared together in the past. I'm considering doing something special with the family such as everyone writing a love note to our loved one, after dinner or before dinner, and tying them to a balloon and setting it free. And then saying a short prayer or expression of love. This provides some sort of comfort, as if the person is still with us somehow and we are acknowledging their importance to us. I think this physical gesture will make us feel less helpless about the situation, and help us focus on the positive instead of the negative . If we break down with emotion, that's normal and cathartic and it's actually to be expected. Still showing that love is what will help get us through it.
Of course everyone is different and has to do what's best for them. Sending love and positive vibes to you and your family.

Donkeygirl, I remember my first Christmas without mom. For me it wasn't any harder than my first day not visiting the nursing home like I normally would have or my first evening not phoning her like I would most evenings. Every moment of every day seemed to be a first without her so Christmas was just another day of missing her for me.

I would try to make it good for your mom. I'm sure it will be a hard day for her as well so maybe concentrate on that. Making it a great day for her. I felt my mom's presence that first Christmas after she passed. For me Christmas with my family has always been stressful so holding thoughts of her inside kind of held me together.

I'm so sorry for you loss. Perhaps you could make the gathering a little bigger by checking to see if there are any military people or college students nearby who won't be able to go home for the holiday. One year we added 2 college students from Great Britain to our group. It gave them a chance to learn more about American traditions, and it was fun to have them there.

Another option, if you just don't feel like doing all the work is to find out if any local restaurants are open for Thanksgiving. Until this dumb virus hit, we would take my elderly mother-in-law to a nice buffet. That way she didn't have to cook or travel. I'm not sure how we will handle it this year.

I pray that you find peace and strength during the holiday season. People sometimes forget that the holidays aren't always like what we see in TV ads or the movies. They can be stressful, lonely, and difficult.

Especially this first year after a death in the family, you need to do for holidays what you are comfortable with this year. Your mother even more importantly needs to do what is comfortable for her. She may want to sit this year out other than basic family contact, or she may want to celebrate the holidays "in his memory." It does not have to be the same celebration it has been in past years. When my father died, my mother was already deceased and it was my brother who could not deal with Christmas in the family home, so he started his own new tradition of brunch at his house.

My own husband died shortly before Thanksgiving, and I was the one who usually did all the cooking (small family--not overwhelming to prep for) and hosted Thanksgiving dinner. That first year I very much wanted to cook and get out the pretty dishes and make a big day of it. We all missed my husband but we shared stories and memories of him and "included him" in our Thanksgiving. Although I did not host anything for Christmas, I got very involved in decorating and in putting special ornaments that were meaningful to and of my husband on my small tree. I loved doing it even though it made me very sad and I sat there several evenings hanging ornaments and crying and remembering and then I enjoyed the colors and the lights through the holidays. At my brother's brunch as at any family gatherings, when my husband's name comes up, he is a comfortable part of the conversation..

The second year I felt like doing nothing for either holiday other than going to my bother's for brunch. I celebrate or decorate or not each year as the mood strikes me. My interest in celebrating the holiday seems to alternate from one year to the next. This year will probably not involve much getting together b/c of COVID.

Donkeygirl: You CAN do this. Towards the end of my mother's life, I had to leave my home, my state and my family and move in with her 7 states from my own. On Christmas day not only was my mother in the hospital (and I by her bedside), but my husband was in the hospital back at home. When my mother got released late on Christmas night, we had a simple meal of Stouffer's lasagna and bread. I had been living there for an extended period, Prayers sent.

Sorry Donkeygirl I do not have my own solution. The suggestions below are ALL wonderful. I cannot help it but I am crying too much to continue. Bless you all. I pray for joy for all of you.

When I lost my daughter, I too did not want to face the holidays, but she loved them. On Thanksgiving, I put her picture where she would usually sit and we reminisced about how she always was the life of the party. While I miss my daughter, it really was easier to face the holidays because her picture was always there among the festivities. Hope this helps, but I know, only time helps.

So sorry for your loss. There are a lot of good answers here, but let me share with you what my boys and I did after my Dad passed away. We adopted some new traditions. We knew that we could not follow the old family traditions without the missing figure becoming the focus. We changed the menu to a new menu, we added a new tradition. We are not Catholic, but a friend invited us to a midnight mass. We accepted. It was light-hearted and joyous as well as religious. We enjoyed it very much and went home in a much brighter spirit. We also changed the timing of our main celebration. Coming from German heritage we had always had our main celebration on Christmas Eve. Given that we had agreed to attend mass on Christmas Eve, we made the Christmas Eve dinner a light snack and moved the main celebration to noon on Christmas Day. We still missed Dad, but all of the changes gave us more to enjoy than to mourn.

Through the years my sisters and I have continued to make changes as we have grown older and our families have grown larger. When my Mom, now 96 passes we will undoubtedly make more changes.

You many not be able to make the number of changes we did, but you can at least switch-up the menu in some important way (roast beef instead of turkey or a new first course), and maybe change the decor a bit so that more focus will go toward the new star on the tree or the new centerpiece. You can also play a cheery playlist on the stereo so the inevitable silences are not silent.

I am sorry for your loss. The Christmas after my dad died we took a trip. It was not a good thing. It just didn't feel right. In hindsight it would have been better just to be at home and have a nice dinner. For years I would be aware he was not at the table, but we would talk about the good memories we had of him and this felt right. From what you say, it sounds like your dad wouldn't want you to skip it all...just keep it light and easy.

I felt that way when my dad passed, but my mother made a comment to me that day I was feeling pretty sad. She said "you still have me". I am very traditional as well as most of the family members. The first year after my dad passed I made the traditional turkey dinner with all the trimmings. At the dinner table Christmas day we all sat down and said grace, we all included a special prayer, memory about my dear dad, it gave us comfort. We visited the cemetery where he was buried, lit a candle and sang a special song. This has become a tradition that I will always cherish. I did cut down some of the cooking and baking. Less pies to cook, prepped the night before, made it easier and less stressful for me. On my dads anniversary of his death I make a special dinner, place his photo on the table as the centerpiece. Looking at the empty seat is sad and no one will ever replace your dear father, but maybe have someone special sit in his seat might ease some of the pain. I moved the table around to a different location which helped somewhat and I now sit where my dad used to sit and have his meals. Family traditions are important to our family and I do special things to keep my fathers memory alive. Keep those dear memories of your dear father close to your heart.

It will be hard this Thanksgiving and Christmas for you and your mom but celebrate anyway. If you want to cry then cry. When my father-in-law died my little family (3 of us) grieved deeply, especially my child. So for Christmas Eve dinner I still set a plate for him and each us of said one fond remembrance. It helped my husband and son a lot and it lightened our hearts. ddnyc47 is right
celebrate safely in this pandemic. Don't forget your husbands elderly Aunt even if all you can do is leave a package at her door.

Changes like this are hard. Please consider joining a grief group like GriefShare. These groups consist of people who have recently lost loved ones and those who are farther along in dealing with their grief. These best advice comes from others who have already been on the journey you are starting.

I have no family and my husband died two days before Thanksgiving. Have your holiday time and if you lose it, so what? You are human and it shows you loved and miss him. Share that grief. Time heals a lot.

My dad died the day before Thanksgiving two years ago. His birthday was December 20. The holidays of 2018 were awful, no question.

However, we did have Thanksgiving dinner -- sort of -- and my son's girlfriend's mother hosted Xmas just to take the load off me. No, they weren't happy holidays, but we didn't not talk about Dad. We made sure he was in our hearts if not with us in person, and he always will be.

You'll get through them it, but don't just ignore them. These milestone events -- first Christmas without him, first birthday without him, etc. -- are part of the grieving process. We did them all in the first month after Dad died, but it is what it is and we survived.

I say...what's so awful about "losing it"? I lost it several times at family get-togethers for a year after my soul mate of 60 years died. It's part of the grieving process and, if you're ever going to get back a sense of normalcy during family gatherings, you need to let yourself grieve...whether alone or among loved ones. If they don't understand that, too bad.

Why not go to the holiday dinner, but celebrate Dad too. You and Mom could have an empty chair at the table and reminisce about old times. Have some photographs there too. Just pretend that Dad is still there enjoying both of you.

I find it interesting how some families for decades stick to the same traditions and others regularly change things up when it comes to the holiday season.

Those who stick with tradition may serve the same meal at the same table with the same people, the home is decorated the same way. I think for these families it is that much harder when death, marriage, divorce, or illness forces a change. I am not saying sticking to a tradition is wrong, but it can make a change much harder.

Families who switch up the holidays each year, different food, different locations, different people etc, will still feel the loss, but the empty chair where Dad sat, or Mum's yams will not be as obvious in its absence.

So what do you do? It is far more challenging during Covid. Years ago during a time of financial hardship, I sat my two young teens down and made a list of all our traditional Christmas activities and meals. I told them they had to agree on one meal of the three special ones we usually had over the season and one activity. I also told them my strict budget for their gifts. I was amazed how quickly they made their choices.

Perhaps you can look at all the meals, and activities you traditionally have done and give some thought to the ones that are the most meaningful to you. Keep those ones and let the rest go this year.

Oh and my kids? The meal they chose was Christmas Brunch, not Christmas dinner. Wow did that make life easier. Much of the brunch I made can be made ahead. We had heated up frozen appies later in the day. And the one activity was not the trip to see Butchart Gardens beautifully decorated for Christmas, but The Annual Christmas Tree Hunt. We have gone to the same tree farm for decades and that afternoon held more meaning for the kids.

Now 10 years later we have reinstated the Christmas Eve Fondue Party. It is for friends and is not a formal event. People come and go. I am not sure how I will manage it this year during Covid, but we will see.

Our family started doing just a get together with family and everyone brought their favorite appetizer. So much more fun and less work than a big meal. Since your family is small invite some neighbors or friends you are close to.

Break tradition. Make it simple. Order dinner. Invite friends or family as necessary. Let it be a day of rest. No baking, arranged activities, etc. Last year my Mom declared it a holiday. We did nothing and it was the best Christmas ever. We had friends who thanked us for the quiet and not trying to stuff them full of sweets. May do it again this year.

Before my dad died, we always had big dinners with friends and family on the holidays. Our hospice suggested we change our traditions to new ones, so we started going to Mimi's Cafe (Mom's favorite) at Thanksgiving and having Mom come to our house for Christmas. Once Mom's dementia got to the point where she didn't want to go out for meals, we picked up Boston Market on Thanksgiving. We focused on our current blessings and it helped ease some of the pain of not having Dad with us. After a couple of years, it became easy to share stories of Dad at the holidays and appreciate the years we had with him. My heart is with you as you grieve, and I hope the memories of those happier celebrations will comfort you.

I think dining out for the holidays might be a pleasant change and perhaps a new tradition. Since most of our family moved away, I have stopped the big Thanksgiving meal -- couldn't bear the empty table. We started spending Thanksgiving with my parents five hours away and eating in a restaurant. Now that mom is gone, I am sure we will still spend Thanksgiving with dad.

At this point I need to figure out Christmas. I don't want dad to be alone, bringing him to our house isn't an option nor would I want to park him in a hotel room alone, and those kids that moved away with their families may come here (stay in a hotel, not "here here") as they have for the last six years.

Life changes always make the traditions look different and can lead to new traditions. It is bittersweet.

It's not only a very hard time, fresh wound...it's COVID impacted as well. So the usual advice has to be considered with caution, as in doing something different, getting away...for me, when I have been grieving I found I was unsettled and unhappy no matter where I was...if I was home, it felt empty and I wanted to get away if I wasn't sleeping out of exhaustion from the grieving...and when away...even shopping, in a bookstore etc, I wanted to get out, leave and be home. We are a very small family as well, similar, and it continues to amaze me that I can't think of a time my folks alone, or with me, have been invited to join others...but they may think we don't have interest. Frankly, I don't. And now that they are older and one is deaf and one has dementia, it is understandable. In fact, they have outlived their friends so it would be a neighbor...and who wants others in, in the time of COVID. And of course the dining out option is filled with fear right now. And if you have the money to go somewhere...there are those risks. There may be no way around it...just through it. Or...you could say you're just not up to it this year, don't want to take the risk? I'd do something different that helps...donate instead of gifts (so no shopping); get a restaurant meal brought in (no cooking)...I hope others have better ideas and I hope as a local author says often "that the day lands gently."