Hello. Normally I wouldn't be asking such a personal question, but I have no idea where to go with this. So..here it is. My mother hasn't had a job in over 24+ years (since I was born or even before then). She's almost 60 years old. She has no income, health insurance, or a place to live as her own. She's always had a man to take care of her and all her needs. The last one took off and moved to another state with another woman. So now she's been staying with me and I've been paying the bills (rent, food, anything else for her she needs). My problem I face is that I want HER to get her life together and become independent because I can't keep supporting her for the rest of my life. I'm engaged and want to get married and start a family together with my future husband, but it's difficult since she lives with us and I support her needs. She has no income, job, health care, doesn't drive (never did her whole life), she has back problems (compressed disks and a mild form of scoliosis I believe), a few mental health issues (ex. depression and anxiety). It's almost like she's 18. She needs to start her whole life over. I just don't know where to go or what to do. I want her to be independent and to take care of herself without relying on someone else to do it. Like she has so far for her whole life. I'd love some help as to where do I go for this situation and what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I'm in Pennsylvania, United States.
Janelle Evans mom, Barbara on Teen Mom works at one, and she is probably at or over 60
With that said, the first thing you should work at is changing her attitude about:
- Working. If she can find a job it could offer her an opportunity to establish a routine, meet new people, and (not least of all) make money.
- Driving. Although she hasn’t driven so far, that doesn’t mean she can’t start now. Learning can offer her freedom that she has never had before. Also, it is fun!
- Getting her own place. My 96 year old aunt lives in a small government-run apartment for independent seniors that is fabulous. They have wine parties, trips to movies and shopping as well as other facility-organized activities. She is free to come and go as she pleases. Couldn’t your mother enjoy something like this?
The second thing you should do is change your own attitude. Even if none of the things I’ve mentioned come to fruition for her, you MUST move on with your life. It will not help either of you if you give up your dreams for marriage, children, an education or career. If necessary, see a therapist, social worker or clergyman to help you navigate how to proceed, but don’t give up!
Look into dept. Of health and human services or socialservices for programs specific to women:free mammogram,scholarships or training,transportation subsidy,low income/age restricted housing.
In the mean time,she can look into online jobs or at least do some work around the house and Contribute!
She also could probably use help setting useful daily and longerterm goals. Maybe finish a g.e.d. Or learn some computer procedures or software,indoor garden,yoga???
Do not forget the churches and social agencies.
Have the chat with her that you just posted. She NEEDS some sort of income and even with back problems there is usually something you can do to make money. Get her to apply to a few places for even part time work just to start. Just let her know that since she no longer has someone to support her, she has to make an attempt herself. Some of the depression likely comes from where she is right now - nothing to do all day, no one to take care of her and her bills.
- On the other hand, someone had a sister in same situation. Family counselor asked them why they were paying all of the expenses for her. They said exactly what you said - guy ran off and no income and no one to support her. Counselor said people that are looking for someone else to provide all the support will quickly find another benefactor when the current one stops paying for things. Counselor was 100% on that.
Perhaps you could look for some type of senior living that had the same ‘group support’ going on, even if you had to subsidise it for 6 months. In the meantime, she looks around for paying jobs. Was the last man, the one who took off, your father? Could you see if he could help financially for a while? You've got lots of good advice here about benefits to look for immediately.
By the way, mild scoliosis is very common, and is not normally a problem at 60. Serious scoliosis deteriorates, and it’s a different ball game altogether (me). If she has never had Xrays that show her ‘Cobb angle’, it shouldn’t be serious enough to stop her working.
I say that because a huge change was made in the way that spouses could claim spousal SS if they had a birthday AFTER 1/1/1954. Folks BEFORE that date were/are allowed to claim one half of their spouses SS benefit and defer their own. The assumption appears to be that women born until 1953 did not grow up with the assumption that they would have to work.
This woman was born in like 1960 or 1961? She came of age in the 1980s! Enough with the "this poor woman" schtick. In my opinion, this situation calls for a direct approach with plenty of tough love from a woman her own age who she can't manipulate. Or, she can crawl back to one of her ex-gentlemen folk and ask him to support her.
The pandemic has made it abundantly clear that money is drying up left and right. Millions of hardworking people are now living hand to mouth and at risk of losing their homes. I disagree completely with handing out precious resources like Section 8 to people like this woman when millions of unemployed and furloughed people need assistance. She made her choices decade after decade. The poverty this pandemic is causing millions of Americans was not their choice.
You can't fix your mother. She uses people. She used men and now she's using you. Sorry to be so blunt.
Also get to an outreach program that helps women. I help at a women's outreach through our church in Florida that helps many widows and women leaving abusive situations. The counsellors can help her fill out applications for federal, state and local aid as well as help her move into more independent life situation.
I am re-entering the work force after 20 years away. I am going to be 58 years old. So let her know that it is possible for a better "2nd Act" in her life.
Please be aware that your mom may become more dependent again as she ages. Strength, agility and health tend to decline as we all age, Talk with her about options and plan for this eventuality.
Why did your Mom stop working, perhaps not tried other jobs, then remain unemployed for 24 years? What work did she do back then? Can't she get Medicaid expansion in PA? Does not make sense. I know that SSDI rules are very tough. I tried unsuccessfully to obtain it for my mild ASD and learning disability condition in 2014 when my accounting work disappeared in 2012 during the Great Recession at age 56. You must be entirely unable to sit or stand for long periods in any job. Someone had told me he applied three times and got disability for his mild ASD. I used CA dept. of rehab and obtained counseling and a job coach for help. I never tried SSDI again but finally got started at SF Goodwill. What about a career rehab service for your mother's mental challenges?? I know COVID-19 complicates things but worth a try. Please apply tough love!♡
I know this is difficult.
Have you communicated your concerns to your mom? She may want to get out and on her own but possibly -- ?? -- is experiencing difficulty with where to start. It would be a big switcheroo for her to live alone, to be independent, to "start over," BUT I truly understand that she and you would benefit best from her gaining independence; living separately.
Poster(s) who remarked on setting a timeline -- I agree. It gets the ball rolling.
I live in PA, also, and have some experience with AAA (re: my senior mom, with link to that being https://www.aging.pa.gov/aging-services/Pages/default.aspx). Have your mom check it out. I do know that the Area Agency on Aging in PA was already mentioned in this thread, and I agree that it is a solid resource to seek out and explore.
Others mentioning that this will go on and on unless addressed...a little overwhelming but a realistic point.
I am also 60 years old and currently working on keeping my job (have had health problems), making plans for the future, and crossing fingers to remain independent as long as possible.
My heart goes out to your mom, you, and your fiancé. Wishing you best of luck.
https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/dependent-personality-disorder
I have no idea what she is or is not entitled to in terms of help from the taxpayers of Pennsylvania, but she must have skills that were once categorized as "homemaker" i.e. cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, etc. And if she doesn't even have those, she can go to community college and learn something - anything - that will afford her some dignity.
Volunteering also gives people both skills and a connection to something bigger than themselves.
Given the pandemic, it will be harder to get her out of your house and on her own but you must start now knowing that the pandemic is going to make it all the more challenging. Grocery stores are essential and she can get a job.
How is she going to get to any job? Is public transportation an option in your area? If not, car rides are less expensive in the short term and she can save for a clunker of her own while learning to drive.
She is not even 60 years old! She needs to be around women her own age. There are many old people with huge homes and empty nests who are renting out rooms. It's like a real life Golden Girls.
No job. Never worked enough to get ssi. This is almost me!
But 1 thing.
I know better.
I have anxiety & depression.
I do odd jobs, delivery, caregiving, & I do recv medicaid/snap.
My ex is hiding from me. Alimony is past due!
I have no girls. Just 2 men/sons.
I just recvd inheritance by the grace of God.
I'm on my feet.
My biggest fear is my family putting me in assisted living.
Atleast I know better than to sponge off my boys.. heck I lived with a gf ...2yrs as I was homeless.
I just don't understand her logic.
Have you gone to Social Security to see if you can get part of your ex-husband's Social Security? or if he pays into a State run retirement like CalPers you might be eligible.
I’m sorry this is so crude but again, how very unfair! She’s still young.
Government assistance is out there, you figure if Illegal Immigrants can get it, so can she. Government may even require your Mom to WORK! Gasp😦!