How to help defiant parents who need help or extra care?

All good advice, above. AND... Sometimes we can't change them. As much for you as for others reading this, I want to say that sometimes people resist reality so hard and long you cannot get in there to change a thing. That doesn't even make anyone wrong: they fight to maintain a sense of themselves in the world because that sense matters more than the truth.

Kule, My guess is, that your dad has always been hard headed and stubborn, and your mom has always eaten fatty foods etc. So as they age, why would they change? Habits stay with us all our lives I believe, and the older we get, the harder to change. Unless you have someone that your dad respects and will take the advice of to step in and talk to him, it's a lost cause. Don't ruin whatever relationship you'd like with your parents over this.

Your parents are in denial, fighting change and have this air of entitlement, which isn't unusual at their age or with their circumstances. I have experienced this with my parents. They shun information about their issues and shrug-off some professional advice, if it doesn't correspond or support what they want to do.

If you do nothing more or throw-in the towel at this point, you quite possibly will have doubts that will haunt you later. So, I would suggest that you attempt some or all of the things recommended above. Especially sherylwoneal provided good ideas. Even though these approaches may not bring positive results or results that you're hoping for, at least you'll know that you tried and can be content in the future knowing that you tried to help them.

I know it's tough. But, just remember, you can try to help them. However, there is not much you can do about them not accepting that help. Offer the help...provide the opinions or information. Leave it at that. Keep your spirits up and hang in there.

Another thing...considering you mother has dementia...the time may very well come where your father can not care for her anymore. He may then welcome (though reluctantly) the help that can be provided...whether it be in-home or in a facility. My experience has shown that, in general, men are more self-centered when it comes to providing care or help for others. Your mother will continue to decline. Which will mean he will have to do more. To help him...take some of the load off of his shoulders, you and your sister or another entity can come in and clean house, wash dishes, do the laundry (and keep an eye on them.). That will remove those chores from him and give him an opportunity to "get away". Approach it in a way that will help him do what he wants.

That is what my sister and I did before my mother, with dementia, was placed in a rehab center. While they fought it at first, I think my dad eventually got the hang of it and saw the benefits it provided to HIM. And, if anything, it will tell him that you haven't forgotten about him. Sometimes when one parent is sick and gets all the attention, I think the other can feel "left out". They then, can intentionally or unintentionally, "act up" to say...I'm here...I want your attention too. Your dad's grumpiness may be reduced when he gets some time off/away or sees how help can be a good thing, especially for him. Though he may never tell you...it's a good thing.

In general I think senior citizens at the point you speak of with your parents...want to live their lives their way...and be left alone to do it. Here is a thought that helped me when experiencing what you are...would you rather have them live a longer life miserable, or a shorter life, happy & content?

Peace to you and your family.

Helpmydad....get those car keys away from him and disable the car! He can kill himself drinking but you don't want him killing another family.

My Mother (88) does not believe in POA and made no plans for this time in her life (Dad died 25 yrs ago) because she knows she is going to live forever! Go figure. There is also no will. These are all such negative thoughts and Mother lives in la la land even though her mind is sharp as a tack.

Do I worry about it, sometimes; but I cannot do anything because my 2 siblings are in as much denial as Mother!

I feel for you kulei. I'm the ***** because I remind my grandmother of what she needs to do to keep herself well and safe from falls. I know what it's like for the elder to pit relatives against each other. Do you have a good relationship with your sister? Do they treat her similiarly? I guess I would ask, as everyone here does, is who has POA? This is all pretty new to me as well and having POA for someone with a spouse - how does that work? All I can do is give you a big hug and suggest you talk with your sister about how best to protect your mother.

My brother is m.y moms p.o.a and never checks on her.

Find a way to engage your mother's physician. Insist upon attending her appointments with her and advocate for her in front of her physician. The doctor can make pronouncements about diet and other lifestyle issues with authority and many older persons will listen to his/her logic for doing the right things at home.

Is there any chance that your father is actually trying to get your mother to have a complete heart failure--that is, is his feeding her the wrong foods "deliberate" as opposed to simply being poor judgment or resistance to accepting your advice?

I agree with those who have said that sometimes people are determined to do it their way. One way we can respect their choices is to see that we have not always made the best choices and they are also allowed to choose how they want to live--especially since they are both together. I often argued and hurt my relationship with my mother and aunt because I could see how they should live. But think of how we feel when people try to tell us how we should live. Sometimes the issues are not so clear as right and wrong--they are personal choices and nobody's business but their own. I think that maybe I thought that I could prolong the life of those I loved by bringing food etc--but those are just tokens and the quality of their lives might suffer if you injure their sense that they are still in charge of who and what they are